Getting freaky

I saw the following clip on CNN which completly freaked me out: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/07/31/moos.montauk.monster.cnn

I started thinking about other things that have freaked me out in my life. Here is a short list:

1. "Seven" the movie. I wish in every part of my being hat I had NEVER seen this movie. So disturbing. It is my fervent belief that it is these types of movies that give the mentally disturbed fuel for their dimented fantasies.

2. The Oujia board that my friend Katie and I messed around with in late high school. I know it wasn't mine, so was it yours, Katie? Wrong, wrong, wrong, I tell ya. Just opens the doors for evil. I truly didn't know better.

3. "The Day After Tomorrow" movie (once again). Some may laugh at this one, but seriously, I thought it was so realistic in terms of our environment. Maybe I had watched Al Gore's "Inconvenient Truth" previous to watchting "TDAT," thus heightening the nesting urge to stockpile bottled water and non-perishables.

4. A story told to me at a slumber party in 2nd or 3rd grade. It was a birthday party sleepover and the parents hired a professional story teller to come to entertain the mass of little girls. Not sure where the parental guidance was on this one, but she told the most frightening, horrific ghost story. Really, what were this girl's parents thinking?

5. Finally, the time that Ansley pretended to have gone psycho on me. Seriously, she faked this ridiculous mentally deranged look on her face and then got a kitchen knife (yes, a sharp one) and then proceeded to stalk me until I was cornered in the back of me parents' closet. No, my parents were not at home and yes, this is a true story. By the time is was all over, I was hysterically screaming and crying. Ansley felt a little bad, but through her apologies I could hear a little lilt to her voice indicating some giggling. It is a wonder I didn't grow up completely scarred. Despite this little event and several others I will not retell, I still consider her my best friend.

Question of the day: What things still freak you out?

The Love Club

There are dreams and ideas that my children have that are so sweet. I even entertain them for a while in my mind, even trying to figure out for to make them a reality. Today, Sadie went to see Kit Kitridge (I have no idea how to spell that), the American Girl movie. My mom took her and Gray. Ethan was invited to go as well, but upon hearing the words "American Girl" was immediately turned off. Come to find out, the movie was good for girls and boys and my mom was convinced Ethan would have thoroughly loved it, too. Sadie has not really stopped talking about the movie - even reenacting several scenes in WalMart tonight to the amusement of other customers. However, her biggest and most sincere idea is to start a club (must have been in the movie). She was so clear in her directives and details that I got out the camcorder and recorded her. Priceless. After I recorded this very serious dialogue and turned the camera off, and she asked me when I was going to put it on the internet. My response: "What????" Sadie: You know, so everyone will know and come! Sweet.

Here are the basic details of the club: The name is the Love Club. There will be an activity once a week, like going on a hike and girls can bring their bugs (interesting little detail here). People can bring a snack though sometimes she will have a snack. The club will learn about God and His creation and about loving others. There was something about some sort of promise and a bowl of water which wasn't too clear (possibly from the movie, too).

Basically, it sounded like Daisies which I am supposed to help co-lead this year. However, recent developments with Girl Scout national may put a damper on these plans. They have developed a new program for the Girl Scouts and aligned themselves with a major new age group that focuses on "breaking the roles that are traditionally given to girls by youth groups, religious organizations and parents." Say what? They are a branch of some Enlightened Messengers or something like that. I did read up on it, but I do not have direct quotes. Bascially, another attack on our beliefs. Our church is meeting this week to make a decision on what direction to take on this. So, pray, please for guidance.

If this does not go forward, does anyone know how I can make this work for my Sadie. She was so sincere, excited and interested!!! Am I crazy?!?

A short story or essay or something in progress

It was unclear how she got there. Standing in the middle of a dirt road, she soaked in her surroundings. The tattered road was littered with ruts and divots. Worn from the elements and those going before her, the road seemed to have no end. Straining to see what was ahead, she could only make out the outline of trees at the horizon. The summer haze gave them a fuzzy, gray-ish hue. Little dust clouds briefly surrounded her feet as she walked, slowly to the horizon. She was not clear where she was going. She was empty, isolated.

"Caw. Caw," a black crow cracked the silence. Landing in the wasteland which bordered each side of the road, the crow picked at a few kernels of corn left in the field. The stalks which once stood tall, bursting with ears of goodness now lay broken and crushed, rotting away in the summer heat. A sudden breeze brought her a second of relief, her long skirt billowing around her. She strained to hear a noise, anything familiar. Far away, the agonizing screeching of a dog in distress pierced her heart. She could feel the adrenaline coursing through her veins, her heart began to race. Her eyes darted left and right. She quickly turned around only to see nothing.

As her heart began to slow, her focus was once again on the crow. She watched him take quick little steps and tight, sharp jabs at the leftover corn. The few kernels her eyes discerned were shriveled and dry. It made her own mouth feel parched. She felt a unlikely connection with the crow. The size of the crow gave evidence to a life once full of sustenance. Her own life was once seemingly simple, her circumstances full of ease, steadiness and predictability.

The crow continued to peck and jab at the decaying fields. Her heavy heart sank as she recognized his desperation. Her own search for goodness, for nourishment for her aching soul had been unavailing. Tiny fragments of Him provided a temporary salve which was quickly washed away by her tears. She was awash in emotions that flowed freely and ruled her life. Her frenzied state left her unable to feel His goodness. It left her in barren lands. Yet, like the crow, she continued to peck in hopes of once again, having her soul filled.

Heavy, man, heavy

Disconnected. That is how I feel. Very detached from myself. My head has been spinning this week as I try to focus on Him and not on my circumstance. Multiple health issues (increased back pain, mammogram and MRI annual, and some irregular cycles) have been Satan's point of attack. All roads lead to cancer, right? Will that plague me the rest of my life like a pack of dogs nipping at my heels as I walk down my path? Stress from our business is heavy, leaving me with vice-gripping headaches and restless, fitful nights. I am not settled. I am not at peace.

Comments by Sadie

One of her self-created, oft used word choices: later ago

Example: Mommy, later ago I saw a cricket in the grass. No, Mom, you said later ago that you would get me some hot chocolate.

I have attempted to correct this phrasing to "a while ago," or just to eliminate it altogether. Not happening.

Conversation a couple of days ago:
Sadie: When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian, you know, because I like to take care of things. Oh, and I want to be a missionary.
Me: Ok.
Sadie: Mom, can you be both - a missionary and a veterinarian...you know, a missionarian?
Me: Sure. giggle.

After several years of basic cable, we have reupped to extended cable. And, although Jay built a homemade HD television antenna out of closet racking, a broom stick and some other scraps from his workroom, Time Warner brings it in a little more consistently. Within all these channel choices lie the good, bad and the ugly - mostly the latter two. However, one Sadie has discovered is more on the good side: FitTV. After experiencing sheer delight when viewing the programming, she scavenged around in the hall closet to locate her nap mat from kindergarten. Buddy, she was in business. As I have noted in a previous entry, Sadie is not quite the dancer. She is extremely athletic, but a little awkward. So, as I peered into the living room to watch, there she was, copying the instructor who was performing lunges. Lily joined in for a little while, but soon puttered out. I heard the instructor say, "Are your muscles burning?" Sadie responded out loud, "OH YEAH, I can feel it!" Just cracked me up! She "worked out" a little while longer and then proceeded to show me how much her muscles had grown from that bit of exercise. Wonder Woman!

Conjunction, Conjunction, What's Your Function

Thought of many of you over the last few weeks. I bought the entire collection of School House Rock songs on a two disc collection at Circuit City for $14.00. I couldn't resist the impulse buy. I felt a little justified since I was dragged there to look at flat screens for Jay - subsequently bought online and not at a box store. No need to compare prices of the two items so I was relieved of my guilt.

It has been a blast reliving the songs with my children who can't believe I know most of the words to the songs on the disc. They don't remember how Saturday morning was the only time we had cartoons. Around noon, American Bandstand and ABC's Wide World of Sports came on, signaling that our time was over. We had to wait a week to see "our shows" again. No Nickelodeon, No Disney (except the occasional flick that came on Sunday nights), No Noggin or whatever else is on these days. School House Rock...well, it ROCKED, right?!?!?

My favorites were and still are Interjections and Planet Janet. LOVED THEM. I am also really digging Adjectives. Sadie loves Conjunction Function and Ethan loves Adjectives. It has a great function where you can listen by category or shuffle them all. For some reason we tend to stick with Grammar Rock. Need to broaden what categories we are choosing on the disc.

As I do occasionally, here is my question for the day: What School House Rock songs were your favorite? Or which ones do you remember the most?

Life, in general

Did I make a mistake last night? Should you ever withhold kisses from your children? I have been toying with guilt this morning. Ethan is entering what I can only surmise as the pre-teen years or the marketers neologism - a tween? Could that really be at age 8? There is this pervasive attitude of questioning me, rarely taking responsibility of his poor behavioral choices and steadfastness in justifying his actions. I am sad, because Ethan has always been a people pleaser, very tender-hearted and well, somewhat reliable. I know my limits as his mother. Now it is Jay's turn to help mold Ethan into a man.

Last night, he was making his own choices which were contrary to ones his dad would have him make. Ethan was sent to his room. I came upstairs a little while later to check on his school uniform stock for next year. His declaration that his dad was, "mean," and insistence that he had not done anything wrong was disheartening to hear. My response to him was not well received and when I went to tuck him for the night with a kiss, was told, "I don't want one." So, I said, ok and walked out his door. The howling, crying and begging that began at that point was pretty pitiful, but I felt that he needed to know that what he says matters. The impact of his choice needed to have consequences, so therefore, I never went back into his room. Actually, now that I type it out, I am good. No more guilt. I did the right thing.

Sadie is up to her usual frolics. Seriously, where does she come up with these things. A couple of days ago, we had a very strong downpour. No thunder or lightening, but just heavy, heavy rain and wind. It was around dinner time and we were at the table eating it and watching it come down in sheets. However, water was spilling over the gutters which didn't bode well. Jay ran upstairs with a pole to clear out whatever was clogging up the gutter. I walked up to see if I could lend a hand (really just being nosey). As I peered into the gutter which ran under Sadie's window, I see what was clogging the gutter - pencils. Yes, you can say it with me, "What?" Sadie had opened her window, thrown pencils out, and then closed and locked her window. Oh, and I also saw a night light light bulb floating down as well. Punishment was swift and painful - administered by Jay.

There comes a point when you just give up on trying to understand what goes on in a person's mind. While most of us live our lives thinking, "what if..." or "what would happen if...," she chooses to actually act it out to realize the outcome. Keep praying for us...

Lil' Bill (Lily) is working her independence. My attempts to draw out the sweetness I know is underneath that little 3, almost 4, year old demeanor has seen little success. But I persevere. At least she is obsessed with doing "summer work." This amounts to practicing her writing, school workbooks, etc. She loves it.

As for me, I am lonely these days. My schedule is super busy, but yet, I am alone. Laughter is sparse and I am a little perplexed and saddened. I am sure that the complexities of my life at the moment (intensity of the new business, recovery and soreness from surgery, challenges of motherhood and the tenuous balancing act of it all) are at the root of it. Nevertheless, I need my friends, I need a day or a night filled with ridiculous craziness. My great friend, Amy, made her first DVD of photos and music. She sent me (and I am sure several of you) a copy of it - entitled, "girlfriends." Knowing it was filled with pictures of past girls' nights out and scrapbook trips which included Ansley and Robin (now living in TN), I was sure I would spend much of my viewing time crying. Contrary to this, I spent most of the time smiling, giggling at times. I miss those times and wonder why they are not still happening. Where are you, my friends? Isn't it time to come together?

Long time, no see

No sooner than I wished for my life to get back to "normal," I find myself wishing for it to slow down. Never content, I am. What a frantic pace our lives have become in the last few weeks. Crazy! My body is not ready to keep up with the pace and I find my pain and exhaustion level quite high at the end of the day. PT is going well and I learn new tidbits about my body every time I go. My right leg is still experiencing weakness, my foot has dropped a little because of the nerve damage and I have weakness in my rotator muscles in my hip. I love getting the warm and even the icy cold compresses and the little bit of very light touch massage I got today. And, finally, I have terrible posture.

I am officially a "working girl." Not in the street sense, but with RaRa. Jay was out of the office on Monday and Tuesday traveling and I was left holding down the hatches. I was so completely out of my element. Seriously, where has my brain gone? I was nearly in tears when trying to get an international shipment out and I received some goods as a lot when they should have been serial numbered. Does that make any sense to anyone? It still doesn't to me. I was in serious pain after that long in a chair - despite trying to take breaks. Killed me. Thankfully, I still have some good meds and doped myself up pretty good. Woke up feeling much, much better on Wednesday.

In time, I am sure all this work business will come together, but I wonder how I did my pre-children jobs. I have lost some brain cells somewhere...anyone know where they could be?

I am still doing this strange thing where I am thinking one word and a completely different word comes out of my mouth. I remember Ansley talking about the same thing when she had whole brain radiation, but that doesn't apply here. However, it does make me think this is related to my surgery. It is past the funny stage and is becoming more annoying. Also, to anyone with surgery experience - Can it also cause monthly bills (you know, Aunt Flo) to come in strange patterns as well? I am too young for the big change, right?

Kids are slowly getting back in shape. It has been a couple of good days, with just a couple of exceptions. L is a piece of work when she is tired. Naps and normal bedtimes are essential for her. E and S have been at tennis camp in the mornings this week. Their instructor said that E is very consistent. S is very, very good - a natural athlete...when she is focused. They allow her to take more breaks than the other kids because she is a couple of years younger than the rest. On her self-imposed breaks, she hunts for spiders, climbs trees and collects tennis balls.

I have been out of the loop...Here is what I would like to know:
Robin - How was Guatemala?
Beth - How was Guatemala? (different trip, same purpose)
Amy - Can you come over Monday and help me with my project?
Trish - How was your surgery?
Angela - Any news on the editing job?
Jennifer - Do you feel some peace?
Nena - How is the nursery coming along?
Alisa - How are the scrapbook supplies I sent? How is Zeb?

If I have missed someone who might be lurking out there, can you give me a shout out?

Back to the Basics

I believe our house has been bestowed a new title, a new claim to fame in the last week: "Meltdown Capital of the World." Yes, life this week has been particularly...RIDICULOUS! What in the world has happened to my children? Of course, I would like to lay blame on my nearly complete absence for the past two months. The insertion of a wonderful, but somewhat spoiling grandmother is a little suspicious as well. I wouldn't expect Oma to be anything other than spoiling, but it has taken its toll. If I am not mistaken, the dependents lifted nary a finger in chores while she was here (maybe once or twice if that).

The result has been complete ear-shrieking whining and body collapsing by Lily:
Lily: Ahhhhhh - IIIIIII --noooooooottttt waaaaaaannnnnt thaaaaaatttt!
Me: What was that ridiculous noise?
My friend Margo: A very tired child.
Lily: It was ME! (At least she owns up to it!)
Additionally, Lily has begun wetting her pants again. Two days ago she sat on my bed and wet it, sat on Ethan's bed and wet it and then peed outside on the driveway. UGH!

The result has been a complete sassy, back-talkin' attitude by Sadie:
Me: Sadie, please go to the back yard and tell your friend that her mom is here to pick her up.
Sadie: I don't want to.
Me: It is not your choice and that is not the appropriate answer. Go tell your friend to come.
Sadie: Why don't you go do it? (I think I almost saw a head wag, but it is still a little debatable)
Me: (Inwardly fuming and doing every thing possible not to back slap her across her head). DO IT NOW and then go to your room. This little chat between the two of us continued in her room, but I won't post details.

The result has been isolation by Ethan:
Me: Ethan, time to go
Ethan: no response
Me: Ethan, c'mon, time to go
Ethan: no response
Me: ETHAN!?
Ethan: no response
Me: loudly, ok, at the top of my lungs screaming: Ethan Loek Van Dumoulin, get down her NOW!
Ethan: (opening door to his room) "what?"
I think I will have a PSP for sale very soon - it will go to the highest bidder, so start getting fund together.. It is white with some special edition Star Wars theme to it.

This was my first week back in the saddle. Oma went home Friday and Jay moved into RaRa Telecom World Headquarters on Monday. Keep in mind, I am still limited on the amount of driving, sitting, physical movement, etc. Nevertheless, I have been left in control (liberal application of that term). I haven't really been alone in nearly 8 months adding in Jay's sabatical.

Therefore, we are getting back to basics. We have a chart which gives a point every time I hear yes, ma'am or no ma'am upon asking any question or calling their name. We are starting a kindness chart for chalking up kind words, kind actions, sharing, etc. (thank you Margo for the idea) Every infraction is a point lost. Seriously, if they can get into the car, buckle themselves in without a single snippy remark, squeal or physically touching each other, they get a point. I am talking simple basics...again!

Alright, not every minute has been this discombobulating, as they don't all happen at the same time. However, they appear to be consecutive which does not give this mom a breather. I love being an active participant in their lives again, but whew, I have forgotten how much hard work it is! Looks like it is BOOT CAMP TIME!

Vote for your favorite

My long-time "friend" sent the following composite of my school pictures from 4th grade - 9th grade. Although I ponder why someone would keep these school photos for some 25 odd years, I am glad she did. We had some great laughs commenting about them. I thought I would share the hilarity and subsequent observations.



4th grade: Epitome of preppy period with Izod sweater and loafers. I was obsessed about having my hair pulled back very, very tight. Thus, I had these enormous white plastic clips on each side to hold it all back. In fact, everything had to be tight at that stage - tight belt, tight shoelaces, etc. Must have been a control issue. Not surprising.


5th grade: I look like Lily, I think. Wearing outfit and hair chosen by my mother - I was not thrilled. Did anyone ever think that it was really taken outdoors? What gives with bad photography back drops?


6th grade: What the...? is the only way I describe my choice here. Besides my head looking like it is sitting on a platter with no neck there is a very interesting jewelry choice. I am wearing a gold (use that term loosely) necklace that has a charm on it. The charm is an outline of a cowboy hat. Like I was into western stuff –and I don’t know if I wore it another time. Although maybe I spawned the beginning of that type of charm as being hip and it carried its way into Sex and the City…the "Carrie" necklace? For some reason, I just felt compelled to wear a fake gold cowboy necklace with a turtleneck (now that’s true western wear – in the hot-as hades western prairie sun, herding cattle). And, upon careful inspection, I remembered I am wearing a plaid, grossgrain ribbon tied into bow. Another non-western addition to the freaky adornment choice. Another friend thought it looked artsy - I think it is just bad.


7th grade: This is when I remember trying very hard to be hip and cool. I am wearing a brand-name shirt with Jordache jeans. I accessorized it with red hair bows, my newly pierced ears and a red belt - remember the ones with the changeable gold belt loops in different shapes. Mine were starfish - another out of nowhere choice. I had red espadrilles. This was also my first foray into bangs and experimenting with new hair styles. I was smokin'. Or, at least I really thought I was.


8th grade: Not sure what the deal was with the little white step stool (another gaffe by photographers) but I was beginning to grow out of the preppy era into the Esprit fetish. This photo was a mixture of these two styles and I am pretty sure I am wearing plastic shoes. Bangs are a little longer and I have an official Dutch boy haircut, which spawned one junior high nickname (Dutchy). The other was Spike (I kid you not). Long story. I had discovered a store at Westchester Mall called D. A. Kelly's which carried my beloved Esprit. My relationship with Esprit de Corp pinnacled with an assault to their only outlet (at the time) in San Francisco while on a family vacation. I completely over-dosed and like most over-dosed items in our lives wasn't able to wear much of it after 10th grade.


9th grade: Oh my! This is when Ansley convinced me to lighten my hair at the beach the summer prior to school starting. Does anyone remember Sun-In? Well, my hair actually turned more orange. Writer John Hughes' movies were all the rage (Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles) and I felt the call to combine Molly Ringwald's hair with Anthony Michael Halls'. Throw in a dash of large hoop earrings and matching heather gray skirt and it was close, but not quite. photo of example here

Actually, now that I look at it - that is my 10th grade picture. I had braces on in 9th grade and that pictures is worth saving for the archives. Thanks, friend, for keeping that in the vault. And, hmmm, that photo I have labeled as 5th...maybe 3rd? Hey friend...can you double check the dates and let me know?

Red Light Stop, Green Light Go

I received the 'GREEN LIGHT' from the doctor and physical therapist today. A big PTL going His way!!! I was also told I am doing great for this point in time. I still have some restrictions and multiple therapy sessions to go, but the end is near!

A friend just asked me where I was so desperate to drive. Interesting question and well, it caused me to ponder for a moment. In my pre-ruptured disc life, getting in the car to drive was pure drudgery. It was late in the school year and the sometimes thrice daily trips to the school, errands, etc., had taken its toll. I was enjoying my time at home with Jay. The back and forth, and back and forth - I was just over it.

However, after two months of only two self-driven segments, I can say that not having that privilege at all will drive you BATTY! I could never be alone. I think that was the most taxing on me. There was always someone at my house and always someone in the car with me. Except for the walk to the doctor's office after my surgery, I can't remember a time of solitude during this ordeal. Well, maybe a couple of drug-like coma hours in the hospital, but that doesn't count.

Getting the green light to drive was, to me, indicative of my progress. It was another step closer to performing all of my responsibilities - ones I really enjoy and ones that I abhor. Either way, I want them back. Lounging in bed is fun...for a couple of days. Television, books, and of course, my computer get old. I am social creature and I have miss seeing my friends up close and personal. I have missed going to church (can't sit for that length of time, until now). Driving was just very symbolic to me because it was while engaging in this activity that I had the most intensive pre-surgery pain. Being able get behind the wheel today, pain-free, was just awesome.

What little pearls of wisdom have I gleaned over the past two months? Well, it is so incredibly cliche, but it is true. You can't appreciate what you have until it is gone. In this case I declare my praises to God for healing me, for giving me a car, for providing money for gas to put in it, and for the ability to be functional with my family. I don't forsee driving all around High Point just because I can. Nor do I have any place in particular, except for an oil change after dropping E and S off for basketball camp tomorrow. Oh, and maybe a car wash - my car is a filthy wreck!

We simplified our lives quite a bit during all this mess and I plan on keeping it that way. Of course, I write that knowing we plan on operating the business from the new warehouse on July 1st. I think Jay has sheltered me a bit from the insanity of owning your own business. Whatever, I say, oh, what a lovely, glorious, God-given road on which we are riding!

The list never ends...

A whirlwind of activity has descended upon our house over the past several days. My head is spinning in light of everything that is still ahead of us, too. We signed a lease on office/warehouse for the business. We are a little ahead of our time frame, but that is a good thing. To wrap your head around all the things you might need for a completely empty building is a little like trying to figure out who really won the 2004 presidential election.

We have two "employees" on the road this morning in a rental truck heading to pick up what we hope is some great de-installed equipment to sell. We ironed our logo onto several golf shirts so that everyone would look neat and tidy. I have to go today to set-up a business account for the utilities and get a business license from the city.

Alright. I started this entry this morning. It is now 9:20 PM. What a boring and dull post. This is what I have come to people. I am sure I am now the poster child for the "get a life or this could be you" cause. To be sure, I am beginning to fret about this metamorphosis. Most days I begin and end my day here. Sure, I pick up a devotional or two. I may even google (my new BFF) something I read in them, and then I am back at it. Someone who says she is my friend suggested that I try facebook to pass the time. I entered into that realm innocently enough and now I am a stalker...looking to see who I can badger from my past to "be my friend." And now this...writing about the mundane, basically nothing.

It all reminds me of my favorite Seinfeld episode where Kramer finds the set of the old Merv Griffin show in the dumpster and sets it up in his apartment. Neuman pretends to be his side kick and they pretend to have a talk show -complete with tape recorded applause. After a few tries, they realize that they have...nothing to talk about. So, they decide to spice things up a little with a more Jerry Springer sort of feel. You can read the details of the episode here .

I am not going to go Jerry on this blog, but maybe I need to reserve posting when God has made a profound statement in my life or in those around me. I am deliberating on the purpose and point of this blog. Why am I writing this and to whom? With that, I am taking a hiatus. I know myself, and more importantly, know that all of this rides on tomorrow, my first physical therapy appointment. If all goes well, I will receive the green light to drive again. There will be fewer entries and loud tire squeals out of the Millis Center. If I am still relegated to the house, be warned.

Dear Miss Three and a Half

Dear Miss Three and a Half,

This letter is to inform you that you have been put on probation effective immediately.

This probation is due to the following violations:

Hitting your fellow co-workers
Persistent attitude of superiority, i.e. thinking that you know it all
Not open to correction
Running away when called for
Anger mismanagement, i.e. spitting and throwing yourself down on the floor
Inappropriate reaction to negative criticism, i.e. whining and crying
Belief that television must be on in order to get work completed
Not listening to management
Hiding from management when in public places, particularly in stores with clothing racks
Occasionally showing up at the work place in inappropriate work attire, i.e. stripping of all clothing
Intermittent lack of personal grooming, i.e smell of urine because of waiting too long to go to the potty

After repeated warnings, consider this your final notice. The next violation will result in either 1. being sentenced to your cubicle until you turn four in August at which point the management feels you will change this behavior or 2. being shipped back with your Oma to the Netherlands.

Sincerely,
Mommy
President
Dumoulin household

Who's on First...

I had one of those conversations with Lily that just confusing and frustrating like trying origami. You start it, try going different directions and then you have no idea how to make it work...much like the comedy "Who's on first, What's on second, etc."

So, my mother-in-law took me on several errands today. One was to Wal-Mart where I ran into Amanda - yay! Haven't seen her in such a long time. We swapped surgery stories. Anywho...we pulled into the Hobby Lobby parking lot for another errand, parked in a space and unstrapped Lily from her car seat. And, here is where the conversation began.

Me: Come on, Lily, let's go.
Lily: I see a card.
she proceeds to walk to the third row seat of the car. On her way back there she "ducks" underneath the seat belt which was caught on the arm rest of one of the second row seats.
Me: Lily, come on, we don't need cards to go into Hobby Lobby.
Lily: I want to get a card on the floor.
And with that she kneels on the floor of the van where I can't see her. The cards she was referring to were the ridiculous animals cards they are giving out at Chik-fila that you must have superman vision to even read. It comes with a plastic holder that keeps breaking sending these cards all over the floor of the van. Should have thrown them in the trash before we left.
Me: Lily, just "duck" back under the seat belt and get out of the van.
Lily: Where is the "duck" card? I can't see it. She is still kneeling on the floor of the van between the
Me: Realizes she thinks when I said "duck" I meant there was a card with a duck on it. No, Lily, there isn't a duck card. Just duck, I mean, go under the seat belt.
Lily: No, Mommy, I want to find the duck card. I can't see it. I wike (like) the duck card.
Mommy: There is no duck card. Come under the seat belt and let's go.
Lily: Where is the duck card, Mommy?
Mommy: Lily, get out of the car now or I will have to take you to the bathroom for a visit with Mr. Do-Right.
Lily: Ok, Mommy, I find the duck card later.

A quick note on the sanitary conditions of our pool

Sadie just ran into my room and announced that there are frog eggs in the pool. How she knows this, I don't have a clue. I don't doubt her because she is actually pretty accurate when it comes to nature knowledge. Lily heard this and declared to me that she was going to teach the tadpoles how to swim. I told her they already know how to swim. She insisted that she would teach them. She then scampered off to get her bathing suit on. Anyone know if that is a bad sign concerning the cleanliness of our pool?

OK - Lily just ran back in here, completely naked with suit in hand and announced she would get the eggs out of the pool.

Summer Fun

Because we knew that I would not be very mobile this summer, trapping me home with three children, we decided to purchase one of those large inflatable pools that comes with a filter system and chlorine tabs. Yay for sanitation! We got a deal on it and it has been the best $70 we have ever spent. It is basically a large bag with an inflatable ring around the top. Every morning right after breakfast the kids race to get their bathing suits on and usually, I don't hear from them for at least an hour. The process repeats itself after lunch and then again after dinner. It has been a sanity saver for me.

They have come up with all sorts of games to play - with pool noodles, with the hose, with water balloons, even piggy backing each other. They take turns jumping off the step Jay created using hay bales. It is very cute to see Ethan and Sadie make these major jumps and then Lily comes with her little quiet step-down. Consequently, they are browning up, particularly Lily who takes after Ansley's olive complexion.

However, as predicted, after a couple of hours, when it is about time for them to come in, the bickering begins. Someone plays too rough, someone is hit in the eye with the hose, someone is kicked, someone won't stop pestering another one, or someone (guess who) pees on the driveway (at least she has the foresight to get OUT of the pool). There goes the calm and enjoyable couple of hours and out comes the referee/clean-up crew!

Lily loves getting on her bathing suit. After several weeks of training she can finally do it herself. I have never had to teach a child how to get dressed on his/her own. However, Lily seems to be a little challenged in the dexterity department. She has come up with her own vocabulary for a two piece bathing suit. One piece bathing suits are called bathing suits. But, two piece suits are water panties and water shirts! Makes sense to me.

Jay's Perspective

Jay entered our bedroom where I was (no surprise here) lounging on the bed. He had just returned from Wal-Mart where he picked up a prescription and a few other notables. He was really stoked because the pharmacy had accidentally filled his prescription twice. They let him purchase both at the same time (is that legal?), thus giving him 4 months at one time. After commenting about this victory, he had an "aha" moment. See, his prescription is somewhat of an amphetamine, helping him with weight control. I, on the other hand, still pop a muscle relaxer only at night when I am feeling the ouches. So, his "aha" mention was: Our medications are symbolic of our personalities. I am all hyped up while you are just sort of there." I laughed pretty hard and thought it was funny. But, now that I type it, I am thinking that wait a minute...

Facebook

Ok - After prompting from a friend, I have set up a Facebook page. It has been a complete time vortex for me, but hey - I am just lounging around anyway. Over did it at the wedding reception last night and have had some odd pain today. Bummer. Anyway, search for me. You never know who else you might see! They are easy and fun to set up. I hope to find more "friends" soon.

Boy drama - age 6

Last night we went to a wedding reception for Sadie's teacher. Because of my surgery and recovery, I was not given clearance to attend the wedding due to the lengthy amount of sitting that would be involved. However, we arranged for another family to take Sadie to the ceremony and we would meet up with them at the reception (which I was given the ok to attend).

Sadie had been looking forward to this wedding for quite a while. All week she would ask, "How many more days until Miss Adkins' wedding?" I knew she was building up a lot of excitement and anticipation which can only mean one diagnosis for Sadie: emotional overload resulting in meltdowns. I have experience with Sadie in this area, so I planned accordingly. I started getting her ready an hour before her pick-up time so that we could have at least one meltdown and still be ready on time. It is just her nature. I have found it is easier to let her just get it out at this age rather than try to stop it. At this juncture she just can't deal with the intensity and complexity of her emotions. They are few and far between and last only a few minutes. We are working on it and I see little improvements, but until it is resolved, I just plan ahead.

We hot rolled her hair and after several attempts to style it, one flailing upstairs to her room, we reached a compromise. She wore a very stylish dress that had a halter tie, sequins and even some tuile on the bottom, brown sandals (which I advised against), a pink pocketbook and lots and lots of light purple lip gloss, applied over and over again. Interesting several mothers mentioned to me that they almost didn't recognize her because her hair was so styled.

We received a call from Sadie as she was leaving the wedding with the other family. "Mommy, can you bring me some other shoes? These sandals hurt my feet." Ok. "Mommy, can you tell Ethan and Lily that I miss them?" Ok. See you in a little bit at the reception. I packed a small bag with two possible shoe choices, a pair of socks and several different hair bows/clips to cover my bases, thus avoiding any issues that might arise.

Being a teacher and obviously a lover of kids, Miss Adkins had a special room ready for kids attending the wedding (which there were many!). There were coloring books and crayons and a lady that was specifically in charge of the room. The kids also had their own, at their height, buffet line of chicken fingers, french fries and juice boxes. In addition to the Mario Brothers-themed wedding cake (I am NOT kidding - it was great), there was an ice cream bar with toppings. I thought this was the smartest idea I have EVER seen at a reception. How incredibly kind of her to put so much thought into making sure the kids had a great time as well!

Sadie had already decided what boy she was going to ask to dance with her, at least a month ahead of time. It was a boy she has been in school with since the early-2's class in preschool. Unfortunately, he is not into dancing. She was crushed, but not beaten. She moved onto to several other boys. One, thankfully, danced with her. It began as some jumping up in down and ended with swinging each other around. At that point in time, gone were the hot-rolled curls, the hairclips and in place my usual little sweaty, tomboy Sadie whose hair didn't even looked combed! She continued to ask other boys from her class to dance - each one turning her down. Now, she was quite down trodden. She came to our table, flopped down and cried. No one wanted to dance with her. I had to explain that boys, in general do not like to dance. They don't understand it and frankly, with rare exception, aren't very good at it. I also had her look on the dance floor and see how few boys were there. No little boys were there and only a handful of men. Case in point.

When we got ready to leave, Sadie was exhausted and spent. She couldn't contain her utter emotional waste as we said goodbye to the new Mr. and Mrs. Newell and broke down crying...again.

When she got into bed, I laid down with her. I wasn't sure I would be able to get up again, but could tell she wanted to discuss the evening. After mulling over the lack of dance desire of most boys, I offered up that she should put that down as a desirable quality for her husband. Of course, this should be after knowing he is a man of God. That way, she will always have a dance partner.

A trip to...

I am still recovering by our family trip this evening. Jay announced to me, in private, that he wanted to take the family out tonight. He told me where and in my desperation to get out of the house for the second time in over a week, I agreed. Under cloak of going to the grocery store, we managed to keep it a surprise from the kids until we pulled into the parking lot. It is on the top of the list for every person who has recently had back surgery. Gastronomical delights abound which can thoroughly satisfy person that hasn't eaten out in about 3 weeks, save a trip to chik-fila this week. The pinnacle of gourmet decadence and romantic ambiance...Can you guess???? Could it possibly be??? Wait, don't guess now...I'll give you another hint...my kids went bonkers in the car at the sight of it...I gave it away with that one, I am sure. Yes, you guessed it...CHUCK E. CHEESE!!!!!

Alright, I am being a little extreme - I did like getting out of this house, despite the noise, pizza and my slowly escalating pain. Seriously, though, the kids still love that place. Jay's purpose was to reward the kids for incredible report cards this school year. It is also a place unlike anything they have in the Netherlands and since Jay's mom is here, well, you just have to go. It ranks up there with Golden Corral in terms of unbelievable-ness to her.

I really should attach a picture of Lily taken at her 2nd birthday - also held at Mr. Cheese's house. The expression on her face is how I imagine my face when I see Jesus. Except, she is gazing, adoringly at the big mouse. It is pure adoration. It was really no different this time either. Chuck came out for someone's birthday party and she literally pushed through the crowd of kids whose parents had shelled out the bucks for his appearance and jumped into his arms. To say she is a big fan of the mouse is really an understatement.

Back to tonight...we took their report cards which gives them 15 extra tokens a piece and then brought in a discount coupon from the 'net. We sent the kids off into the wonderland with plastic cups and tokens in hand. Two hours later, three salads, one large pizza and several refills later, we were at the "trash trove," oops, I mean "treasure trove," to pick out our incredible prizes from the 75 or tickets we have earned. Seriously, who ever earns 3,000 tickets for an inflatable Chuck E. Cheese bouncy ball?

Actually, before we were finished with the games, Sadie came up to me thrust her prize pickins' in my hands and said, "I'm done, I am going to the playset." Huh? So, she did all her games, turned her tickets into the machines herself and got her prizes. O-K. She doesn't need me for that anymore. Ethan took for-ev-er to decide as he usually does. He always asks me if I think his choice is ok. Or, would I pick that if I were him. You know, the child that needs affirmation that he is doing the right thing. He accidently got shorted a measly 30 ticket item (the world to him) - a plastic scorpion ring. The boy was nearly in tears -at 8! The line was long, the prize redeemer had left his station leaving throngs of other kids waiting, Jay was impatient, I was in pain, Lily was itching to crack open her lollipops, so what was a mom to do? Yeah, you know it. I went around the line to the cashier and just said, we got short a scorpion deal - can we just get one? Supermom to the rescue, a boy's smile returned and we headed to the car.

Oh, this is an interesting tidbit...I was standing with Lily at the ticket redemption machine. We were there for a little while because Lily insisted on feeding them into the machine herself and really, it wasn't worth the battle. Another boy, age 7 maybe, was standing behind me, or rather kept slinking up beside me. He declared he was saving up for one of the larger prizes. Then he said, " I have to find Sadie." I said, really, I have a daughter Sadie. He said, "Yes, she is really nice, you know, as a friend. I have had fun playing with her." I had seen them playing together earlier in the germ generator, I mean playplace. I thought it was nice to hear. Upon recounting this story to Jay, Jay was aghast. He had seen them play together but saw it as a sign of the future. A future he is not quite ready for.

kid funnies

Conversation with Sadie, age 6, as she dried herself off from her bath
Sadie: I am growing arm hair (very matter of fact)
Me: What?
Sadie: I am growing arm hair
Me: Where?
Sadie: In my armpit, I have an arm hair
Me: (giggle) ok

Ethan wanted a buzz cut for the summer. As I started cutting his hair, he decided on a mohawk. I agreed he could have it for a few days and then we would buzz it off. I have never seen a child so into hair gel these days! Crazy about spiking that thing up and worried if anyone touches it or if his shirt messed it up when he changes clothes. We'll be buzzin' this weekend.

At dinner tonight:
Me: Lily, you need to eat over your plate
Lily: Mommy, you're a GEN - ius.
Me: What?
Lily: You're a genius!
Me: Ok!

Feast and Famine

I have a little book that my spiritual mentor gave me this past fall. It is called, "God is Enough" by Hannah Whitehall Smith. IMO, it ranks up there with "Streams in the Desert." Seriously. The entry for June 4th ridiculously sums me up. I am, once again begging forgiveness to our Almighty for the repetitious struggle I have. At least during my little trial over the past month I recognized where I was going - didn't prevent myself from going there, but at least recognized it. Oh, how I desire change! I am rejuvenated after reading this. Can you related?

Excerpt from June 4th

People who live in their emotions feel so at one with Christ that they look no farther than this feeling. They often delude themselves with thinking that they have come into the divine union, when all the while their nature and dispositions are still under the sway of self-love. (note by me: Ouch!)

We all know that our emotions are most untrustworthy and are largely the results of our physical condition or our natural temperaments. It is a fatal mistake, therefore, to make them the test of our oneness with Christ. This mistake works both ways. If I have very joyous emotions, I may be deluded into thinking I have entered the divine union when I have not. If I have no emotions, I may grieve over my failure to entire when I really have entered.

Character is the only real test. God is holy, and those who are one with Him will be holy also.

Back to my prattling again. After Ansley's death, I discovered that when I am in a funk or my circumstances have changes, I just sort of drift away. It is not that I doubt God or change my belief in Him. I just do not have Him a part of my day. Drift - that is the best word to describe it. It happens before I know it. This time, my back situation prevented me from going to church for 7 weeks+. I had little to no interaction with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Inside my house, the onslaught of new business responsibilities and the overwhelming load of tasks thrust upon Jay left no time for spiritual togetherness. The ridiculous hours I spent in my bed over the past month drove me to enough mindless tv to fill the rest of my life. By the way, the hours of 12noon - 3pm are torturous. I did not have any food coming in so I pitifully wasted away in this world. No one needs to tell me that I made the choice to drift. I know I did. The blame rests solely on me.

If stranded on a deserted island, how long would I remain in dialogue with God? I know He is always there. Why can't I be? I want to be.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I thought this was funny. Yesterday the girls were in the pool with Oma (Jay's mom - Dutch for grandmother). Lily announced that she was a white egg. (?) She had this very somber look on her face, eyes closed. She then asked Oma and Sadie to hold hands in a circle around her because they were the nest. Then she broke out in this very big smile and stated she had cracked! What interesting imagination - never heard of a child pretending to be an egg.

The last days of school was a bit of a blur with my medical issues, the arrival of Jay's mom, and my surgery. The kids' last day was the 29th. Awards night was on the 27th. At HPCA, every child gets an award. It may focus on academic achievement, but usually is more about their personality or character trait. Each grade level presents a song, poem or little skit about the school year and then they pass out the certificates as the awards are announced. It moves along pretty quickly. Sadie's class was the last kindergarten class to get their awards. I focused in on her face and as she was handed her certificate. I was poised to get the shot, Miss Adkins handed her the certificate and then Sadie held the certificate directly up in front of her face - preventing me from getting the picture. Pooh. Oh - she got the Leadership award for her class. No one I have told this to has been overly surprised by her award - she seems to be destined for something. The program ran long - until about 9 pm. Sadie was pretty wiped out and fell asleep in the pew before it was over. Thankfully, another mom captured it on her camera phone and emailed it to me.

Ethan was his usual cool self. He received the Humorous Personality and Superior Reading Award. I understand from his yearbook that he is quite the jokester. I don't see much of that at home so I find this compelling. He has come quite a distance this year in reading. He read the unabridged version of Tom Sawyer this year on his own. Considering where we were mid-way through first grade, I am very, very pleased. I am just thrilled that he appears to love reading - at least when it is something he is interested in. On to third grade!

Went to the doctor to get my staples out. This is the first time I have left the house since I came home from surgery A WEEK AGO! I am a little stir crazy, but I can't do much outside the house either. I am still very limited in what I can do - no driving, sitting - limited to 30 minutes at a time, walking/standing about 15 minutes at a time, no lifting, bending, twisting, no household duties, etc. I hope I will that I will get the green light on at least driving when I begin physical therapy sometime next week or the next. I am waiting for the office to call me with my appointment time.

One topic of discussion with my new BFF today was the fact that this surgery must bring about a permanent lifestyle change if I want to avoid this again. I will have to think twice before: picking up heavier objects (40 lbs.), ride in fast boats, water ski, ride roller coasters, run for distance, ride on a motorcycle, 4-wheel, etc. Basically, anything that jars my back will potentially cause a re injury. The only option if I blow out the 50% of disc that is left is for them to fuse the disc together. I am sure that is NOT delightful. Overall, that news was a bit of a bummer. Wonder what that will mean on a future trip to Disney?

God's sense of humor

About 6 weeks ago I asked my small group to pray for me and my attitude. Specifically, it was in regards to them. Over this year I had become increasingly irritated about the rush of cleaning my house for them every week. Because of my OCD-ness, I was always in a bad mood each Wednesday afternoon to the point that everyone felt it my family. I even started threatening to drop out of small group because of it. On one hand it was nice to have everything looking good, but it came at a very bad price. Knowing my sin, I confessed it to the group and asked for their prayers and forgiveness.

Ironically (if there is every any "irony" in God's world) the next week is when I started walking down this back pain path. Each week brought on more pain making it more and more difficult to get my house together. Finally, the no lifting, no bending at the waist, no twisting rule was established-try loading your dishwasher, vacuuming or laundry with those rules. So for 6 weeks I have let some things go. Since the surgery I have been completely incapacitated. I don't ever want to endure the pre or post surgery pain again so I am sticking to the rules like my life depends on it.

So, I happened to venture upstairs for the first time in nearly a week. Oh my. It wasn't horrible, but lots of little pieces of lego, fake teeth, clean and dirty clothes, coins to a Leap Frog game, piles of books everywhere, and then...I entered the bonus room. It looked like Sadie had pulled out every bit of craft do-dah we have - paints, kits, markers, scissors, little bits of papers, you name it. I was unglued. I lost it.

I have hit the wall, people, and I can't see the light. I know all of this is for my own good. God is really teaching me about the value of just being. But I am having a hard time accepting it. I can't enjoy it. It is such an uncomfortable place for me to be. I want to be back in control.

For those that think our house is falling apart, it isn't. We have flown Jay's mom in to help with the kids and basic household duties. Praise God for that woman. And we found our Hispanic cleaning marvel, Amilsa - another praise.

But when you see your youngest hitting your middle one. Or your youngest grab something she isn't supposed to and the runs away, it is completely aggravating, because I can't do anything discipline-wise at that moment. I just sorta sit there, or worse, start yelling. When you see your fun summer plans with your kids going down the drain, it is sad.

I am accepting of God's lesson. When I think about what He had to do to get my attention, I know it must be a serious sin. I just hope and pray I "get it" this time so that He doesn't have to do it again.

Home again, home again jiggity jig!

This will be brief. I am home! Surgery appears to be a success! It was one of the worst ruptured discs she had ever seen. It had dropped down and wrapped around the nerve. She said I was extremely lucky that it did not effect my bladder as it was right next to it. That is a real praise. I still have some leg pain which they said in my condition is not surprising. The nerve is normally the color of spaghetti, but mine was a bright red/purple from all the inflammation.

I am told that I will feel much, much better in about 2-3 days. I am in considerable pain - the muscles keep spasming so I am drugged up. Just took some more. Getting up and down, rolling on my side is excruciating- but I am hopeful that tomorrow and each day after will be better.

I am do to NOTHING - except some basic exercises and some walking over the next 2 weeks. Lifting nothing greater than milk, no laundry, dishes, no cooking...nothing.

I have to watch everything for the next 8 weeks. 90% will herniate again during this time period because they do something they shouldn't. Don't want to go through this again.

That's all. Just wanted to give a quick update. Email me - it is nice to hear from everyone. Just babble about your day if you don't have much to talk about. :) Or, better yet, answer my questions of the day on a previous entry. I forgot I am the reason Jennifer can't eat hot dogs anymore!!! Check out her comment.

Twas the Night before..

Heading for surgery tomorrow. I have to be there at 6 AM - yikes! Which means that I should be out of surgery around 9:30. Yeehaw! I am so excited - yes, excited - about getting pain relief! So - pray for me, the docs and all! I'll be at HP Regional and the sign that all went well is if I come home on Thursday.

I can't wait to blog about awards night at school tonight. Classic!

Catch you ladies soon!

The best part of waking up...

During my virus/stomach bug/g.i. funk a little over a week ago, I could not stomach my favorite beverage, coffee. It is amazing to me that in just a couple of days, I went from 3 cups, gladly, to not even being able to stomach the smell. There is no doubt I was a coffee addict. One day I accidentally made decaf and by lunchtime felt like my head was in a vice grip and was going to pop off my body at any moment. I am not really a coffee snob. I mean, I know my coffee, but can easily drink McDonald's along with Starbucks. Although, it doesn't get much better than the Pumpkin Spice Latte (just don't look at the color!). So, it was with mixed emotions that I poured my first cup of java this morning. Just a small, regular coffee mug. It doesn't even taste good and I won't drink even half of it. Bummer.

Speaking of changing taste buds, I am reminded of a summer at my grandmother's house. The garden was overflowing with summer tomatoes, which I absolutely went ga-ga over. Because there was no way to sell or eat them all, she canned them for future consumption. That fateful day, I eagerly sat in her kitchen while she stewed the tomatoes for the canning process. A bowl, salt shaker and fork in hand, I sat at their small wooden kitchen table eating deposited tomato after tomato. I ate so many that my favorite food soon became my most hated. For some 9 or 10 years I could not stomach tomatoes. I loathed them. However, sometime 15 years ago, I tried them again and magically, my love of tomatoes returned. How I love a sandwich with juicy, home-grown, summer tomatoes, mayonnaise and a dash of pepper! The only time this has not been the case was when I was pregnant with Ethan - I could not eat or smell anything with tomato sauce (no pasta, pizza, no sandwiches, etc). Interesting.

I have always hoped that this same taste bud change might happen with my dislike of anything originating from bodies of water - lakes, oceans, etc. I abhor seafood - fish, shrimp, mollusks, squid - I'll stop there before I sound like Bubba in Forest Gump. That fishy taste, the rubbery textures - yuck! It is so healthy for you that I feel that I am missing out on one of nature's superfoods. Every year I try something -a little bite here and there in hopes that my mouth has done an about face and aqua food is more palatable. That is one reason (like there aren't a million others) I could never be on Survivor - I would starve to death.

I am curious if others have such issues, leading me to the questions of the week:

1. Is there something that you used to love and now can't stomach?
or
2. Is there a food you hate which you wish you didn't?

The cost of relief

Prescriptions: $500.00+
MRI: $1700.00
Neurosurgeon: $3,000
Lumbar disketomy: $15,000+

Our insurance: LOUSY! Easily, I have made my $5,000 out of pocket for the year.

Relief from pain: Priceless

Thieves in the night

I was in bed (like I have been many other places lately) last Saturday night. It was around 11. Jay had just come to bed. We were watching a little tv -can't remember what was on. Bobo was on the back deck and started to bark. He is not a barker and it was a pretty focused barked. It also seemed rather loud and I got up (pain doesn't keep you from being paranoid). I walked to the deck door and realized it had not been shut all the way, so I took the opportunity to tell Bobo to hush. As I was shutting the door, I heard a voice (or so I thought).

I hurried back to bed and told Jay that I thought I heard a voice outside. This coupled with Bobo barking should warrant Jay getting out of the bed. Jay simply said he wasn't getting out of bed and that I didn't hear anything. About 15 minutes later, I got up to go to the bathroom. As I was walking across the bathroom, I turned to look out the large window above our garden tub. I saw headlight and taillights down near the sharp turn and nearly let out a squeal. JAY - SOMEONE IS IN OUR DRIVEWAY! I SEE HEADLIGHTS.!!! He sprang from the bed, grabbed shorts and a baseball hat and loudly announced he was going after them. The bathroom need was urgent so I did my business and headed into the living room. As I rounded the corner, I called out Jay's name. He was sitting in the dark in one of our brown leather chairs and said, "You have been forked." (that is not a typo) I turned and looked at the front door which stood wide open with the front porch light on. There, in my yard were a ton (a hundred, maybe more?) of plastic forks pushed individually in my yard, each with an index card stuck into the tines. I knew immediately what it was and who had done it! Yippee! Not only did we NOT get robbed :) but my great friends had taken the time to write encouraging words, bible verses, prayers funny memories, even some strange pick-up lines on all of these cards. It was to lift me up during this low time. HOW FUN!

The next morning, I let the girls pick all the forks out of the yard, as I obviously couldn't. They loved doing it. One by one, I read the cards - some brought smiles, some brought giggles and some inspiration. It was just want I needed. I had hit a real low with the pain, epidural failure and g.i. bug I battle for 6 days. My friends heard it in my voice and came running with love.

Now - the funniest part of this entire thing is that my great friends were thorough enough to send Jay an email to let him know of their intentions, only the day before. Jay received and read the email...and had FORGOTTEN all about it. Additionally, what in the world was Jay going to do by going after them in my minivan? Lastly, what was the need for the baseball cap - were the robbers going to be scared by his bed head? I got some laughs out of that. Another good result from the forking - Jay and I now have an emergency plan if that does happen for real.

Here is a BIG thank you to Amy (the mastermind), Beth, Lori, Angie, Rebecca and Stacy. You guys are the BEST!

Broken Back Mountain

As time has marched on since her passing, my conversations with my mother center less and less around Ansley. It is a normal progression, I suppose, and a healthy one at that. However, my bed/sofa ridden times as they have been over the past month, have surfaced memories that had been filed away. They are the ones of struggles and challenges and helplessness.

For 3 years she lived largely in the bed. I can see her -fogged out of her mind in attempts to cover her pain. Her mouth slightly parted and eyes a little droopy. She would smile a little half smile. She was very child-like.

Three years...and I have had only 4 weeks. In no way can I comprehend what her months and years felt like. Each day for me has seemed like a year. I won't venture to guess how they felt to her. I am not forced to contemplate the end of my life as she did each day. All of the variables we had with Ansley - the attempt to control pain, not be over medicated, the push to see doctors, the unknown diagnosis, the constant shuffling of schedules, kid pick-ups, household chores, and my own sense of guilt are so uncomfortably familiar...it just heaps on the emotional pain along with physical. It is a new level of understanding for me and it is very unsettling. This new place of understanding brings new compassion, compassion I wish I could have shown her. The fact that I am at a new level of empathy racks me with guilt - did I shower her with true sympathy and love while she was here?

This has also brought a particularly cruel sadness to my mother. She would never voice that, but I have seen it and felt it. After my failed epidural procedure last Wednesday, the nurse pushed me in a wheelchair to my waiting mother and her car. Wheeled up to the car door, I made the quick move to the front seat which was reclined all the way back. My mom helped get the door closed and then got into the driver's seat. As we pulled away, she said, "Seeing you wheeled out brought back a flood of memories of me picking up Ansley so many times." At that, she burst into tears and sobs. It hurt me.

My mom has picked up the ball with my kids and their activities. As school is winding down there are the usual parties, field trips, etc. Lily's last day was yesterday, Thursday. The parents were to come for the final party which was followed by a little performance of her music class. My pain level would not allow me to handle what would amount to 2.5 hours of sitting and standing, so my mom agreed to be my stand-in. After the event, mom brought Lily home. She sat down in the kitchen to tell me all about it. I could see the entire day had brought back memories of being in that same role for Graylyn. Once when Ansley was still living and then last year at Graylyn's graduation when Ansley was gone.

She is once again thrust into the role of caregiver, provider, limousine driver, launderer, dishwasher, errand runner, etc. I know in my heart that it is one she does willingly and happily, but I know where this has taken her and I am sad.

It's been a while, my friends

Most of you who frequent my blog received an email telling you about my scheduled surgery on Wednesday. As I wrote in the email, I believe I have been vindicated - there was a real reason for the torturous pain I have been in. Most people are very leery about back surgery, but they have made a lot of improvements. Relief is prayerfully close!!!

On a very, very bizarre note and what can only be described as a miracle - bizarre, but a miracle...the person who I really owe the biggest thanks to for getting me into Dr. Neave (top dog neurosurgeon in HP), the one who ended up going to bat for me, who came through on a promised phone call and had me in the NEXT day instead of June 18th...MY NEW BFF...

MR. BIG BRAINS!!! Yes, can you believe it? The PA who was such a jerk to me came through with compassion, care and yes, honesty! Do I feel guilty about what I wrote about him previously - no. It was a truthful depiction of my time with him. I do believe because I joked with him about that comment, showed honesty and a true desire to get well and work hard, we had a little conncetion. Who knows.

What did I learn from this encounter? We all have bad days. We all get frustrated and worn out. But the effect of how we chose to react can create a very inaccurate portrayal of who we really are. Clearly Mr. Big Brains in his core is not the person I encountered that first appointment. I wonder how many times I have allowed my irritation to be vomited on those around me, particularly strangers who for no fault of their own just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (or the "right" time in order to teach me a lesson). What an inaccurate portrayal of me they must have. It sorta hurts to think about it.

I actually wrote the above blog on Wednesday, but hadn't proofed it (I use that term loosely). I received the "Link" from church just now and Bill (the new-ish pastor) wrote my intentions above much more succinctly. Here it is:

Whatever this day - or any day, for that matter - brings you, God has designed that the unique set of circumstances that puts you either in a moment of exhilarating success, abysmal failure or somewhere in-between makes you a momentary "expert." Except for the reality that the Holy Spirit is with you, no one will have been exactly where you are in that experience. So, what will you do with the moment and its discoveries?

Prayers

I have a lot of thoughts about blog topics this week. Unfortunately, I can't get them down on the computer. I am on my knees (literally) typing this at my computer in the basement, thus limiting the amount of time I can type. So - I had the epidural on Wednesday. Most, most, most disappointingly, I have had no change in my pain level. If it is possible, I think the pain has actually gotten worse. That may be because I stopped taking pain meds for several reasons. One) I felt over medicated and 2) I had either a reaction to coming off Prednisone or caught some sort of virus that basically made me feel very hung-over for the past 5 days and 3) I wanted to see the true effects of the epidural. I was told that I could resume activities the NEXT day so I hoped off in the car on Friday to take the kids to school. I was smart enough to take Jay with me which was good because I wouldn't have made it home. It took at good 45 minutes upon returning home to get the pain under control. I will call the doc on Monday to see about getting another shot. As I think this is standard protocol, but am not sure. I cannot get into therapy until the 29th, but am going to call Monday to see if there isn't another location I can visit.

To add - I haven't been blogging because the laptop died - an abrupt and painful death. Jay thinks he will have it repaired on Wednesday - at least I will have contact with the outside world.

There is a small part of me that is very fearful that I will never get rid of this pain. It is the irrational side, I know, and lack of faith in God. Prayers would be greatly appreciated in this area as well as for Jay. He is hanging on by a thread. He is my hero.

Big brains

I got "worked" into the neurosurgeon's office today. For clarification, I saw one of the P.A.s. The following statements/questions made by the P.A. will probably give you an indication of my high opinion of him:

1. So, you are who had to be worked in between my two brain tumor cases?
2. Yeah, after I had my epideral injection, I passed my black belt test in karate later that day.
3. Epiduaral injections come in sets of three - count them - 1, 2, 3
4. Assuming you can maintain the weight you are currently as you get older...
5. How can you watch three kids while taking oxycodone?
6. Yeah, I have had husbands call me up and ask me if I can get their wives on something other than prednisone.

Looks like I am going to be forced to get the epidural injection which may or may not work - not work at all, work for 5 days or like for my illustrious P.A., work for a year. After which I may get another one (at some $1900 a pop with our fabu insurance) or then be required to have surgery. Is that clear for you? It wasn't for me.

I know, I have been quite the crab the past couple of weeks - my posts reflect it and that stinks. Pain, narcotics, steriods and stress will do that to you. My post have not been very fun to read and I am sorry. I need to get a clear head and get back on track - in the God zone.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Angela and Jennifer - you disappoint me. Second grade. Mrs. Sheffield's class. I actually saw her getting her mail the other day. She still lives on Chestnut - and she looked exactly the same. How can that be? I mean, it has been 30 years!

Popcorn
Pop, pop, popSays the popcorn in the pan.
Pop, pop, popYou may catch me if you can.
Pop, pop, popAs they scamper across the heat.
Pop, pop, popThey are very good to eat!
Pop, pop, popGoes the popcorn in the pan
Pop pop popTry to catch me if you can
Pop pop popGo my kernels bright and yellow
Pop pop popI'm a happy little fellow
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop

Pop, pop, pop goes the popcorn in the pan...

Anyone care to guess where that line comes from? I know only TWO readers of my blog who can probably name that line and when it was introduced to my brain. Will one of them dare come out of hiding and comment?


This afternoon, I came out of my bedroom to this jumbled up sound:
pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-POP combined with lots of giggles and laughter. I walked into the kitchen to see my three children jumping around on 2x4 sheets of bubble wrap - all courtesy of the shipping department (i.e. Jay in our garage) of RaRa Telecom Supply. How much fun they were having with something so simple. I couldn't resist either and I walked over and did a quick jump. I know, what was I thinking with my back. Oh well, it was fun while the one jump lasted!


Jay decided to load up the kids tonight for a quick trip to Family Video. The kids had already gone to car, Jay said goodbye to me (or rather goodnight because I had just taken my nighttime meds) and I settled in for some rarely heard in our house silence. Just a few seconds later, I heard the front door squeak open and crying quickly filled the house again. Jay came in with Lily and said, "Lily peed in her pants and lied about it to me. She told me it was water. She doesn't get to go with us." Boy, she was really upset. But, it was a just punishment. It wasn't a complete pee - just the, "I waited a little too long and dribbled before I got to the potty" pee. We all know what I am talking about. But the smell was unmistakable. I have to give her some props for coming up with such a creative and yet plausible lie - water. So, Jay helped me get her into a pull-up (she still wears them at night) and I sent her to her bed to "think about it." A multitude of sobs, many pitifully said sorry's and enough crocodile tears to last the rest of the month went by and I told her she could come downstairs, but had to bring a book with her. She walked into my room with the BIGGEST pouty bottom lip. I think I could have used it as my nightstand. Seriously, I had to turn away because I couldn't contain my smile or laughter. It was the most pitiful little pout and one that I recognized in a few of my 3-4 year-old pictures. I got my obligatory "I am sorry Mommy, I will tell the truth, I won't pee-pee in my pants" acknowledgement. She hoped into the bed and we read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom - her new favorite little story.

This brings me to another point. We have this great book called, "2oth Century Children's American Classics." Actually, I shouldn't put that into quotes as I am not sure that is the correct title. Ordered it from Amazon and it is a fantastic collection of all the greatest children's books. Even Ethan will still pull it from the shelf. It has Amelia Bedelia, Curious George, Madeline, some Golden Books, Francis, even Goodnight Moon - all the great books from our generation as well as new ones like Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. It is a great gift idea - although now that I think about it, I have never given it as a gift. Probably because I am usually don't plan far enough ahead to order it, or even more accurately leave my house early to run by Target (buying tissue and a bag too) to grab something quick or a gift card on the way to the party. Sound familiar? Even though no one took me up on my last attempt to get comments, I will offer this question - what have been your favorite books to read to your kids, what have been their favorites (read obsession), or what did you love as a child?

On the back front - get it - update on the back? Jay got on the horn yesterday and begged the Neurologist to see me. They worked me in that day - he could sell reading glasses to a blind man. This was an appointment originally scheduled for the 13th. The verdict is that I need to get into the neurosurgeon sooner than the 22nd. They also upped my pain meds - whoo hoo and added in a med for nerve pain. I have lost the reflex in the bottom of my right heel and won't get it back. It is not a big deal, according to this doc as I don't really need it anyway. O - kay. A little strange, but, ok. I saw the MRI - they said it was "acute", "that I really know how to do it right", "a pretty nasty situation." There is disc fragment pressing on the S1 root which will need to be removed.

They called this morning to tell me they were unsuccessful in getting me in the neurosurgeon's any sooner than the 22nd. HOWEVER, the nurse I saw called me a couple of hours later to tell me that a PA from the neurosurgeon's office happened to come by and the doc presented my case. I was told that he also felt that I needed to be seen sooner and was going to try to get me in. I haven't heard anything yet, but hope to on Monday. All in all, I would say that the prayers are working. Thank you!

So, why am I not asleep after taking all my meds tonight? Because I am also taking Prednisone which counters all the sleepy side effects of oxycodone and jazzes me up like I am on crack. (like I know what it is like to be on crack) Basically, it just means I get to take one of my lower level oxycodones in just an hour. Thanks for reading my babble. Night y'all!

No whining - just an update

I promise that I will not let this blog become a spiraling ode to whining, complaining and self-pity. Especially after knowing what is happening in Myanmar (formerly Burma), what do I really have to say in comparison to that.

But, to be informative, that two friends who are physical therapists say that it is highly likely I will have back surgery. I have a large protruding disc fragment that is usually not healed by conservative measures and PT. Bummer. The good side is the surgery is relatively minor and some patients even feel relief in the recovery room. I think I have to lay low 6-8 weeks after.
The earliest appointment for the neurosurgeon is the 13th - and that is not the particular office or doc I wanted. I also have an appointment on the 22nd for the practice I wanted, 3oth to get my doc of choice. I was going to wait it out until the 30th (although I hadn't figured out how), but then was told that I could risk permanently damaging the root nerve if I wait too long.

My prayer requests:
1. Healing and relief from pain.
2. Doctor has a cancellation and I can slip in there sooner
3. Surgery, if needed, would happen before the end of May for two reasons
a. Kids are still in school
b. My mom leaves to visit little John and Alisa until the end of June
4. Jay - because the new company just started and he needs me. I am limited in what I can do.

I am to let pain be my guide - so basically no driving. No lifting, no bending at the waist - walking will be limited because pain increases the longer I stand - I can take about 10-15 minutes and then I have to lay down.

So - call me, come visit me, email me. Predictably, I will be at home.

Musings about Bobo

Some of you are familiar with our faithful companion, Bobo. He came to us through Animal Rescue because Jay thought our other dog, DINKY, needed a friend. Upon arrival at our house, Bobo was already a...how can I say this with love...a dog only his mother could love. Long skinny legs, large round body, short black hair, small head, large ears, purple spots on his tongue indicating some minute amount of chow in him - you know a complete mutt. He was extremely hyper, too. I would come out the garage door with one knee already poised to knock him down before he jumped on me with his dirty paws.


Over the years Bobo has endured multiple injuries, and yet, he continues to thrive. He has outlived two other dogs, two cats, 2 sets of love birds (4 in total), and two hermit crabs - a testimony to his ability to beat the odds. It has been a dismal pet history in our house (good for another post). He fought back heart worms, a car injury that reduced him to one eye and dermatitis which has left him practically bald on his back half.

The one eye is what seems to fascinate most people. We could have forked out $700 for a prosthetic eyeball, but decided that was a little ridiculous for a dog. So, they just sewed it up, leaving a sunken spot where the eye would have been. It only took a couple of days of running into things for him to compensate. And, it wasn't long before he took out a non-rabid raccoon in one swift pounce.

The kids like to announce to complete strangers, loudly, "We have a dog with one eye because my Daddy ran over him with the car." Not all entirely true. Jay was driving his car with a trailer attached and it seems that Bobo just got caught between the two. The eye came out and was just sort of dangling there. Quite sickening. That was 5 years ago.

So when it was "pet week" at school, Ethan a was a little apprehensive. I don't know if it were out of embarrassment of our slightly decrepit dog or what. I showed up with Bobo and he was instantly a hit with the boys. The girls pretty much said Ewwww and stood back. The boys all wanted to examine the eye socket and I had to prevent them from touching the area, intrigued as they were. Kind of put Bobo in a fresh perspective for Ethan.

This week, I heard Lily making up a song about Bobo. It was to the tune of "Pop Goes the Weasel." I thought it was pretty creative, yet also a little gross, when she sang, "Pop! goes the eyeball!"

Overall, Bobo has it made. He has the run of outside. He may venture over to our neighbor to mingle with his three dogs, but normally just hangs around here. He has a dog door to garage which rarely gets below 55 degrees. He has a continuous water and food bucket. Most people are surprised to see that he has learned to pace himself with his food and doesn't gorge himself to death. He doesn't know any tricks. He just runs away with any balls thrown in his direction. I would venture to say he is intelligent because if I linger too long in the garage or mention the word 'bath' he won't come near me.

Up until now, he has been about as low maintenance as a dog can be. However, that has changed a bit with the dermatitis, which has taken its toll. We have tried multiple remedies which have not worked. We have found that weekly baths and a topical spray provides some relief. But, ultimately, his physical appearance condition make him look horribly neglected and paints us as inhumane animal owners.

It is nice to see that his appearance doesn't change the kids' view of him. Sadie brought home a super sweet and rather large picture of Bobo that she had drawn. I noticed that she had drawn spots on him - which in real life he doesn't have. I asked and she replied - those are his bald spots! Oh. She wrote on the picture," I love Bobo. He dus not have a i." I love kindergarten spelling.

I don't think the kids will ever forget him. I know I won't.

So, to open some dialogue in my comments section, I ask the question: What was your most memorable pet and why?