Gray

She is beautiful. She is kind. She is sweet. She is easily influenced. She is a great singer. She can be shy. She can be withdrawn. She has an incredible laugh. And, she wants a mommy.

That is what she told me yesterday in the car. "Gray, honey, what's wrong?" "I just want a Mommy." I had to hold back my own emotions in my response. "Oh, honey, I pray for God to bring you the most perfect mommy for you in the whole world. I know He has one for you and is waiting for just the right moment to bring her to you."

They have experience much turmoil and change since she passed. Three different houses, three different schools, three different inconsistent churches and one parent who is lost. Without going into much detail, for my own emotional well-being and for the privacy of those involved, there has been a chaotic influence in their lives which has exposed them to ideas, images, words, anger, rejection and instability that shouldn't be for a 7 year old. I really can't fathom feeling, as a child, that you have been abandoned.

Lily tripped down the stairs today and she cried for me. She wasn't hurt, but really scared. I rushed to her and held her until she was ready to bee bop back up the stairs to play. My thoughts wandered to Gray. I cried, knowing that she is alone when she trips down the stairs or is scared.

I wonder how terrible that sting is when she sees the other mommies dropping their kids of for school. When it is time for school programs, who is there as a witness? Who teaches her how to dress and behave like a lady? Why must independence be thrust upon her at a time when little girls need to be cuddled, loved, cherished and taught?

It has been a tremendous struggle for me to watch this. My own irateness and helplessness over this nearly drove me to my own demise last year this time. The only way I surmised to recover myself, was to take a giant step back. Although, many times, this decision was made for me as when I was around the truth was obvious.

I know my heart can't wrap itself around the bigger picture at the moment. As I watch this situation continue to spiral downward, my questioning grows. Even though my head knows the scriptural answers to this question, my heart begs for a different answer, an end to all of this madness. Why, God, my loving Father, why are you ordaining this - allowing this, creating this?