What do you know?

So, we had our first bible study meeting. This study, Remembering the Forgotten God, is going to be incredibly enlightening and fascinating. At least the beginning of it seems indicative of such.

The author Francis Chan first asks us to write about what we know about the Holy Spirit. Then he asks us to dissect it, attributing it to how we know that - scripture, life experience, church, what others have said. Although I have done that with other spiritual areas, I haven't investigated it in the area of the Holy Spirit.

I have seen a lot of what I can only describe as "voo doo" attributed to the Holy Spirit. Inauthentic, unfortunately, later admitted to or proven to be false. In my own life I have experienced a couple of "strange incidents" that I can only attribute to it. I have been privy to a few moments when what I saw, experienced lined up scripturally with something not of this world. Through other bible studies, I have read that Jesus asked God to send us the Holy Spirit to be with us since he would/could not be. It is our guide, a gift, a reminder that He is always there.

The study goes on to have us read quite a few more scripture passages that outline just who/what the Holy Spirit is. And...wow...how limited I was on my vision. Opening myself up to that!?!?!? It just shows me that I have experienced only the tip of the iceberg of God's goodness. I would say that 95% of the time I work on being holy; I am such a "performer."  I don't just step aside and let the Holy Spirit work through me.  The anticipation, the possibilities, the wonder, the awesomeness that is there...well, I just can't wait to go deeper.

Contract

I have been incredibly blessed with a bible study I have been doing since January. I wasn't initially going to do it, but God met me in a Wal-Mart parking lot (does that sound like a country song title, or what?) and it was just what I needed to do.

I think I have mentioned the study book, "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. If you want to peel back some layers, I say give it a go. If you want to stay cozy where you are, then don't. It wasn't that it was very deep in theology, but it spurred me to dig deep into some icky strongholds that needed clearing out. It also shed light on the truth behind my self-created idols, which are derived deep down out of fear, the fear of losing control.  The irony? I don't have control to begin with! Finally, it reminded me that nothing, nothing, nothing is more sustaining, trustworthy and faithful than my God. Now that I am more aware of what has been taking up space in my heart and now that I have been prompted to replace them with more God, I pray that the Holy Spirit will strengthen me in this change.

A key component during this study was the group of ladies with whom I took this little journey. Praise God for the realness, the ability to be transparent, and the willingness to share failures and pain and to laugh, laugh, laugh at it all! And so, it is for these ladies that I add the following ridiculous, completely insane "contract" that I wrote for my kids around the end of the last school year. I was a woman who had completely lost her grip on the handle of life and here is how I reacted. Oh my - I am so glad my kids pretty much ignored me when I printed this little craziness out. I think a burning ceremony is in order - don't you think, ladies?

Well, funny.  I have searched three computers and cannot find the document.  I have a printed copy to show my kids how NOT to parent, but can't find the original.  It reads like the "Go to Jail" card from Monopoly.  You will behave exactly like this, you will not be human; you will be a robot.  Any attempts to be a child will be quickly squelched and you will go directly to jail.  Thank goodness I never actually enforced this insanity.  Maybe that will spare me at least one payment for my kids' therapy down the road. 

But...but....but...

I am in transition. It makes me weary, overloaded and burdened. I am not a crackerjack with transitions. A "go-with-the-flow" kind of gal, I am not. Therefore, when I find myself fluctuating between two worlds, I become a little controlling. Controlling, like a dictator along the lines of Mussolini, Duvalier and Pinochet. When I don't have responsibilities clearly defined for me, I spin like a mad top wiping out any who come my way. As the normal rhythm of my life becomes a mish mash of syncopated and staccato beats, I tighten my grip around the drummer to force some regularity. Squeezing the drummer is never a good thing. Never. (excuse #1)

Last week, we had some repair work completed on our water system - a well. We have had an above normal problem with our well since we built this house 5 years ago. The entire well pump has been replaced 2 times, along with multiple other issues. This time, when the repairman arrived he said, "You just can't stand not having us here, can you?" Lovely. This time the repairman had to remove the entire length of piping and replace it because it started leaking when we experienced an extreme cold snap in January. Whenever this type of repair gets made, it wrecks havoc on our water for the next 5 days or so. The result of which is bright orange colored, staining water. The orange derives from the rust and other mineral deposits that have become dislodged by the removal of the pipes and the "required by law" massive dumping of chlorine in the system. Every toilet, sink, tub becomes covered in the orange slime. I spend every day trying to prevent further staining of anything water touches. But, that was last week. (excuse #2)

I have reflected and pondered much on what is preventing me from taking that "next step" with my life. Having something I have written be published, losing weight, working out, finding a place where I can serve others, indecisiveness on many issues, for example. One conclusion is that I allow issues like the above (orange water) to prevent me from moving forward. Time management has ever been a great talent of mine. Yet, we all know we spend time on what we find important, right? (excuse #3)

Now that I think about it, there is always some wall, imagined or real, although I would venture to say mostly imagined, that blocks me from achieving much of anything significant. For example, I feed my kids because they would starve if I didn't. I accomplish that which is necessary, a requirement, something someone else depends on me doing. Am I doing anything that isn't required of me by others? (excuse #4)

I might be stagnant because it is comfortable in the still waters of the safe harbor. Is it fear that prevents me from hoisting the anchor and sailing out to the unknown? This whole writing thing, submitting articles, it takes some effort to figure out where and how. Why does my motivation stop after I click the "publish post" button on my blog? (excuse #5)

I am beginning to believe that I need to sacrifice something in order to achieve something beyond everyday survival. Sacrifice, give-up...that hour in the morning where I lounge around, drink coffee, sift through facebook, blog reading lists. The time I spend chatting with other moms during the kids' swim practice. The two chocolate turtles that I scarfed down right before I fell asleep. Those are fairly easy and I haven't made one step in that direction. What about the things that have resided so long and deeply in my clinched fist that they have grafted themselves into the deepest lines of my palms. I don't think I can complain, whine, or even contemplate inwardly about my heart's discontent if I am not taking a scalpel to remove them. (excuse #6)

Which leads me to my final conclusion, brought to the light through my bible study. My actions reflect a complacency that has become an idol to me. An idol that prevents me from a lot, but most importantly prevents me from going where God wants me to go and who God wants me to be. Here is where it gets a bit painful...I worship the status quo and I worship the time I spend COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. My treasure is always coming up with excuses as to why I have unrealized dreams. I have become the master of it. I have allowed excuses to dominate my life. I have allowed the laziness and lounging of my mind to prevent me from "doing." The excuses, however well-crafted and circumstantially supported at the time, are really lies and seriously..I am very, very good at them.

I begin a new chapter in my study today...no more excuses.

If that weren't enough...here is a passage from my study:

Even when you have these grandiose plans, spiritual plans nonetheless, things can unexpectedly turn. I suppose that's why I'm writing all this in regard to this week's homework, because there will alwyas be a million nagging tugs on our time and attention, and somewhere in the middle of all the tugging it is essential we build a fortress wherein only God, His words, and our heart exist together for a time. It rarely happens accidently.

Our Human Box

Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

No, I didn't write that. Someone else did. I have read it several times. The words themselves, the word choices are fairly accurate, with the exception of the word "Zombie." Still, three things are missing, well, more like dismissed in this quote. (in addition to the most obvious fact that the writer is not a believer). I will touch on two today, the third one tomorrow.

Edward Said, a literary critic, culled the term the "Other" - people who seem to foreign in some truth that we consider them alien to us. The statement above is evidence of someone ignoring the magnitude of who God is and then trying to cram Him, "the Other," into a human viewpoint. God does not fit into our box, people. God transcends all that we know on this earth, so we cannot use our simple words to pare down who He really is. To insist on full understanding is nothing but futility.

Jan Winebrenner in, "The Grace of Catastrophe" explains this well when she writes, "God is infinite, and our finite minds cannot grasp all that He is, all that He wants to be to us, all that He is doing, and all the He wants to do for us. We are incapable of fully plumbing the depths of God, His character, His plans, His goals; nor can we completely comprehend the strength of His love, the passion of His pursuit of us, the length to which He will go to make Himself known to us."

God, in His own voice, explains this to us in scripture:
My thoughts are not your thoughts.
nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

Yet, how often do we try to understand life through our own lenses and not through His word? We simplify Him. We water down His power, dilute His strength, weaken His word. We interpret His motives and His actions to fit our lives. It makes it easier to justify our own actions, our choices, and the events happenings around us because we think we have the power to fully understand Him. It is tempting, almost irresistible to judge and make assumptions about circumstances, causes, and consequences.

In 2004 an earthquake hit the Indian Ocean. The force unleashed was estimated to have released the energy of 23,000 Hiroshima-type atomic bombs, according to the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS). The resulting tsunami killed over 150,000 and left millions homeless. It pained me to hear believers interpret this event as the wrath of God on an ignorantly-perceived God-less society. It amazed me they had the audacity to claim to know the purpose behind such a catastrophe. The lack of humility that came with such a statement overwhelmed me. The focus had shifted off of their desperate need for God and into a position of false enlightenment.

The other component missing from that statement is love which is inseparable from God. He cannot be anything but full of love because that is fully His nature. A love we cannot fully experience on earth. The well-quoted scripture, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son..." (John 3:16) And again in 1 John 4:10, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

Our Enemy loves for us to "create and imagine" our God. Winebrenner says again, "We forget the truth about him, about His character, about the nature of His love for us and the "kind intention of His will" Ephesians 1:5." We consistently fail to grasp that God's love is "totally other." It operates solely from Him, unique to Him and not on our timetable, our plans or our circumstances.

I don't presume to know what the writer's life is like. I do know that that our Enemy does not want us to believe that God loves us. He goes to great lengths to prevent us from experiencing it, from believing in it. I see it in my own life every day. It comes in whispers in my ear, challenging what I know is true in God's word and about His character.

Are you resolved today to listen to His voice through His word and to feel His love that without fail tries to hold you?

I'll end with this quote from Larry Crabb, "There's more to knowing God than we dare imagine. It's time to put aside our cynicism and come to God, waiting consciously and deliberately, and with discipline for the Spirit to delight our souls with the rich fare of God."

My Sunday Reflection

Crossroads are a natural part of life's journey. Fairly predictable at the end of education endeavors, decision on marriage and bearing children. But, I think the ones that are the most difficult involve less on the factual statuses of life and more on matters of the heart.

I have spent two years at a crossroad. Written all throughout this blog are posts littered with depression, questioning, with a sprinkling of some epiphanies, yet no action has really been taken. It is much easier for me to write about being at the crossroads and what I think I should do than actually stepping forth, making a move, getting off of the "x marks the spot" and journeying on.

Last night I found myself at the foot of my beautiful Sadie's bed while she slept. My purpose in being there was to pray for her, to petition to God for wisdom and understanding into a beautiful mind that has become an enigma to me.


You see, this school year has brought to the surface the struggles that each individual member of my family has, but in no one more obvious that Sadie. I noticed a decline in her behavior over the summer. Little acts of disobedience. Little manipulations. Little lies. Little aggravations. I was not the proactive mother. Our summer schedule left little time to enforce discipline measures. Jay traveled much of the time. Honestly, I was just tired of being a mom. Tired of being, actually.


As the school year has progressed, so has Sadie's transgressions. A little bit of talking in class has become a lot of talking in class which has become talking while the teacher is instructing which has become impulsive loud acts, which has become hitting another child with a book, chasing around a hair in the air while class is being conducted...etc., etc., etc. This only parallels her behavior at home causing me to be consumed with anger and for me to attempt warp drive in the control department. If I just clamp down hard enough, rant and yell enough, I can squash her into this box that I think she should fit in. I searched the internet - ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Boredom, Highly Intellectual, Differentiation in the Classroom - looking for answers, solutions, problem-solving on my own. Do you hear the problems already?

The height of these acts occurred this week, resulting in an explosion or rather a possible implosion of our family. As typical with the workings of God, desperate times draw you close to Him and you reach a new heightened sense of awareness of Him and His love. Monday was just one of those days...

So, there I was, sitting beside my sleeping angel desperate to hear from Him. As I prayed for my child's heart, the light began to shine into my own heart. I wasn't just praying fervently for her, I was praying desperately, soul-searchingly for me. I needed my God. The tears became sobs. I was broken, yet again.

How could I have gotten to this place? Admittedly, by my own two feet. Walking away from Him. On my own.

Easily, I cried out to God to draw us both close to Him. He comforted my heart. He soothed my soul. The next day, God continued speaking to my heart in my bible study. This is what I learned:

1) God is not asking me to problem solve this situation. He asks that I just love her, turn her to Him, apply necessary discipline. Ultimately, I must have faith that He who does a good work, will be faithful to complete it. I should never be desperate or exacerbated.

2) I must shore myself up with the word. My life's history clearly shows how being the word is hugely impacting to me in every single part of my day. The highest of highs, the joy of of joys comes from being with my Savior. My entire countenance changes, a supernatural change that I can not create myself. I am able to transcend the struggles of this world to live with a peace that truly passes all understanding.

3) I must role model self-control which can not come from me, but from the Holy Spirit. If I am flying off the handle, having my little adult fits, rages, etc., how in the world can I expect Sadie not to?

4) I must not let how this world defines a "good" child be my guide for Sadie, nor can I let the rolling eyes and judgements of other parents, teachers, etc. to shame me, doubt my parenting, or define success for me. This is between me, Sadie and God.

I would like to say that all of this changed the remaining days of the week, like a miracle was performed and Sadie showed marked improvement. No. That was not the case. However, there was a miracle in my ability to handle it, to administer appropriate punishment, to turn her heart to the Lord. We have had some very sweet prayers and discussions as well as some very tough discipline measures. For example, her room contains only with her bed and clothing.

Therefore, I wait. I pray and I wait expectantly. It is nice to have the crossroads to my back. You know, I might be walking a very long time, but I have faith that somewhere along that path, the trees will bear much fruit.

Who do YOU belong to?

I saw this on a DVD today during my bible study. I nearly jumped up and shouted AMEN! I am HIS! I am CHOSEN! I am ANOINTED! Therefore, I have HIM residing in me, giving me the strength, wisdom and power when I do not! So, I ask you today, just as Priscilla Shirer did to me...Who do YOU belong to?

Soliloquy by Priscilla Shirer

Who do you belong to?

He is the first and the last, the beginning and the end. He’s the keeper of creation and the creator of all. He’s the architect of the universe and the manager of all time. He always was, always is, always will be unmoved, unchanged, undefeated and never undone.

He was bruised but brought healing, He was pierced but eased pain, He was persecuted but brought freedom, He was dead and brings life. He is risen to bring power and He reigns to bring peace.

The world can’t understand Him, armies can’t defeat Him, schools can’t explain Him and leaders they can’t ignore Him. Herrod couldn’t kill Him, Nero couldn’t crush Him, the new age cannot replace Him and Oprah cannot explain Him away.

You remind yourself, that He is light, He is love, He is longevity and He is the Lord. He is goodness and kindness and faithfulness and He is God. He is holy and righteousness and powerful and pure.

His ways are right, His word eternal, His will unchanging and His mind is on us. He’s our Savior, our guide, our peace, our joy, our comfort, our Lord and He rules our lives.

I serve Him because….His bond is love, His yoke is easy, His burden is light and His goal for us is abundant life. I follow Him because He’s the wisdom of the wise, the power of the powerful, the ancient of days, the ruler of rulers, the leader of all leaders. His goal is a relationship with me.

He’ll never leave you, never forsake you, never mislead you, never forget you, never overlook you, and never cancel your appointment in his appointment book.

When you fall He’ll lift you up. When you fail, he’ll forgive you. When you’re weak, He’s strong. When you’re lost, He’s your way. When you’re afraid, He’s your courage.

When you stumble, he will steady you. When you’re hurt He’s gonna heal you. When you’re broken, He will mend you. When you’re blind, He will lead you. When you’re hungry, He will feed you. When you face trials, He’s with you. When I face persecution, He shields me. When I face problems, He will comfort me. When I face loss, He will provide for me. And when we face death, He will carry us all home to meet Him.

He is everything, for everybody, everywhere, every time and in every way. He is your God. And that sisters, is who you belong to.