So, I just went to pick the kids up. It was so painful I actually omitted some shrieks. I think I scared the kids and I hate that. I got home, hit the bed and grabbed the phone. I was getting an appointment with the doctor this afternoon and I wasn't leaving until I had an answer.
Well, I broke down on the phone with the nurse. She was kind. She said, well, we got the results from your MRI - has no one called you? No - they haven't. Well, we are trying to get you an appointment as soon as possible with a neurosurgeon. You have a very large protruding disc. A nurse will call you as soon as we have the appointment set.
I think I started crying harder at that point - not because of the diagnosis, but because there was a diagnosis that didn't make me look like a complete hypochondriac. I still would like some more/stronger pain medication at this point.
I have no idea what this means, however. If someone does, will you please let me know?!?!?!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Give a girl a break
WARNING: Complete whining and complaining post ahead. Read with caution.
You know, I figure myself for a pretty easy patient. I don't ask for much. I may come down with some illness that requires one office visit a year. So, when I have something truly ailing me, I expect some service, with a smile, and above all else honesty. I have not received much of that over the past week and a half. I know there are worse things in the world, more time-deserving issues, life-threatening illness, but certainly during the course of 12 days some solution could be found.
Now to preface this blog before I go any further, I am a fairly new patient at HPFP. I had been relying on my OBGYN for most ailments until I couldn't justify it any longer. Jay had the ole snipper-roo done, so who am I kidding here. I threw myself at the mercy of an urgent care place for a few minor issues. I am sure I will step on toes when I suggest it is the work solution for sub-standard doctors who received their degrees from institutions I have never heard of. Not to mention the last doc I saw at this place "fixed" my bra strap for me as he checked my breathing - ewwww! Anyway, to start my relationship off correctly with HPFP I had a complete physical about a month ago. Everything came out perfect.
A few weeks later I began to experience shooting pain from my right rear cheek (the one located in the lower half of my body) down the back of my thigh that was seriously accentuated when sitting or driving. Naturally, I called my new doctor and was ushered in the next afternoon, not that day. I arrived at the practice and was greeted by a part-time doctor wearing flip flops and capri's (professional?). I was given a muscle relaxer and a pain killer of mild form and told to take it easy over the weekend. I was given a follow-up appointment in a week. Over the weekend things went down hill. More numbness, pain more consistently, so I called on Monday and was seen by my normal doctor. She giggled as she tried to code the office visit, because according to her, there was no code for "butt pain." I was not amused. I stated that I thought it might be consistent with sciatic nerve or related to disc issues. She seemed enlightened by this bit of self-diagnosis and coded it as such. She even knew about my previous bulging disc, commenting that I was too young to have had that. She scheduled a pelvic x-ray, gave me hydrocodone and I left. She also mentioned she totally didn't expect the x-ray to show anything. When it didn't show anything, she would schedule an MRI. The x-ray didn't show anything and I had to call them to ask about the MRI. That was on Tuesday. Above all else, there is absolutely no difference in my pain level when I am taking the medication prescribed and when I am not.
Throughout the week my abilities have been severely limited. I am in absolute agony driving after about 5 minutes, making my shuttling the kids a nightmare. I cannot stoop to pick anything up unless I kneel on my knees - no bending, no crouching, no stooping. My house is slowly decaying around me. I can not sit at my desk to help out Jay. Instead I lean back on the bed -a bout the only place to get comfortable. Even going to the bathroom is well, tender.
I have made multiple calls to the doctor's office since. I have gotten surly nurses who seemed totally put out that I am calling. I have gotten unanswered calls. No one has suggested that I come back in, or talk to a doctor. Noth-ing. I have explained that I am not a drug seeker (suggested to me by a friend who is a doctor). I want a solution, therapy, anything.
To be fair, I have been offered one other solution - prednisone (sp) which I told dr. #1 I couldn't take because it turned me into a caged wild cat (seriously) - can't sleep, highly agitated, shortness of breath, etc.
Now, I understand, my MRI was at 4:30 pm on a beautiful NC Friday afternoon - no one with any sense was working, let alone a doctor. However, the technician offered that I would hear something in 2-3 days. I asked for clarification - so probably Monday? She said, oh, no, sometimes they work Saturday and Sunday, so you might hear sooner. We will send these results right over. I am thinking - great - I clarified it, now I know. Saturday and Sunday came and went and no answers. I called this morning and no one has seen the results. In fact, the person who called me back said it might even be tomorrow. WHAT?!??!?!
I spent three years dealing with Ansley's cancer. Never, NEVER, did things take this long. The Imaging Center and my doctor are all part of the medical monopoly in High Point called Cornerstone. There should be some collaboration here, right?
Have I given my doctor's office the wrong impression? Why doesn't anyone in the medical community seem to care that I am disabled and cannot take care of my family? Do I just need to go in there and raise holy heck to get some help? Is the system that broken?
Suggestions welcome.
You know, I figure myself for a pretty easy patient. I don't ask for much. I may come down with some illness that requires one office visit a year. So, when I have something truly ailing me, I expect some service, with a smile, and above all else honesty. I have not received much of that over the past week and a half. I know there are worse things in the world, more time-deserving issues, life-threatening illness, but certainly during the course of 12 days some solution could be found.
Now to preface this blog before I go any further, I am a fairly new patient at HPFP. I had been relying on my OBGYN for most ailments until I couldn't justify it any longer. Jay had the ole snipper-roo done, so who am I kidding here. I threw myself at the mercy of an urgent care place for a few minor issues. I am sure I will step on toes when I suggest it is the work solution for sub-standard doctors who received their degrees from institutions I have never heard of. Not to mention the last doc I saw at this place "fixed" my bra strap for me as he checked my breathing - ewwww! Anyway, to start my relationship off correctly with HPFP I had a complete physical about a month ago. Everything came out perfect.
A few weeks later I began to experience shooting pain from my right rear cheek (the one located in the lower half of my body) down the back of my thigh that was seriously accentuated when sitting or driving. Naturally, I called my new doctor and was ushered in the next afternoon, not that day. I arrived at the practice and was greeted by a part-time doctor wearing flip flops and capri's (professional?). I was given a muscle relaxer and a pain killer of mild form and told to take it easy over the weekend. I was given a follow-up appointment in a week. Over the weekend things went down hill. More numbness, pain more consistently, so I called on Monday and was seen by my normal doctor. She giggled as she tried to code the office visit, because according to her, there was no code for "butt pain." I was not amused. I stated that I thought it might be consistent with sciatic nerve or related to disc issues. She seemed enlightened by this bit of self-diagnosis and coded it as such. She even knew about my previous bulging disc, commenting that I was too young to have had that. She scheduled a pelvic x-ray, gave me hydrocodone and I left. She also mentioned she totally didn't expect the x-ray to show anything. When it didn't show anything, she would schedule an MRI. The x-ray didn't show anything and I had to call them to ask about the MRI. That was on Tuesday. Above all else, there is absolutely no difference in my pain level when I am taking the medication prescribed and when I am not.
Throughout the week my abilities have been severely limited. I am in absolute agony driving after about 5 minutes, making my shuttling the kids a nightmare. I cannot stoop to pick anything up unless I kneel on my knees - no bending, no crouching, no stooping. My house is slowly decaying around me. I can not sit at my desk to help out Jay. Instead I lean back on the bed -a bout the only place to get comfortable. Even going to the bathroom is well, tender.
I have made multiple calls to the doctor's office since. I have gotten surly nurses who seemed totally put out that I am calling. I have gotten unanswered calls. No one has suggested that I come back in, or talk to a doctor. Noth-ing. I have explained that I am not a drug seeker (suggested to me by a friend who is a doctor). I want a solution, therapy, anything.
To be fair, I have been offered one other solution - prednisone (sp) which I told dr. #1 I couldn't take because it turned me into a caged wild cat (seriously) - can't sleep, highly agitated, shortness of breath, etc.
Now, I understand, my MRI was at 4:30 pm on a beautiful NC Friday afternoon - no one with any sense was working, let alone a doctor. However, the technician offered that I would hear something in 2-3 days. I asked for clarification - so probably Monday? She said, oh, no, sometimes they work Saturday and Sunday, so you might hear sooner. We will send these results right over. I am thinking - great - I clarified it, now I know. Saturday and Sunday came and went and no answers. I called this morning and no one has seen the results. In fact, the person who called me back said it might even be tomorrow. WHAT?!??!?!
I spent three years dealing with Ansley's cancer. Never, NEVER, did things take this long. The Imaging Center and my doctor are all part of the medical monopoly in High Point called Cornerstone. There should be some collaboration here, right?
Have I given my doctor's office the wrong impression? Why doesn't anyone in the medical community seem to care that I am disabled and cannot take care of my family? Do I just need to go in there and raise holy heck to get some help? Is the system that broken?
Suggestions welcome.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Tadpoles - the next generation
Growing up, Ansley and I spent a week or two every summer at my grandmother's house in the almost non-existent town of Coats, NC. This one-stop-light town in Eastern, NC epitomizes all that is good and bad of the rural south - safety, community, faith, farming, poverty and racism.
But for us, it was heaven for those two weeks. Mama Lib's house was full of love and healthy discipline. The weeks were a balance between work in their very large vegetable garden and fun days at the Moose Lodge pool, vacation bible school and drives to larger towns for their bowling alleys and water slides. I learned all about picking peas, shucking corn (and the little nasty worms that sometimes accompany it), shelling pecans, even digging up potatoes. We were allowed to pick whatever cereal we wanted from the grocery store for that week. What a treat this was as we were only non-sugar cereal like Cheerios in my house. I always went for Lucky Charms, while Ansley, the sugar addict that she was, went for Frankenberry or BooBerry with all of its food coloring and cups of sugar.
Our only cousin, Alan, lived with my grandmother for a few years and he is an integral part of my wonderfully fond memories there.
One summer, Mama Lib took us to a fish farm to hear about how they raised the fish. At the end, we were allowed to take a tadpole home with us. They lived in a bucket outside her carport and we named them. We watched in anticipation nearly hourly as they slowly grew legs, tails disappearing. One morning we checked on them and there were only two left. One had jumped the bucket, setting out for his new adult life. Later that day, the other two disappeared. We were sad as it had been a fun adventure and lesson in nature.
This all came to mind to me yesterday. Jay took the cub scouts on a hike around Pilot Mountain. Sadie tagged along as well. They came home happy, but worn out. Sadie found some friends to bring home, too. As you can probably predict, I now have a bucket on my back deck full of little tadpoles. Already this morning, they have been checked on by their Mother Sadie at least four times before leaving for church.
What a lesson for me now, as a mom. I watch my own children so closely with anticipation, love. They are growing faster than I would like, each day bringing new changes and challenges, laughter on new levels and conversations with more depth. Suddenly, I know, they will be adults, ready for the world. And, I am sure, I will be filled with much more sadness when the fun adventure of having them under my roof and under my watchful eyes is over.
But for us, it was heaven for those two weeks. Mama Lib's house was full of love and healthy discipline. The weeks were a balance between work in their very large vegetable garden and fun days at the Moose Lodge pool, vacation bible school and drives to larger towns for their bowling alleys and water slides. I learned all about picking peas, shucking corn (and the little nasty worms that sometimes accompany it), shelling pecans, even digging up potatoes. We were allowed to pick whatever cereal we wanted from the grocery store for that week. What a treat this was as we were only non-sugar cereal like Cheerios in my house. I always went for Lucky Charms, while Ansley, the sugar addict that she was, went for Frankenberry or BooBerry with all of its food coloring and cups of sugar.
Our only cousin, Alan, lived with my grandmother for a few years and he is an integral part of my wonderfully fond memories there.
One summer, Mama Lib took us to a fish farm to hear about how they raised the fish. At the end, we were allowed to take a tadpole home with us. They lived in a bucket outside her carport and we named them. We watched in anticipation nearly hourly as they slowly grew legs, tails disappearing. One morning we checked on them and there were only two left. One had jumped the bucket, setting out for his new adult life. Later that day, the other two disappeared. We were sad as it had been a fun adventure and lesson in nature.
This all came to mind to me yesterday. Jay took the cub scouts on a hike around Pilot Mountain. Sadie tagged along as well. They came home happy, but worn out. Sadie found some friends to bring home, too. As you can probably predict, I now have a bucket on my back deck full of little tadpoles. Already this morning, they have been checked on by their Mother Sadie at least four times before leaving for church.
What a lesson for me now, as a mom. I watch my own children so closely with anticipation, love. They are growing faster than I would like, each day bringing new changes and challenges, laughter on new levels and conversations with more depth. Suddenly, I know, they will be adults, ready for the world. And, I am sure, I will be filled with much more sadness when the fun adventure of having them under my roof and under my watchful eyes is over.
Working on the Change, Gang
I know, I know, I have butchered some lyrics in the title, but it aptly applies to my week. Tomorrow is a super big day in the Dumoulin household. It is the realization of a life-long dream of Jay's. It is opening day of our new business, RaRa Telecom Supply.
Jay has been at home as he has ethically waited out his 6-month non-compete agreement from his former employer. It has been 6 months of unexpected blessings. Jay has become a master baker - his authentic Dutch apple pies are to die for along with numerous variations of bread made daily. We haven't bought bread the entire time he has been home! At least I know that if the business fails, we can fall back on baking. Some lady hawks her apple pies on QVC for $35 and I KNOW they can't be as scrumptious!
Another blessing has been in the time he has spent with the children. They will never forget this time of Dad taking them to and from school, Dad taking them to the library, Dad being focused solely on them and not distracted by work. Upon returning home, I would often find Jay upstairs in Ethan's room, with all three kids, making and creating with legos - thousands of pieces scattered all over the floor. Priceless.
Jay is an incredible financial planner. This gift is especially important because I am not. It is only through his dedication that we were able to have 6 months without income and not incur any debt. God showered incredible blessings on us during this time and HE gets the glory for this. We were blessed by income tax returns, market rental money, money from a photo shoot at our house, and two unexpected inheritances. It has been an incredible ride.
Yes, it was a trying time at first. Jay was abruptly inserted into my daily schedule and my self-created world. He questioned processes I had created that worked for me. He checked the grocery bills, he challenged my time-management skills, he even asked about laundry. It was tough.
However, I found myself staying at home more, partially out of financial need and partially because it was fun to hang out together. One night in late November, I realized that we actually, *gasp*, chit-chatted. I reveled in it. Clearly, we had come to a point in our marriage where communication consisted only on doling out information and instruction. Now here we were, chatting like we did on our first date. Suddenly, I found my husband again - the man I married - not the man whose previous job had turned him into a volcano that erupted on a regular schedule. It was a clear revelation that this is where we needed to be - whether the new business succeeded or not.
Jay knows his direction - the compass is crystal clear. I am still a little hazy - my life consists of the usual stay at home duties. But now a new element - the business - has been thrown in. I have been thrust into an industry I know nothing about, working on government contracts - say what? My brain has not crunched numbers, worked a fax machine, maintained databases, worked in a business environment in over 7 years. I am a little shell-shocked. It also doesn't help that my pain issues prevent me from sitting for more than 10 minutes (more on that later). At some point a decision will have to be made. I will have to go forward with the business, giving up some of my household duties OR forgo the business and maintain my position. It is easy to give up cleaning the house, maintaining the yard and errands, BUT I can't give up time with my kids. I am already enrolling Lily in 5-day a week preschool next year, a step I did begrudgingly. They are quietly growing up on me and I am already trying to grasp at the stages they were at yesterday. Ethan will be 8 - yes, 8, at the end of this month. I don't want to miss anything, but yet, my husband needs me now, too. I pray to God for a clarity and balance - that the position I take is what God would want from me and that Jay senses it, too.
Jay has been at home as he has ethically waited out his 6-month non-compete agreement from his former employer. It has been 6 months of unexpected blessings. Jay has become a master baker - his authentic Dutch apple pies are to die for along with numerous variations of bread made daily. We haven't bought bread the entire time he has been home! At least I know that if the business fails, we can fall back on baking. Some lady hawks her apple pies on QVC for $35 and I KNOW they can't be as scrumptious!
Another blessing has been in the time he has spent with the children. They will never forget this time of Dad taking them to and from school, Dad taking them to the library, Dad being focused solely on them and not distracted by work. Upon returning home, I would often find Jay upstairs in Ethan's room, with all three kids, making and creating with legos - thousands of pieces scattered all over the floor. Priceless.
Jay is an incredible financial planner. This gift is especially important because I am not. It is only through his dedication that we were able to have 6 months without income and not incur any debt. God showered incredible blessings on us during this time and HE gets the glory for this. We were blessed by income tax returns, market rental money, money from a photo shoot at our house, and two unexpected inheritances. It has been an incredible ride.
Yes, it was a trying time at first. Jay was abruptly inserted into my daily schedule and my self-created world. He questioned processes I had created that worked for me. He checked the grocery bills, he challenged my time-management skills, he even asked about laundry. It was tough.
However, I found myself staying at home more, partially out of financial need and partially because it was fun to hang out together. One night in late November, I realized that we actually, *gasp*, chit-chatted. I reveled in it. Clearly, we had come to a point in our marriage where communication consisted only on doling out information and instruction. Now here we were, chatting like we did on our first date. Suddenly, I found my husband again - the man I married - not the man whose previous job had turned him into a volcano that erupted on a regular schedule. It was a clear revelation that this is where we needed to be - whether the new business succeeded or not.
Jay knows his direction - the compass is crystal clear. I am still a little hazy - my life consists of the usual stay at home duties. But now a new element - the business - has been thrown in. I have been thrust into an industry I know nothing about, working on government contracts - say what? My brain has not crunched numbers, worked a fax machine, maintained databases, worked in a business environment in over 7 years. I am a little shell-shocked. It also doesn't help that my pain issues prevent me from sitting for more than 10 minutes (more on that later). At some point a decision will have to be made. I will have to go forward with the business, giving up some of my household duties OR forgo the business and maintain my position. It is easy to give up cleaning the house, maintaining the yard and errands, BUT I can't give up time with my kids. I am already enrolling Lily in 5-day a week preschool next year, a step I did begrudgingly. They are quietly growing up on me and I am already trying to grasp at the stages they were at yesterday. Ethan will be 8 - yes, 8, at the end of this month. I don't want to miss anything, but yet, my husband needs me now, too. I pray to God for a clarity and balance - that the position I take is what God would want from me and that Jay senses it, too.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I am, once again, sitting in bed typing on the laptop. One of God's greatest gifts to us, I think, is the gift of wireless! Just kidding. But, it does enable me to work and play - all from the comforts of my bed. Unfortunately, pain is still ruling my life these days. MRI was on Friday - results on Monday. Things were definitely worse on Saturday. One thing I have noted: Everyone seems to have a back pain/muscle pain story. That is good on one hand, but confusing. It seems this sort of pain can come from a variety of sources - bulging/herniated discs, muscle inflammation, and even tumors (I won't go there). Given that I have one bulging disc in my medical repertoire, I am inclined to go in that direction. Along with the varying back pain experiences I have been told come that many different remedies - epidurals, surgery, physical therapy, medications, steroid injections, chiropractors, Epsom salt baths, etc. I don't doubt they all work, but trying to sort it all, without a definite diagnosis, has been an exercise in futility.
On Monday, I plan on going "all in" in this poker game of medical diagnosis. If they happen to tell me there is nothing on the MRI - well, I am broke. Right now, I want them to find something want. So, finding out what it is will be like winning the lottery. I want a definitive diagnosis so at least I can focus on getting well.
On Monday, I plan on going "all in" in this poker game of medical diagnosis. If they happen to tell me there is nothing on the MRI - well, I am broke. Right now, I want them to find something want. So, finding out what it is will be like winning the lottery. I want a definitive diagnosis so at least I can focus on getting well.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
RaRa Telecom Supply - Day 1
Today is the day! Our first day in business!
Check out the website:
www.raratel.com
Jay did it all and I have to say - it is pretty impressive!
Pain still searing in the leg - MRI tomorrow.
First day...lots to do. I'll post more soon!
Check out the website:
www.raratel.com
Jay did it all and I have to say - it is pretty impressive!
Pain still searing in the leg - MRI tomorrow.
First day...lots to do. I'll post more soon!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 28, 2008
A new little person arrived in this world today! I have a new nephew - John Zebulon Greene, V. He will be called Zeb. I just love that. Praise to God for a healthy baby and delivery in Thailand!
I am still nursing my aches and pains. I had an x-ray done yesterday (although I am not sure why). After finding nothing, I am sure, the next plan is an MRI. I wait for the call from the doctor. I am unable to sit up for more than a couple of minutes, therefore, I cannot drive. Jay took the kids to school today. This is getting old.
One positive...I had a wonderful hydrocodone slumber last night.
I am still nursing my aches and pains. I had an x-ray done yesterday (although I am not sure why). After finding nothing, I am sure, the next plan is an MRI. I wait for the call from the doctor. I am unable to sit up for more than a couple of minutes, therefore, I cannot drive. Jay took the kids to school today. This is getting old.
One positive...I had a wonderful hydrocodone slumber last night.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Pain in the rear
The title of this post says it all. I have the most intolerable pain in my rear which runs down the back and side of my thigh. I feel the most pain when I am sitting up - like when driving or working at a desk on my computer. In order to write this post, I am reclining on my bed while sitting on an ice pack (how lovely). This pain has been going on for well over a week but in the last couple of days has increased dramatically. I went to the doctor yesterday and was given some anti-inflammatory stuff and some pain meds. I really thought I would see a vast improvement today. Nope. I drove Ethan and Sadie to the barn this morning (all of a mile from the house) and by the time I got home was ready to slap someone silly.
I did what every person does these days when they have any sort of pain. I consulted the internet. Seems it may or may not be sciatic nerve stuff, a bulging disc or a muscular issue resulting with nerve pain. No duh. However, what scared me the most was that some of these people were talking about 3 years with this kind of pain. What?!?!?!
So, here I lay. It is a beautiful, beautiful day to be outside working on our garden, playing with the kids, even getting out the sprinkler. Instead, I am a slave to my bed, slave to my house, slave to the whims of Jay who needs me with only 5 days to RaRa launch. Someone help me...
I did what every person does these days when they have any sort of pain. I consulted the internet. Seems it may or may not be sciatic nerve stuff, a bulging disc or a muscular issue resulting with nerve pain. No duh. However, what scared me the most was that some of these people were talking about 3 years with this kind of pain. What?!?!?!
So, here I lay. It is a beautiful, beautiful day to be outside working on our garden, playing with the kids, even getting out the sprinkler. Instead, I am a slave to my bed, slave to my house, slave to the whims of Jay who needs me with only 5 days to RaRa launch. Someone help me...
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A ball of goo
I don't know what it is about this week. I have been an emotional ball of goo. I have cried at the drop of a hat, buckets, sobbing, little sniffles, even random tears. Sure, there is a lot on my plate...a lot of changes, but I am a little taken aback by it all. Maybe this is where is all started...
There was a great article in the paper on Sunday about a couple who has been married for 66 years (66 years!). The wife has been caring for her husband for the past 10 years because he has Alzheimer's. A few years ago, it was required that he be moved into a facility. Despite this, she spends 10-12 hours each day at his side taking care of his every need. She is there to dress him, feed him, take him to the bathroom, give him sips of water, but most importantly, she is there to hold his hand. That is their thing - hand holding. According to her, that is what they have always done. Last week, they renewed their vows at the care facility. Arranged by the staff there, they had a minister and even a small reception. It seemed that for a brief moment, her husband responded and smiled with a little yeah when asked if he would take his wife forever. The tears were plenty. I know, I was there. The story was about my grandparents.
Only a week later, my grandfather sits in ICU. His heart is getting weaker, prostate cancer has invaded his kidneys and the Alzheimer's progressing. I went to visit last night and as I walked into his room, there was my grandmother, doing what she has done for the past 66 years. She was sitting beside him holding his hand. My grandfather was asleep with the occasional moan or snore.
I sat down and we talked. I have, ashamedly, discounted the actions of my grandmother as a sign of weakness. Her lack of "a life", her incessant dedication to my grandfather, her inability to make long-term decisions regarding his care all seemed to be a deficiency in her mental capacity to accept reality and to strike a healthy balance. Her drive to keep him alive each and every day seemed to be a waste of the time God has given her on this earth. Shame on me.
What I learned from her was really one of God's lessons to us all. It was a lesson that God showed me many times in my journey with Ansley. I have followed this lesson for short periods of time and then my old always-be-prepared, controlling self would start creeping back in again. It is simple and it is her motto. "I just take it one day at a time," she says matter of factly. She doesn't think about the what ifs, the possibilities, or what the future holds. She simply waits for the situation to change before she processes it. Admittedly, she says she can't go there and she doesn't. She just loves my grandfather for what he is today.
My grandmother believes as I do, that God is completely in control and the he will take care of this entire situation - my grandfather's health, her health, his care, even my grandmother's grief when her companion of 66 years is gone. But she has successfully managed to work it out into her daily life. I have not.
There was a great article in the paper on Sunday about a couple who has been married for 66 years (66 years!). The wife has been caring for her husband for the past 10 years because he has Alzheimer's. A few years ago, it was required that he be moved into a facility. Despite this, she spends 10-12 hours each day at his side taking care of his every need. She is there to dress him, feed him, take him to the bathroom, give him sips of water, but most importantly, she is there to hold his hand. That is their thing - hand holding. According to her, that is what they have always done. Last week, they renewed their vows at the care facility. Arranged by the staff there, they had a minister and even a small reception. It seemed that for a brief moment, her husband responded and smiled with a little yeah when asked if he would take his wife forever. The tears were plenty. I know, I was there. The story was about my grandparents.
Only a week later, my grandfather sits in ICU. His heart is getting weaker, prostate cancer has invaded his kidneys and the Alzheimer's progressing. I went to visit last night and as I walked into his room, there was my grandmother, doing what she has done for the past 66 years. She was sitting beside him holding his hand. My grandfather was asleep with the occasional moan or snore.
I sat down and we talked. I have, ashamedly, discounted the actions of my grandmother as a sign of weakness. Her lack of "a life", her incessant dedication to my grandfather, her inability to make long-term decisions regarding his care all seemed to be a deficiency in her mental capacity to accept reality and to strike a healthy balance. Her drive to keep him alive each and every day seemed to be a waste of the time God has given her on this earth. Shame on me.
What I learned from her was really one of God's lessons to us all. It was a lesson that God showed me many times in my journey with Ansley. I have followed this lesson for short periods of time and then my old always-be-prepared, controlling self would start creeping back in again. It is simple and it is her motto. "I just take it one day at a time," she says matter of factly. She doesn't think about the what ifs, the possibilities, or what the future holds. She simply waits for the situation to change before she processes it. Admittedly, she says she can't go there and she doesn't. She just loves my grandfather for what he is today.
My grandmother believes as I do, that God is completely in control and the he will take care of this entire situation - my grandfather's health, her health, his care, even my grandmother's grief when her companion of 66 years is gone. But she has successfully managed to work it out into her daily life. I have not.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wednesday, April 22, 2008
I had a wonderfully strange dream last night. The details are a little foggy, but what I do remember was fantastic! I was living life in a musical reality!
This all reminds me of a dear college roommate who's mom thought life would be so much better if it worked like a musical - people breaking out in song and dance at random moments of emotion. I have to agree.
The dream had to have come from a compilation of attending High School Musical and watching Andrew Lloyd Webber on American Idol last night. You know how these real life details morph themselves into a dream like the piecing together of a panoramic photo.
What would life be like if everyone sang in harmony and danced perfectly choreographed numbers? The aisles of the grocery store filled with ladies with dancing carts and smiling kids? Kids breaking out in song while they completed their assigned chores - with happy faces. Or worse, they break out in "It's A Hard Knocked Life" from the musical "Annie."
Well, maybe it is not such a good idea now that I think about it.
This all reminds me of a dear college roommate who's mom thought life would be so much better if it worked like a musical - people breaking out in song and dance at random moments of emotion. I have to agree.
The dream had to have come from a compilation of attending High School Musical and watching Andrew Lloyd Webber on American Idol last night. You know how these real life details morph themselves into a dream like the piecing together of a panoramic photo.
What would life be like if everyone sang in harmony and danced perfectly choreographed numbers? The aisles of the grocery store filled with ladies with dancing carts and smiling kids? Kids breaking out in song while they completed their assigned chores - with happy faces. Or worse, they break out in "It's A Hard Knocked Life" from the musical "Annie."
Well, maybe it is not such a good idea now that I think about it.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Encouragement
It was a plethora of love from Ethan tonight:
The phone rang:
Me: Hello...hello?
Ethan using a disguised voice: Hello, I am a billionaire and I want to give you a million dollars for being the best mommy in the world. Just kidding, this is Ethan, your son. (love the "your son" part)
As the lights were going down for bed time:
Ethan: Mommy, if you die, I'll die, too.
Me: No you won't.
Ethan: Yes, I will. I'll kill myself. I just want to always be with you.
Me: ETHAN! No! Remember God has a job for you to do. We don't talk like that. I understand what you mean, though.
Ethan: Mommy, I think you are doing God's job for you really great!
Be still my heart.
Ok, I'll admit it. His love might have been slightly exaggerated because Jay bought a Wii tonight sending him in to an atmospheric high. When I figure it out, I will post more on the Wii and why it was purchased at the end of a 6-month period of no income.
The phone rang:
Me: Hello...hello?
Ethan using a disguised voice: Hello, I am a billionaire and I want to give you a million dollars for being the best mommy in the world. Just kidding, this is Ethan, your son. (love the "your son" part)
As the lights were going down for bed time:
Ethan: Mommy, if you die, I'll die, too.
Me: No you won't.
Ethan: Yes, I will. I'll kill myself. I just want to always be with you.
Me: ETHAN! No! Remember God has a job for you to do. We don't talk like that. I understand what you mean, though.
Ethan: Mommy, I think you are doing God's job for you really great!
Be still my heart.
Ok, I'll admit it. His love might have been slightly exaggerated because Jay bought a Wii tonight sending him in to an atmospheric high. When I figure it out, I will post more on the Wii and why it was purchased at the end of a 6-month period of no income.
Sadie's part
This past Friday was Grandparent's Day at HPCA. It is the day where all the grandparents or special friends are invited for a musical presentation by the Elementary, followed by an open house of the classrooms. It is a day that the kids really get excited about - for obvious reasons. Hundreds of doting grandparents descend upon the school and then are allowed to take their "budding stars" home early from school for ice cream.
This year, Sadie was given a speaking part. She was recommended by her teacher and then chosen by the principal. I was totally shocked! I remember over a year ago, I sat at the annual Christmas program completely stressed. Sadie was still in 4-year preschool and I came to this sick-to-my-stomach realization that it would take a miracle from God for her to actually be able to participate in such a program next year. She would not sit still, she would not focus, she would decide to run across the stage with her fanny showing. You know, something typically Sadie. OR so I thought!
Friends, God is still in the miracle making business!
This year's Christmas production came and went without a blip. Her teacher even remarked how focused and into it she was. She kept her eyes on the music teacher, sang loudly and produced all hand motions at appropriate times.
Therefore, when I found out that Sadie received a speaking role at Grandparent's Day - one of only 3 in the kindergarten, 1 of 17 in the entire school...well, I was both elated and weak at the knees.
After one day of dress rehearsal the week of the production, Ethan announced the following:
Mommy, I was so nervous for Sadie when it was her turn, but she was awesome! She did a great job. Mommy, it was just incredible.
I began to relax...a little.
Seeing that the odds are strongly stacked against Sadie ever getting another part at a school production, Jay and I decided to crash the senior citizen party toting the obligatory video camera.
It came time for her part, the last speaking part. As she made her way to the microphone, I stood up to get the perfect shot. I am sure I mouthed her few lines along with her just like a pushy stage mom:
"The greatest example we have is Jesus. He is the King of kings, yet he humbly came down to earth because we needed a Savior."
She nailed it. There was even a little murmur across the crowd as she took her seat. It was clear, it was poised...she was in her element. I was teary.
Raising her has been hard work. Many times, I have felt like she was sitting there chipping away at me piece by piece by piece. There were times when I just sat down and cried. My failures were plenty, my frustrations many, and my prayers a thousand fold.
But God IS in the miracle business. He is faithful to bless us when we are so undeserving.
I know that I am not out of the woods. Sadie is Sadie, after all. But for a moment, I saw what God sees in her. A beautiful little flawless soul who loves Him.
This year, Sadie was given a speaking part. She was recommended by her teacher and then chosen by the principal. I was totally shocked! I remember over a year ago, I sat at the annual Christmas program completely stressed. Sadie was still in 4-year preschool and I came to this sick-to-my-stomach realization that it would take a miracle from God for her to actually be able to participate in such a program next year. She would not sit still, she would not focus, she would decide to run across the stage with her fanny showing. You know, something typically Sadie. OR so I thought!
Friends, God is still in the miracle making business!
This year's Christmas production came and went without a blip. Her teacher even remarked how focused and into it she was. She kept her eyes on the music teacher, sang loudly and produced all hand motions at appropriate times.
Therefore, when I found out that Sadie received a speaking role at Grandparent's Day - one of only 3 in the kindergarten, 1 of 17 in the entire school...well, I was both elated and weak at the knees.
After one day of dress rehearsal the week of the production, Ethan announced the following:
Mommy, I was so nervous for Sadie when it was her turn, but she was awesome! She did a great job. Mommy, it was just incredible.
I began to relax...a little.
Seeing that the odds are strongly stacked against Sadie ever getting another part at a school production, Jay and I decided to crash the senior citizen party toting the obligatory video camera.
It came time for her part, the last speaking part. As she made her way to the microphone, I stood up to get the perfect shot. I am sure I mouthed her few lines along with her just like a pushy stage mom:
"The greatest example we have is Jesus. He is the King of kings, yet he humbly came down to earth because we needed a Savior."
She nailed it. There was even a little murmur across the crowd as she took her seat. It was clear, it was poised...she was in her element. I was teary.
Raising her has been hard work. Many times, I have felt like she was sitting there chipping away at me piece by piece by piece. There were times when I just sat down and cried. My failures were plenty, my frustrations many, and my prayers a thousand fold.
But God IS in the miracle business. He is faithful to bless us when we are so undeserving.
I know that I am not out of the woods. Sadie is Sadie, after all. But for a moment, I saw what God sees in her. A beautiful little flawless soul who loves Him.
My hotel thing, by Lily
For several months now, Lily would bring a toy into the car calling it her "hotel." The toy might change, but she would still call it her "hotel." I totally didn't get it and thought this was just one of those quirky things. Some sort of odd qualifier of her toys. This morning, Lily walked into the bedroom with a toy and declared it was her "hotel" thing. I remarked to Jay that I was baffled by this reference. He looked at me and calmly said, "Kelsey, that is her "show and tell" thing!" AHA! And, good for Jay for being the translator for once!
Deep Thoughts, by Ethan
I love my little thinker, Ethan. When confronted with a new situation or experience, he doesn't often make much comment. However, weeks or even months after they have happened he will have a few questions and want to 'chat' about it. Inevitably these conversations begin just as I am getting ready to turn off the light at bed time. How clever of him, right?
Last night, he and Sadie were sitting on his bed. They have become bed buddies lately which I don't fight. Ansley and I slept in the same bed through junior high. I suspect in a year or two it will Sadie and Lily sharing a twin bed in the night. I think it has actually helped their relationship as it seems they don't fight nearly as much.
Here are some of his questions over the past 3-4 years:
1. How can God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit be one?
2. Who created God? How can he have always been?
3. Why did God have to take Mamie (Ansley)?
4. Who created Satan?
5.If God wants to be with us, why didn't he just create us in heaven. Why did he bother with earth?
Last night, it was a doozy:
What if someone just decided to make up our God, you know just made up all this stuff? I mean, what if we are worshipping the wrong God and we will just die because we are worshipping the wrong God? I don't want to just die. I want to go somewhere - I want to go to heaven.
Ok - So, I wasn't quite prepared for that one out of left field. Thankfully, I was holding his Bible and I was able to point him to: Jesus said, I am THE way, THE truth and THE Life. No one comes to the Father, but through me. Along with some other scriptures of relevance. Seem to satisfy him for now...
I love that he thinks on such a deep level for a 7, almost 8 year old. I love that he doesn't accept things at just face value, but wants to explore and mull it over and question it. And, I am sure this will not be the last entry titled...Deep Thoughts, by Ethan.
Last night, he and Sadie were sitting on his bed. They have become bed buddies lately which I don't fight. Ansley and I slept in the same bed through junior high. I suspect in a year or two it will Sadie and Lily sharing a twin bed in the night. I think it has actually helped their relationship as it seems they don't fight nearly as much.
Here are some of his questions over the past 3-4 years:
1. How can God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit be one?
2. Who created God? How can he have always been?
3. Why did God have to take Mamie (Ansley)?
4. Who created Satan?
5.If God wants to be with us, why didn't he just create us in heaven. Why did he bother with earth?
Last night, it was a doozy:
What if someone just decided to make up our God, you know just made up all this stuff? I mean, what if we are worshipping the wrong God and we will just die because we are worshipping the wrong God? I don't want to just die. I want to go somewhere - I want to go to heaven.
Ok - So, I wasn't quite prepared for that one out of left field. Thankfully, I was holding his Bible and I was able to point him to: Jesus said, I am THE way, THE truth and THE Life. No one comes to the Father, but through me. Along with some other scriptures of relevance. Seem to satisfy him for now...
I love that he thinks on such a deep level for a 7, almost 8 year old. I love that he doesn't accept things at just face value, but wants to explore and mull it over and question it. And, I am sure this will not be the last entry titled...Deep Thoughts, by Ethan.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Freaky Friday
What I learned on our beach trip was mind-blowing, simply astounding...my Dad and I are like twins separated at birth. Alright. Slight-exaggeration. However, it has been a long time since I have spent several days together, under the same roof, with my dad. We have taken vacations together, but the crowd is always too big to stay under same roof. Actually, I think no one really wanted to stay with our three, very loud, very young, rising at the crack of dawn children, so we ended up in a place of our own. I can happily say that much of that has changed, except their volume.
Over the past four days, I have learned the following:
1. We love to eat cookies for breakfast. Homemade chocolate chip is favored with Oatmeal Raisin coming a close second. The cookie is served with a cup of black coffee. We have no shame in this horrible choice of nutrition. We don't even think twice about it.
2. We talk a mean, mean game prior to engaging in one. Even if we have NO skill in what we are attempting to play, we still think we are good at it. Oh, wait. That may only apply to me and a pathetic game of ping pong I goaded my dad into playing against me. Dad 50, Kelsey 0
3. We are horrible sports. The pure glee we get when we are winning borders embarrassment. We can also come up with every excuse imaginable if we are losing. The earth's alignment with the sun caused a slight blind spot when trying to putt at the 9th hole at Treasure Island putt putt which resulted in 3 strokes, one-over. You get my drift?
4. We have the same feet and hands and have passed that physical attribute onto Ethan.
And finally,
5. We love the beach. It brings out the best of us. Period. It was my dad who drove us as children to spend every vacation we had at the beach. My entire youth was spent at Myrtle Beach (weekends, every break, summers, etc.) and I could probably drive those back wood/logging roads blindfolded.
Nothing relaxes me more than sitting on a hot beach, hearing the waves and sipping on a cold beverage. It rivals any prescription for me. We are usually one of the first on the beach and almost always the last to go in. My dad is also a great weather forecaster of the clouds while on the beach. He will note the size, shape, and color of the clouds, wind direction, etc. in order to determine if packing up is necessary. Others will run inside, afraid of the possibility of rain. My dad keeps a steady course, sometimes sitting out in a very, very brief shower. What dedication!
While on the beach, I can't say we read a lot, stay in the water or get out of our chairs more than a couple of times. We just sit and talk (mainly about the weather!) and take the occasional nap. It is heavenly.
I am thankful for all those trips to the sand, Dad. And, for giving me that part of you!
Over the past four days, I have learned the following:
1. We love to eat cookies for breakfast. Homemade chocolate chip is favored with Oatmeal Raisin coming a close second. The cookie is served with a cup of black coffee. We have no shame in this horrible choice of nutrition. We don't even think twice about it.
2. We talk a mean, mean game prior to engaging in one. Even if we have NO skill in what we are attempting to play, we still think we are good at it. Oh, wait. That may only apply to me and a pathetic game of ping pong I goaded my dad into playing against me. Dad 50, Kelsey 0
3. We are horrible sports. The pure glee we get when we are winning borders embarrassment. We can also come up with every excuse imaginable if we are losing. The earth's alignment with the sun caused a slight blind spot when trying to putt at the 9th hole at Treasure Island putt putt which resulted in 3 strokes, one-over. You get my drift?
4. We have the same feet and hands and have passed that physical attribute onto Ethan.
And finally,
5. We love the beach. It brings out the best of us. Period. It was my dad who drove us as children to spend every vacation we had at the beach. My entire youth was spent at Myrtle Beach (weekends, every break, summers, etc.) and I could probably drive those back wood/logging roads blindfolded.
Nothing relaxes me more than sitting on a hot beach, hearing the waves and sipping on a cold beverage. It rivals any prescription for me. We are usually one of the first on the beach and almost always the last to go in. My dad is also a great weather forecaster of the clouds while on the beach. He will note the size, shape, and color of the clouds, wind direction, etc. in order to determine if packing up is necessary. Others will run inside, afraid of the possibility of rain. My dad keeps a steady course, sometimes sitting out in a very, very brief shower. What dedication!
While on the beach, I can't say we read a lot, stay in the water or get out of our chairs more than a couple of times. We just sit and talk (mainly about the weather!) and take the occasional nap. It is heavenly.
I am thankful for all those trips to the sand, Dad. And, for giving me that part of you!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Getting to Know You...Getting to Know All About You...
Got tagged again. This is fun! Here it goes:
Place an (X) by all of the things you have done.
Have you ever:
Gone on a blind date (X) Cute boy but not my type. Ended up being my best friend's boyfriend for a year or so in high school, OH - forgot a horrible one in college. Yuck!
Skipped school (x) - to do things I am ashamed about! Parents never knew.
Been with someone when they died (X) Only one. Ansley
Been to Canada () Nope.
Been to Mexico ( ) Nope.
Been to Florida (X)
Been on a plane (X)
Been lost () Notice empty box. I can say I have never been truly lost. Maybe a wrong turn or so, but never have I driven in the wrong direction with out knowing I was going in the wrong direction. This is an area in which I have a little pride.
Been on the opposite side of the country (X) California and Washington State
Gone to Washington , DC (X) Over Easter was the latest. I actually drove there when I had a 3 mo. old and a 2 year old (5 hour drive)
Swam in the ocean (X) Dipped my feet in it yesterday - WAY too cold for a swim!
Cried yourself to sleep (X) More times in the last year than I would like
Played cops and robbers (X) I am not sure... but for sure cowboys and Indians
Recently colored with crayons (X) Just a day or so ago
Sang Karaoke (X) Oh how bad it was singing Country Roads in a bowling alley bar named Chauncey's. Need I say more!
Paid for a meal with coins only? (X) Many times b/c keep coins in my car! Stealing Robin's answer
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? (X) - I said that whenever I sewed paper together for scrapbooking I would quit. Obviously, I did it and still scrapbook.
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (X)
Caught a snowflake on your tongue (X)
Danced in the rain (X)
Written a letter to Santa Claus (X)
Been kissed under the mistletoe (X)
Watched the sunrise with someone you care about () Empty because I am NOT a morning person. I could put an X if it were sunset.
Blown bubbles (X) Will do it a lot today on the beach
Gone ice-skating (X)
Gone to the movies (X)
Gone water skiing (X) In Jamaica - it was pitiful
1. Any nickname: No - well, actually, I had the nickname Spike in Junior High because I had gotten some tree sap in my hair - right at the top - and had to have it cut out. When it grew back I had spikey hair. It was awful! In 8th grade - what could be worse at that age?
2. Favorite breakfast cereal? Granola
3. Favorite drink? Sweet Tea or Lemonade
4. Body Piercing? Ears only! But I do have a tattoo which morphed into something very unattractive due to stretch marks from three pregnancies! If you are going to get a tattoo - think about where you are putting it!!!
6. How much do you love your job? SAHM - love it, President of RaRa - who knows?
7. Birthplace? Virginia
8. Favorite vacation spot? The Carribbean
9. Ever been to Africa ? Twice - Once as a heathen and once as a believer. Heathen: Hitchhiked through Botswana into Zimbabwe, was in South Africa 6 months after the vote to end apartheid - very exciting and also very scary. Believer: Ghana. Beautiful. Planning a 2009 trip to see Ansley's church.
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? I am sure I have, although, I would say it happens for breakfast more often!
11. Ever been on TV? A few times as a child.
12. Ever steal any traffic sign? No, but someone gave me one in high school. Robin, I have the SAME answer!!!
13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes - a few. Once drove a truck into a pond in high school. Upon exiting the vehicle, I was waist deep in water!
14. Favorite salad dressing? Tried and true 1,000 Island
15. Favorite pie? Jay's homemade and incredible Dutch Apple Pie - the REAL deal
16. Drive a 2 door or 4 door car? 4 Door
17. Favorite number? 3 - the number of my children, the trinity among others
18. Favorite movie? Jane Austen flicks, Life is Beautiful
19. Favorite holiday? I have to say Easter - for the emotion. And I'll admit it, I love Halloween. Call me a heathen, people. Even as an adult, I like getting dressed up and the candy. I love fall festivals!!!! This year, in a strange twist, Ethan was Darth Vader and I was Princess Lea. He was my father!
20. Favorite dessert? Anything with dark chocolate
21 Favorite food? Homemade pimento cheese salad and chicken salad from Company's Coming. To die for!
22. Favorite day of the week? Friday
23. Favorite brand of body wash? Body wash? Are you kidding me? I never use it. Robin, I'll pass along any I have when I see you.
24. Favorite toothpaste? Crest
25. Favorite perfume/cologne? Never wear it. But I think I have some Beautiful or Happy that I throw on once or twice a year.
26. What do you do to relax? take a hot, hot bath and sleep.
27. What is your number one pet peeve? People who continually complain about their lives and then keep repeating the same behavior that got them there. Usually it is a result of unreliance on God. Boy, that sounds really, really judgemental. Gotta work on that.
28. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I have no idea. That is a really strange question. I mean, kids will be teenagers - 17, 16, 13. So, I would imagine I would spend a lot of time pulling my hair out, locked in my bathroom?!?!?! We are at such a cross roads with our family - new business, etc. WHO KNOWS!!?!?!
29. Farthest place you will send this message? I don't know who is reading except for three people. I just added someone who is in Asia. Who knows?
30 Of the people who read this, who will do this first? Obviously, can't answer. See above.
Place an (X) by all of the things you have done.
Have you ever:
Gone on a blind date (X) Cute boy but not my type. Ended up being my best friend's boyfriend for a year or so in high school, OH - forgot a horrible one in college. Yuck!
Skipped school (x) - to do things I am ashamed about! Parents never knew.
Been with someone when they died (X) Only one. Ansley
Been to Canada () Nope.
Been to Mexico ( ) Nope.
Been to Florida (X)
Been on a plane (X)
Been lost () Notice empty box. I can say I have never been truly lost. Maybe a wrong turn or so, but never have I driven in the wrong direction with out knowing I was going in the wrong direction. This is an area in which I have a little pride.
Been on the opposite side of the country (X) California and Washington State
Gone to Washington , DC (X) Over Easter was the latest. I actually drove there when I had a 3 mo. old and a 2 year old (5 hour drive)
Swam in the ocean (X) Dipped my feet in it yesterday - WAY too cold for a swim!
Cried yourself to sleep (X) More times in the last year than I would like
Played cops and robbers (X) I am not sure... but for sure cowboys and Indians
Recently colored with crayons (X) Just a day or so ago
Sang Karaoke (X) Oh how bad it was singing Country Roads in a bowling alley bar named Chauncey's. Need I say more!
Paid for a meal with coins only? (X) Many times b/c keep coins in my car! Stealing Robin's answer
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? (X) - I said that whenever I sewed paper together for scrapbooking I would quit. Obviously, I did it and still scrapbook.
Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (X)
Caught a snowflake on your tongue (X)
Danced in the rain (X)
Written a letter to Santa Claus (X)
Been kissed under the mistletoe (X)
Watched the sunrise with someone you care about () Empty because I am NOT a morning person. I could put an X if it were sunset.
Blown bubbles (X) Will do it a lot today on the beach
Gone ice-skating (X)
Gone to the movies (X)
Gone water skiing (X) In Jamaica - it was pitiful
1. Any nickname: No - well, actually, I had the nickname Spike in Junior High because I had gotten some tree sap in my hair - right at the top - and had to have it cut out. When it grew back I had spikey hair. It was awful! In 8th grade - what could be worse at that age?
2. Favorite breakfast cereal? Granola
3. Favorite drink? Sweet Tea or Lemonade
4. Body Piercing? Ears only! But I do have a tattoo which morphed into something very unattractive due to stretch marks from three pregnancies! If you are going to get a tattoo - think about where you are putting it!!!
6. How much do you love your job? SAHM - love it, President of RaRa - who knows?
7. Birthplace? Virginia
8. Favorite vacation spot? The Carribbean
9. Ever been to Africa ? Twice - Once as a heathen and once as a believer. Heathen: Hitchhiked through Botswana into Zimbabwe, was in South Africa 6 months after the vote to end apartheid - very exciting and also very scary. Believer: Ghana. Beautiful. Planning a 2009 trip to see Ansley's church.
10. Ever eaten cookies for dinner? I am sure I have, although, I would say it happens for breakfast more often!
11. Ever been on TV? A few times as a child.
12. Ever steal any traffic sign? No, but someone gave me one in high school. Robin, I have the SAME answer!!!
13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes - a few. Once drove a truck into a pond in high school. Upon exiting the vehicle, I was waist deep in water!
14. Favorite salad dressing? Tried and true 1,000 Island
15. Favorite pie? Jay's homemade and incredible Dutch Apple Pie - the REAL deal
16. Drive a 2 door or 4 door car? 4 Door
17. Favorite number? 3 - the number of my children, the trinity among others
18. Favorite movie? Jane Austen flicks, Life is Beautiful
19. Favorite holiday? I have to say Easter - for the emotion. And I'll admit it, I love Halloween. Call me a heathen, people. Even as an adult, I like getting dressed up and the candy. I love fall festivals!!!! This year, in a strange twist, Ethan was Darth Vader and I was Princess Lea. He was my father!
20. Favorite dessert? Anything with dark chocolate
21 Favorite food? Homemade pimento cheese salad and chicken salad from Company's Coming. To die for!
22. Favorite day of the week? Friday
23. Favorite brand of body wash? Body wash? Are you kidding me? I never use it. Robin, I'll pass along any I have when I see you.
24. Favorite toothpaste? Crest
25. Favorite perfume/cologne? Never wear it. But I think I have some Beautiful or Happy that I throw on once or twice a year.
26. What do you do to relax? take a hot, hot bath and sleep.
27. What is your number one pet peeve? People who continually complain about their lives and then keep repeating the same behavior that got them there. Usually it is a result of unreliance on God. Boy, that sounds really, really judgemental. Gotta work on that.
28. How do you see yourself in 10 years? I have no idea. That is a really strange question. I mean, kids will be teenagers - 17, 16, 13. So, I would imagine I would spend a lot of time pulling my hair out, locked in my bathroom?!?!?! We are at such a cross roads with our family - new business, etc. WHO KNOWS!!?!?!
29. Farthest place you will send this message? I don't know who is reading except for three people. I just added someone who is in Asia. Who knows?
30 Of the people who read this, who will do this first? Obviously, can't answer. See above.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
We're leaving for the beach today! Yippee!! We'll be back on Monday and I am very, very excited. Thank you, Dad, for the unexpected treat. I am sure this will be the last vacation for a very, very long time. Jay is taking the laptop so I hope to get some serious blogging done and have lots of posts on Tuesday!
Launch time for RaRa Telecom Supply: T-minus 12 DAYS!
Launch time for RaRa Telecom Supply: T-minus 12 DAYS!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Leftovers
Note to self: Not everything the market renters leave behind is worthy to keep.
Our market guests decided to do more cooking this time around. At least that is what they intended with all the food they purchased. And, it wasn't the cheap stuff either. Lots of fresh fruits, nuts, olives, crackers, organic, etc. A lot of items I would never purchase. Lucky us, they bagged the whole idea of eating in about halfway through market. They left a ton of unopened food in our fridge. (I am not talking leftovers, people, I do have some standards).
I decided to try out a new recipe combining several items, including the all gourmet sounding polenta. After a little investigating, I found that polenta is a very finely ground cornmeal. In this case it was presented like a sausage. I thought it was some sort of pasta/rice something so at least I was close with a starch. I made the very uppity sounding Italian eggs with Spinach and Polenta. Let me tell ya, we are a polenta eating family now. The kids loved it - particularly the Italian eggs. Sadie, "This stuff is awesome." I think it really had to do with what was on top of the polenta because the polenta itself was marginal, at best. After all, it is cornmeal.
Tonight, Jay said, those Thai peanuts are terrible. This statement coming from a man who could eat Thai food for breakfast, lunch and dinner was suspect at best. Thai peanuts? I hadn't seen them in the pantry. I doubted him (at least his assessment of them) and asked him to bring them to me. His desire to see me gag obviously got the best of him and he literally ran to get them. Heinous. I couldn't get a glass of water fast enough. The official name of the product: Traditional Thai Lime & Chili Peanuts - found at your local Trader Joe's. BLAH!
So what have you had lately - good, bad or ugly that you can give a shout about?
Our market guests decided to do more cooking this time around. At least that is what they intended with all the food they purchased. And, it wasn't the cheap stuff either. Lots of fresh fruits, nuts, olives, crackers, organic, etc. A lot of items I would never purchase. Lucky us, they bagged the whole idea of eating in about halfway through market. They left a ton of unopened food in our fridge. (I am not talking leftovers, people, I do have some standards).
I decided to try out a new recipe combining several items, including the all gourmet sounding polenta. After a little investigating, I found that polenta is a very finely ground cornmeal. In this case it was presented like a sausage. I thought it was some sort of pasta/rice something so at least I was close with a starch. I made the very uppity sounding Italian eggs with Spinach and Polenta. Let me tell ya, we are a polenta eating family now. The kids loved it - particularly the Italian eggs. Sadie, "This stuff is awesome." I think it really had to do with what was on top of the polenta because the polenta itself was marginal, at best. After all, it is cornmeal.
Tonight, Jay said, those Thai peanuts are terrible. This statement coming from a man who could eat Thai food for breakfast, lunch and dinner was suspect at best. Thai peanuts? I hadn't seen them in the pantry. I doubted him (at least his assessment of them) and asked him to bring them to me. His desire to see me gag obviously got the best of him and he literally ran to get them. Heinous. I couldn't get a glass of water fast enough. The official name of the product: Traditional Thai Lime & Chili Peanuts - found at your local Trader Joe's. BLAH!
So what have you had lately - good, bad or ugly that you can give a shout about?
Comments
I have opened up my blog with some fear and well, excitement. If you read this post, I hope that you will take the time to make a comment. After each post there is a place to click that says Comments (duh.). My good friend, Robin, aka Hillbilly Robin is really good at this, (note her various comments) . I like to know who is here and I want to get some feedback.
Can you relate about what I am writing? Does what I have written seem true or contrived, etc.
My blog is about my family. Occasionally, I will write about past experiences, particularly regarding my sister, Ansley, who passed away over a year ago from breast cancer. So, enjoy, but let me know you are here - even if you do it anonymously!
Can you relate about what I am writing? Does what I have written seem true or contrived, etc.
My blog is about my family. Occasionally, I will write about past experiences, particularly regarding my sister, Ansley, who passed away over a year ago from breast cancer. So, enjoy, but let me know you are here - even if you do it anonymously!
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sadie declared she was going to love on our dog, Bobo. He is an outside dog with one eye who really deserves his own post. Old, faithful, slightly nasty, Bobo.
Anyway, she came inside and asked for a snack. I said - sure, but make sure you wash your hands. She came back to ask if she could have the "bad mommy snack du jour" Yogos. I saw that her hands were wet, but I had a feeling no soap had been applied. She was standing in the door frame and put one hand on the white painted frame. Here is the conversation:
"Sadie, did you wash your hands?"
"Yes."
"Did you use soap?"
"No, but I am the only one who will touch my Yogos."
I love her qualifier. At least she doesn't want to get anyone else sick, but is ok with making herself sick. At this point she moved away from the door frame. There was this nasty little muddy imprint left on my white painted door frame.
See, Sadie, that is why you need to use soap!
On another note...if you have never purchased Yogos for your kids...DON'T! I only bought them because they were at Aldi's and appeared to be a good price. They taste disgusting, but my kids would lie, cheat and steal to get them. I don't want to think about the nutritional value...or lack thereof.
Anyway, she came inside and asked for a snack. I said - sure, but make sure you wash your hands. She came back to ask if she could have the "bad mommy snack du jour" Yogos. I saw that her hands were wet, but I had a feeling no soap had been applied. She was standing in the door frame and put one hand on the white painted frame. Here is the conversation:
"Sadie, did you wash your hands?"
"Yes."
"Did you use soap?"
"No, but I am the only one who will touch my Yogos."
I love her qualifier. At least she doesn't want to get anyone else sick, but is ok with making herself sick. At this point she moved away from the door frame. There was this nasty little muddy imprint left on my white painted door frame.
See, Sadie, that is why you need to use soap!
On another note...if you have never purchased Yogos for your kids...DON'T! I only bought them because they were at Aldi's and appeared to be a good price. They taste disgusting, but my kids would lie, cheat and steal to get them. I don't want to think about the nutritional value...or lack thereof.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
God's flashlight
I read this today in another blog I frequent. It was about his children:
I'm stunned and humbled seeing the pure goodness that radiates from these small things that sprang from my wife's body and introduced me to the person that I'm supposed to be. It's like someone pressure washed all of the dreck from a few pieces of my personality, put them together with many more pieces of my wife's personality and then repackaged it into a living reminder of that there are good things in the world.
What struck me was the writer's statement that his children introduced him to the person that he is supposed to be. How true I have found this to be. To that end I would say that they have introduced me to the person I really am. In general, it is not a pretty sight.
I have long said that my children have brought all of my sin to the forefront - the proverbial 'slammed by a mack truck,' if you will. Acted-out anger, impatience, selfishness are showcased like a very bad junior high talent show that keeps repeating itself - ad nauseum. When I look at the bigger picture, I find I can add anxiety and worry as they go about their day with out me in their physical presence. Don't even get me started about my control issues! That was the specific purpose of one of my children.
How many times have I become extremely irritable because I have not gotten MY way - what I feel like I (key word) DESERVE. Hmmmm - sound familiar?!?! Sounds like a statement that my own children could make and I am supposed to be the adult, the parent, the one who instructs. At least I can say that I no longer stomp my feet in a fit of anger...well, actually, that would be a lie. I last stomped my feet and threw myself on my bed when I realized Jay had picked out and was already painting Ethan's nursery mint green instead of celadon green. Chalk that one up to hormones, plain and simple.
Instead of temper tantrums, I have become the MASTER of justification. OR should I say I can excuse any of my sinful behaviors with a wave of my hand. I am the parent, they are the children - end of story. Hmpf. But lately, God has brought me back under the examination light. The last three months have been a particularly tough time of evaluation. Pain, but good pain, I often say.
To evaluate each and every response with "die to self," has been an extremely difficult exercise and one that at times I feel is completely futile. To put aside the exhaustion, the emotional waste, the frazzled-ness, the lack of ME that my life holds on a continuous and consistent basis is well...painful. And let me be very, very clear - I fail more often than I succeed.
However, I do see some fruits of my labor. Slow changes, improvements, a better relationship with my kids. And although I can't say that their behavior has reached perfection, I see a change in my reaction to them. And, really, isn't that why God's light shines - to change me and draw me closer to Him?
I'm stunned and humbled seeing the pure goodness that radiates from these small things that sprang from my wife's body and introduced me to the person that I'm supposed to be. It's like someone pressure washed all of the dreck from a few pieces of my personality, put them together with many more pieces of my wife's personality and then repackaged it into a living reminder of that there are good things in the world.
What struck me was the writer's statement that his children introduced him to the person that he is supposed to be. How true I have found this to be. To that end I would say that they have introduced me to the person I really am. In general, it is not a pretty sight.
I have long said that my children have brought all of my sin to the forefront - the proverbial 'slammed by a mack truck,' if you will. Acted-out anger, impatience, selfishness are showcased like a very bad junior high talent show that keeps repeating itself - ad nauseum. When I look at the bigger picture, I find I can add anxiety and worry as they go about their day with out me in their physical presence. Don't even get me started about my control issues! That was the specific purpose of one of my children.
How many times have I become extremely irritable because I have not gotten MY way - what I feel like I (key word) DESERVE. Hmmmm - sound familiar?!?! Sounds like a statement that my own children could make and I am supposed to be the adult, the parent, the one who instructs. At least I can say that I no longer stomp my feet in a fit of anger...well, actually, that would be a lie. I last stomped my feet and threw myself on my bed when I realized Jay had picked out and was already painting Ethan's nursery mint green instead of celadon green. Chalk that one up to hormones, plain and simple.
Instead of temper tantrums, I have become the MASTER of justification. OR should I say I can excuse any of my sinful behaviors with a wave of my hand. I am the parent, they are the children - end of story. Hmpf. But lately, God has brought me back under the examination light. The last three months have been a particularly tough time of evaluation. Pain, but good pain, I often say.
To evaluate each and every response with "die to self," has been an extremely difficult exercise and one that at times I feel is completely futile. To put aside the exhaustion, the emotional waste, the frazzled-ness, the lack of ME that my life holds on a continuous and consistent basis is well...painful. And let me be very, very clear - I fail more often than I succeed.
However, I do see some fruits of my labor. Slow changes, improvements, a better relationship with my kids. And although I can't say that their behavior has reached perfection, I see a change in my reaction to them. And, really, isn't that why God's light shines - to change me and draw me closer to Him?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
6 word memoir update
J and I had a conversation regarding my cell phone or mobile phone (pick your terminology). It was a conversation that always begins with the same statement..."You would have known if you had your phone...insert sentence ending from the following:
1. on
2. with you
3. charged up.
I am adult, on most accounts. However, the mobile phone has reduced me to a child. I can't keep up with it, I can't keep it charged and I certainly can't be expected to have it with me AT ALL TIMES.
Jay just clips it to him daily- actually, I think he is now a part of that subculture that alters their body (i.e. Lizard Man). He could become Cell Phone Man. If it weren't for upgrades I think he would have it surgically attached. He feels naked if he doesn't have it with him which I can only liken to jewelry for us. Seriously, which one is more important? Ladies?
So this twice weekly conversation ensues with the never-ending threat of having my phone turned off. I have actually begged for this to happen at one point because I just don't like the pressure of the mobile phone rules. Always on. Always charged. Always with you.
Long ago, I discovered my limits regarding responsibility. Ask my mom. I lost countless library books as a child, left lunches on the counter, forgot tennis rackets on game days, etc. And as an adult, it is not uncommon for me to completely miss scheduled dental appointments, double book events, etc. The pinnacle of this, which most of you know, is when I ACCIDENT LY left one of my kids at home (post to come - DON'T CALL DSS). Knowing this, J still thinks I am capable of owning a mobile phone. So, who just who is the irresponsible one here?
Therefore, my response to the mobile phone conversation we have been through a million times is to hang my head and say that I will try better next time -like a child.
Not knowing of the 6-word challenge, Jay responded by saying, "This should be your life statement, Kelsey:"
"I will, when my phone's charged."
Ha!
1. on
2. with you
3. charged up.
I am adult, on most accounts. However, the mobile phone has reduced me to a child. I can't keep up with it, I can't keep it charged and I certainly can't be expected to have it with me AT ALL TIMES.
Jay just clips it to him daily- actually, I think he is now a part of that subculture that alters their body (i.e. Lizard Man). He could become Cell Phone Man. If it weren't for upgrades I think he would have it surgically attached. He feels naked if he doesn't have it with him which I can only liken to jewelry for us. Seriously, which one is more important? Ladies?
So this twice weekly conversation ensues with the never-ending threat of having my phone turned off. I have actually begged for this to happen at one point because I just don't like the pressure of the mobile phone rules. Always on. Always charged. Always with you.
Long ago, I discovered my limits regarding responsibility. Ask my mom. I lost countless library books as a child, left lunches on the counter, forgot tennis rackets on game days, etc. And as an adult, it is not uncommon for me to completely miss scheduled dental appointments, double book events, etc. The pinnacle of this, which most of you know, is when I ACCIDENT LY left one of my kids at home (post to come - DON'T CALL DSS). Knowing this, J still thinks I am capable of owning a mobile phone. So, who just who is the irresponsible one here?
Therefore, my response to the mobile phone conversation we have been through a million times is to hang my head and say that I will try better next time -like a child.
Not knowing of the 6-word challenge, Jay responded by saying, "This should be your life statement, Kelsey:"
"I will, when my phone's charged."
Ha!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Focused Talent
Today, my mom took Gray, Sadie and me to see the local community theater's production of "High School Musical." On the way to meet my mom and Gray, Sadie began singing. It was the sweetest sound. I didn't know this song was part of her limited repertoire. A soft and very in-tune voice sang, "Here comes the sun...ado-do-do-do. Here comes the sun - ado-do-do-do. It's all right." She sang straight to my prideful heart.
Onto the show...I must be one of the few parents who is not well versed in the High School Musical saga or songs. I have not seen the movie. I can only liken its popularity to the movie of my generation...GREASE. Surprisingly, HSM is quite innocent in compared to the pregnancy scare and the innocent-turned-prostitute story line of GREASE. What were our parents thinking????
All in all, this performance of HSM was a great show with an incredible amount of talent. We all enjoyed it a lot. During the show, I looked over at Sadie who was absolutely glued to the performers (except for one incident referenced below). I thought - wow - she could be on that stage one day. She has such a pretty, velvety voice - prideful heart growing. What talent - she could be a star. And then...she made her best effort to clap to the songs along with the rest of the audience. I had no idea that some one could not hear the beat to a song as obviously as she didn't. Amazing. How can someone sing, in-tune, and then be completely void of rhythm, slapping hands together in such a spasmoid fashion? Isn't it supposed to be like Ebony and Ivory - side by side in perfect harmony? Prideful heart deflated and back to reality.
Ok - so when I try to describe my children to other people, it is tough to describe Sadie and her idiosyncrasies. Seriously, the child truly marches to the beat of her own drummer. This is where she became completely side-tracked at the show. We had popcorn in a typical red and white box - who knew they served this during the musical? Anyway, somewhere during middle of the second act, she finished up the box. She was frustrated by the end of the box because it was the foldable kind and she kept losing popcorn out of the bottom because she stuck her fingers through it. So, here is this empty popcorn box, normally placed on the floor of the theater and taken to the trash at the end of the show. Instead, Sadie begins to reconfigure the box into something useful. What could you possibly need at a community theater production? Why some sort of viewing device/binoculars! She pushed open the bottom of the box and started tearing off the perforated top. At this point I realized what she was doing. She wanted to use the box to view the performance - holding the empty box up to her eyes and peering through the bottom to the stage. It would block other peoples' views and when she turned to the left, she would hit unsuspecting Gray. So, I took it away and told her that she could have it at the end of the show. After each song (about 4 songs left) she would ask, in that voice that tried to be a whisper, but came out nearly a yell, if that was the last song. She was a complete ball of frustration, irritation with a smidgen of anger. At one point I told her that we would have to go outside and miss the rest of the show if she didn't stop asking about the end of the show or her box. Her response was..."Can I have my box if we leave?" UGH! And this, my friends, is Sadie. Where is that box, you might ask? Sitting on my desk (in the basement - see post 4/11, No Room in the Inn), untouched since we left the theater. I brought it in after seeing it had been discarded and forgotten in the car. Sigh.
Ah - my little perplexing and challenging and tenacious Sadie. I completely love you... wonderful, perfectly-made you!
Onto the show...I must be one of the few parents who is not well versed in the High School Musical saga or songs. I have not seen the movie. I can only liken its popularity to the movie of my generation...GREASE. Surprisingly, HSM is quite innocent in compared to the pregnancy scare and the innocent-turned-prostitute story line of GREASE. What were our parents thinking????
All in all, this performance of HSM was a great show with an incredible amount of talent. We all enjoyed it a lot. During the show, I looked over at Sadie who was absolutely glued to the performers (except for one incident referenced below). I thought - wow - she could be on that stage one day. She has such a pretty, velvety voice - prideful heart growing. What talent - she could be a star. And then...she made her best effort to clap to the songs along with the rest of the audience. I had no idea that some one could not hear the beat to a song as obviously as she didn't. Amazing. How can someone sing, in-tune, and then be completely void of rhythm, slapping hands together in such a spasmoid fashion? Isn't it supposed to be like Ebony and Ivory - side by side in perfect harmony? Prideful heart deflated and back to reality.
Ok - so when I try to describe my children to other people, it is tough to describe Sadie and her idiosyncrasies. Seriously, the child truly marches to the beat of her own drummer. This is where she became completely side-tracked at the show. We had popcorn in a typical red and white box - who knew they served this during the musical? Anyway, somewhere during middle of the second act, she finished up the box. She was frustrated by the end of the box because it was the foldable kind and she kept losing popcorn out of the bottom because she stuck her fingers through it. So, here is this empty popcorn box, normally placed on the floor of the theater and taken to the trash at the end of the show. Instead, Sadie begins to reconfigure the box into something useful. What could you possibly need at a community theater production? Why some sort of viewing device/binoculars! She pushed open the bottom of the box and started tearing off the perforated top. At this point I realized what she was doing. She wanted to use the box to view the performance - holding the empty box up to her eyes and peering through the bottom to the stage. It would block other peoples' views and when she turned to the left, she would hit unsuspecting Gray. So, I took it away and told her that she could have it at the end of the show. After each song (about 4 songs left) she would ask, in that voice that tried to be a whisper, but came out nearly a yell, if that was the last song. She was a complete ball of frustration, irritation with a smidgen of anger. At one point I told her that we would have to go outside and miss the rest of the show if she didn't stop asking about the end of the show or her box. Her response was..."Can I have my box if we leave?" UGH! And this, my friends, is Sadie. Where is that box, you might ask? Sitting on my desk (in the basement - see post 4/11, No Room in the Inn), untouched since we left the theater. I brought it in after seeing it had been discarded and forgotten in the car. Sigh.
Ah - my little perplexing and challenging and tenacious Sadie. I completely love you... wonderful, perfectly-made you!
Love infinity
Stillness, silence, a dark night that was suffocating. I was completely lost, but knew where I was. I drove home, alone, from saying goodbye to her for the last time. The road was lonely, I was empty. I don't know how I drove. My snapshot of that time in the early morning hours is like a tunnel, only able to remember what was right in front of me, the 5-lane road sending me home and nothing on the periphery. I made one phone call. A friend's voice on the other end. The same voice at the other end that was there for the first call I made when cancer invaded my life some 3 years prior. Just as she did three years ago, she wept with me. I had to fight down the sobs to even get breath to speak the news. I whimpered the words. The whimper ended with a new noise for me - a small moan that involuntarily slipped out whenever I exhaled in attempt to gather my composure. A moan that made its appearance with regularity over the next month. I knew I had to get off the phone or I would no longer be able to drive. I began to drive with force. I wanted my family. I wanted my husband. I wanted my home. I wanted the familiar because nothing about me was that any more.
I arrived with a heaviness that continued to sink me to deepest depths of sorrow and grief. I walked in the door. J met me and held me while I let out the deepest of cries and nearly collapsed on the floor of our kitchen.
We had a guest in our house that night. A college friend had spent the night with the expectation of going with me to visit her in the hospital. She had traveled from NY to be here. My walk up the stairs to guest room where she was getting ready was long. She had no idea I had left in the night and she didn't know that her initial purpose in coming was gone. I knocked on the door. She opened it, apologetic because she was not ready and it was our decided time to leave. She took one look at me and said, "What's wrong." I knew she had already figured it out by my pained expression and already swollen eyes. We held each other and cried. It was surreal that she was gone, but more surreal to tell someone who was not a part of my every day norm. No where in all of my imaginings, planning or preparations for this inevitable day was my friend a part of this initial stage. It was God's timing.
She stayed with me while J went to work to wrap up a couple of loose ends for what would be nearly a week off from work. I was exhausted, I was overcome but most interestingly, I was sick. So very sick that all I could do was throw up. I would make it to the toilet to wretch my digestive track up to my throat and back down again. Then, I would collapse on the bathroom floor mat out of weakness. I would wait until I gained enough strength to crawl back to my bed. I believe that out of all of God's blessings during this time, this was His greatest.
I know that has to be a very incredulous and unfathomable statement. I had just lost my only sibling, my best friend. Most people would say that God added insult to injury with this attack on my body. But here is a different perspective on the God I love. I had not experienced this level of vomiting since I was a child. My body screamed with aches that could only be equated with being bludgeoned. My eyes were so miserably sore that it felt like someone had kneaded them like dough. I was in a complete fog. I could not think. I could not process. I could not focus. Therefore, I could not begin to comprehend reality. God spared me the entire fullness of the loss. He gave it to me in small doses, in the smallest increments. He allowed me not to feel the enormity for hours, but only for minutes - the minutes when I stumbled back into reality between phases of my coma-like sleep. For innumerable phases during the past three years, I had exhausted much of my mental capacity on figuring out how I was going to exist those first 2-3 days after her death - to no avail.
He had. He knew. He spared me. He loved me to the point of my greatest need.
Trust the Lord with all your heart. Lean NOT on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
Amen.
I arrived with a heaviness that continued to sink me to deepest depths of sorrow and grief. I walked in the door. J met me and held me while I let out the deepest of cries and nearly collapsed on the floor of our kitchen.
We had a guest in our house that night. A college friend had spent the night with the expectation of going with me to visit her in the hospital. She had traveled from NY to be here. My walk up the stairs to guest room where she was getting ready was long. She had no idea I had left in the night and she didn't know that her initial purpose in coming was gone. I knocked on the door. She opened it, apologetic because she was not ready and it was our decided time to leave. She took one look at me and said, "What's wrong." I knew she had already figured it out by my pained expression and already swollen eyes. We held each other and cried. It was surreal that she was gone, but more surreal to tell someone who was not a part of my every day norm. No where in all of my imaginings, planning or preparations for this inevitable day was my friend a part of this initial stage. It was God's timing.
She stayed with me while J went to work to wrap up a couple of loose ends for what would be nearly a week off from work. I was exhausted, I was overcome but most interestingly, I was sick. So very sick that all I could do was throw up. I would make it to the toilet to wretch my digestive track up to my throat and back down again. Then, I would collapse on the bathroom floor mat out of weakness. I would wait until I gained enough strength to crawl back to my bed. I believe that out of all of God's blessings during this time, this was His greatest.
I know that has to be a very incredulous and unfathomable statement. I had just lost my only sibling, my best friend. Most people would say that God added insult to injury with this attack on my body. But here is a different perspective on the God I love. I had not experienced this level of vomiting since I was a child. My body screamed with aches that could only be equated with being bludgeoned. My eyes were so miserably sore that it felt like someone had kneaded them like dough. I was in a complete fog. I could not think. I could not process. I could not focus. Therefore, I could not begin to comprehend reality. God spared me the entire fullness of the loss. He gave it to me in small doses, in the smallest increments. He allowed me not to feel the enormity for hours, but only for minutes - the minutes when I stumbled back into reality between phases of my coma-like sleep. For innumerable phases during the past three years, I had exhausted much of my mental capacity on figuring out how I was going to exist those first 2-3 days after her death - to no avail.
He had. He knew. He spared me. He loved me to the point of my greatest need.
Trust the Lord with all your heart. Lean NOT on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
Amen.
My 6 Word Memoir
Yay! I have been tagged by Robin! Yippee! I have to come up with a 6-word memoir. My first instinct made for a somewhat negative response. I am going through some sort of emotional period. It is not because of THAT period, but it may be linked to being delegated to our basement (see April 11 post), stress from trying to learn our company's new software (so out of my element), or the worst possibility...I am starting "the change". Isn't it too early for me at 37, I mean 36?!?!? I have had some random hot moments, but only at night. Does that count? I found myself trying to shop in the juniors department at stores in hopes that it might somehow will my body to reverse course. It is all in your mind, right? Ridiculous.
In light of the above...here is my first attempt:
She bought juniors instead of seniors.
Doesn't really work. So, I look elsewhere in my life for other inspiration. Next thought was on my emotions. I cried and cried and cried yesterday because I though that ONE boy in Ethan's class was excluded from a birthday party to which all the other boys were invited. I understood from Ethan that he knew about the party and he asked the birthday party boy several times if he was going to get to go to it. His questions were simply ignored, according to Ethan. According to Ethan, the birthday boy told the other boys that everyone was invited except for this boy. I hope, with all of my heart, that this boy did not realize that everyone else had been invited. My heart hurt for him and his mother, who might have had to comfort him. To make matters worse, all I could visualize was this little boy, the only boy, waiting to be picked up while all the other boys traipsed off for a classmate's party. I couldn't believe the parents would allow such a thing. I cried on and off last night over this issue. BUT WAIT! I did some investigating and found out today that the boy WAS in fact invited and just couldn't go. I am a little confused, but I have to trust the information from the teacher.
Based on that, here is memoir #2:
She cried buckets for no reason.
Ok - so that is not really an accurate portrayal of me over a lifetime. I am less a cryer and more of a solver. This leads me to ... my relationship with God at the moment. I am going through a lot of change in my life (see ALL of the above). My life's snapshot is always that of a tug of war between letting go and letting God. I am such a control person - maybe not so much wanting to control it all, but wanting to be knowledgeable of the future and security. Therefore, when I say I look to my relationship with God "at the moment," it really is a lifelong issue for me. When does God ask me to play a role and when I am I to sit quietly by, waiting for Him?
Based on that, here is my final and probably most accurate memoir:
She desires release and wants God.
In light of the above...here is my first attempt:
She bought juniors instead of seniors.
Doesn't really work. So, I look elsewhere in my life for other inspiration. Next thought was on my emotions. I cried and cried and cried yesterday because I though that ONE boy in Ethan's class was excluded from a birthday party to which all the other boys were invited. I understood from Ethan that he knew about the party and he asked the birthday party boy several times if he was going to get to go to it. His questions were simply ignored, according to Ethan. According to Ethan, the birthday boy told the other boys that everyone was invited except for this boy. I hope, with all of my heart, that this boy did not realize that everyone else had been invited. My heart hurt for him and his mother, who might have had to comfort him. To make matters worse, all I could visualize was this little boy, the only boy, waiting to be picked up while all the other boys traipsed off for a classmate's party. I couldn't believe the parents would allow such a thing. I cried on and off last night over this issue. BUT WAIT! I did some investigating and found out today that the boy WAS in fact invited and just couldn't go. I am a little confused, but I have to trust the information from the teacher.
Based on that, here is memoir #2:
She cried buckets for no reason.
Ok - so that is not really an accurate portrayal of me over a lifetime. I am less a cryer and more of a solver. This leads me to ... my relationship with God at the moment. I am going through a lot of change in my life (see ALL of the above). My life's snapshot is always that of a tug of war between letting go and letting God. I am such a control person - maybe not so much wanting to control it all, but wanting to be knowledgeable of the future and security. Therefore, when I say I look to my relationship with God "at the moment," it really is a lifelong issue for me. When does God ask me to play a role and when I am I to sit quietly by, waiting for Him?
Based on that, here is my final and probably most accurate memoir:
She desires release and wants God.
Friday, April 11, 2008
No Room in the Inn
It is that time of year - that twice a year event that happens in our town, the "Furniture Capital of the World." A place where, "All the World Buys Here," to coin another one of their slogans. Or, the latest, "The World's Home for Home Furnishings" - how clever. This town has been my home for all but a few scant years so it almost is a measure of time for me. "I think I saw them a couple of furniture markets ago", etc. People in this area don't plan weddings or other events during the months of April or OCtobe because every space, caterer, and florist is tied up with serving this industry.
I was tied to this town because my father is a furniture designer - soon to retire. I spent time in showrooms as a young child while my dad feverishly put last minute hardware on casegoods (layman's term - wood furniture) in preparation for opening day. During high school I worked at the priciest and consequently, the "place to be seen" restaurant in High Point. This restaurant actually had career waiters who made about 50% of their yearly income at these two markets. My first couple of "career' jobs were also in the industry - one of the industry's largest and most known manufacturers followed by a stint at THE industry publication. So, to say that I am the expert of the High Point market may be a little exaggerated, but I do feel that I can say we are acquaintances.
Over the past couple of years, my relationship with the market has now been reduced to "landlord." Yes, we do what a medium percentage of High Pointers do during market - we rent our house. This is such a foreign concept for people who have never lived here - "You mean you rent your house to COMPLETE strangers?" "I could never do that!" "I couldn't stand having someone rifle through my things."
PEOPLE! Oh yes you would! You would if you got $5-7,000 of tax-free money for about 20 days out of the year. You would sell yourself to whomever wanted to lay their head down on "your" pillow. You would buy new linens, paint whole rooms, clean out closets and drawers, get your windows washed, wipe down your tooth brush holder, scrub your sink with vinegar and a toothbrush, even buy bottled water and fruit baskets to have "complete strangers" roll out the big bucks and become repeat customers.
You will search high and low for the ultimate destination for your family while these "complete strangers" sleep comfortably in "your" bed. You will farm family members here and there, scattered like dice on a craps table. You will go on Disney vacations (spending your market rental money in one quick swoop), you will call up old friends to visit in far away towns, you will leech off coworkers, you hole up in your basement like a bunch of mole people who shush their children until they begin to scream HUSH, you will even camp at the local swampground, I mean, campground during the first rain events to happen in three months. During this stay in waterworld, your child might ingest your husband's heart medication which has not lockable/unreachable location in the camper. This requires a trip to the emergency room and an admittance for three days. Ironically, it results in the best sleep you will experience in comparison to the camper while "complete strangers" sleep in "your" bed.
So, here I sit...in my basement. Day 6 of 10. We are fortunate. We have great renters who have been with us for the 5th market. They are very kind, very clean and very appreciative of my OCD cleaning tenancies.
However, I liken the entire process to pregnancy and birth. The first time, you don't know what to expect. You clean like a woman possessed. You spend a month cleaning every crack and crevice of your home - wiping down walls, every light fixture, cleaning out the pantry and refrigerator, making innumerable trips to good will., even resorting to vacuuming the tops of door frames that you realize were never painted because they are NEVER SEEN! Your due date, I mean, the check-in date of your market guests arrives and running out of time you leave your kids strapped in your running car for two more hours watching a movie while you scramble to finish the "final clean" which two hours ago you thought would only take "another 30 minutes." You leave, exhausted, beaten, with hands so parched from cleaners and water that no amount of lotion or paraffin wax can resuscitate them. Your car is loaded with everything you think you might need for another 10 days and you head to whatever temporary shelter you have arranged. The market guests are born, I mean, they have arrived. You spend the next 10 days trying to figure out your new schedule, your new temporary home. You try NOT to feed your kids fast food every meal and get them in bed before 10 all the while realizing that it is national testing week and you forgot their library books. Just like with a newborn, you are juggling it all and getting not one ounce of sleep. You stress, you cry, your whole self is on edge as you try to maintain the schedule you had before the "arrival. You remember your house as you left it - so clean you could run your tongue along the front door handle and have not one smidge of petri dish nightmare on it - just like reminiscing of your life prior to the your newborn.
You round the bend, you are heading into home (literally). You walk in the door to your home which smells like "complete strangers" who have been sleeping in "your" bed. You unpack. Not only do you unpack the 10 day supply of items you took initially, but you return all the things you picked up on subsequent trips back to the house to clean (extra socks, books for the kids, sunscreen, heavier coats, a random pot, canned goods that were never opened the last market).
Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention becoming a hotel maid? Yeah. Nothing like cleaning up after "complete strangers"who are sleeping on "your" bed. Washing your sheets they have slept on, cleaning your toilet they have...well, you know. "Complete strangers" who have intimate knowledge about your clothing, toiletries and food habits. They may even, suck in all the air in the room, decide they don't like how you have decorated and make a few changes of their own.
You sit down in your clean house (after you have cleaned it upon your return so you can live in it again). For a brief moment, all seems well. Translates: Your baby is sleeping, content with milk, smiling in his sleep. And you are there to capture it all.
Maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe, just maybe, you will have another child - Oops, I mean, try renting again, to "complete strangers" sleeping in "your" bed.
DISCLAIMER: Some, but not ALL, of the examples listed have been my experience. They have been told to me by other "landlords."
I was tied to this town because my father is a furniture designer - soon to retire. I spent time in showrooms as a young child while my dad feverishly put last minute hardware on casegoods (layman's term - wood furniture) in preparation for opening day. During high school I worked at the priciest and consequently, the "place to be seen" restaurant in High Point. This restaurant actually had career waiters who made about 50% of their yearly income at these two markets. My first couple of "career' jobs were also in the industry - one of the industry's largest and most known manufacturers followed by a stint at THE industry publication. So, to say that I am the expert of the High Point market may be a little exaggerated, but I do feel that I can say we are acquaintances.
Over the past couple of years, my relationship with the market has now been reduced to "landlord." Yes, we do what a medium percentage of High Pointers do during market - we rent our house. This is such a foreign concept for people who have never lived here - "You mean you rent your house to COMPLETE strangers?" "I could never do that!" "I couldn't stand having someone rifle through my things."
PEOPLE! Oh yes you would! You would if you got $5-7,000 of tax-free money for about 20 days out of the year. You would sell yourself to whomever wanted to lay their head down on "your" pillow. You would buy new linens, paint whole rooms, clean out closets and drawers, get your windows washed, wipe down your tooth brush holder, scrub your sink with vinegar and a toothbrush, even buy bottled water and fruit baskets to have "complete strangers" roll out the big bucks and become repeat customers.
You will search high and low for the ultimate destination for your family while these "complete strangers" sleep comfortably in "your" bed. You will farm family members here and there, scattered like dice on a craps table. You will go on Disney vacations (spending your market rental money in one quick swoop), you will call up old friends to visit in far away towns, you will leech off coworkers, you hole up in your basement like a bunch of mole people who shush their children until they begin to scream HUSH, you will even camp at the local swampground, I mean, campground during the first rain events to happen in three months. During this stay in waterworld, your child might ingest your husband's heart medication which has not lockable/unreachable location in the camper. This requires a trip to the emergency room and an admittance for three days. Ironically, it results in the best sleep you will experience in comparison to the camper while "complete strangers" sleep in "your" bed.
So, here I sit...in my basement. Day 6 of 10. We are fortunate. We have great renters who have been with us for the 5th market. They are very kind, very clean and very appreciative of my OCD cleaning tenancies.
However, I liken the entire process to pregnancy and birth. The first time, you don't know what to expect. You clean like a woman possessed. You spend a month cleaning every crack and crevice of your home - wiping down walls, every light fixture, cleaning out the pantry and refrigerator, making innumerable trips to good will., even resorting to vacuuming the tops of door frames that you realize were never painted because they are NEVER SEEN! Your due date, I mean, the check-in date of your market guests arrives and running out of time you leave your kids strapped in your running car for two more hours watching a movie while you scramble to finish the "final clean" which two hours ago you thought would only take "another 30 minutes." You leave, exhausted, beaten, with hands so parched from cleaners and water that no amount of lotion or paraffin wax can resuscitate them. Your car is loaded with everything you think you might need for another 10 days and you head to whatever temporary shelter you have arranged. The market guests are born, I mean, they have arrived. You spend the next 10 days trying to figure out your new schedule, your new temporary home. You try NOT to feed your kids fast food every meal and get them in bed before 10 all the while realizing that it is national testing week and you forgot their library books. Just like with a newborn, you are juggling it all and getting not one ounce of sleep. You stress, you cry, your whole self is on edge as you try to maintain the schedule you had before the "arrival. You remember your house as you left it - so clean you could run your tongue along the front door handle and have not one smidge of petri dish nightmare on it - just like reminiscing of your life prior to the your newborn.
You round the bend, you are heading into home (literally). You walk in the door to your home which smells like "complete strangers" who have been sleeping in "your" bed. You unpack. Not only do you unpack the 10 day supply of items you took initially, but you return all the things you picked up on subsequent trips back to the house to clean (extra socks, books for the kids, sunscreen, heavier coats, a random pot, canned goods that were never opened the last market).
Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention becoming a hotel maid? Yeah. Nothing like cleaning up after "complete strangers"who are sleeping on "your" bed. Washing your sheets they have slept on, cleaning your toilet they have...well, you know. "Complete strangers" who have intimate knowledge about your clothing, toiletries and food habits. They may even, suck in all the air in the room, decide they don't like how you have decorated and make a few changes of their own.
You sit down in your clean house (after you have cleaned it upon your return so you can live in it again). For a brief moment, all seems well. Translates: Your baby is sleeping, content with milk, smiling in his sleep. And you are there to capture it all.
Maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe, just maybe, you will have another child - Oops, I mean, try renting again, to "complete strangers" sleeping in "your" bed.
DISCLAIMER: Some, but not ALL, of the examples listed have been my experience. They have been told to me by other "landlords."
Monday, April 07, 2008
Monday, April 7 2008
Sadie was at the table in the basement today. She told me she wanted to color. I was washing dishes and she began to work. She finished her drawing and said, "Do you like my picture of Mamie?" I looked, amazed that she was the focus of her drawing today. It was sweet, smiling face with brown curly hair. Very Mamie. I asked Sadie what she remembered about Mamie. She said that she remembered her smiling. And, Sadie said that she could talk to her all the time because she is with her, in her heart. Sadie asked a few questions about the geography of heaven, if we sent balloons there, if you go up in space are you there, etc. Regardless, of my answer, I could see in her eyes that she believes with all her heart that heaven is real, and most importantly she wants to go there without any reservation.
Lily told me today that she was playing with "engine" turtles (instead of ninja turtles). We sat at the piano and played a bit today. I actually tried to teach her how to play a few notes of Heart & Soul. What was I thinking - she is 3 for crying out loud. Anyway, while I played she sat beside me and leaned in putting her head against my arm. What a sweet little moment between the two of us.
Ethan told me he had a good God moment today. Someone called someone else in the class a "butt cracker". Actually, it was whispered into his ear on the way back from the playground. Not totally sure what that means exactly, but anyway, I asked what he did. Ethan said that he told him to stop that it would hurt the other boy's feelings. Yay, Ethan.
So, I am trying to keep a list of things that I worry (not sinful-keep-me-awake-at-night worry, but just fleeting-should-I-be-concerned worry) about because I don't know how they work... OR something along those lines. I'll figure out the category as I go along because I am not sure all the things that infiltrate that area of my brain.
Issue #1: I worry about setting the house on fire when I dim the lights to their lowest point. I don't know why, but it seems to me that it would short them out or frazzle them or something. Maybe it is because I really don't trust the electrical in this house. Certainly it is not because I don't know everything there is about domestic electrical wiring - HA HA!
And, finally, if a certain person reading this blog DARES to show up at my house for any fun event with electrical wires or a manual or anything - I will find ways to use bananas.
Lily told me today that she was playing with "engine" turtles (instead of ninja turtles). We sat at the piano and played a bit today. I actually tried to teach her how to play a few notes of Heart & Soul. What was I thinking - she is 3 for crying out loud. Anyway, while I played she sat beside me and leaned in putting her head against my arm. What a sweet little moment between the two of us.
Ethan told me he had a good God moment today. Someone called someone else in the class a "butt cracker". Actually, it was whispered into his ear on the way back from the playground. Not totally sure what that means exactly, but anyway, I asked what he did. Ethan said that he told him to stop that it would hurt the other boy's feelings. Yay, Ethan.
So, I am trying to keep a list of things that I worry (not sinful-keep-me-awake-at-night worry, but just fleeting-should-I-be-concerned worry) about because I don't know how they work... OR something along those lines. I'll figure out the category as I go along because I am not sure all the things that infiltrate that area of my brain.
Issue #1: I worry about setting the house on fire when I dim the lights to their lowest point. I don't know why, but it seems to me that it would short them out or frazzle them or something. Maybe it is because I really don't trust the electrical in this house. Certainly it is not because I don't know everything there is about domestic electrical wiring - HA HA!
And, finally, if a certain person reading this blog DARES to show up at my house for any fun event with electrical wires or a manual or anything - I will find ways to use bananas.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Conversation told to me by Sadie's teacher - Miss Adkins
Setting: Chapel - Mr. P was talking about needing the key to heaven - Jesus
Sadie tapped on Miss Adkins arm, looked up at her and said, "My aunt had the key to heaven."
A sweet and special little moment - a look inside her heart.
Today Sadie said she was going outside so she could spend some time talking to God and Mamie. :)
Conversation told to me by Tina B:
Last night we had small group. Lily was playing outside with the other kids. When it was time to come in, Tina B told them they all had to wash their hands. Lily licked both of her hands and declared, "all clean!" UGH and YUCK! Where in the world did she get THAT idea?!?!?
Ethan this morning - Mom, you are the best mom ever, in the world. Not sure what I did to deserve that comment as it was their Dad who got up early and fixed them pancakes from scratch!!! Oh well, I'll take it, save it for a lousy day!
My children are all so very different. I love it! Thank you God. I think that it will really help any jealousy or competition between them as they will excel in all different areas.
Ethan - could be a philosopher, a theologian, a writer
Sadie - professional athlete, artist, possible scientist
Lily - public speaker, leader (i.e. dictator), mathematician
I will have fun looking back on this when they get older and see what God has in their lives!
Dad is taking the 5 grandchildren to the movies today- I am in total shock! It is the first time and I pray that mine will be great listeners and mannerly. He won't do it again if they don't -no pressure or anything!
Easter tomorrow - praise for Jesus - my heart is full - and I want to fall down on the floor for all he has done for me. We got our first offer of equipment today - and we don't open until May1. The customer is willing to wait until then. PRAISE - PRAISE - PRAISE. God's blessing on our lives is so incredible and I am so undeserving of it. May I use it how He wants me to.
Setting: Chapel - Mr. P was talking about needing the key to heaven - Jesus
Sadie tapped on Miss Adkins arm, looked up at her and said, "My aunt had the key to heaven."
A sweet and special little moment - a look inside her heart.
Today Sadie said she was going outside so she could spend some time talking to God and Mamie. :)
Conversation told to me by Tina B:
Last night we had small group. Lily was playing outside with the other kids. When it was time to come in, Tina B told them they all had to wash their hands. Lily licked both of her hands and declared, "all clean!" UGH and YUCK! Where in the world did she get THAT idea?!?!?
Ethan this morning - Mom, you are the best mom ever, in the world. Not sure what I did to deserve that comment as it was their Dad who got up early and fixed them pancakes from scratch!!! Oh well, I'll take it, save it for a lousy day!
My children are all so very different. I love it! Thank you God. I think that it will really help any jealousy or competition between them as they will excel in all different areas.
Ethan - could be a philosopher, a theologian, a writer
Sadie - professional athlete, artist, possible scientist
Lily - public speaker, leader (i.e. dictator), mathematician
I will have fun looking back on this when they get older and see what God has in their lives!
Dad is taking the 5 grandchildren to the movies today- I am in total shock! It is the first time and I pray that mine will be great listeners and mannerly. He won't do it again if they don't -no pressure or anything!
Easter tomorrow - praise for Jesus - my heart is full - and I want to fall down on the floor for all he has done for me. We got our first offer of equipment today - and we don't open until May1. The customer is willing to wait until then. PRAISE - PRAISE - PRAISE. God's blessing on our lives is so incredible and I am so undeserving of it. May I use it how He wants me to.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Happy St. P Day! Actually, I could care less about it - I mean, I am not Irish - so why should I participate. I forgot to tell the kids. Sadie was spared the obligatory pinching, but Ethan was not so lucky. He was a little perturbed at me. Oops! I told him I would try to remember next year.
Lily was her usual bossy little self today. I found myself being the patient to her doctor late this morning. I was laying on her floor as she poked, prodded and gagged me. It was delightful. I got the biggest kick out of realizing that underneath her doctor smock, she had on no panties. As she bent over to shove the thermometer in my mouth, I was a little startled and started laughing. I couldn't help it - I had forgotten to get her a new pair right after she went potty - obviously, she didn't care.
We dyed Easter eggs Saturday night. What fun! It was nice to only have that overwhelming feeling right at the start - everyone excited, materials not quite ready, hands reaching and grabbing, boiled eggs being held too tightly or dropped on the table, etc. Everyone settled down and got busy. Even Lily took her time and enjoyed it. We all got 4 eggs - Jay did 2. Sunday, I made egg salad which no one will probably eat! Sadie liked dying the tops and bottoms different colors. Ethan liked writing things on his eggs. Lily liked using the q-tips and coloring her egg with it - made an attempt at writing her name, too. We had an egg hunt at church after KidsStuff - They LOVED it. It was great - no one grabbed, no one panicked and even Lily loved it. All day today she was opening up her eggs to reveal the hidden treasures. I can't imagine how much candy she actually consumed!
We had family time dinner tonight- the kids ate like little piglets. They kept thanking me for the dinner which made me feel so good. Sadie's has really started turning out the prayers - really heart-felt stuff. It makes me feel that she is growing in her faith. It is great. She told Lily that she needed to be nice to people or else they wouldn't want to be her friend. Maybe some of this is becoming apparent to her (Sadie) - realized, known, and most importantly experienced. She surprised me greatly this weekend on two occasions - she really thought about someone else before herself. It was great to witness. I took her aside on Saturday and spent some special time with just her, telling her how proud I was of her - how I could see her changes and effort. She beamed. We took a great little snuggly nap together. So sweet. She has wanted me to fix her hair lately - pigtails. Another wonderful event because it shows that she wants to present herself as maybe a little more polished. I want to be careful to not to promote beauty, but promote taking care of yourself.
And, maybe most interesting...she ROCKED on Saturday at the last Upwards basketball game. I couldn't believe the improvement. First, I was talking with another mom and I started hearing parents cheering - someone said, "Go Sadie!" I looked up and there she was hovering over Hunter Gines (a boy in her class). She would not let him get past her with the ball - she was all over him. It was a shining moment in what I could see could be a long career in sports. She continued to play strong defense and attempted to make 4 baskets, made several assists ALL while being the ONLY girl on the floor. At the after game meeting, Coach Blackburn told Sadie it was THE play of the season! She got the Christ-like award and the defensive player award. WAY TO GO SADIE! You are fearless!
As I write this about her, my heart is so heavy. Painful - pity - I don't know how else to describe my feelings about Gray. There is a little girl whose years are lost - the days are not marked with milestones. No one is writing down her accomplishments. No one is teaching her about finding her worth in Christ. No one is giving her the attention in her life that makes her feel secure or helps her to know that she is so incredibly loved. Well, at least no one in her immediate zone. I don't know how to help them. I don't know how to save them. I wish more than anything that their situation were different. My God - why do you allow this to happen to your children. I know the answer, God, I do. I trust that You will bring them out of this, that these experiences will bring them to a deeper reliance on You.
My heart is no longer filled with anger or bitterness. Instead it is pity and sorrow. The brokenness that is sure to come will be heavy and painful. I brace myself for it as I know that those around will feel the affects.
I must move on.
Sunday, Lily had her hair in braids - so incredibly cute with those glasses. She had on a dress with a red cardigan, white socks and red Mary Janes. She just be-bopped herself around showing off her braids (which were quite long). I could have just GOBBLED her up. When we arrived at KidsStuff- she just RAN into the show and started dancing, jumping and singing. Everyone around me (Debbie Cooper and Beth) just started laughing - we couldn't help it - it was just so darn CUTE!
Ethan had a great long weekend. He went to the barn to work on Thurs afternoon. I think he is itching to ride - maybe this week. He spent Friday morning with the Silver's at Peyton Fowler's grandfather's farm. He played hard - riding bikes, playing with a donkey and all sorts of other things. Then, Colby came over. They had such a SWEET time together. I love watching them play. They made a fort in the front circle - complete with tarp, sticks, blanket and Ethan said, an Activity Center. Colby even wrote down some rules (horribly misspelled, but readable). At one point I saw them with their shirts off on the trampoline. I just wish they had more time like that together. They played Star Wars Lego, checked out some I Spy books together...Ethan was in heaven.
Lily was her usual bossy little self today. I found myself being the patient to her doctor late this morning. I was laying on her floor as she poked, prodded and gagged me. It was delightful. I got the biggest kick out of realizing that underneath her doctor smock, she had on no panties. As she bent over to shove the thermometer in my mouth, I was a little startled and started laughing. I couldn't help it - I had forgotten to get her a new pair right after she went potty - obviously, she didn't care.
We dyed Easter eggs Saturday night. What fun! It was nice to only have that overwhelming feeling right at the start - everyone excited, materials not quite ready, hands reaching and grabbing, boiled eggs being held too tightly or dropped on the table, etc. Everyone settled down and got busy. Even Lily took her time and enjoyed it. We all got 4 eggs - Jay did 2. Sunday, I made egg salad which no one will probably eat! Sadie liked dying the tops and bottoms different colors. Ethan liked writing things on his eggs. Lily liked using the q-tips and coloring her egg with it - made an attempt at writing her name, too. We had an egg hunt at church after KidsStuff - They LOVED it. It was great - no one grabbed, no one panicked and even Lily loved it. All day today she was opening up her eggs to reveal the hidden treasures. I can't imagine how much candy she actually consumed!
We had family time dinner tonight- the kids ate like little piglets. They kept thanking me for the dinner which made me feel so good. Sadie's has really started turning out the prayers - really heart-felt stuff. It makes me feel that she is growing in her faith. It is great. She told Lily that she needed to be nice to people or else they wouldn't want to be her friend. Maybe some of this is becoming apparent to her (Sadie) - realized, known, and most importantly experienced. She surprised me greatly this weekend on two occasions - she really thought about someone else before herself. It was great to witness. I took her aside on Saturday and spent some special time with just her, telling her how proud I was of her - how I could see her changes and effort. She beamed. We took a great little snuggly nap together. So sweet. She has wanted me to fix her hair lately - pigtails. Another wonderful event because it shows that she wants to present herself as maybe a little more polished. I want to be careful to not to promote beauty, but promote taking care of yourself.
And, maybe most interesting...she ROCKED on Saturday at the last Upwards basketball game. I couldn't believe the improvement. First, I was talking with another mom and I started hearing parents cheering - someone said, "Go Sadie!" I looked up and there she was hovering over Hunter Gines (a boy in her class). She would not let him get past her with the ball - she was all over him. It was a shining moment in what I could see could be a long career in sports. She continued to play strong defense and attempted to make 4 baskets, made several assists ALL while being the ONLY girl on the floor. At the after game meeting, Coach Blackburn told Sadie it was THE play of the season! She got the Christ-like award and the defensive player award. WAY TO GO SADIE! You are fearless!
As I write this about her, my heart is so heavy. Painful - pity - I don't know how else to describe my feelings about Gray. There is a little girl whose years are lost - the days are not marked with milestones. No one is writing down her accomplishments. No one is teaching her about finding her worth in Christ. No one is giving her the attention in her life that makes her feel secure or helps her to know that she is so incredibly loved. Well, at least no one in her immediate zone. I don't know how to help them. I don't know how to save them. I wish more than anything that their situation were different. My God - why do you allow this to happen to your children. I know the answer, God, I do. I trust that You will bring them out of this, that these experiences will bring them to a deeper reliance on You.
My heart is no longer filled with anger or bitterness. Instead it is pity and sorrow. The brokenness that is sure to come will be heavy and painful. I brace myself for it as I know that those around will feel the affects.
I must move on.
Sunday, Lily had her hair in braids - so incredibly cute with those glasses. She had on a dress with a red cardigan, white socks and red Mary Janes. She just be-bopped herself around showing off her braids (which were quite long). I could have just GOBBLED her up. When we arrived at KidsStuff- she just RAN into the show and started dancing, jumping and singing. Everyone around me (Debbie Cooper and Beth) just started laughing - we couldn't help it - it was just so darn CUTE!
Ethan had a great long weekend. He went to the barn to work on Thurs afternoon. I think he is itching to ride - maybe this week. He spent Friday morning with the Silver's at Peyton Fowler's grandfather's farm. He played hard - riding bikes, playing with a donkey and all sorts of other things. Then, Colby came over. They had such a SWEET time together. I love watching them play. They made a fort in the front circle - complete with tarp, sticks, blanket and Ethan said, an Activity Center. Colby even wrote down some rules (horribly misspelled, but readable). At one point I saw them with their shirts off on the trampoline. I just wish they had more time like that together. They played Star Wars Lego, checked out some I Spy books together...Ethan was in heaven.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Lily:
Accomodating Esotropia - new glasses, doing well - surgery still possible.
Needs to help mom "Brush" the potato crumbs out of the bed - which she can't do because she doesn't have a brush
Sadie:
Throwing away school work - the devastating revelation that her mean mommy does
Crushed at having to leave the puppies when Bobo was nearly attacked by momma dog - she hated Bobo at that moment
Ethan:
Sweet, sweet older brother to Lily - caters to her, loves her, likes for her to sleep with him - without bringing to his bed "beep beep or sound toys" as he has taught her to say
Feeling a little sicky today - sore throat - handling it quite well.
The end of an era - the revolving door of pets in the Dumoulin household. Over the past three years, we have had:
1 dog
2 cats
3 puppies (sweetie, and two other found puppies)
4 love birds
2 hermit crabs - one of which made trip to church in Sadie's underwear and then, forgotten, spent time in my car
Not pets, but found three wild birds in the house, one baby squirrel and a bat
2 field mice - one found in car, one found in pantry and then lost in my car, then caught in my car, then clubbed to death by Sadie.
Now - we have:
1 dog - Bobo - who we started with and will end with. NO MORE PETS! I can't take it and will not suffer through any more tears from my children. As I write this, the children have not noticed that the birds have been gone for over a week. That pretty much says it all - who took care of the pets, who loved them. Actually, it is probably not their tears I am tired of, it is mine. The only thing I take care of worse...houseplants. We have one, a peace lily, which has been here since Ansley's death. That would be a record. Only Bobo beats it (and he only has one eye).
Pathetic.
Accomodating Esotropia - new glasses, doing well - surgery still possible.
Needs to help mom "Brush" the potato crumbs out of the bed - which she can't do because she doesn't have a brush
Sadie:
Throwing away school work - the devastating revelation that her mean mommy does
Crushed at having to leave the puppies when Bobo was nearly attacked by momma dog - she hated Bobo at that moment
Ethan:
Sweet, sweet older brother to Lily - caters to her, loves her, likes for her to sleep with him - without bringing to his bed "beep beep or sound toys" as he has taught her to say
Feeling a little sicky today - sore throat - handling it quite well.
The end of an era - the revolving door of pets in the Dumoulin household. Over the past three years, we have had:
1 dog
2 cats
3 puppies (sweetie, and two other found puppies)
4 love birds
2 hermit crabs - one of which made trip to church in Sadie's underwear and then, forgotten, spent time in my car
Not pets, but found three wild birds in the house, one baby squirrel and a bat
2 field mice - one found in car, one found in pantry and then lost in my car, then caught in my car, then clubbed to death by Sadie.
Now - we have:
1 dog - Bobo - who we started with and will end with. NO MORE PETS! I can't take it and will not suffer through any more tears from my children. As I write this, the children have not noticed that the birds have been gone for over a week. That pretty much says it all - who took care of the pets, who loved them. Actually, it is probably not their tears I am tired of, it is mine. The only thing I take care of worse...houseplants. We have one, a peace lily, which has been here since Ansley's death. That would be a record. Only Bobo beats it (and he only has one eye).
Pathetic.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2007 journal list
Things you love that I don’t:
Ethan:
Video Games
Fish
Beanie Weanies
Sadie:
A mess
Sleeping on top of covers
Hair that is styled all your own
Things that are uniquely you – that fascinate me:
Ethan:
Likes ears
Ability to remember from long ago
Dream up lego creatures
Deep thoughts about God
Wonderful singer
Space Cadet moments, totally in your own world
Sadie:
Sleeping on top of covers
Always sweating when sleeping
Ability to cut perfectly even tiny details
Dancing like no one is watching in your own Elaine-esque way
Loving all of God’s creation, especially animals
Can paint your toenails with precision at 6
Lily:
Your little gallop-run
Your eyes that wander
Hair with beautiful natural high-lights
Ability to laugh at absolutely nothing- just random acts of giggle
Your increasing southern drawl
Playing with a group of little things - you will talk to them, let them interact and make up your own little story - all by yourself, regardless of who is around.
Things that trouble me:
Ethan:
Ability to let others take the punishment for you
Concern about how others see you
Believing you know better than I do
Sadie:
Manipulative
Mean
Lily:
Sneaky
Things we are working on:
Ethan:
Trust
Self-worth in God
Anger
Sadie:
Kindness
Self-Control
Lily:
Obedience
Listening
Ethan:
Video Games
Fish
Beanie Weanies
Sadie:
A mess
Sleeping on top of covers
Hair that is styled all your own
Things that are uniquely you – that fascinate me:
Ethan:
Likes ears
Ability to remember from long ago
Dream up lego creatures
Deep thoughts about God
Wonderful singer
Space Cadet moments, totally in your own world
Sadie:
Sleeping on top of covers
Always sweating when sleeping
Ability to cut perfectly even tiny details
Dancing like no one is watching in your own Elaine-esque way
Loving all of God’s creation, especially animals
Can paint your toenails with precision at 6
Lily:
Your little gallop-run
Your eyes that wander
Hair with beautiful natural high-lights
Ability to laugh at absolutely nothing- just random acts of giggle
Your increasing southern drawl
Playing with a group of little things - you will talk to them, let them interact and make up your own little story - all by yourself, regardless of who is around.
Things that trouble me:
Ethan:
Ability to let others take the punishment for you
Concern about how others see you
Believing you know better than I do
Sadie:
Manipulative
Mean
Lily:
Sneaky
Things we are working on:
Ethan:
Trust
Self-worth in God
Anger
Sadie:
Kindness
Self-Control
Lily:
Obedience
Listening
Tuesday, February 19, 2007
So, there was no decided fate (see yesterday's part 2 blog). Instead, I got the - you need to change, stop yelling, end of story. No helpful hints, no teamwork, no encouragement, no prayers...NOTH - ING. Very frustrating. SO that furstration built over night, unbeknownst to me and grew into a yuck ball of "I hate everything, but mostly you, J." Great. Lost it again on my way out the door to pick up Lily. Emotions so out of control - anger so deep that I nearly drove away, never to come back again. I am so tired of life out of my control. Such a deep seeded issue for me that I don't know if it will ever be in the light and completely over. I hate this cycle and spent the better part of the drive calculating my next move and wondering to God why this keeps happening. The best part of the day was that I was stuck at Wal-Mart for 2.5 hours. Why, might you ask, is this the best part? I was waiting for a prescription transfer which takes some time. This allowed me to shop at my LEISURE - because I couldn't go anywhere else. How nice to spend as much time as I wanted walking the aisle...AND THEN... I saw it. John Rosemond's latest book on Parenting. I simply read the best part right there in the book section while my frozen chicken breasts were slowly defrosting. I got some great tips on how to get them to do the simple things, the simple tasks like putting clothes in the hamper. So, I picked up the kids from school and away we went home with my new plan and ideas prepared. Did it work? YES - in that the were receptive and not at all rebellious or whiney with the punishment which was quite severe for the act. Did they come out of their rooms with a new attitude - YES! Will it last? I sure hope so!!!! I will stay diligent in this new offensive against whiny, bas attitudes and apathy!!! Oh, and it probably didn't hurt that I found a fabulous pair of cropped stylishly dark jean pants for only $5! Whoo-hoo!
Monday, February 18, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008 part 2
To my wonderful, darling children,
I am sorry. I am sorry that I completely lost my temper this morning. I am sorry that I do not know how to teach you to listen to me, to obey me, to want to help me. Instead, I resort to yelling, loudly, to get your attention and to let you know just how fed up I am. Do I expect too much of you - to keep your rooms clean? Have I let the routine of having a clean room at night slip through our fingers? How do I get you to put your clothes in the hamper? How do I teach you to slow down durng your school work (life) so that all that studying isn't wasted over a loss of 5 points because you forgot to write your name on your paper (wasted on the unimportant)? Have I lost sight of the respect that I (God) should get from my children (me)? Do you trust me? Do you know why I am trying to teach you and train you? Do you understand my frustration over your selfishness, your inability to look past your own desires? Isn't this all for your benefit? Could this be a letter written from God to me? Hmmm...
I lost it this morning over the fact that both children had playdates coming and their rooms had clothing, toys, etc. all over them. Now, should it really matter? Well, yes, because they couldn't really play in their rooms with anything because of the mess. Not to mention that their dad was supposedly on top of them last night to get it down.
It is very obvious to me that we need some new ground rules for Ethan and his attitude when he is out of control and disrespectful. I think I will go grab Jay to have a meeting to decide his fate.
I am sorry. I am sorry that I completely lost my temper this morning. I am sorry that I do not know how to teach you to listen to me, to obey me, to want to help me. Instead, I resort to yelling, loudly, to get your attention and to let you know just how fed up I am. Do I expect too much of you - to keep your rooms clean? Have I let the routine of having a clean room at night slip through our fingers? How do I get you to put your clothes in the hamper? How do I teach you to slow down durng your school work (life) so that all that studying isn't wasted over a loss of 5 points because you forgot to write your name on your paper (wasted on the unimportant)? Have I lost sight of the respect that I (God) should get from my children (me)? Do you trust me? Do you know why I am trying to teach you and train you? Do you understand my frustration over your selfishness, your inability to look past your own desires? Isn't this all for your benefit? Could this be a letter written from God to me? Hmmm...
I lost it this morning over the fact that both children had playdates coming and their rooms had clothing, toys, etc. all over them. Now, should it really matter? Well, yes, because they couldn't really play in their rooms with anything because of the mess. Not to mention that their dad was supposedly on top of them last night to get it down.
It is very obvious to me that we need some new ground rules for Ethan and his attitude when he is out of control and disrespectful. I think I will go grab Jay to have a meeting to decide his fate.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Dear Sadie,
You took an unscheduled nap this afternoon. It is not part of your every day, but once in a while, I can tell you just need it. You were behaving fine, today, with your playmate Cecilia over, but I thought a little down time after she left would be good. I have come to understand that after a few hours of play with a friend, you need a little time to yourself. But, I have to watch out that you don't sleep too long or you will spook around in your room when it is time for bedtime. So, I went upstairs and there you were. So sweet - so calm - so beautiful. Your lips were a little more pink than usual becuase of some chapping, your hair was all over the place - even a little wet from sweat. You were on the floor in a sleeping bag and around you were all sorts of pillows and toys - mainly barbies - making quite a nice little fort - almost like a princess palate. I sat and stared at you for a just a moment as I heard the timer go off on the oven downstairs. A rare, beautiful moment. Then it got better. I called your name - Sadie, Sadie Loo, time to get up. You popped open your eyes, but I could tell by the glassy look you weren't really awake. You stretched, you yawned, then you said, Mommy, can I go with you somewhere? I said, what? You said, I want to go somewhere today, just the two of us. Prescious little one...I can't, not today. We don't have plans to go anywhere today, but I would love to. You rolled over and quickly fell back asleep. I told you it was time to start waking up for dinner and then left. I didn't even hear you when you finally came downstairs. Instead, I found you lying on the floor of the kitchen in a sleeping bag and large white pillow watching Meet the Robinsons. Content and waking up on your schedule. I love you my little lamb chop.
You took an unscheduled nap this afternoon. It is not part of your every day, but once in a while, I can tell you just need it. You were behaving fine, today, with your playmate Cecilia over, but I thought a little down time after she left would be good. I have come to understand that after a few hours of play with a friend, you need a little time to yourself. But, I have to watch out that you don't sleep too long or you will spook around in your room when it is time for bedtime. So, I went upstairs and there you were. So sweet - so calm - so beautiful. Your lips were a little more pink than usual becuase of some chapping, your hair was all over the place - even a little wet from sweat. You were on the floor in a sleeping bag and around you were all sorts of pillows and toys - mainly barbies - making quite a nice little fort - almost like a princess palate. I sat and stared at you for a just a moment as I heard the timer go off on the oven downstairs. A rare, beautiful moment. Then it got better. I called your name - Sadie, Sadie Loo, time to get up. You popped open your eyes, but I could tell by the glassy look you weren't really awake. You stretched, you yawned, then you said, Mommy, can I go with you somewhere? I said, what? You said, I want to go somewhere today, just the two of us. Prescious little one...I can't, not today. We don't have plans to go anywhere today, but I would love to. You rolled over and quickly fell back asleep. I told you it was time to start waking up for dinner and then left. I didn't even hear you when you finally came downstairs. Instead, I found you lying on the floor of the kitchen in a sleeping bag and large white pillow watching Meet the Robinsons. Content and waking up on your schedule. I love you my little lamb chop.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
February 10, 2008
Well, I have almost made it. Survival - and yet, even better. On top of the mountain, spiritually. Closing doors and feeling closure, a way to move on. Clarity from our God, from our Savior that has led me to a new depth in understanding. Life is smooth, peaceful...content.
Oh my goodness - how I just saw God's plan and timing for something. WOW. I was reading a past post about how sad I was about this school year without Ansley. This was a really low place for me. I was very lonely. I was thinking about all the plans Ansley and I had when the kids were going to be in school. Then she died...BUT GOD was faithful to meet me in my need. I never saw it in this light before...Jay quit his job in November. He has been there for me. Our marriage is restored, our lives are better, our family is whole and functioning on a level never before! It is awesome. HE IS AWESOME! His timing is perfect, his ways are made complete. Wow. Now, when Jay leaves for a business appointment, I am lonely for him - which is the way it is supposed to be!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Our day:
Woken up by Lily who was completely naked. She had stripped herself for some reason of her pull-up and gown. I think she had spent most of the night in bed with Ethan (clothed). After much prodding, I got up and made cinnamon buns for breakfast. Jay made me a cappuccino. I got back in bed to do my quiet time. Running late, I got a shower, got kids ready and jumped into the car (Jay's car) to start our day of birthdays. First to the Carousel Skating Center where we celebrated Cecilia's birthday. All kids skated and had a great time. We left to go to Alana's apartment which was located on south Main because we had 45 mins to kill before the next party. It was their first time to visit Alana's apartment. They enjoyed the hammock. We then took Ethan to LaserX for a party for Kevin Mullins. The girls were hungry so we pulled into CookOut for hot dogs. We decided to eat in the car in their parking lot. Realizing we were quickly running out of time, we raced to the WalMart on SouthMain to pick up a few things, Jay's prescription and Sadie's guitar toy which had finally arrived. We left without the prescription (the Pharmacy was closed from 1:30 - 2 and the guitar (I totally forgot). At least we got the groceries! We raced to LaserX and got there just in time to pick-up Ethan - who had won a cool shell necklace, rubber teeth and a rubber pop disc from the games. He was also quite red-faced and sweaty from all of the running around. Another goodie bag and into the car! On the way home, Sadie fell asleep and refused to get out of the car - even under threat of spanking if she wet her pants. Ethan had a melt down, questioning my love for him. We had a long, long talk through his tears and pleas for forgiveness. Lily went down for a nap. This is where I am. Jay has spent the day working on the paneling in the study, even with his jammed knuckle on his index finger from yesterday. So glad it is better. I should mention that I also had a mental breakdown, but for fear of reprisal, I won't go into details here. It has been an emotional day...so far
Woken up by Lily who was completely naked. She had stripped herself for some reason of her pull-up and gown. I think she had spent most of the night in bed with Ethan (clothed). After much prodding, I got up and made cinnamon buns for breakfast. Jay made me a cappuccino. I got back in bed to do my quiet time. Running late, I got a shower, got kids ready and jumped into the car (Jay's car) to start our day of birthdays. First to the Carousel Skating Center where we celebrated Cecilia's birthday. All kids skated and had a great time. We left to go to Alana's apartment which was located on south Main because we had 45 mins to kill before the next party. It was their first time to visit Alana's apartment. They enjoyed the hammock. We then took Ethan to LaserX for a party for Kevin Mullins. The girls were hungry so we pulled into CookOut for hot dogs. We decided to eat in the car in their parking lot. Realizing we were quickly running out of time, we raced to the WalMart on SouthMain to pick up a few things, Jay's prescription and Sadie's guitar toy which had finally arrived. We left without the prescription (the Pharmacy was closed from 1:30 - 2 and the guitar (I totally forgot). At least we got the groceries! We raced to LaserX and got there just in time to pick-up Ethan - who had won a cool shell necklace, rubber teeth and a rubber pop disc from the games. He was also quite red-faced and sweaty from all of the running around. Another goodie bag and into the car! On the way home, Sadie fell asleep and refused to get out of the car - even under threat of spanking if she wet her pants. Ethan had a melt down, questioning my love for him. We had a long, long talk through his tears and pleas for forgiveness. Lily went down for a nap. This is where I am. Jay has spent the day working on the paneling in the study, even with his jammed knuckle on his index finger from yesterday. So glad it is better. I should mention that I also had a mental breakdown, but for fear of reprisal, I won't go into details here. It has been an emotional day...so far
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
January 2, 2008
WOW - Does God speak when you beg Him, or what? Of course, I didn't get the precise answer I was looking for, HOWEVER, it does go along with letting go of control and letting God REIGN IN AND OVER ME!
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
January 1, 2008
A blender of pain and sadness, yet a dash of excitement of unknowns and possibilities. That is how I feel on this first day of a new year. I mean, for the first time in 7 years or so, I feel like I can actually redefine my goals, my plans, my fulfillment of who I am. The first 3-4 years were driven by babies, careers, building a house, moving. The last 3-4 years were driven by cancer and grief. So, now here I sit...UNGOALED! Is that even a word? Deep down, it is scary to not know 1) where you are going, but even more 2) not to have a direction to even start! I don't know what to do! Sure, I have children to attend to, but each passing day I see more and more independence. I know that Jay wants me to be his secretary and assistant (omg) when the business starts in May, but that want be my place for long. The business will take off (I feel complete confidence in this) and he won't need me. Additionally, this is clearly his dream. It is not mine. Although I don't know what my dreams are anymore. When did that happen? Who am I and what do I really want to do? What brings me happiness? What brings me joy? Of course the answer is God, but I mean is how does this translate to me...every day... in this world...in this place? What is it that I want to do OR more poignantly, what is it that God wants of me NOW?
Kids are good. Christmas vacation has been a total blast. Seriously, it has to have been one of the best. The kids are getting better, Jay has been into them and we have had some serious family time. I know the kids are getting the best end of Jay being home. Got all the Christmas loot assimilated into the rooms yesterday. Sadly, Sadie is over baby dolls. Actually, she was never really into them. She always loved stuffed animals and craft supplies. A ridiculous ocd goal alert coming up...I am going to spend an hour or so tomorrow putting doll clothes on all the babies as they are ALL naked. I hope that means that Lily will start to play with them a little more as she seems less inclined to take the clothes off. And, I hope it will cut down on the bin of babies and clothing. We put the play kitchen in Lily's room with food/dish gear. She seems totally obsessed with that Fisher Price pixter at the moment - like a hand held game thing. She wants it ALL the time. Ethan still loves all the lego and computer games. Jay installed his computer in his room and the girls got theirs in the bonus room. Hope that means they stay off of mine! Both are ready to register their second and third webkinz respectively.
Trying to get back into the swing of scrapbooking. I think that 2007 will be super easy with exception of the France trip. There just were many pics taken as in previous years. Whew! Still, looking for ways to get current and focusing on some different projects so I don't stay so stressed about being so far behind. I have no excuses, really. The room is ready and i have more than enough supplies. It just isn't as fun doing it alone.
Sadie has her first school playdate tomorrow - a little girl named Gracie. I think it will be a little hard because Sadie is so independent and plays with out needing me most of the time. Still don't have anyone for Ethan...he had a sleep over last night so I don't feel so guilty about it.
Oh, Ethan made his own "hero" online via a tv show. He had already done it and asked me to come see it. He typed in his hero's name...Mamy. So sweet. I asked why and he said because she told people about Jesus. I shed a tear. We had a long and exhausting cry on Christmas Eve about Ans. My birthday was hard. There is still such a void. Nothing really fills it. It is still very lonely. I miss her.... alot.
BUT - here is to a year of COMPLETE unknowns!!! It has to be better!
Kids are good. Christmas vacation has been a total blast. Seriously, it has to have been one of the best. The kids are getting better, Jay has been into them and we have had some serious family time. I know the kids are getting the best end of Jay being home. Got all the Christmas loot assimilated into the rooms yesterday. Sadly, Sadie is over baby dolls. Actually, she was never really into them. She always loved stuffed animals and craft supplies. A ridiculous ocd goal alert coming up...I am going to spend an hour or so tomorrow putting doll clothes on all the babies as they are ALL naked. I hope that means that Lily will start to play with them a little more as she seems less inclined to take the clothes off. And, I hope it will cut down on the bin of babies and clothing. We put the play kitchen in Lily's room with food/dish gear. She seems totally obsessed with that Fisher Price pixter at the moment - like a hand held game thing. She wants it ALL the time. Ethan still loves all the lego and computer games. Jay installed his computer in his room and the girls got theirs in the bonus room. Hope that means they stay off of mine! Both are ready to register their second and third webkinz respectively.
Trying to get back into the swing of scrapbooking. I think that 2007 will be super easy with exception of the France trip. There just were many pics taken as in previous years. Whew! Still, looking for ways to get current and focusing on some different projects so I don't stay so stressed about being so far behind. I have no excuses, really. The room is ready and i have more than enough supplies. It just isn't as fun doing it alone.
Sadie has her first school playdate tomorrow - a little girl named Gracie. I think it will be a little hard because Sadie is so independent and plays with out needing me most of the time. Still don't have anyone for Ethan...he had a sleep over last night so I don't feel so guilty about it.
Oh, Ethan made his own "hero" online via a tv show. He had already done it and asked me to come see it. He typed in his hero's name...Mamy. So sweet. I asked why and he said because she told people about Jesus. I shed a tear. We had a long and exhausting cry on Christmas Eve about Ans. My birthday was hard. There is still such a void. Nothing really fills it. It is still very lonely. I miss her.... alot.
BUT - here is to a year of COMPLETE unknowns!!! It has to be better!
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