Anxiously, she sat on the edge of her seat, scanning to see a sign of him. She looked back at me excitedly, "I think I see him!"  She looked back to confirm her discovery only to turn and say, "No, that isn't him."  It must have felt like eternity for her,  the parking lot for a sign of his arrival. 

Her eyes lit up, her face broke a grin that was larger than her face and she ran to him as he sauntered down the sidewalk to our table.  She lept into his arms, warping her lithe legs around his, clinging to him as if she would never let him go.

An answer to "instability"

A little over a month ago I wrote this post. 

I received many responses from the post, mostly out of concern.  First, let me say that sometimes you just need to vent.  A raw, realistic view of my anger and feelings of defeat were in that post.  I surmise that most people experience such reactions to the world at some point.  However, one thing that I did not clarify in the post was the cause of my ire and what provoked the rant.

It was me. I alone am responsible for my reaction to circumstances.  No matter how warranted it is perceived, it isn't correct if it is a sinful reaction.  The world should be able to bang on my door, barge right on in, taint everything around me, yet, not penetrate my soul.  I let it.  I don't blame anyone but myself.  I am a sinner.  I allowed my response to not be Godly, not at all.  I reacted very, very poorly.  I wish I could take it away and claim that I rose above it all, but I can't.  I mired in it, rolled around in it, stepped into the pit and stunk.

My complete meltdown was a result of realizing my failure, once again.  My anger was pointed straight into my heart.  I long for the return of Jesus so that this will end once and for all. PRAISE GOD earth is the closest to hell that I will ever see.

Maybe I could have held strong had it not been for the depression that has been lurking around, sometimes wrecking havoc in my brain for several years now. Nah.  Couldn't have done it at all without Him.  He wasn't placed first in all of this.  I took control, unfortunately.

Having confessed my heart to God and getting right with Him, meeting with my doctor, and taking some time away from the daily grind has turned my path.  My daily prayer is full of repentance. I am a sinner, but my heart desires not to be a repeat offender.

I may be called instable because of what I have written, but you know, I don't mind. Being truthful and real, confessing my sins and my failures, acknowledging my constant need for Jesus opens me up to judgement.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9


"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NIV)


Know that you can be renewed and transformed through the God, but it takes humility in order for these experiences to take place. Human pride often blocks our dealing with painful problems. Once we finally admit our wrongdoings and failures, there can be a real solution for us. Humbling ourselves before God is the ultimate key that will allow us to experience the wonderful comfort that only the Almighty One can provide.

First quarter down.  School-wise, that is.  Homeschool is moving along quite well.  I couldn't be more thrilled with the results.  My relationship with Sadie has transformed; she has transformed into a much more mature, wise-choosing, sensitive little girl.  I still see some spiritedness when in groups of kids, but even in that area she has settled down.  Most days she tackles her school work with enthusiasm and is genuinely content with our arrangement this year.  Not to say that every day is that way, but mostly the frustration and refusals are short- lived.  Often she moves on with a nice apology and moves on.  She has written some amazing pieces including a compare/contrast between her life and Abe Lincoln's life. 

Our biggest battle this year has been swimming.  However, the last two weeks there has been a drastic change in attitude and focus.  I see determination in her spirit again.  I am most encouraged by the work she is putting into practice. 

I wonder if Sadie will always try to find a battle in her life.  Even if it is her desire to participate in an activity or be asked to participate, will she show resistance in order to feel that she has all of the control?  Moving forward in obedience means letting someone else have the reigns.  Although what I am writing is regrading earthly circumstances, it also is quite applicable to a spiritual journey as well.  May the love of her Father and her love for Him break what is a naturally rebellious spirit.

As for me...I have found stability.  For the past three-four weeks, I have had no mood swings, no spiraling, no emotional pits.  What previously made me obsessive, paranoid and cantankerous has little effect on me now.  I am starting to feel like my old self again.  Thank you to the makers of Lexapro. I know this is not a long-term solution, but a first step in conquering what I now know is depression.  Not to mention, it has me back into the word.  WORD! I love how God puts such a clear path of truth in front of me and encourages me. 

A nice anniversary trip with my husband to a tropical destination didn't hurt the cause either.  Ok, calling it nice is the most gross understatement of my life.  It was the best trip I have ever taken.  Ever.  Jay and I relive it every day after he gets home from work. He is constantly looking at how to move there (completely unrealistic).  I know that it has been years, maybe even never, since I have been that relaxed, unwound, de-stressed.  Perfect in every single way.

The big eye opener to the trip was the 5 page typed document that I had to leave with the caretakers of my children in my absence.  Yes.  FIVE PAGES.  It was the schedule I keep each with with school, various after school stuff, key information, bags to pack, soccer games, swim schedules, etc.  My mother actually sounded extremely irritated when she looked over the list.  Not that she minded helping out or that it was too taxing for her, but that I have created such a schedule for me and my family.  I can't help but examine whether her shock (along with my father's shock who also helped out) is valid or if she is coming from a generation's perspective that included a one-car family early on, a lack of sport activities for children, low-stress schooling for children (i.e. no homework in elementary), or if it is from the perspective of a grandmother who is retired.  Not that she doesn't stay busy, but her schedule is nearly all at her own discretion.  Or, have I really created a monster?  Do we all feel like we are scrambling as mothers today?  Why do we do it? 

Another day...

Things I have learned in the last week or so...

1.  A trip to the beach with a couple of girlfriends can drastically change the direction in which you are going.

2.  I had a friend tell me that she did not know one homeschooling mom who did not have a complete crisis during their first year, regardless of how the year was going.  Makes sense to me.  There is a lot of under the surface stress in that department.

3.  I don't have to accomplish anything big for God. I just have to love Him.  Sometimes stillness and quiet are good things. Sometimes loving God and loving my neighbor happens to be with those who are with me every day.  I have to be ok with that.

4.  Despite previous diagnosis of teeth grinding, poor eyesight (resulting in glasses), sinus infections, and allergies, the new most logical diagnosis for my forehead, eye throbbing, and cheek numbness is a type a migraine.  Here's to some new meds while I start documenting their occurrences.

5.  A doctor who is willing to tell you a very personal story about their own bout with depression and spiraling emotions to help you not feel alone in your misery is the type of doctor I want to see.

6.  My husband that can make me laugh no matter how terrible I feel physically, how irritated I am at him, or how on the verge of bawling I am, is a keeper.  Twelve years and I can say...he is a keeper.

7.  On that same note as saying he is a keeper, I can also state that no matter how minuscule, simplified or even common sense filled the list might be, Jay is never going to complete any "to do" list that I make when I go out of town.  I will never write such a list again.  It is a waste of my time and energy.

8.  Keeping my mouth shut and walking away is always, always, the better decision in the long run.  Let the battle be the Lord's. 

9.  Lily is becoming quite the comedian.  Funny little looks and clever little statements.  Keeps me smiling.  What a little joy.

10.  Although she can come across as being a bit ditsy, Lily is actually quite aware of what is going around her, what is on the calendar and when things are due. 

11.  Ethan can exaggerate social situations for fear of rejection.  His own recognition of such is quite mature for him.  He is such a deep thinker. 

12.  Ethan is very determined to stay on track and focused at school and his outside activities.  I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but I see him taking more initiative than in years past.

13.  Sadie will never be allowed to take prednisone again after tomorrow. Never. 

14.  Homeschooling is still the best decision I could have ever made. 

15. Sadie is a lovely little girl (while not taking prednisone).  Her multiple phone calls while I was away made me realize how much we have grown to enjoy each other's company.  I think we missed each other more than we had anticipated.

16.  No matter how disappointed I am because of my own actions and those that I must deal with, my children and my husband are more than enough reason to never give up.

I have not slept well in several days.  By that, I mean only a couple of hours each night and those have been fitful.  I have had had 4 dreams in the past week that my children and/or I have been diagnosed with cancer. Throw in multiple conflicts, emotional spiraling, the loss of another one to cancer and that equals one very downtrodden person.  Make that depressed.  Never have I been so ready for Jesus to return.  I am tired of life on this earth.  I hate it.  I have failed, continued to fail, and I never seem to move past the same cycle of failure.  Retreat I must.  No words of encouragement here.  No signs of victory evident.  No shouting off the rooftops.  Just done. 

Remember This...

I am actually doing it.  I am homeschooling one of my children.  The very child I said would be the last one I would ever choose to homeschool, which I never planned to do for any of my kids anyway.  The very child that never evoked sadness when I left her at a new adventure.  The very child that exposed every sinful fiber of my being. The very child that has challenged much of what I thought I knew about myself.  The very child that seemed more alien to me than familial.

After two days, yes, only two days, I can say...I love this.  I love this child. I love this decision. I love where it is taking me and I love what I see blooming between us.  I don't recall having received so many "I love you" notes in such a short time.  She actually said, "I can't believe you are doing all of this for me."  Our time together has been precious.  PRECIOUS!

Now, I am a realist.  I know this is the honeymoon stage and that by October I will be seriously rethinking my decision.  I will have this blog post to remind me of what I saw in these early days that filled me to the brim. 

This year is about us - more than anything academic.  It is about repairing my previously deteriorating, hurtful and always on the verge of exploding relationship with my daughter.  My eyes are full of tears as I type this.  Thank you, God, for this opportunity.  Thank you for taking my once very stubborn and hardened heart and transforming it to your will.

I had a discussion with a friend last week that left me pondering this question in the midst of life just not feeling right. Is my discontent with life based on a) rose-tinted view of the past, or b)  the realization that what I am experiencing is simply the way life normally is and I have just been fortunate no to have experienced it in this way, or c) am I just chemically unbalanced at the moment?

I liken what I have been feeling to wearing a pair of panty hose that is just one size too small with the elastic worn out at the top. Yeah, it is that uncomfortable.  You know what I am talking about...you get it up to your waist, or above your waist for those that are so blessed to be short-waisted.  Drag the legs up so that the crotch finally fits into place and continue to get dressed.  At the beginning of your day, the pantyhose feels pretty good.  It keeps your legs a little warm, evens out the color in your legs, maybe even hides a varicose vein or so.  But then, as you walk about your day, the hose begins to sag.  First, the waist rolls down, then inches toward your hips, dragging your panties with it (exempt only if you wear a thong).  The crotch is the next to go sliding down your thighs until it is nearly at your knees,greatly limiting your stride.It gives me shudders just remembering that feeling. You head to the bathroom to try to repair it and while grabbing at it to pull it up, your fingers thrust through the woven elastic, ripping a finger-sizes hole and causing them to run.  Thus, you further ruined something you were already really struggling with anyway.

It took this Sunday at church to give me my answer.  I realized that issue of my daily grind being a bit irritating was not a, b, or c, but because I have been trying to fit into something that really isn't me at all.  I have been wearing a pair of hose the size and fit of which initially gave me a "warm fuzzy."  But as time progressed, that hose became my enemy, dragging me down, leaving me frustrated.  It left me constantly trying to make it stay in place, perfectly stretched to my frame  Conclusion? I had been conned.  It was and will never, ever going to work.

I have been living in the world. As a result, I kept trying to use my own strength to get me through some tough emotions, just like trying to make that dreadful pantyhose stay in place.  Guess what?  I ruined it. It hasn't been comfortable and trying even harder to make it work has ultimately ruined quite a few things.