Who do YOU belong to?

I saw this on a DVD today during my bible study. I nearly jumped up and shouted AMEN! I am HIS! I am CHOSEN! I am ANOINTED! Therefore, I have HIM residing in me, giving me the strength, wisdom and power when I do not! So, I ask you today, just as Priscilla Shirer did to me...Who do YOU belong to?

Soliloquy by Priscilla Shirer

Who do you belong to?

He is the first and the last, the beginning and the end. He’s the keeper of creation and the creator of all. He’s the architect of the universe and the manager of all time. He always was, always is, always will be unmoved, unchanged, undefeated and never undone.

He was bruised but brought healing, He was pierced but eased pain, He was persecuted but brought freedom, He was dead and brings life. He is risen to bring power and He reigns to bring peace.

The world can’t understand Him, armies can’t defeat Him, schools can’t explain Him and leaders they can’t ignore Him. Herrod couldn’t kill Him, Nero couldn’t crush Him, the new age cannot replace Him and Oprah cannot explain Him away.

You remind yourself, that He is light, He is love, He is longevity and He is the Lord. He is goodness and kindness and faithfulness and He is God. He is holy and righteousness and powerful and pure.

His ways are right, His word eternal, His will unchanging and His mind is on us. He’s our Savior, our guide, our peace, our joy, our comfort, our Lord and He rules our lives.

I serve Him because….His bond is love, His yoke is easy, His burden is light and His goal for us is abundant life. I follow Him because He’s the wisdom of the wise, the power of the powerful, the ancient of days, the ruler of rulers, the leader of all leaders. His goal is a relationship with me.

He’ll never leave you, never forsake you, never mislead you, never forget you, never overlook you, and never cancel your appointment in his appointment book.

When you fall He’ll lift you up. When you fail, he’ll forgive you. When you’re weak, He’s strong. When you’re lost, He’s your way. When you’re afraid, He’s your courage.

When you stumble, he will steady you. When you’re hurt He’s gonna heal you. When you’re broken, He will mend you. When you’re blind, He will lead you. When you’re hungry, He will feed you. When you face trials, He’s with you. When I face persecution, He shields me. When I face problems, He will comfort me. When I face loss, He will provide for me. And when we face death, He will carry us all home to meet Him.

He is everything, for everybody, everywhere, every time and in every way. He is your God. And that sisters, is who you belong to.

His Name is ....

As I tucked Lily into bed I decided to have a little "God" talk. I was going on about how much God loves her, that He is always there for her - even though she can't actually see Him. She can see His work in all of creation, even in her.

Then I said, "And you know God's son. What is his name?"
Now, before I continue, please understand that we attend church regularly and she attends a Christian preschool.

Her answer: Ummmmm, Kevin?

I thought I was going to fall into the floor.
Holding myself together, I asked: "Kevin?"

Lily: Yes, the boy from my class.

Me: Ummmm, no.

At that point, we had a coming to Jesus meeting right there in her bed. I have no idea how she confused our Savior and the boy from her class, Kevin. But, rest assured, she is super clear on that now.

Prayer for Sarah and Jon

I was asked to say the prayer at a dinner/dance honoring Sarah and Jon and their pending marriage. Here is what I said.

Father God,

We thank You for the God that You are.
A God who gave the ultimate sacrifice for us,
A God who longs to hear from us and have a personal relationship with us,
A God who delights in creating beauty for us and bringing love into our lives,
The love we experience being only a glimpse into what Your love looks like.

God, we thank you for Sarah and Jon.
We ask that You guide them on their journey together.
Lord, help them to remember to put You first in their lives.
Remind them that love is not a feeling, but a commitment first to You and then to each other.
Bless this union abundantly.

God, for this evening we are thankful.
You have provided abundantly for us.
This place, these people, this food.
We owe it all to You and receive all that You give with thanksgiving.
May we use it to Your service and to Your glory,
That we may be an accurate estimation of who You are.

In Your Son's holy name, Jesus.
Amen

Life cycle

Have you ever listened to the sound of tennis shoes in the dryer? I mean, really listened? Thump. Tha-thump. Da-da-dump. Banging and thumping around? Slightly unnerving and completely nonrhythmic. At times you think they have hit their mark, creating a steady beat and pace. And then, something trips them up and they go right back to the slamming and clashing against the drum of the dryer.

I listened to this noise for about 30 minutes today and recognized that my life has been a bit like banging around a hot, uncomfortable place lately. Every time I turn around it seems that there is another bump to crash into. As the hot air is forced through me, I am enduring bruises in order to mold me into what I am supposed to be. But that is life, right?

Strangely, it was a comforting sound. I realized that like the dryer cycle, this too shall pass. It won't last forever. The final buzzer of this cycle will sound. It won't last forever. Then, I will be cleaner, better and ready to hit the ground running.

Give it Away Part 2

And I quote:

"I ask...God forgive me. I am ready and willing, in prayer and meditation, to give it all away for You."

What the heck was I thinking writing that? Not that it was insincere, because I meant every word at the time I wrote it. But, did I really think through the possible ramifications of that statement? Ummmm....no!

As evident in my blog posts and other writings over the last couple of months, I have been put to the fire, tested, drawn out, worked over, revealed, pushed, and I might just go so far as to us the big "s" word. I have suffered. I thought it just couldn't get any worse, and frankly the last couple of weeks I appeared to rebound. I likened it to a faucet that was abruptly turned off. All the gunk coming at me was shut-off like a switch. Life moved back into its routine and rhythm and I had a brief moment of peace. And, then, I had to go write something like that.

Now, I know this hasn't been a physical suffering, at least not at age 37. Only a fraction would even notice that all of this cesspool has been churning inside me. I have learned well and fast that suffering can never compared. And, always, I mean always you can find someone that is "suffering" more more than you. But in my own life, this is the low of lows. The challenge of challenges. The reveal and pain of reveals and pains. And so, to not say it is suffering for me would be denying all that I am dealing with. I am done with denial.

I like to stuff things down. I am a stuffer. Well, maybe not completely, but on the really painful stuff, oh yeah. It is easy as pie to cram it into a box, superglue it and leave in the back recess of your mind. You know, it can sit there for years, not bothering anyone. At least you have yourself convinced it is gone, over with, done. But actually, it is oozing out of that little box and slowly infiltrating other parts of your life. What you don't realize is how that goo starts crawling and creeping until everything in your brain, your experiences, your relationships - ALL of it is tainted by it. In the end, you can't view anything you are connected to without those slime-covered glasses. And, because you have to wear those glasses every day, you have now bought all the lies - hook, line and sinker.

Yeah, I know all the lines. Time will heal. God is with you. He won't give you more than you can handle (which is not in the bible, by the way). He will use this to grow you, etc. etc. etc. Well, at the moment, I think I have had all the growth that I can deal with for a while. Maybe this is blasphemous and I don't mean for it to be. I am just being very honest and true to what I am feeling.

Frankly, I am not finding much comfort in this dark cavern where I find myself residing. It's going to be a long, long road out of this place. At least He has made it very, very clear that the timing is right for all of this. And, I know He is providing the flashlight for the way out. But, it is still very scary. I can't see the end, only what is right in front of me. I keep tripping and stumbling over rocks, groping for something to hold onto and everything seems to covered in that cold slime from my past. Did I really give it all away for this? Oh, I am ready for the end of this journey!

Blessings

Although it seems like yesterday that I did a "blessings in my life" post, life has thrown me an incredible curve ball and I am inclined to do it again.

1) Our business continues to grow in a year of job loss, economic downturn and dismal news. CNN could take a lesson and NOT go to commercial break with the following line, "Back in a moment with more grim stories." Ours is a niche market that actually does as well in down times as in up. But still, I salute my hard-working, stressed to the max husband, who slaves at this business from the moment he wakes to the moment he goes to sleep.

2) We are striving to play together as a family again. It takes serious planning and effort to do this. We joined the YWCA in town and have made the commitment to go once during the weekend and once during the week, together, all 5 of us, swimming. It has brought laughter and smiles. And, we all love the feeling of getting the blood flowing again in the form of exercise. Slothful weekend living...BE GONE!

3) We are going skiing this weekend. Right now, there are several things that do not bode well for this trip. It is supposed to rain, not snow, most of the weekend. The family that is going with us has sick children - one very sick one, too. And, without going into too many details, I am not quite mentally focused either. But, I will be thankful because of the opportunity and know that whatever happens, well, is supposed to happen. We are going as a family. It will be fun.

4) My little grandfather, in the latter stages of Alzheimer's, is holding his own in the hospital with a bout of pneumonia. I haven't seen him mutter a noise in a while, nor have his eyes open. I am thankful that when I went to visit him this morning, he opened his eyes, looked at me and made the attempt to speak. It was completely unintelligible, but I would like to believe he was saying hello, asking what I had been up to and complimenting little Lily who had accompanied me.

5) A reconnect with a friend of Ansley's in college brought me joy this week.

6) That I have friends far and near who I love and who love me.

7) Despite what I feel is a day of reckoning for me, that I can see glimpses of His mark all over it.

8) Noggin. I know, I am reaching here to put a tv channel in my list of blessings, but when you are mentally preoccupied, at least there is something your child can watch that she loves and you feel ok about. I will declare that their slogan, "It's like preschool on television," is a farce, but hey, it does make it a bit more palatable.

9) Ridiculously large volcano-shaped chocolate brownie (3 packages worth), covered with thick, rich chocolate icing, and snow-white icing peak. We won it at the cub scouts' dessert auction. Each time I walk by it on the kitchen counter, I take a bite with the fork that rests permanently on the side of the platter.

10) TobyMac. He speaks to my heart these days. I took E & S to Winter Jam last Saturday night. It was their first concert. He was the headliner. Some time ago, I think that man walked in a pair of shoes that seem to be perfectly fitted for me these days. I am thankful for his obedience to sing for Him. And thus, he is a blessing me.

Bonus blessing...this is my 200th post! A milestone, I believe, for me.

I could stand to hear how you are thankful for what is in your life - no matter how trivial it may seem. I need some other perspectives, please.

Give It Away

A friend's father passed away last summer. It was after a long, drawn-out and painful battle with pancreatic cancer. He spent the last 6 months simply wasting away. Her father remarried many years ago to a lovely woman. And, for the most part the entire family got along quite amicably. That is, until he died.

What seems to be at the heart of the disagreement is that her father left everything to his new wife. Now, let me make this very clear, my friend and her two siblings could care less about money or even the bulk of the possessions. However, they want something, a small trinket of their father to remember him by. Additionally, these items might consist of birthday gifts, possessions that were directly linked to their life before she entered the picture and or even connected to his genealogy which should have no value to her. And yet, she is completely unwilling to part with anything, and certainly not these few pieces requested by my friend and her family.

I pondered this predicament. It makes me very sad for all of them. But it also brought to mind what I am unwilling to let go. What am I holding on to for some misplaced security or simply out of fear that should conjure up the same feelings of sadness about the state of my own soul?

In my early walk with Christianity, part of my hold out on believing in Jesus was that I felt I had to give up my old life. All the things that I held dear were now against the law, or so I thought. And, I wasn't ready to let them go. Life was not going to be enjoyable. I started my walk on some ridiculous tight rope of piety. But, as I grew in my faith, I began to understand how unimportant these things were to God. And, how much more important relationships are. When I recognized the traps of performance I jumped off the tight rope, landed in the net and started walking on solid ground. It was painless and superbly easy. As Paul says in Philippians, "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things."

My advice to my friend was to just give it more time. She should make a kind request to her father's wife to please not dispose of his things without giving the children a chance to pilfer through. She may not know of a special memory tied to an item. And, for my friend, as time passes, the significance of the clock, the photo, the books, will diminish. I am certain that as the grief is dealt with, it will be easier for his wife to give it away, too.

I encourage each of us to look deeper into ourselves to what we are clutching so desperately to that is of this world. Possibly we are holding onto something that we aren't fully aware of its existence. It is so ingrained and embedded from years of this practice or behavior, we don't know it at all.

Like an onion, the outer layers of ourselves are dry and brittle, easy to peel and discard. In fact, they almost come off themselves. The early years of believing are like that, I think. Easy transformation, little knowledge. But as you get closer and closer to the heart of the onion, the layers are tighter, tougher, more compacted and unified to the core.

Somewhere over the last year, I reached a point where I thought, well, I have dealt with a lot of those transgressions and the sins that held me hostage. Those chains don't hold me anymore. I am in pretty good shape. And then, God used people and circumstances to force the examination of layers around my heart once again. Those layers that separate me from the fullness of His love and grace.

I have walked a few years as a believer, some 12-13 years. As I journey this road, I have discovered that to relinquish more and more of myself is increasingly difficult. Rather than deal head-on with what God brought into the light, I chose to walk away. I found myself trying to find those old peels, searching through the stinking filth of the wastebasket because it was just a bit more comfortable than facing the truest part of myself.

But there is no walking, skipping, or running away. Those old peels will never feel good again. I ask...God forgive me. I am ready and willing, in prayer and meditation, to give it all away for You.

Signs of a Lighter Heart

A tough week last week. I didn't write much, didn't think much past my own sorrow. I am working on getting back into the groove this week. Much of the sadness is behind me which actually is very interesting. I mean, does a passing day really make that much difference? Topic for future post.

A habit I am trying to establish is to make a list of what brings me happiness and joy on a regular basis. Focusing on the positive, not the negative. Gains instead of losses. God's blessings even if small. And so...here it is:

1. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. I recently heard this song on the radio and not only did it pump me up in a major way, it brought back a flood of wonderful memories of my year in the Netherlands with a group of girls (I call all my friend girls) that are still very close to my heart. That song was our mantra while being immersed in a different culture, far from home and families. A remix of the song was very popular in the bars that year and so we belted it out regularly. But, this time I also heard myself singing it in a new light. Instead of singing this to my independent spirit (the original intent by Ms. Gaynor), I sang this song to my grief, loneliness and depression which seemed to appear with such force I was knocked to the ground. Here is a snippet of the lyrics for those that don't remember.

and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

2. Loving little Dixie, our dachshund puppy. She has brought such delight to my day, despite the lack to total house training and even a bout of vomiting. I could let her sleep with me, curled up, every night. I just found her snoozing on top of a laundry basket full of dirty clothes sitting in the sunlight.

3. A scarf. I received this scarf just the other day. It is made from Ansley's clothes. The first Christmas after her death, I had a lady make Colby and Gray quilts of their mother's clothing. Anyone who knew Ansley is well aware of her eclectic and fashion-forward taste in clothing. The quilts were amazing. There was enough material left for 3 more quilts so intended to have more made for my own 3. Last week the quilts arrived along with several surprises - 2 teddy bears and 2 scarves. They are gorgeous and I think my new wardrobe will consist mainly of blues and browns in order to wear the scarf every day.

4. My little Sadie, with her two front teeth missing. I can't look at her without smiling, no matter what is coming out of her mouth. Well, almost.

5. My little Lily's acceptance of a new discipline technique, the marble jars. Thanks, Beth, for that suggestion. She is working so hard at changing her whining, crying and fit throwing. I am amazed at the changes in a mere 4 days. Chuck E. Cheese, here we come. Ok, so that is NOT on my list of happy thoughts, but it is her reward once the jar is full of marbles.

6. My little Ethan's request to snuggle, even at age 8. I went out of town for the night on Valentine's Day. Upon my return, he just wanted to sit close to me with his head on my shoulder and talk.

7. My friends. Yes, you! What an outpouring of thoughts, well-wishes and love on Friday. I felt very, very blessed and loved on a day when I was floundering in the deep. Never underestimate the impact this can have on someone.

8. Peanut Butter pie. Had a divine slice at the beach. Whipped, light, pb mousse with an oreo cookie crust, topped with chocolate morsels. Sinful.

9. The squirrel is OUTTA HERE! A week ago Jay fixed the squirrel cage to a wooden squirrel box he had fastened to a tree. We let the squirrel get acclimated to his new surroundings for a week. On Saturday, Jay removed the bottom of the cage so the squirrel would be able to roam, forage and most likely get eaten at his leisure. I know, I am terrible.

10. And, finally, but not least by any measure, my forgiveness. Over the past several months I have allowed my mind to move away from Him and onto earthly things. It has been more than a struggle. It has been soul wrenching. I brought it to Him over the weekend and well, you guys know. I am back in the fold. Still working out the details, but definitely moving back to where I need to be. God is good!

That's Just How I Roll...

I recall Jay telling me a funny exchange he had with Ethan. Ethan must have been doing some odd-ball behavior in the car. Nothing wrong, just silly. Jay asked him why he was doing that. Ethan responded, "That's just how I roll, Dad. Just... how... I roll."

I have no idea why that conversation that occurred many months ago wound up in my head on the drive home from yet another Pump It Up birthday party, but it did. And, as usual, I started thinking about that quirky little catch phrase of 2008. So just how am I rolling?

Well, today, not very well. I don't handle disappointment. Period. I easily let others' actions dictate my emotions. Ouch and shame on me. And, when I set my heart on a particular course, well, it doesn't change direction easily. Though circumstances are always out of my control, I cling to some earthly notion that I have some sort of clout. I wonder at what point in life, someone with my disposition can refrain from any outward hissy fit throwing, control the inner sadness and disappointment and just let it roll off my back.

I know the answer to that question. It is a peace in knowing that God is in control. Knowing that what comes my way is not only purposed, but perfect. His timing, His plan, His will. Oh, but to put it into practice.

My rolling is not His rolling and I need to come to grips with that. Again.

Happy or Holy

In my never-ending quest to understand marriage and God's design for it, I toss out the following for discussion - and I want discussion, please.

Marriage is not designed to make you happy, but to make you holy.
Marriage is all about sacrifice.
Marriage is not 50-50, but each giving 100.
We have no "rights" in this world as God is sovereign.

For me, the second and third are a given, but I am really struggling with the first statement. Well, ok, a bit with the last one, too. In another season, I would have said, "Sure, without a doubt, yeah." But, that season was smooth, easy sailing, along slow-moving waters. And, now, I see other marriages, and a tad of mine too, with turbulent times, tough painful decisions, lack of understanding, and disappointments.

I can maybe believe statement number 1 when I put it under the context of suffering. And, I am not suffering. Not in comparison of others. Suffering can be our time of greatest growth, our time of a closeness to Him, a reliance so incredible that after it is over, we would almost welcome the suffering again if only to experience Him at that level again. I recall a story about a man who lost his wife and child in an automobile accident. It took a very long time for him to recover, obviously. But in the end, his comment was that he almost felt sorry for someone who had not dealt with that level of loss because they would not have felt Him, experienced Him, breathed Him in and had total reliance on Him as he had. Heavy.

In my own life, there was a period of time at the end of Ansley's journey, when I did not walk on my own. I was being carried. It was unlike anything I ever had felt before. I described it as a wind tunnel. I was clinging to the edge, the wind was very strong and forceful and it was from God. Everything that was being thrown at me was just blown away by His breath. I was never terrified or worried because I was surrounded by Him, His Holy Spirit. I long for that again.

I can also believe that statement when I think about our emotions. They are unreliable, ever-changing and fleeting. Feelings change from day to day, but only the word of God remains true. Happiness comes from this world, but joy, ahh, that is a different thing altogether. True lasting joy comes from Him and Him alone. A level that is unobtainable from anything on this world. Therefore, if our focus is on Him, never wavering, does it really matter if we are "unhappy?"

But given the context of humanity and all of its sin, when do we have the "right" to stand-up for ourselves. Is there a clear, biblical line that delineates what man can do to another? I live by the mantra "die to self." Fail daily at it, but still believe it. And I understand that life on this earth is a blink of eye in light of eternity, therefore, does any of it really, really matter? God forgave Israel over and over and over. Being submissive and being a doormat...where is the proverbial line in the sand?

Think about it. Let me know your thoughts. Right underneath this post is the word, "comment." Please use it today. Thanks.

Set the World on Fire

Second post for today, but I just couldn't help myself.

When I opened up my blog several months ago, I knew that I might be setting myself up for negativity, or worse, apathy. However, upon receiving some encouragement, I decided to actually solicit my friends to glance over it. I had hoped to get some dialogue going and well, that hasn't happened too much. On the flip side, what has happened, much to my utter surprise, has been well, cry-inducing, speechless rendering, stun creating...compliments. Seriously, people, I am so completely undeserving, but derive much pleasure in the fact that you get any amount of enjoyment out of reading my blather!

Everyone has a little dream that they keep a candle burning for. I can't say I have always wanted to be a writer. Growing up I have kept journals (now those are hilarious), but only in the last three or four years, has it become a flame in my heart. I just, at this moment, realized the beginning in all of this for me. Wow. It was Ansley. It was those email updates I kept going for three years about her condition and ultimately her death. Just another lasting mark on my life that she made. Ok, I am crying now. I love her.

This morning, I heard a song on a new CD I bought recently. I had heard the song on the radio but never really listened to the lyrics. It is a great song and despite what even I perceive as a bit cheesy, I will post the lyrics and a link to hear the song.

"Set the World On Fire" by Britt Nicole.

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it`s burning bright for You
It`s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There`s nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father`s hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

I`m gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

I hesitate to even write about this. My thoughts are - I am not a writer, what if I am humiliated, embarrassed by this post next year when I have failed, who do I think I am, do I have the nerve to actually write this down for the world to read?, is this really just pride?, what about the reaction of others who are much better writers, just who do I think I am? Basically, a lot of doubt. But here I go...into the DEEP. Please hang on with me, ok?

My prayer is that if this is God's will for me, that He will continue to keep this flame burning, that He will open doors to those that need to hear, that I may have the support from those near me, that my words will be authentic and real about a journey with Him - the triumphs, the failures, the mountain tops and the desert wanderings, and even the every day. I want to be used to His glory, an accurate estimation of who He is, not me, but Him. May you find inspiration in this song today - each one of us can set it on fire for Him...only because of Him.