Well, hello there little blog.  It has been a while, my friend.  No documenting of our lives has occurred in nearly three months and that just has to be ok with me. A quick list of things that have happened in the last few months that should have warranted some mention, but just haven't:

1. Lily had eye surgery to correct her accommodating esotropia in November.  The muscle located in the inner corner of each eye was cut and shortened in order for the eyes to stay aligned.  Amazing procedure, amazing results.  She did great - better than I would have thought.  Recovery was a snap and she looks "great" as she says.  She will still need glasses, but in time will get wear contacts and later, lasik surgery.

2.  Sadie is no longer swimming.  She is happy; we are happier.  Well, I take that back.  I wish she were swimming because she is good at swimming when she cares about it.  Actually, she is great at swimming, but it isn't interesting to her anymore. She is thinking about a running club, tennis, soccer, horseback riding, and sewing lessons.  Obviously, we are not doing all of that, but it is nice to see that she is curious about many things.

3.  We are raising chickens.  Yes, chickens.  Who would have thought?  It was all Sadie's idea, of course.  We have 1 crevecoer rooster and 2 hens; 1 polish rooster; 3 silkie hens, 1 silkie rooster and 12 silkie chicks of unknown sex.  Jay finally broke down and has purchased a really nice shed to hold the lawnmower, ATV, bikes and I would imagine "chickens and chicken gear."  He re purposed the fort to the old playset and the chickens have quite a nice coop.  Sadie has been diligent in feeding, watering and putting them up in their coop each night.  We are concerned with the amount of predators in the area - hawks, dogs, raccoons, foxes and coyotes.  It is an adventure and sometimes one that I do. not. have time for.  I also do not like Bob, who loves to crank out the cockle-doodle-doos at 4:15 am some mornings.  We haven't gotten any eggs, yet, but are hopeful the girls will start cranking them out soon!

4.  In October, we went on a very last minute trip to the Dominican Republic as a family.  Ethan and Jay spent most of the time scuba diving.  After much coaxing and some freak-out, Lily learned to love snorkeling.  I loved it too as soon as I realized that with Lily practically pushing me under water the entire time, I needed a life vest while she was with me. Sadie just took off with the snorkeling and I spent time trying to keep an eye on her.  I took the girls horseback riding and now all they want to do is take lessons.  Might be a good Christmas idea for them - an intro lesson down the street.  The weather was a great while we were there, the rooms wonderful and food decent.  It was interesting to see Lily struggle with all of the changes.  I thought it would run a little smoother with her, but she didn't quite know how to adjust at times.  Her response was that she wanted to go home, but I track much of this up to the need for more sleep and the over stimulation and activity.  She fell asleep on the beach, one time literally, three of the afternoons.  All in all, a fantastic family trip.

5.  The trip to the DR threw us off in our homeschool schedule and routine more than I thought it would.  I am not sure that I would choose to take an unplanned week off of school again.  It was tough to get the girls back on track and figure out how to rework schedules.  We made it through three continents and basic world geography before I realized it was too much in our daily schedule.  We stopped it after we returned from our trip.  I hope to pick it up over Christmas break...we'll see how that goes.  I had to find a new bible book for Lily because the 3-5th grade book we were using was just too heavy in subject matter.  I still have to make some decision on science and reading for the second half of the year, but for in general feel quite confident where we are in our studies.

6.  I am struggling with how much to push Ethan in school.  I feel he is capable of all As, based on teacher feedback and previous test scores.  He received all As in the first quarter, but I can see that the attention to math detail is a problem for him.  It is stressful to always be teetering at that 92 mark wondering whether he can bring it up in time.  I am sure I impart this stress onto him.  I finally told him that if he did his best, then ok.  What do you do?  Push him, or let him find his way.  Take away television or screens so he can devote more time in practice, or be satisfied with a B?  What am I teaching him?  Still in prayer over this one.

7.  We are still attending morning swim practices.  Ethan and I have adapted quite well, in fact.  I get my workout in and he feels extra energetic with morning practices.  He has made such strides in his swim times this year.  I know he is pleased.  I hope the trend continues.  Last year, we saw a near complete halt to any drops in time after Christmas.  He is working hard, but at times just wants to do noth-ing - no school, no work, no chores, no lego robotics, noth-ing.  I have thought about if he is over scheduled, and am considering some changes in the first of the year.  In addition, I have completed the requirements to become a Stroke & Turn Judge for USA Swimming.  It took some effort and I am pleased to have accomplished it.

8.  It is Christmas time.  Too many things going on and trying as every year to create the magic of the holidays for the kids.  I love traditions and I love seeing my kids get excited to relive our favorite ones, even if it drives me a little batty.  We do gingerbread houses, craft Saturday (where we make ornaments), Bags for the Bus Stop, driving to look at Christmas lights with family, our church Christmas performance, and finally hosting a Christmas party.  Right now, I don't foresee being able to get it all done, but you never know.  Sometimes things just magically fall into place.

I don't know where to begin with all that has happened this summer. I feel like I have missed it with all that whirled by us in June. 

After our trip overseas, the swim team season was in full swing and I learned a multitude of valuable lessons that I list here to prompt myself next summer.

1) Our year round swim program is really the only practice I should make mandatory.  I noticed some deterioration to the kids' strokes as the season progressed and although the kids had a lot of fun at their summer team practices, they need the consistency of their year round coach more.

2) The fact that some children do not like ice cream, pizza, spaghetti, waffles or chicken fingers (versus nuggets which they do like) is incomprehensible to me.

3) Three swim teams is entirely too many.

4) Even your sweetest child has the propensity to cut her own hair, into a long mullet, trying to look like her sister.

5) Childhood friends just end up being the best friends you ever had.

6) Drama is still quite active in the world.  I thank God that for the past several years I have been removed from it.  It's absence in my life made that reality sting a little more than I would have liked.  I need to perk up at the clues when it is coming and...RUN.

7) Speaking of running, I should practice that more often. If my heart is uneasy and my brain says something is not right, I should remove myself from the situation.  Well, I think it is probably better to sum it up in the term, "slink quickly and quietly away."  Do you see a theme forming here?

8) Getting a child's opinion is never necessary.

9)  Sports bring out the best in people...and the worst.

10)  My husband wants us around a lot more than I thought he did.

11) I am not sure that I buy that labeling someone gives them the right not to mature.

12) You are never too old for a night in a tree house.

13) It is imperative for me to not be swayed by people's opinion of my own children.

14) Hanging at home is surprisingly enjoyable, highly productive and extraordinarily stress-free.

15) Sometimes I am not as strong as I thought I was in who I am.  High school insecurities have not been in my line of vision since well, high school.  Why now?  I should quietly slink away from those make me feel this way.

16) "Hair" is one of the last fights I will have with my children.  Arrow-shaped mohawks are actually quite cool.

17) Growing a garden has brought me much joy and delight.  Passing along produce to others is the cherry on the top.

18) My tendency to yell, has in turn, created yellers. It needs to stop.

19) Sunflowers are precious to my soul.  Having one growing facing into my window instead of the sun is priceless.

20) Like 99% of all mothers, my children are the most valued things in my life.  I will fight for them and protect them with everything I have. It is tough to walk away when you feel that is being questioned.

April thoughts...

Things that consume my brain in April...

As we are, rather I am, homeschooling Sadie next year, I have been delving into books, websites, magazines, trying to determine what type of environment I want to create for Sadie, what is her learning style, what is my teaching style and what sort of curriculum to choose. I have come to the conclusion that I won't really know what works until we actually start. Therefore, I am going to make some educated guesses and hope for the best.

The kids are at the beginning of long course season in swimming. We have visited several other swimming locations in hopes of determining where we will be next year. Although all the sites have lots of positives, the deciding factors were 1) their love of their current swim coach 2) that I can be a part of a carpool next year which will allow me the luxury of only one day of shuttling the kids to and from practice and finally 3) an incident that happened at the swim banquet which was held at our church. The "incident" was a statement I made to another swim mom. There were a couple of door prizes given away at the banquet in the form of tuition credit. A criterion for being included in the drawing was based on volunteer hours throughout the swim year. They drew three names and before the last name was drawn, I foolishly said, "If I win this last one, we will go to Pyramids." Guess what? They drew my name. I know the statement was not some contractual obligation, but I also know that it hinted at a sign that point to Pyramids. Another note, Sadie received recognition for the largest percentage of time dropped of any swimmer on the team.

My little lovey has started blazing a trail in the reading department. It is so fun to watch her try, listen to her sound out the words and enjoy it. What a blessing it is to witness this first-hand! On the other hand she has delved deeply into the word of blatant disobedience. Makes me miss my "I'll do anything you say" little girl. Hopefully, we are getting back on track soon!

Ethan has developed a nice set of manners when it comes to speaking to other adults. I say "other" because it is not necessarily reflected in his conversations with me, unfortunately. We're working on that. However, it is nice to see the fruits of some labor every once in a while.
Sadie is still collecting "critters" like crazy. How she manages to keep them alive, I don't know. I have been coerced into going to PetsMart today to buy a turtle cage and turtle food. I assure you that I know they carry salmonella and that they are somewhat nasty, but this little turtle is so small that I figure it hasn't had the opportunity to contract any diseases. It is a good lesson on how to practice good hygiene regardless. Yesterday, Sadie was the first to discover the nest of the most perfectly blue eggs in our birdhouse. I think I see a unit study about animals in her future.

I have been quite reflective on friendships lately. What defines them, what drives them, what is their purpose? I have some ideas that have been planted in my heart lately on how to serve some others. I haven't had this happen in a while and it is joyous to me to know that He needs me outside my own home again.

I am starting my new bible study on the "Forgotten God" which is a study on the Holy Spirit. I used to grapple with the question of if "I" was always doing what God wanted me to do. Was "I" fully aware of my sins, fully aware of my weaknesses, was "I" giving God all the glory in every thing that I did. Was "I" living a life that was completely and totaling focused on Him. I came to the conclusion that all that was really needed was an open and willing heart. God plants these questions in our hearts to open up our eyes and hearts to the possibilities and it is then that the Holy Spirit begins to work it out in our lives. We just have to step out of the way and allow Him to work it through us. I am also beginning to see that there is no exact way, step by step process, no A-Z method, that "I" accomplish it; it just happens. A heart transformed, more willing to be His is all it takes.

ALL things work together for good...

In mothering, there is little more difficult than dealing with children who are emotionally hurt and deeply disappointed. I have found that I go to great lengths to avoid such times, as I imagine we all do.

Yesterday, I picked Ethan up from guitar and transported him to the pool for swimming practice. We had a sweet conversation about the plans of God. I can't recall what was the catalyst for this talk, but in the end, Ethan said, "But all things work for good, right Mommy?" Little did he know how much he would need to recall this statement about an hour later. For a nine-year old's world is vastly different than ours in terms of perspective and experiences. What we might be able to work through and then quickly move forward through, they cannot. The important, life-altering relationships are few, their security strongly rooted in them. For the sensitive child, change in general is challenging and the loss of an important person in their life is exponentially harrowing.

We arrived at the pool and gathered with the other families. A team meeting had been called for that afternoon to discuss the summer schedule and "plans for next year." The email that informed me of this meeting was vague and I knew that there was a high probability that the news would not be good. The news was brief and swift, much like the ripping off of a band aid. Unfortunately, it left a gaping wound that continued to bleed as more information was given and the reality of what the meant for my children set in. The site location for our team was going to close and our coach was moving to a location geographically and financially unfeasible for us.

Over the past year, I have recounted several tales from our experiences with the pool - from our first jaunt with the Elk's this past summer, to a smattering of swim mentions in other posts. I can't verbalize all the ways in which swimming has benefited my children. Physically, mentally, emotionally - they have learned valuable lessons on working hard, team-work, and sportsmanship. They have developed a new fondness for healthy eating and being "tough." This has spilled over in their spiritual life as well, understanding that they should always give their best for God, relying on Him to give strength to their bodies, rising above the fray of competition and spending time in prayer over it. Nothing has pleased me more than watching my son thank his timers, cheer on his fellow teammates, shake hands with his competitors, and encourage his sister (which is extremely difficult to do at times, I assure you).

There was comfort for Ethan in our current swim location. He is not Olympic material. However, he works hard, always does his best, listens to his coach and is content with improving his times. There is security in knowing that he is not compared to the other swimmers, that he is not intimidated by more advanced swimmers and he had developed quite a nice, tightly knit commraderie, with the other swimmers. I saw every ounce of that security and confidence drain from his face yesterday.

But possibly the most detrimental result of this news falls with Ethan's coach. Ethan's relationship with him is similar to that of an older brother. I am sure Ethan has been aggravating at times, just like a younger brother, but Ethan also opened himself up to this coach in a way that he has only done with me. It was a relationship that quickly evolved beyond what he had experienced with other adults of authority. This adult was always interested in him. Ethan trusted him, relied on him, gave him insight into his emotions and what he was dealing with outside of the pool. And, so, my son grieves this loss as if it were a death.

I have been faced with multiple situations over the last month that fall under this same set of circumstances - issues out of my control that greatly impact my children in a negative way and I have to deal with the fallout. It is not fun. Frankly, it stinks. At least at this moment, I am only dealing with Ethan on this as Sadie does not appear to have fully allowed the reality of losing her coach into her heart.

It is a great and valuable teaching lesson for Ethan and me. He was blessed to have this year and this relationship. There should only be joy in that, not grief. It is but a bump in this life, this very temporary life. In the perspective of disappointments in life, this will be minor - let's learn how to deal with them now. Finally, we must plow forward remembering that something phenomenal is still before us, waiting, because, "we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Amazing Feats

Sadie, who had been tucked into bed for 15 minutes, came into my bedroom holding a piece of paper. The paper was from her notepad of blue paper with little gray and white kittens on the bottom.

"Mom," she said, "I made you my grocery list." My eyes got a little wider and I said, "Ok."

She bent over to me and shared her neat little list which was numbered. My guess is that she felt the need to "go over it" with me to ensure there were no mistakes.

The list was entitled, "Sadie's grocries" (that is not my typo, nor are any following this - it is how Sadie wrote it)

1. Get pulups,
2. orange juice,
3. seedless oranges,
4. Green apples,
5. strawberrys
6. blueberrys, and
7. fabreeze for bathroom

Type A? Undoubtedly. Clear, concise, detailed and numbered. She just amazes me sometimes. It is a list that exhibits healthy eating habits and concerns about personal hygiene. I am not quite sure about #7, but at least she wants things smelling good. The vast and ever-changing worlds in which this child vacillates...so unpredictable. Guess I am going to the store tomorrow!

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Less than a year ago, we joined the YWCA in order to spend some family time together swimming during the cold-ish NC winter months. The kids weren't what I would call even "decent" swimmers. Neither Ethan nor Sadie could swim the length of the pool doing any legal stroke, their stroke a loosely defined doggy paddle. I think, Sadie, the first time, even used a swim belt (more out of our fear than probably her need). Nevertheless, the were not secure in the water at all.

Today, after 8 months of swim team/practice, Ethan had a chance to swim with the next level of swimmers at our practice site. He swam a total of 60 laps in the pool; that is the equivalent to 1500 yards, just 10 shy of a mile. He swam sets of butterfly, breast, free and back throughout the practice. Amazing what their bodies can learn and can achieve. It was a shining moment for him, I think. His coach was really proud of his focus and desire to work hard. We have come a long, long way in a year.

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There have been some hard and difficult issues that one of my children has had to face at school. Children, including one of my own, have been the target of name calling, inappropriate behavior and physical interactions that are quite below acceptable. My concern is for my child, but on equal footing, my heart is tender towards the child who is the perpetrator and his parents.

My own views of child rearing have drastically changed over the last 9 years. How funny to think I actually believed I could control and force the desired behavior of my children. I know that is why God gave me the three He did - so unique in their personalities, in talents, in love languages. My job is to guide, teach, correct and love them. It is their choice whether to obey or not. Guiding is my role, the rest is left them and God. It is not a reflection of me as a person, as a parent. It is a picture of their relationship with God.

We, as adults, live exactly the same way. God guides, teaches, corrects us, all the while never wavering in His love for us. However, we turn away from Him daily, even when we know better. If we can't always have it together, why in the world do I think my children can? Sometimes I feign disbelief over some of their unfathomable choices, but really, I shouldn't. It is just their natural tendency to wander from the One that love them most.

My prayers these days are not for perfectly listening, well-behaved, obedient little robots - although wouldn't that be nice? It is for them to have their hearts tuned into God. For them to develop into the perfectly unique and spirit controlled beings that long for Him. I can see the difference in their lives, little bit by little bit. The apologies are more readily offered, initiated from within their hearts. The voice is humble and sincere. The desire to change flows from their souls.

The fighting, the lack of respect, the sassy backtalk, the whining, the blatant disobedience will never completely go away. Lessen, hopefully, but sure to cycle round again. God has called me to be a mom and at those times I cry out to Him, "Who am I?" as Moses did in Exodus. In those hours of doubt, stress, confusion, disappointment and utter defeat, I will remember God's response: "I will be with you."

Too Much Going On...

Swim meet this past weekend in South Carolina. Ski weekend coming up at Sugar Mountain. Need new health insurance plan for the business - must investigate this week. Too much going on.

Kids put on a good show at the meet. Sadie willed herself to finish her first 100 butterfly. She panicked a bit before the race, but I just shuffled her along to Rob who pumped her up. She started crying toward the end of the first 50, but pushed on, I am sure, because of a great deck parent cheering her on. At the turn of the 75, she saw the light. With about 15 to go she actually surged ahead with a little power. As she touched the final wall, you could hear the crowd was really behind her. Her coach pulled her out of the pool and lavished a lot of praise. She discovered that she loves a cheering crowd, but who doesn't? During this meet, I think she found a new love though - the breast stroke.

Ethan had a great Saturday with his technique (according to the coach) and a Sunday full of dropped times. He is so funny about swimming. He really likes it, but seems totally unphased by what others are doing. He just works along, pretty steady, content with his improvement.

I love the group of families that we swim with. If you are going to spend three days a week and a weekend a month with a group of people, this is it. And, Bob, if you are reading this, I include Jones family in that group.

Jay had Lily duty and despite the fact that he did not brush her hair the entire weekend, he did well. They took long naps, watched movies, did a few errands. She didn't cry this time when I left which means that she had every one of her heart's desires met while I was gone the last swim meet. Detox time.

Health plan at work decided to go up 30%. They have been terrible from the start. I am still fighting coverage on my MRI, recommended by every doctor and paid for by every other insurance plan. I am also fighting their charge for our H1N1 shots despite the fact that every other insurance company is paying for that administration as well. Now, I must tackle the daunting task of investigating our options. Sometimes, small business stinks.

Planning for Sugar Mountain and skiing this weekend with another family. Totally unprepared. At least we have the right clothes, but everything else is left to be decided. Now, Jay wants to go up on Friday morning so we can make the afternoon session. I sit here wondering...do I really even like skiing? Debatable. At least it is good family time.

An Overlooked Heart

I think it is fair to say that as a general rule, anyone who has met my Sadie doesn't easily forget her. Sometimes it is positive, and sometimes it isn't. Either way, she is compelling and intriguing, I think. Smart, crazy, tough, athletic, artistic, creative, curious, motivated, impulsive. Did I say crazy? But, the one thing that often goes unnoticed is her sensitivity. Even I, as her mother, often believe she is tougher than the reality of what is churning in her little heart.

Two recent events have opened my eyes to something I often overlook in my second child.

The first happened on New Year's Eve. Actually the ball start rolling a day earlier at swim practice; the ball became a destructive force the day after. This is the time of year when her swim coach sits down with each of the kids to assess their progress and revise goals for the year. Sadie's great love is swimming. She discovered it this summer and hasn't stopped since. She begs for more and more and now practices three afternoons a week. Sadie is a good swimmer with the potential to be a great swimmer. Her coach believes that her body was made for swimming the butterfly and in time the possibilities are there. Right now, however, is another story. Is she at the top of her age division? Hardly. But, her perception is that she is a much faster swimmer than reality. Her coach, understandably, wants to start bridging the gap between what goes on at practice with what goes on at meets. He wants the kids to be more aware of their times in each event and concentrate on what their bodies are doing in the water to improve their times. Therefore, he encouraged Sadie to ask me to show her her times.

I was not receptive to this idea. She is 8. This should all be about fun, right? I tell the kids when they have dropped or gained time, but they are not given information on their standings in comparison to others or how close they are to their first standard, which is called a "B" time. I don't want them to have that pressure, yet. I never viewed it as a matter of incentive, really, and certainly never thought through her possible reaction to this full disclosure. Yet, I still questioned the coach about this, and he assured me she was ready. It would be a great motivator for Sadie, who is a very "tough kid."

Forward to New Year's Eve. Right after lunch Sadie came to me and asked me to show her her times. They are all on the computer so we sat down on the bed and I began. "Here is your time." I said. "And what is the B time?" Sadie responded. "Ummm, well, here." I said. Her eyes opened wide. "What about my other events?" I showed her each of the comparisons. Her face scrunched up, the tears welled up in her eyes and she shouted, "I am horrible at swimming. I am never going to swim again!" She flung herself on the bed. Whoa - I was not expecting this severe reaction at all. Where was my tough Sadie, the one who always let things roll off her back? I spent the next 4+ hours dealing with wailing, frustration, and as much depression as an 8 year old can muster. I was pretty ticked with her coach for pushing this issue. I used every bit of reasoning and information I had. Yet, nothing changed the utter devastation that showed on her face, mirroring what her heart was feeling.

Finally, in the car outside of the restaurant where we were to meet 20 other people for dinner, I said, "Sadie, why did you choose to swim?" Her response, "Because I love it and I love how I feel strong in the water." "Well, that hasn't changed because of your times. That is all I am going to say about it. You need to decide what you want to do and let me know." I answered. About halfway through dinner, Sadie came over to me and said, "Mom, I need to tell you something. I have decided I am still going to swim." I said, "Ok. Great." Relief.

As a side note, at the next practice, Sadie was more focused and determined. Maybe her coach knew something after all. Sorry, Coach Rob. Good thing I couldn't find your cell number on New Year's Eve.

The second incident happened yesterday. Sadie has never stayed dry at night. Ever. Every year at the pediatrician's office we ask about this. The answer is always, "We're not worried; she will grow out of it." We have always believed that her inability to stay dry is because Sadie is an incredibly deep sleeper. Sadie sleeps like the dead. You cannot wake her up. We have offered up every incentive for a dry night, including a much coveted American Girl doll. We have also doled out some verbal warnings and minor discipline. We have tried all types of devices to help her, including a special alarm that goes off when it detects wetness. The buzz is supposed to train your brain to recognize the signal it is receiving from your body. Unfortunately, Sadie just sleeps through the alarm. We tried having her sleep in our room so that I could get to her by the time the alarm buzzed. The result was that alarm went off, I walked a still sleeping Sadie to the bathroom, while she peed on the floor the entire way. She never woke up.

At her last check-up, I firmly stated that I didn't feel comfortable "waiting for her to grow out of it" anymore. At 8 years-old, she is embarrassed by this fact, going to great lengths to hide it. Sleepovers are becoming more frequent and she is terrified that someone will make fun of her. Therefore, the doctor made us an appointment with an urologist. We had this appointment yesterday.

It didn't take long for the doctor to strongly believe that Sadie has some "bladder malfunction." One reason is that even after urinating, she still had 4-5 oz of urine in her bladder. Our other answers to his questions continued to confirm that there are some physical problems, completely out of her control. In addition, the stress of not being able to control her bladder has probably created another set of problems. Our next step is a series of tests this coming Thursday. He went through some details of what this would mean to Sadie and said that it shouldn't hurt, despite his use of the word, "catheter". Sadie seemed to be taking it all in stride. In fact, she even announced that she was "happy" because she would be able to get rid of the pull-ups. We left the appointment and I dropped her off at school without another thought. What a tough girl, right?

When I arrived at school to pick up the kids, I immediately recognized that something was not right with Sadie. Anguish, fear and a bit of panic was on her face. Evidently, her mind had been fixated on these tests. Mentally, she had worked herself into a paranoid frenzy. She was starting to break down in tears so we quickly walked to the car. When we got home, she ran to my room, and began to cry. She refused to talk to me about it and after about 20 minutes fell asleep. I know that the emotional trauma of the "unknown test" had wiped her out physically. Even when she woke up, she continued to cry and refuse to talk to me about it, claiming she was too embarrassed. Her only real answer to me was that she was not going to have the tests done. With enough coaxing, a discussion of my own encounters with medical tests and then a girls' trip to Starbucks after dinner, she opened up about her fears which we addressed. She felt relief and more at peace with Thursday.

My tough Sadie, is really not that tough at all. I make that statement not using a haughty, bullying sort of tone. I make that statement with enlightenment and understanding. I have often dismissed her heart because she is so very tough physically and seemed to let the difficulties of life bounce around her exterior, not penetrating her skin. Instead, she internalizes her deepest emotions and fears, squashing them deep down to fester and worry her. When younger, Sadie could be outlandish in her communications. Always to the extreme ends of the spectrum - crazy exuberance to the most horrific tantrums and fits. In my desire to teach her moderation and appropriateness, I am sure I magnified to these innate inclinations in her.

I also learned that Sadie has a difficult time talking about matters of the heart. She often uses the word "embarrassing." It is natural to me that she should view me as the one person on this earth that she can talk to about anything without shame. Rather, it appears I might be the most difficult one. I spent a large amount of our time at Starbucks and in the car ride affirming my role as her confidant. Her response and new-found willingness melted my heart.

Although the swimming incident and this doctor visit were two very trying and emotional situations to handle, I thank God for allowing me this insight into my child. I can build the foundation for our communication now so hopefully, the teenage years will have something from which to work. I will no longer overlook her tough, yet sensitive little heart.

I love you, Sadie. With all of my heart, I love you.

Things I Swore I Would Never Do...Part ???

I don't know how many times I have written about something that I have recently done that I swore at some previous time in my life that I would never, ever do. Some call this eating crow. Some use the expression, "Never say never!" I just say, "You live, you learn...you stop saying never!"


This weekend I packed my two oldest children and headed out of town to attend a sporting event in which they participated. I am now a traveling sports mom. Groan. What makes this a first for us is that 1) it was overnight, therefore requiring a hotel room and 2) two children participated on both Saturday and Sunday. Jay and Lily stayed at home giving them a rare weekend together that included tea parties and lots of snuggle.

My main beef with this entire "traveling for a child's sporting event" is that it breaks apart families when the weekend is when families spend the most time together. I can add that it seems ridiculous to devote time to a sport at such a young age (8 and 9). Finally, it costs money. However, in the land of swimming, "our sport", it is what it is. You can't really compete in swimming year round by staying only in our little town.

So, what made me change my mind a bit on this issue? Several moments during the weekend, actually. Here are some funny moments from the weekend:


As we make our way east, the kids are pumped and we make a stop at Sheetz to pick up a light lunch and gas up. Their coach probably doesn't need to know this because Sheetz, with "s" replaced with "z'" in every possible written instance, is not exactly the top of the food chart of healthy eating. However, my kids think that the ordering at the gas pump is the coolest thing since sliced bread and thus a bonus point for mom.

At the pool, I get drafted to help the team get the swimmers to their events on time. One of the coaches gets me a volunteer sticker and I place it on my chest without too much thought. After I have walked throughout the arena, I look down and gasp. My tag reads, "Star Kid Pusher." Yeah, you read that correctly...KID PUSHER. Does that sound like I am at a swim meet or that I am ready for DSS to carry me away?!? It made me laugh as well as my kids...a LOT.


The next highlight came after the meet when we checked into the hotel. My kids really haven't stayed in many hotels as we tend to opt for condos or houses on vacations. I had not realized that. They are acting like it is Christmas morning as we walked down the hall of our hotel to our room. As they burst through the door, they started running around. "Mom, look it's a bed!" "Mom, we have our own coffee maker!" "Mom! Did you see the bathroom?" "Mom, is that a sofa?." I nearly fell on the floor laughing, because you know, they have never seen a sofa, or coffee maker or gasp...a bed in a hotel room. They quickly claimed their spots - Ethan in the king bed with me and Sadie on the pull-out sofa (another WOW moment when that magically appeared).


Another highlight was dinner out with several of our teammates after day 1. What made this nice was that the other families also attend my kids' school. The kids all got along and the adults had enjoyable conversations. I will add that it was the first time my son, 9, ordered from the children's menu, completely devoured his meal (ribs) and had to order more food. I guess he will be an adult menu orderer from now on, which means paying adult menu prices.


The three of us hit the hay back at the hotel by 9:30 after I was subjected to some really bizarro cartoon on the cartoon network. You are definitely limited by what you can watch in a one-room hotel room with kids. The show is called "The Secret Saturdays" and it is just strange.


During the night, Ethan was all over the bed we were sharing. Tossing, turning, kicking pushing and mumbling. I don't know how many times I shoved him to the other side of the king-sized bed only to find him right back next to me seemingly within minutes. Finally, I sat up and with a slightly elevated voice said, "Ethan, that is enough. You have to stop kicking and hitting me." His mumbled answer: "Mom, I am sorry. I was having this dream where I had to get this crazy, laughing elephant back to the circus. I guess you were the elephant." He laughed. I laughed and I marked ribs off his menu possibilities in the future.


The next morning we had some time to kill before we had to be back at the pool. After the complimentary breakfast, we decided to hang out in the room. Two other teammates came with us and I ended up making two forts for them to play in. One was in the closet with a blanket over the desk chair. The other was made between the bed and the wall, using the sofa cushions and the coffee table. It kept those 4 kids busy, along with their DSi's, for several hours.

As far as the actual swimming that occurred, the kids dropped times in all their events except one each. We left the meet all on a chlorine and adrenaline high. Ethan is gaining confidence and a self-awareness of what he is doing right and wrong with his strokes. Sadie is determined to swim the 100 fly at the next meet which no 8 year old attempted at this meet. They are really pumped about the next meet in mid-January in Rock Hill, SC.

Swimming continues to be a great decision for our family. It is growing our kids mentally and physically and gives them a completely different atmosphere than school and home. For that, I am willing to hit the road.

Breast, Back and Free

This year, we joined the local Elk's Lodge. Like many of its members, we did it for one reason: the pool. Prior to this summer, our kids were basic swimmers at best. We joined the YWCA this past winter in order for Jay to teach them how to at least tread water and swim across the pool using any means necessary. Clearly, Jay was not an expert swimming instructor, but he was making attempts to teach our children how not to drown. It has been an intense parenting goal for Jay that our children become strong swimmers, with me sort of lagging along behind in support.

It is no surprise then, to know that when Jay heard about a swim team for the kids at the Elk's, he insisted that our children join. It wasn't that I was opposed, it was that I knew it meant more work and shuttling than I had planned on this summer. Ethan wasn't particularly enthralled with the idea either and I knew that meant much encouragement and cajoling on my part. And so, swim practice began. Every. Day. Sometimes twice a day. Swim meets happen once or twice a week. Meets last at least 4 hours, longer if you count in the warm-up time. For the novice swimmer and parent, these meets are a bit overwhelming, chaotic, exciting and tiring. Overall, it is a hefty time commitment for what are to the be the "lazy days" of summer. I was completely not prepared for this entire venture, but probably not in a way you think. I was completely unprepared for how swimming has changed our lives.

For Sadie, my little crazy wild cat, swimming has become "her thing." Never have I seen her so completely delighted with any activity she has tried. And, we have tried quite a few. She always becomes bored before the season ends, particularly at practices. Not with swimming. At the first meet, Sadie realized that someone was chosen to swim the American flag across the pool while the national anthem was played. Setting her sights on this lofty goal, she set to work at the very next practice. She was very determined and after showing her newly, self-instructed "flag holding while swimming" skills to her coach, Laura, she was allowed to bear the flag at the next meet. She was thrilled.

At times (well, a lot of the time) I have difficulty embracing the confidence, the assertiveness and the zaniness that is Sadie. It was during this flag ordeal that I realized that she is who God created her to be, for a purpose. I doubt her purpose is small in nature because that just doesn't seem to fit her very large personality. Therefore, I realize that I need to sit back and just watch it happen instead of worrying over the details and constantly trying to restrain her.

My best guess as to why swimming appeals to Sadie is that it combines a lot of physical activity, competition and socializing - all essential components to her happiness. After the last meet, I asked her, very casually, if she wanted to continue swimming. Her response, "I want to swim, forever and ever and ever." Therefore, I now find myself inquiring about year-round swimming programs.

For Ethan swimming has not come as easily. His first foray on the swim team comes at a time when most kids have been swimming a couple of years. At the 9-10 age level, you are required, for the first time, to swim the lane down and back, not just down once as in the 8 and under. He barely knew how to do free style, let alone any other strokes. Ethan is also my child who is fiercely afraid of how he looks to others, afraid if someone will laugh at him and or of failing. He resisted the entire idea of the swim team and after the first practice declared that it was too tough. He asked if he could quit. I said no. After the first meet, when he came in last place in the last heat, he was nearly in tears and begged me to take him home. I said no. That was a tough one, but I held firm. During his next event, my heart was in my stomach as he battled out of last place. Again, he came to me trying to be brave though tears welled in his eyes. I mustered every single "word of encouragement" and "rising to the challenge" verbiage I could during the ride home. It was a tough night to be a parent. Later that week, he came down with sickness and then went to Weeblo/scout camp leading him to miss a meet and several practices. Once he returned, he asked to just practice with the team and not have to do the meets. I said no, again. I did opt to invest in a couple of private lessons with one of the coaches in hopes of improving his strokes a tad, thus building his confidence for the next meet.

And so, the stage was set for our meet this past Tuesday. I told him all he had to do was improve on his time. Actually, that has been our mantra for this entire season. I ask, "Who are you swimming against?" The answer is "me." Or, "What are you swimming for?" The answer is, "To improve my time." To add to the incentive, I offered up the prize of beef jerky for any improved time. And here is where I must give kudos to his coach, Taylor. He heard of this little prize and gave the challenge to Ethan...shave off 2 seconds of his time and Taylor would get him the beef jerky. The time came. Ethan dove in. He gave it his all while Taylor cheered for him down the entire lane. He touched the wall...and had shaved 8 seconds off his time. He was beaming. I was elated. Several of the coaches, including Taylor, were there to pat him on the back. Did he win the race? No, not by a long shot. But, what I saw in Ethan's eyes and in his heart was worth more than that. He didn't care that he hadn't won the race. He was thrilled knowing he had accomplished more than he thought capable. He had learned a fantastic life lesson about perseverance and commitment. And, as we left the meet, Ethan said to me, "Actually, I can't wait to do it again." Yes, I had tears.

It would seem a bit strange that an activity that is geared toward my children would have an impact on me, personally. However, if you have read my blog for any length of time, you know I have been in a bit of a funk. Actually, a 2-year vastly fluctuating, emotional funk. My pleasure in socializing pretty much vanished after Ansley died. Grief, sorrow and bit too much introspection led me to isolate myself. Unfortunately, a little isolation snowballs into more isolation. Before you know it, you are nearly a hermit. Thrust into the swim crowd on a daily basis has reminded me how enjoyable other people can be. It is amazing, really, that I am sad the season is nearly over.

Not to leave Lily out of the mix...she was able to join the Jr. Elk's team. She has evolved from not wanting to get her head wet to diving into the water and swimming a crude little freestyle for about 15 yards. She loves going to the pool and I can see how this has improved her social skills just in time for kindergarten.

Finally, this post about the swim team would not be complete without mention of the young adults that are employed as the swim coaches. They have restored my faith in this next generation. Sure, I know I am not privy to all the behind the scenes. However, I do see dedication, organization, leadership, instruction, compassion, concern and a genuine desire for these young swimmers to succeed. One example is in Ethan's coach, Taylor, who had me write down his mobile number. Taylor will be out of town during the next swim meet and he asked me to have Ethan call him right before his free-style event. Ethan just beamed upon hearing the request. The head coach, Laura, is just beyond her years in her leadership, organizational skills and enthusiasm. And, the other coaches, Chris and Brooke among others, call my children by name, ask about them, request hugs, dole out compliments and encouragement. I doubt they understand, fully, what positive influences they have been on the Dumoulin clan.

In regards to next summer...well, I'll just quote Ethan, "Actually, I can't wait to do it again."