Europe, Day 2

Day 2 has brought some insights. 

One, Jay's host father, Jimmy speaks loudly to Jay's parents.  Normally, this would be a little funny as that using a loud does not equate to a better understanding of English when spoken.  However, Jay's father is slightly hard of hearing, so well, it works.  Sometimes, though it does seem like he is yelling.

I have forgotten what this country looks like to "outsiders."  So, I am not truly Dutch, but after 10 or so trips here and a year spent living here, I think I am not such a newbie.  I don't see the architecture as so ancient, the cars so small, the bikes everywhere, the ways of the Dutch so different.  Having Jay's host parents here bring the uniqueness of this country to the light again.  It is fun having them with us.

Day 2 has also brought a lot of eating.  I tend to stock up on all of my favorite foods while I am here...en masse.  Today we ate lunch at a "snack bar" where I ate fries met mayonaise (not really mayo, but a derviative of the sauce) and a kaas souffle (cheese souffle). I ate some appel taart.  That is an apple pie, but make no mistake, it is not your grandmother's goopy sugar concoction.  Jimmy and Nancy were great sports at trying new things.  I think Jimmy was even fond of a kroqueten which even I don't like - think fried potted meat.  Who knew? 

We toured a very old fishing village - Heusden.  There were two windmills there so there were lots of photo opportunities.  Then we went to Den Bosch where we took a canal boat tour.  It was a bit long, but the weather could not have been better.  We topped off our visit in Den Bosch with bossen bollen which is a softball-sized puff pastry filled with light whipped cream covered in dark chocolate.  Yes, it is every bit as good as it sounds. 

We left Den Bosch to rendezvous with the kids and Jay's parents at the Efteling, a large Dutch amusement park along the lines of Carowinds, but much better in its execution.  I would say it is like Disney, but of course it is not on such a grand scale.  The trip was given for Ethan's 10th birthday.  It was a wonderful way for Jay's parents to spend time alone with the kids.  When we arrived to picked them up, the kids shouted, ""It was awesome!" Jay's mom said to me, Ït was a dream day for me.  The best day of my life." That brought tears to my eyes.  How blessed I am to have such wonderful in-laws who feel such love for my children.  Lily's favorite ride was the teapot ride.  Ethan's was the and Sadie's was the Cobra, a heavy duty roller coaster.

We headed back to Tilburg for dinner which was Dutch Chinese take-out.  Yum!  Yum!  Then we celebrated Ethan's 10th brithday and Marique's 35th birthday with Appel Taart and drinks.  Ethan was here for his 1st birthday so I made sure to get his picture in the same spot in the garden where he celebrated it.

Added note to Day 1

We went shopping last night into the city center.  Thankfully, the house is only blocks from the main shopping district so it is easy to make a quick run.  I took the kids into Jamin, a candy store.  They were blown away.  I love how the Dutch package their candy.  This time, I saw the candy made into smiley faces and flower bouquets.  Large bins of make your own bags of candy were overwhelming for even Sadie.  The kids kept asking me to take their picture with the candy!

The World Cup for soccer is this year in South Africa.  As usual, the Dutch have high hopes and national pride runs high.  This makes for easy souvenir buying as they turn everything orange (the national color) and throw Dutch flags on everything. 

At Hema (think smaller Target) I bought a couple of dresses for the girls, some stroopwaffles (round waffle cones with caramel in between the two wafers) and a neat little sweater vest for me.  The shopping was a little too easy and I am a bit concerned at this point about my will power. 

Trip Day 1

We made it safely to the Netherlands.  We had several delays, but managed to walk onto our connecting flight here.  The kids were well-behaved for the most part.  I sat with Lily for the long leg who slept in my lap, basically, for the last half of the flight.  Everytime I woke her up to leave the plane, she would fall back asleep, her little head just nodding back and forth.  I didn't get much sleep as I was in the row in front of the lavatories.  I think people take all of the angst out on those lavatory doors - slamming them, rocking that lock with brutal force.  The ensured my limited rest time.  Well, that and the fact that I promise our flight attendant was a shorter Johnny Depp who was doing research for his up and coming movie.  Thankfully, it was not his Edward Scissorhands or Pirates movies, but more his Willy Wonka role.  Either way, a little creepy. Actually, I just found out, Sadie loudly called him the man-woman.  Thankfully, Jay got to deal with that one!

We picked up our very large rental van - a volkswagon caravan.  We are pleased with the size, expecially for American standards.  However, cobbled stone streets of quaint Europe will require some manuvering.  Jay already let out a little "ack" noise on the highway when the lanes were tight and a large truck was beside us.  I think this will be interesting.

My first stop at Jay's house was at the dinner table.  I consummed large volumes of bread and cheese.  The kids gobbled up their chocolate sprinkle sandwiches, but who wouldn't.  The little plate of Dutch chocolates has almost all been consummed.  I will be lucky if I don't weigh a ton before we leave.  A nap has rounded out the day.  After dinner, we plan on walking into the city center.  It is the shopping night in Tilburg, which means the stores stay open late tonight.  Just my luck!

Ok, so it is May. The overscheduled month of all months.  I need to learn not to schedule hair, doctor or dentist appointments in this month unless absolutely necessary.  It is ridiculous enough as it is.  This month does not allow me to ponder about what is going on in life and how it all weaves together into lessons and moments to remember.  Rather, it tends to be just about facts and events.  Doesn't make for such interesting blogging.

Nevertheless, some highlights and lowlights include:

Lowlights:  Silly bandz. Sometimes I think I have crept into the underworld and decided from that perch I should make decisions regarding how to best rear my brood.  What mother wouldn't want to spend $3 on a packet of the thinest pieces of plastic every created by man, molded into some barely discernable shape that you wear like a bumpy bracelet?  All the sane ones, I suppose.  I knew we couldn't keep them all organized to their rightful owners with all of the trading amongst their peers.  The inevitable squabbles, physical entanglements, broken silly bandz and crying meltdowns have occured, usually in that order.  Over it.

Highlights:  An unplanned mini-conference with Lily's teacher which made me feel quite hopeful for Lily's academic future.  Seems she has made quite the transition this year, growing up in her school work and her social prowess.  We made the right choice to send her on this year, early as it may have been.  Whew!

Low or Highlight?: You can be the judge on this one.  A couple of birds have made a nest in our birdhouse in the back yard.  They spend most of their time hovering around the windows - possibly because they see their reflection and get in protective mode.  Anyway, this has attracted the attention of our resident Dr. Dolittle, Sadie.  She has been quite observant of the birds.

Someone throw me a lifeline.  I am drowning.

My cup runneth over

For the first time in my life, at least that I can recall or realize, someone who I once considered one of my closest and dearest friends, doesn't want that title any longer. It sounds so juvenile to write that, doesn't it?  Yet, my heart is a bit sad.  Over the last year, I have left multiple messages on her phone, sent a few emails, contacted her through facebook and even mailed a nice card.  All of which have yielded nothing, not even a one word response.  I let this nearly impact my Mother's Day weekend.  Why is it that we are magnetically pulled to what we don't have?  Gravitating to what seems to be missing, rather than the abundant blessings God has given us.

That realization hit me yesterday morning as I woke to the sounds of "Happy Mother's Day!!!!" at exactly 6:24 AM. In came my three blessings with a tray of breakfast they made for me. On the plate were two pancakes, two sausage biscuits, two slices of toasted cinnamon toast and a pat of butter. They also brought in a cup of coffee which they made themselves. Quickly, they scampered out of the room to retrieve their homemade creations and presents.  My heart was quickly filled with their unconditional adoration and appreciation. 

Here is a poem, one of a handful of Sadie's written declarations of love for me:

Kind
Exactly the mom I want
loving
so cool
everlasting love
She is my journal of secrets
My mom is loving, kind, giving, cool, amazing, she tells awesome stories, the best, patient, a good mom.  I love my mom!


The line that made my heart swoon and brought tears to my eyes was, "She is my journal of secrets."  I have been working on developing a level of trust between the two of us that has been absent in earlier years.  There, in that little line, is the fruit of my labor.  She gets it. 
 
It is nice to have that type of affirmation from the ones you pour your life into.  But, is it necessary?  Not biblically, I know.  We are to give ourselves fully to His service without the guarantee of thanks, without the guarantee of seeing the fruits of our labors.  We should toil, perservering to the end, finding fulfillment in our work for Him, not the pat on the back that boosts our ego.  Even when relationships are failing, we honor God by walking in His ways.
 
As I am writing this blog, let me tell you how God was working to soothe my soul.  I had just ordered new swim bags for the kids to carry all their gear in for practice and meets.  I had been holding off on this purchase because it is not a cheap one and I wanted to be sure the kids were in this for at least another year or so.  Friday was the first day the kids used them.  Friday was also the day of our swim site cookout at our house.  I left practice early in order to have the house ready for the 30 or so guests that would descend directly after practice.  Another swim mom brought my kids, along with 3 others, to the house in what must have been one majorly chaotic ride.  
 
Fast forward to Sunday night when I asked the kids to get their swim gear together.  I saw a look on Sadie's face that made me a little uncomfortable.  She did not know where her brand new bag filled with clothes, bathing suit, etc. was.  This was very, very unlike her as she is usually so responsible.  I chatted with two of the swim moms on facebook and neither had seen it.  I was quickly growing tense over the situation, trying to remain calm until I knew for sure that it was gone.  Was it left at the YWCA, never to be seen again? 
 
My phone rang while I was typing this post.  It was one of those swim moms who had already gone to the YWCA this Monday morning, before 9 AM, to search for Sadie's bag. Sadie's bag - not even one of her own children, not her responsibility. I was blown away by her concern, her generosity of her time, her willingness to help me.  Unfortunately, the bag is not there.  Instead, I mytseriously found it in the trunk of my van which Sadie must have hurriedly thrown in there when she arrived home for the cookout.  Case solved.
 
And, so, here is God gently reminding me of His truths:  1) Focus on what He has given you because no matter the circumstance, there are blessings. 2) He always provides for you. Always. 3) Listening to God's voice offers opportunities to serve and grow and finally 4) We should never, ever be driven by the reaction and response of this world, particularly in our definition of self.  God's ability to fill our cups will always outshine the limited possibilities of this world.

Mother's Day 2010

I woke to the sounds of "Happy Mother's Day" at exactly 6:24 AM.  In came my three blessings with a tray of breakfast they made fo rme.  On the plate were two pancakes, two sausage biscuits, two slices of toasted cinnamon toast and a pat of butter.  They also brought in a cup of coffee which they made themselves.

Random musings

I have a multitude of events, issues and thoughts that have occurred over the past several weeks.  I kept a running list of them in this post and have been waiting for a time to add in the details.  Time hasn't made itself available until today and even now, the trash is overflowing out of the toters in driveway.  Writing is the perfect procrastinator to tackling my least favorite chore...bundling and taking the trash to the dump.

We keep swimming along.  Literally.  Today, Lily will attempt to swim her first 25 yard freestyle.  Monday, at the pool, she overheard another mom offer to fix her daughter a grilled cheese.  Lily became fixated.  However, I am militant about not being a short-order cook.  I already had dinner planned for that evening and was not going to add to my work load to whip out a grilled cheese.  I know, harsh.  So, I threw out the idea that I would be thrilled to fix her a grilled cheese if she swam that 25 on Wednesday (which is today).  She seems quite pleased with the idea.  I don't have the heart to tell her that we have dinner plans out and therefore, the grilled cheese won't actually be fixed by me.  Hopefully, she won't drown and won't care where it originates.

Sadie is on her own little rewards obsession.  She is consumed with getting her ears pierced.  I was not allowed this treat until I was in junior high and buy into that old school of thought.  Not to be deterred, Sadie has offered up what I consider a quite amazing goal.  If she gets her A time, she gets her ears pierced.  Mind you, an A time in swimming is somewhere around a junior olympic time.  I told her a BB time would suffice (which is slower).  She wouldn't hear it, insisting on it being an A time.  Time will tell.

Ethan has reached another teenage plateau.  This time, it is not a bad thing.  He realizes that he likes taking a shower in the morning before school and here is the kicker...he likes taking a shower every day!  Wow!  Hip hip hooray for personal hygiene!  He also likes topping it off with a little dab of cologne, which nearly caused my olfactory sense to revolt to my own child.  Thankfully, we have worked our way through "Pepe Le Pew," to "I bathed in it," to "My prescence is known," to now "subtle and appropriate." 

Yesterday, I found an empty cling wrap carton in my driveway.  For several weeks now, I have uncovered some bizarre uses of the wrap by none other than...Sadie.  First I discovered that she wrapped the base of a small pine tree, multiple times.  I am not sure if she thought this would protect the tree? Yesterday, I noticed she made a "wrap" for Lily that served as a wedding gown.  Then she used the wrap like duct tape and attached a glass jar to her scooter into which she deposited a bunch of rose petals.  While Lily walked the driveway, Sadie rode along on her scooter scattering the rose petals.  Later the saran wrap was used to create a sling for Sadie's imaginary broken arm along with some scotch tape.  I guess it is time to start creating a box with all kinds of materials - cardboard, wrap, tin foil, tape, bits and baubles from the office to spur this "creativity?"  The one thing that definitely needs to be included is a pair of scissors as those never seem to be handy when I am in "clean-up and repair mode."

Speaking of Sadie, God has revealed great insight into Sadie over the past several weeks. In all of my praying about her academic future, along with a very odd and difficult circumstance I cannot write about on here, I have discovered this:  Sadie does not have an inherently trustful heart.  The only way that she believes something to be true is if she experiences it.  When I talk about consequences for certain actions to her, I realize those don't resonate with her, until it happens.  When she would climb trees at age 3, I would warn her not to do it because she would fall and hurt herself.  Her response, "I not fall, Mommy.  I not fall."  The tricky issue with all of this is that Sadie does not often "fall," in the literal and figurative sense.  She is good at most everything she tries and therefore, does not encounter many situations that she either has to deal with or can't solve on her own.  Let me clarify.  She makes a LOT of poor decisions, but has become a master of making sure no one knows.  However, this recent difficult situation provided me the opportunity to "save" her from major embarrassment, thereby building a new level of trust.  I am confident that one of the reasons why I am to homsechool next year is to provide more opportunities to grow our relationship. 

I think everyone has heard the phrase, "God has such a sense of humor."  I'll mark this entire homeschool decision into that column.  I mean, Sadie has been my child that I have never shed a tear over when it has come to separation.  First days of preschool, school, camps, etc. I might have appeared to ever so slightly push her through the door, turn and walk very quickly away.  I know, that sounds terrible, doesn't it?  This is no indication of my love for her, but is a statement on my patience and understanding of her.  A year ago, she would have been the LAST one I would ever have considered homeschooling - my most head-strong, strong-willed, challenging, curious, intelligent, tenacious, and crazy child.  God must have howled when I announced that I would never homeschool her. Now, here I sit, just as calm and peace-filled about this decision.  I am excited about it...with Sadie. 

I love my little Lily's inquisitiveness.  I don't recall either of my other two asking so many questions about reading.  Ethan struggled a bit more in the beginning and Sadie just always seemed to know how to read.  However, Lily wants to know why behind everything she doesn't know. Last night it was, "What is that?" as she points to a quotation mark.  "Why do you not sound the "e" on the word gate?" " Why is "want" pronounced "want." Obviously, she wants to push forward with reading.  Looks like I will try to come up with some sort of enrichment for her this summer, too.

So, this is random, but worth mentioning.  I had a complete impulse buy yesterday at Wal-Mart.  I find it fascinating how they package food these days.  Choosing to tout some new health benefit, enticing you to buy a product...and I am Gussy Gullible.  This time around...Ann's House Chocolate Nut Antioxidant.  The label says, "trans fat free, cholesterol free, very low sodium, good source of Antioxidant Vitamin E."  I am sure all of this is true, but not when you consume half the bag in one sitting resulting in 30 g of fat and nearly 800 calories.  Sigh. 

I could continue this post by writing about my ire for these new silly bandz, but time is ticking on the garbage. Yes, I purposely wrote silly bandz and garbage in the same sentence.

A seriously blow was dealt to my own estimation of how successful my mothering is and it was self-inflicted.  Sometimes I think I have crept into the underworld and decided from that perch I should  make decisions regarding how to best rear my brood.

Cue Silly Bands. 

You know, I don't think I bow down to the peer pressure that I see my kids experience. Jay on the other hand has so many horrific flashbacks from his childhood memories of knitted clothing, two odd-ball jogging suits and  that he

And, so, silly bands it is this time around.  What mother wouldn't want to spend $3 on the thinnest piece of plastic every created by man, molded into some barely discernible shape that you wear like a bumpy bracelet.

I begin this post knowing that I will probably ruffle some feathers.  I might even be seen as arrogant and pompous.  However, I write this post in an effort to put to paper what I learn about Sadie.  I have been given great insight into her being over the past week or so. 

The Sadies of the world attribute to about 2-3% of the general population. And here is the best definition I have found so far.

"Their excitement is viewed as excessive, their high energy as hyperactivity, their persistence as nagging, their questioning as undermining authority, their imagination as not paying attention, their passion as being disruptive, their strong emotions and sensitivity as immaturity, their creativity and self-directedness as oppositional. They stand out from the norm."

Does I really feel better about my mothering when I know the kids leave for school in the morning with teeth brushed, hair combed, decent lunches/snacks in their bags?

I am "on top" of my game this week.  It usually happens when we move back into the house for market.  I make some ridiculous attempt at maintaining the house at that uber sanitized level for about 2 weeks.  Nothing escapes my clutch of control.

Blessed

I am thankful for...

1.  A friend who took time out to instruct me on the world of homeschooling.  She has been a wealth of knowledge and I feel a teeny bit of confidence because of her encouragement and support.

2.  A friend who has been so appreciative for some things I gave her for her son that I am humbled.  Not only did I get a handwritten thank you note and an email with a couple of photos that brought an enormous chuckle to my day, but she sent us four t-shirts with her fabulous homemade embellishments on them.  Just over the top thankfulness - a lesson to be learned!

3.  A friend who opened up to me this week for what might be the first time in our friendship.  I have wanted to hear her heart for years and finally it has happened.  May God use this to work in both of our lives.

4.  A friend who called me to check on me this weekend.  I have been out of sorts, mostly physically, and she was the first to pick up on it.  God has blessed her with incredible interpretative skills.  It is comforting to know someone recognizes when I am not myself.

5.  A friend who always nails me to the wall of reality and pushed me to action.  You always need a friend who speaks Gods word honestly and frankly.  She never lets me slither away to stew, moan, and groan in the cave of self-pity. 

6.  A friend who asked to get together for coffee or something in the next couple of weeks.  It is nice to know that someone wants to spend time with me.

7.  A child who thanked me with his fully sincere heart for some punishment he was dealt earlier in the day.  He knew he was in the wrong and knew that he needed to be helped back in line.

8. A child who stopped to blow me a kiss as she skipped out of the door this morning on her way to school.

9.  A child who prepared her lunch last night and made her brother's lunch as well without being asked. 

10.  A husband who gladly left the house this morning to head to a job that is extremely stressful to amply provide for our needs and quite a few of our wants, too.

I am abundantly blessed.

My first day at trying to go with the calling of the Holy Spirit has been met with disaster.  Now, I know that this is not always an instantaneous happening, but I thought that with constant prayers throughout the day, begging for the Holy Spirit, I might tap into that life and peace I am promised.  Unfortunately, the result is not quite the day I envisioned.  In fact, it has been met with a lot of discord, irritations, disappointments and ended with quite a bit of crying, by me.  What is going on?

Is it possible to become ADD as you get older?  I mean, I know that I haven't always been able to remember and keep up with things, but it is getting progressively more bothersome as I get older.  In less than 24 hours, I lost our market rent check.  To list all the searching I have done would take hours.  I'll just note that the pinnacle was going piece by piece through a black garbage back that was in our toter...just in case.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed over this check and finally realized that I would have to call my renters and ask for another one.  How completely embarrassing.  I could list about 3-5 other things that are along that vein that have happened this week - forgetting Lily's piano books, losing the map to our house that I have used forever (given to people, not used by myself of course), forgetting to measure a pipe on our hot water heater so I can get the right part resulting in a slight flood, forgetting to send in our annual report for part of a subset of our business, etc. etc. etc.

I know I am a mom of three which means that I am fully responsible for 3 other human beings and all of their belongings.  That is an excuse I hear myself saying all the time.  However, I just don't buy that excuse - being overwhelmed.  Maybe it is being out of our normal routine down here under the stairs.  Thankfully, we move back up tomorrow.

What do you know?

So, we had our first bible study meeting. This study, Remembering the Forgotten God, is going to be incredibly enlightening and fascinating. At least the beginning of it seems indicative of such.

The author Francis Chan first asks us to write about what we know about the Holy Spirit. Then he asks us to dissect it, attributing it to how we know that - scripture, life experience, church, what others have said. Although I have done that with other spiritual areas, I haven't investigated it in the area of the Holy Spirit.

I have seen a lot of what I can only describe as "voo doo" attributed to the Holy Spirit. Inauthentic, unfortunately, later admitted to or proven to be false. In my own life I have experienced a couple of "strange incidents" that I can only attribute to it. I have been privy to a few moments when what I saw, experienced lined up scripturally with something not of this world. Through other bible studies, I have read that Jesus asked God to send us the Holy Spirit to be with us since he would/could not be. It is our guide, a gift, a reminder that He is always there.

The study goes on to have us read quite a few more scripture passages that outline just who/what the Holy Spirit is. And...wow...how limited I was on my vision. Opening myself up to that!?!?!? It just shows me that I have experienced only the tip of the iceberg of God's goodness. I would say that 95% of the time I work on being holy; I am such a "performer."  I don't just step aside and let the Holy Spirit work through me.  The anticipation, the possibilities, the wonder, the awesomeness that is there...well, I just can't wait to go deeper.

The Wolf Ma-Flodge

I am writing this post from the Great Wolf Lodge in Concord. We decided we could all use a break from the basement and drove an hour to get here. We came once last year, but unfortunately, Sadie spent much of it vomiting in the hotel room trashcan - not the best memory for her. However, this time, the kids are having a blast which I am sure is related to the fact that Jay is not in complete freak-out mode this time around. Seriously, this place is so much better with strong swimmers. I rode the Howlin' Tornado twice - once with Ethan and once with Sadie. That is one wild, breath-taking ride. Lily can't quite remember how to say the name correctly and calls it the "Wolf Ma-Flodge." Cracks us up every time.

For reasons still a little vague to me, Jay suggested we all go over to Concord Mills last night - a ridiculously large outlet/shopping complex. Considering that Jay claims to have an aneurysm every time he shops, it seemed an odd choice. We ended up in the Lego store. Surprise surprise. What an awesome place to play. Computer Lego games, make your own legos, even this "view it" screen which showed the actual 3-D model of what a completed Lego kit would look like when you held the box up to it. Very, very cool. Sadie bought a large cup of varying color and shapes of legos, Ethan bought a book, "Lego Star Wars: The Visual Dictionary," which he has not ceased pouring over, and Lily picked out her first kit - a kit of the Krusty Krab from SpongeBob complete with a small Lego krabby patty.

We are now back home. Exhausted, we were, as evidenced by the ridiculously long 3 hour naps we all took. Four nights left in the basement and market is over. The last bit of the school year is here and I the last 5- 6 weeks will sprout wings and be complete before I can bat an eye. My calendar is jam packed with Stanford Testing dates, end of year parties, field trips, field day, swim meets, etc. Whew!

I found the song, "I love you, Lord" and had to put it on my blog. It is the second one on my playlist. That was the song I sang to Lily every night when I rocked her to sleep as a baby. It has always been "our song." If I were more technical, I would record her singing it and load it on here. As sweet as it sounds to me, that little lovey voice, I know it sounds more so to Him.

Last words.

I wrestled out of my slumber this morning by reliving one of the last days I had with Ansley. It never fails to transform me into a jar of marbles that have been spilled across a hardwood floor. The marbles just keep rolling in all directions, some bouncing little hops tip...tap...tip.tap.tiptaptiptap. Others make a spiraling sound as they move across the hard surface. Scattering.

It was the last day that I had a conversation with her. It was also her worst day with cancer. She was in the hospital, had been for over a week. Her liver functions were down the drain and the doctor was trying to sort through options, choose a new treatment, and give reason for hope. The cancer had invaded so much of her body, but nowhere more so than her bones. Her scans lit up like a Christmas tree and the pain in her hips and weakness in her legs had forced her to a wheelchair. Knowing all of this, however, did not prepare me for what was to happen that day. My sister simply rolled over in the hospital bed and her hip snapped. The bone had been eaten away by cancer leaving little strong bone left. It was as completely awful as it sounds.

I was the one who held her, her face inches from mine, her hands strangling mine like a vice grip while they tried to change her soiled linens. Her broken hip being shuffled while she laid there. Her face contorted in pain, eyes wild, while her voice strained through clinched teeth begging God to make it stop. In only a few more hours, they would put her in traction, stabilizing her bones. The increased pain meds looped her into another orbit with only an occasional passing through our world again.

It was during one of these moments that I realized that it was time for me to get home to my own family. I bent toward her face to say goodbye. I gave her a little peck on her forehead; a little stubble from her hair pricked my lips. I said, "I have to go, Ans. I'll see you soon. I love you." She smiled that little wry smile, her lips not giving a hint of the teeth that were behind. She lifted her arm and pulled me back to her. She looked at me, straight to my soul. "I love you, too, Kels. I really do." I responded, "I know. I love you." We gave each other a long, deeply held hug.  And with that, I pulled away, turned, and walked out of the room.

I didn't know that would be our last exchange. I didn't know I wouldn't hear her voice again. I didn't know it was my last chance to say what needed to be said.  And yet, I said what needed to be said, simply. Oh how grateful I am.

April thoughts...

Things that consume my brain in April...

As we are, rather I am, homeschooling Sadie next year, I have been delving into books, websites, magazines, trying to determine what type of environment I want to create for Sadie, what is her learning style, what is my teaching style and what sort of curriculum to choose. I have come to the conclusion that I won't really know what works until we actually start. Therefore, I am going to make some educated guesses and hope for the best.

The kids are at the beginning of long course season in swimming. We have visited several other swimming locations in hopes of determining where we will be next year. Although all the sites have lots of positives, the deciding factors were 1) their love of their current swim coach 2) that I can be a part of a carpool next year which will allow me the luxury of only one day of shuttling the kids to and from practice and finally 3) an incident that happened at the swim banquet which was held at our church. The "incident" was a statement I made to another swim mom. There were a couple of door prizes given away at the banquet in the form of tuition credit. A criterion for being included in the drawing was based on volunteer hours throughout the swim year. They drew three names and before the last name was drawn, I foolishly said, "If I win this last one, we will go to Pyramids." Guess what? They drew my name. I know the statement was not some contractual obligation, but I also know that it hinted at a sign that point to Pyramids. Another note, Sadie received recognition for the largest percentage of time dropped of any swimmer on the team.

My little lovey has started blazing a trail in the reading department. It is so fun to watch her try, listen to her sound out the words and enjoy it. What a blessing it is to witness this first-hand! On the other hand she has delved deeply into the word of blatant disobedience. Makes me miss my "I'll do anything you say" little girl. Hopefully, we are getting back on track soon!

Ethan has developed a nice set of manners when it comes to speaking to other adults. I say "other" because it is not necessarily reflected in his conversations with me, unfortunately. We're working on that. However, it is nice to see the fruits of some labor every once in a while.
Sadie is still collecting "critters" like crazy. How she manages to keep them alive, I don't know. I have been coerced into going to PetsMart today to buy a turtle cage and turtle food. I assure you that I know they carry salmonella and that they are somewhat nasty, but this little turtle is so small that I figure it hasn't had the opportunity to contract any diseases. It is a good lesson on how to practice good hygiene regardless. Yesterday, Sadie was the first to discover the nest of the most perfectly blue eggs in our birdhouse. I think I see a unit study about animals in her future.

I have been quite reflective on friendships lately. What defines them, what drives them, what is their purpose? I have some ideas that have been planted in my heart lately on how to serve some others. I haven't had this happen in a while and it is joyous to me to know that He needs me outside my own home again.

I am starting my new bible study on the "Forgotten God" which is a study on the Holy Spirit. I used to grapple with the question of if "I" was always doing what God wanted me to do. Was "I" fully aware of my sins, fully aware of my weaknesses, was "I" giving God all the glory in every thing that I did. Was "I" living a life that was completely and totaling focused on Him. I came to the conclusion that all that was really needed was an open and willing heart. God plants these questions in our hearts to open up our eyes and hearts to the possibilities and it is then that the Holy Spirit begins to work it out in our lives. We just have to step out of the way and allow Him to work it through us. I am also beginning to see that there is no exact way, step by step process, no A-Z method, that "I" accomplish it; it just happens. A heart transformed, more willing to be His is all it takes.

To Market, to market...

I can breathe. The house is ready for our renters and we are in the basement. I can say that this year, I won the battle. The battle of "just how obsessed with cleaning can you be." I don't know if laziness took over, apathy or just a better perspective came into view. I believe it was the latter. It feels good and satisfactory that I did not have one melt down, one hissy fit, one tense moment with any other member of my family. And yet, the house is nice, orderly, and clean. Twice a year, every hairbow is in its place, legos in their boxes, and bills filed. This year, I was done so early; I actually got some painting done. Not obsessive painting, but painting two repair patches from a towel bar gone awry and a door knob in wall incident. It makes me consider trying my hand at professional organizing...well, maybe not.
Over the past 4 years, I know that in the back of my mind, I have had a little chip on my shoulder, a little grudge about renting our house. It is solely my responsibility to get ready for it and I admit I have harbored some resentment over that fact. However, this time around...nothing. Even adjusting to life in our basement has been a breeze this time around. In fact, I am enjoying it. Therefore, I am completely fine and at peace with this continued agreement. Funny, though, now Jay seems a bit antsier about renting and almost appears to be scrounging around, grasping for a reason for this to be our last market.

I am thankful to God for working through me to release the tension and anxiety that normal encapsulates these 4 weeks out of the year. Baby steps...just one little one at a time.