Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tuesday, February 19, 2007 journal list

Things you love that I don’t:
Video Games
Beanie Weanies

A mess
Sleeping on top of covers
Hair that is styled all your own

Things that are uniquely you – that fascinate me:
Likes ears
Ability to remember from long ago
Dream up lego creatures
Deep thoughts about God
Wonderful singer
Space Cadet moments, totally in your own world

Sleeping on top of covers
Always sweating when sleeping
Ability to cut perfectly even tiny details
Dancing like no one is watching in your own Elaine-esque way
Loving all of God’s creation, especially animals
Can paint your toenails with precision at 6

Your little gallop-run
Your eyes that wander
Hair with beautiful natural high-lights
Ability to laugh at absolutely nothing- just random acts of giggle
Your increasing southern drawl
Playing with a group of little things - you will talk to them, let them interact and make up your own little story - all by yourself, regardless of who is around.

Things that trouble me:
Ability to let others take the punishment for you
Concern about how others see you
Believing you know better than I do



Things we are working on:
Self-worth in God



Tuesday, February 19, 2007

So, there was no decided fate (see yesterday's part 2 blog). Instead, I got the - you need to change, stop yelling, end of story. No helpful hints, no teamwork, no encouragement, no prayers...NOTH - ING. Very frustrating. SO that furstration built over night, unbeknownst to me and grew into a yuck ball of "I hate everything, but mostly you, J." Great. Lost it again on my way out the door to pick up Lily. Emotions so out of control - anger so deep that I nearly drove away, never to come back again. I am so tired of life out of my control. Such a deep seeded issue for me that I don't know if it will ever be in the light and completely over. I hate this cycle and spent the better part of the drive calculating my next move and wondering to God why this keeps happening. The best part of the day was that I was stuck at Wal-Mart for 2.5 hours. Why, might you ask, is this the best part? I was waiting for a prescription transfer which takes some time. This allowed me to shop at my LEISURE - because I couldn't go anywhere else. How nice to spend as much time as I wanted walking the aisle...AND THEN... I saw it. John Rosemond's latest book on Parenting. I simply read the best part right there in the book section while my frozen chicken breasts were slowly defrosting. I got some great tips on how to get them to do the simple things, the simple tasks like putting clothes in the hamper. So, I picked up the kids from school and away we went home with my new plan and ideas prepared. Did it work? YES - in that the were receptive and not at all rebellious or whiney with the punishment which was quite severe for the act. Did they come out of their rooms with a new attitude - YES! Will it last? I sure hope so!!!! I will stay diligent in this new offensive against whiny, bas attitudes and apathy!!! Oh, and it probably didn't hurt that I found a fabulous pair of cropped stylishly dark jean pants for only $5! Whoo-hoo!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Monday, February 18, 2008 part 2

To my wonderful, darling children,

I am sorry. I am sorry that I completely lost my temper this morning. I am sorry that I do not know how to teach you to listen to me, to obey me, to want to help me. Instead, I resort to yelling, loudly, to get your attention and to let you know just how fed up I am. Do I expect too much of you - to keep your rooms clean? Have I let the routine of having a clean room at night slip through our fingers? How do I get you to put your clothes in the hamper? How do I teach you to slow down durng your school work (life) so that all that studying isn't wasted over a loss of 5 points because you forgot to write your name on your paper (wasted on the unimportant)? Have I lost sight of the respect that I (God) should get from my children (me)? Do you trust me? Do you know why I am trying to teach you and train you? Do you understand my frustration over your selfishness, your inability to look past your own desires? Isn't this all for your benefit? Could this be a letter written from God to me? Hmmm...

I lost it this morning over the fact that both children had playdates coming and their rooms had clothing, toys, etc. all over them. Now, should it really matter? Well, yes, because they couldn't really play in their rooms with anything because of the mess. Not to mention that their dad was supposedly on top of them last night to get it down.

It is very obvious to me that we need some new ground rules for Ethan and his attitude when he is out of control and disrespectful. I think I will go grab Jay to have a meeting to decide his fate.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dear Sadie,
You took an unscheduled nap this afternoon. It is not part of your every day, but once in a while, I can tell you just need it. You were behaving fine, today, with your playmate Cecilia over, but I thought a little down time after she left would be good. I have come to understand that after a few hours of play with a friend, you need a little time to yourself. But, I have to watch out that you don't sleep too long or you will spook around in your room when it is time for bedtime. So, I went upstairs and there you were. So sweet - so calm - so beautiful. Your lips were a little more pink than usual becuase of some chapping, your hair was all over the place - even a little wet from sweat. You were on the floor in a sleeping bag and around you were all sorts of pillows and toys - mainly barbies - making quite a nice little fort - almost like a princess palate. I sat and stared at you for a just a moment as I heard the timer go off on the oven downstairs. A rare, beautiful moment. Then it got better. I called your name - Sadie, Sadie Loo, time to get up. You popped open your eyes, but I could tell by the glassy look you weren't really awake. You stretched, you yawned, then you said, Mommy, can I go with you somewhere? I said, what? You said, I want to go somewhere today, just the two of us. Prescious little one...I can't, not today. We don't have plans to go anywhere today, but I would love to. You rolled over and quickly fell back asleep. I told you it was time to start waking up for dinner and then left. I didn't even hear you when you finally came downstairs. Instead, I found you lying on the floor of the kitchen in a sleeping bag and large white pillow watching Meet the Robinsons. Content and waking up on your schedule. I love you my little lamb chop.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

February 10, 2008

Well, I have almost made it. Survival - and yet, even better. On top of the mountain, spiritually. Closing doors and feeling closure, a way to move on. Clarity from our God, from our Savior that has led me to a new depth in understanding. Life is smooth, peaceful...content.

Oh my goodness - how I just saw God's plan and timing for something. WOW. I was reading a past post about how sad I was about this school year without Ansley. This was a really low place for me. I was very lonely. I was thinking about all the plans Ansley and I had when the kids were going to be in school. Then she died...BUT GOD was faithful to meet me in my need. I never saw it in this light before...Jay quit his job in November. He has been there for me. Our marriage is restored, our lives are better, our family is whole and functioning on a level never before! It is awesome. HE IS AWESOME! His timing is perfect, his ways are made complete. Wow. Now, when Jay leaves for a business appointment, I am lonely for him - which is the way it is supposed to be!