Tuesday, October 19, 2010

First quarter down.  School-wise, that is.  Homeschool is moving along quite well.  I couldn't be more thrilled with the results.  My relationship with Sadie has transformed; she has transformed into a much more mature, wise-choosing, sensitive little girl.  I still see some spiritedness when in groups of kids, but even in that area she has settled down.  Most days she tackles her school work with enthusiasm and is genuinely content with our arrangement this year.  Not to say that every day is that way, but mostly the frustration and refusals are short- lived.  Often she moves on with a nice apology and moves on.  She has written some amazing pieces including a compare/contrast between her life and Abe Lincoln's life. 

Our biggest battle this year has been swimming.  However, the last two weeks there has been a drastic change in attitude and focus.  I see determination in her spirit again.  I am most encouraged by the work she is putting into practice. 

I wonder if Sadie will always try to find a battle in her life.  Even if it is her desire to participate in an activity or be asked to participate, will she show resistance in order to feel that she has all of the control?  Moving forward in obedience means letting someone else have the reigns.  Although what I am writing is regrading earthly circumstances, it also is quite applicable to a spiritual journey as well.  May the love of her Father and her love for Him break what is a naturally rebellious spirit.

As for me...I have found stability.  For the past three-four weeks, I have had no mood swings, no spiraling, no emotional pits.  What previously made me obsessive, paranoid and cantankerous has little effect on me now.  I am starting to feel like my old self again.  Thank you to the makers of Lexapro. I know this is not a long-term solution, but a first step in conquering what I now know is depression.  Not to mention, it has me back into the word.  WORD! I love how God puts such a clear path of truth in front of me and encourages me. 

A nice anniversary trip with my husband to a tropical destination didn't hurt the cause either.  Ok, calling it nice is the most gross understatement of my life.  It was the best trip I have ever taken.  Ever.  Jay and I relive it every day after he gets home from work. He is constantly looking at how to move there (completely unrealistic).  I know that it has been years, maybe even never, since I have been that relaxed, unwound, de-stressed.  Perfect in every single way.

The big eye opener to the trip was the 5 page typed document that I had to leave with the caretakers of my children in my absence.  Yes.  FIVE PAGES.  It was the schedule I keep each with with school, various after school stuff, key information, bags to pack, soccer games, swim schedules, etc.  My mother actually sounded extremely irritated when she looked over the list.  Not that she minded helping out or that it was too taxing for her, but that I have created such a schedule for me and my family.  I can't help but examine whether her shock (along with my father's shock who also helped out) is valid or if she is coming from a generation's perspective that included a one-car family early on, a lack of sport activities for children, low-stress schooling for children (i.e. no homework in elementary), or if it is from the perspective of a grandmother who is retired.  Not that she doesn't stay busy, but her schedule is nearly all at her own discretion.  Or, have I really created a monster?  Do we all feel like we are scrambling as mothers today?  Why do we do it? 

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