1989

Dear Class of 1989,

We were told we were a very unique class, one of the largest, yet, one of the brightest, ambitious and most importantly closest class to pass through our school in a while. We were brought together as a class, because of where our parents chose to raise us. Fates of geography. Due to the stagnant and consistent nature of our school's rural, farming area, most of us found each other early in our school years. And, we remained together with little change except for hair styles until graduation. So, what happens after a 20 year separation?

With the advent of facebook, I am reconnected with people I last remember having hair that defied gravity and acid wash jeans, girls who swooned over George Michael and guys who banged it out to Guns n' Roses. People that seemed to have been frozen in time in my mind as they were then - when our only focus was getting out of there and moving on with life.

A few of you, I spoke only a few words to over those years. I missed out on your strengths and experiences. I didn't see what our teachers obviously did. I regret that.

What has happened to you during these 20 years? I wonder how closely you are to that person who walked out of those doors some years ago. Marriages, divorces, children - born and lost, weight loss and weight gain, hair loss and dare I say, hair gain. I am sure there has been death, grief and heartaches, along with joys and celebrations. Dreams realized, dreams forgotten, dreams unfulfilled. Religious experiences, talents revealed, worldly travels, evolving careers and most assuredly, a quest to understand our purpose on this planet. All of that molding you into who you are now.

I know that through life's triumphs and trials, I have shed most of my insecurities that inhibited me from reaching out to others during those last 4 years of teenage torture. I see very little of that person who walked those halls, terrified of the critical eye of others which parlayed itself into some sort of falsely perceived snobbery. And, as much as we thought we knew each other then, I wonder how that is possible. How could we have ever really known each other if we didn't know who we were ourselves?

But now, it is time to reunite. A group of people brought together for their education. Shared experiences during the most tumultuous times of our lives. But why have this reunion? To relive the laughter, the tears, the highs and the lows - not only of those school years, but to share what life has thrown at us since. May we enter with compassion and less judgment and open ourselves to learn what each of us brings to the mighty class of '89.

Trapping the Giants

This morning, I was sitting at the kitchen counter, finishing up my rather large travel mug of coffee and checking in on some of my favorite blogs. I glanced over at the floor in front of the sofa and noticed a large, littered pile of dental floss. It made me smile at a memory of my precocious little Sadie.

Years ago, when she was a bit over 3, I recall coming out of my bedroom from feeding baby Lily to find a maze of dental floss running throughout our house - upstairs, around door knobs, down the stairs and through the railings, under the sofa, into the kitchen, around cabinet knobs and winding through the bar stools. Who knew all that floss in that little itty bitty container was soooooooo long?

"Oh Saaa-dieeeeee..... What is all of this?" I said with some perplexity and irritation.
"Mommy. I made a trap to catch the giants," she replied.

Clever, Creative, Curious. My little Sadie.

Quick Takes

Lily: Mommy, get that bowl. It is a-hind you.
Me: What?
Lily: A-hind you, that bowl.
Me: Lily, it is "behind" you.
Lily: Ok, that bowl is "a-be-hind" you.

Ethan: (sitting beside me on the sofa) Mommy, your neck is so soft.
Me: That is a little random, Ethan. But, thanks, I guess.

There has been much discussion about the neighbor's puppies as of late. Naturally, this topic includes the creation of the puppies. And, so, this is Ethan's reasoning at age 8.

Ethan: How are the puppies 1/2 beagle and 1/2 dachshund?
Me: Well, Dixie is the mom and Boom-Boom is the dad.
Ethan: Oh, so, they decided to get married and then had puppies?
Me: Ummmm, yeah.
A few days later, he explained this to one of our carpoolers on the way to school. "See, they got married and then had puppies." I'll let him just go with that for the time being. I have no idea how he thinks they got married (did they have a little dog ceremony or what?). I am just not prepared to provide any more details/corrections at the present.

We are planning a family trip to go skiing in a couple weeks. It will be the first time for the girls, as Ethan has been with scouts. It dawned on me that Lily has no clue what we are talking about. She just knows she wants to go. After every requested task I ask of her, she asks me, "And then we are going skiing?" At which I reply, "No, that is in a couple of weeks." Then she cries like I have told her I don't love her anymore. We repeat this exhausting cycle about 8 times a day. Despite my numerous attempts at trying to explain the trip planning process, the time it takes to travel to the mountains and even just the plain old calendar, she just does not get it.

Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

A little list of favorite things today. Unlike Oprah, I will not be giving away one of each of these to each of my "viewers" nor are they shameless plugs for my "sponsors" So, what little things have brought me a little smile, an added step in my stride and of which I am thankful?

1. My new 2009 Cooking Light cookbook. I made braised Chinese spare ribs, Thai chicken and some chipotle chicken burgers. Has brought me back to how much I love to be in the kitchen.

2. Jeff Buckley. Period. The more I listen to his music, the more I am enraptured. What took me so long to hear this? Why isn't everyone listening to him?

3. Marvelous bath bubble stuff my neighbor gave me for Christmas. Sweet, yet not overpowering. I feel like I am at a luxurious spa when I use it. Finding that I am spending a lot more time in the bathtub these days (even in the middle of the day!).

4. Writing. I must be in the zone. Not that the writing has been all that noteworthy, but it has been satisfactory to my heart. I resolved myself to blog the first 30 days of the year and have enjoyed every minute of it. Enjoying the idea, just the inkling of a notion, of taking a writing course. Mulling it over, just letting it sort of sit and marinate a bit in my mind.

5. New friends, old friends. Yay for facebook! I have reconnected with friends that I never forgot in my heart, but in this period of life had. Remembering them has been sweet.

6. The white paper narcissus that my mom gave me on Christmas Day. It has finally bloomed and it is just divine.

7. My beloved Rock Band drums. Who knew that in the depths of my soul there was a drum set beating, just waiting to get out!

8. Puppies. Our very eclectic, somewhat eccentric neighbor, Jerry, has some puppies. They are the blend of Dixie, the beagle, and Boom-Boom, the dachshund. We take frequent trips over to just get some love. They are beyond adorable with their fat little paws, puppy bellies and little whimpers. They only want to be held and we are much too eager to oblige.

What brings you a little smile today? Have you thanked someone for it?

Handle What?

There is an oft quoted line - God only gives you what you can handle. I so absolutely disagree with that statement. It is not biblical as far as I have found. What I have found is that God DOES bring tragic situations into your life that YOU can NOT handle, because He wants to show you how HE can.

Giving It Your Best

Each morning when I am in the morning drop-off line for school, I give a quick prayer on behalf of the kids. For Ethan it usually focuses on "patience when paying attention to the details," for Sadie it is for help in making good choices and for Lily it is for help to "stay on green" and be kind to her friends. It usually ends something along the lines of hoping that we may be lights for Him in time of darkness and that we may give Him our best in every thing that we do.

I honed in on that line this morning - "giving Him our best." I mean, I say it so often that it has almost become commonplace. A bit sad. It struck me that giving Him our best is really just giving back to Him what he has already given to us - His gifts to us.

Dear friend, I know you are at a crossroads in your life. There is no doubt that you are wallowing in the unknown and that these are low times. The realities of life are rearing their collective ugly heads and you are forced to look at them squarely in the eyes. The future, as you can see, is full of unhappiness, terrible turmoil and anxiety and you can not see a way out of this suffocating darkness. It is scary.

But you are here at these crossroads for a reason. Your journey, mapped out by God, includes this position on the plat. My friend, you have been given gifts. Gifts of compassion and patience. Gifts of gentleness and tenderness. You were given them for this precise time in your life. Now, you are to use them. Trust in His divine plan and give Him the best part of you - that part that He has given you. This is your chance to shine.

He knows what he is asking of you. He knows it will be difficult. There will be days, days where you are completely spent. Where the weight of the circumstances pound you like torrential rain and you will beg for relief. In that moment, He will be there. And, that is where He wants you.

Surrender, my friend. Let go of trying to figure it all out, to make sense of it all. And maybe, for the first time in your life, keep your eyes on Him, give Him your best, and leave Him to take care of the rest.

Random Morning Musings

Some mornings, in trying to get everyone out the door, you feel like you have fought an entire war before 8 am. And, you aren't sure whether you won or not. Everyone running around, no one focused and the goal of leaving on time is nowhere in sight. But then, you have an occasional morning where things are just smooth and easy breezy. No battles, lovey children, breakfast dishes cleaned before you walk out the door with a perfectly brewed cup of coffee in your hand. And thus, was my morning today.

Lily happily picked out her own clothes - which I let her wear without any of my usual critique (I know, let it go). Sadie and Ethan prepared their own breakfasts and lunches. There was time for conversation. There was time for a puzzle. There was even time for, gasp, Rock Band. Delightful.

Jay was still in bed, but working on his laptop. Little Lovey came running in with a monkey puppet on her hand. "Daddy, Daddy," she said. "Look at my monkey." Jay responded, "Oh yeah? Isn't that cute." And with that she laid the monkey on the bed and did a little gallop out of the room. As she neared the door she said, "I love you, Daddy." And a few steps later shouted out, "Oh, and you, too, monkey. I love you, toooooooooooo." And with that, she was out the door.

That is Lily, really. Always overflowing with love. When meeting someone for the first time, her enthusiasm bursts forth in a hug. Strangers in our house are quickly given the once over. If they bestow on her the tiniest bit of attention, they will find themselves the object of her warmth. If I plant myself on the sofa, or anywhere for that matter, she soon finds me. Quickly joining me, she immediately requests some "snuggle." As I respond, she slowly slinks closer and closer until she is nearly in my lap and there she asks for me to "wub" (aka rub) her leg, or tummy or arm. Her teachers tell me she is the sweetest, most giving child they have this year, randomly stop her activity in order to give the teachers or other classmate some lovey.

I have a very difficult time turning down her requests for love. Obviously, there are times when it just isn't plausible whether there are tasks to complete or we are short on time, whatever. But, the real reason is that it is a clear trait that came straight to her from Ansley, my sister who passed away from breast cancer 2 years ago. What a blessing to see that part of her in one of my own.

I grew up rubbing Ansley's arm. I know it sounds unusual, but through our formative years, she would ask me to rub her arm. It helped her go to sleep and relax. And, truthfully, she threatened me if I didn't do it! As we grew older of course, it didn't happen as often. But, as Ansley grew sicker, her requests returned, more frequently. Often times it was all I could offer up to try to ease her pain.

So, when my little Lily comes to me for that loving touch, that "wub" as she calls it. I don't turn her down. This life is fleeting. And, I would do anything to be able to rub her arm again.

Can't Pause Now

There comes a time when you have to make a bold and difficult decision to "die to self" in order to do what you know in your heart is the right thing. That which is ordained for you. I find that as a wife and mother, I have to do this on a small scale every day. But sometimes, when it comes to dreams of the heart, it takes every bit of my being to stuff it down, pretend it doesn't exist and to just...walk...away.

A struggling day I am having. There is a reoccurring dream that I have had for at least the last 20 years. Each time I go through this cycle, it seems more and more plausible, more easily obtained. Even though, in reality, it couldn't be further from that. I know, that to everything there is a season and it is clearly not that season for me. I must forget the sweet thoughts that put me to sleep each night and wake me each morning as I ponder the possibilities. Now, painfully, I am searching, yearning, for the peace in my heart in light of that revelation.

I find myself heading out on what I know is the correct course, but will shed a few tears over my own personal loss, once again. Today, I can't pause to think about what I want and what fulfills me. Today, like every other day, it must be about others and their needs. My prayer is that the hole that remains of this dream will be filled by the blessing of waiting for His timing.

New Look, New Perspective

Yes, you are in the right place. Just making some upgrades. I have seen quite a few blogs lately with fun backgrounds reminding me of my favorite hobby - scrapbooking. I couldn't resist this color combination, one of my favorites as of late (lime green & black).

In moving things around and editing, I thought about my blog name, "Flying on Wings Like Eagles," and this picture (left). The name, if you don't know, comes from my favorite scripture:

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

This picture was taken this New Year's Eve (yes, that is me). My "good friends" announced to the staff at our favorite Japanese steakhouse that it was my birthday. Not a complete lie as it was the day previous. And, not only did they tell them it was my birthday, but my "good friend" Beth told them to really embarrass me. The staff descended upon our table and made me stand up, put my hands high into the air and announced that it was my birthday - to the packed to the brim restaurant. They proceeded to make me do the chicken dance - and thus, my flapping chicken wings pictured. At least I am smiling, if nothing else, from the embarrassment.

I looked at this picture and saw the clear picture of trusting in the Lord or trusting in ourselves. You see, we all have the proclivity to try to fly ourselves to happiness and self-worth. We try using our own resources, our own emotions, our own WILL. What it amounts to is some very pathetic, and sometimes humorous little chicken wings. They may temporarily get us off the ground, making a whole lot of ruckus in the process. We may even have a momentary satisfaction of achieving something on our own. But, quickly gravity thrusts us back down to earth. Reality check. We are only a tiny step from where we were before.

On the flip side we can make the firm decision to trust in the Lord. His design for us and His WILL for us - in ALL things. And, then we don't flap and squawk. We aren't standing on our own, working and fighting for flight. Instead, we take one big leap of faith and He does the rest. We just enjoy the flight, soaring above our circumstances, soaring above our suffering.

I went parachuting about 11 years ago. (more on that later) The relevance is that the sound you hear when you are high in the air is of...nothing. Complete silence, unlike any I have ever heard. The world below me, all of it - the pain, the unhappy circumstances, the grief - far, far away. Momentarily, I saw something I had not see before. The larger picture of the world.

And, so, that is where I want to be. Focusing on the larger picture which I can only see when I trust in Him, rising above it all. I can't get there on my own little wings. And, I want this vision - not just momentarily, but every day. I want a new look, a new perspective.

Book about Me Page 89

I received a very cool book for my birthday from my mom. In actuality, we were out shopping and she spied the book at a clothing store. We both thought it would be resourceful for writing and archiving. It is entitled, "The Book about Myself: A Do-it-Yourself Autobiography in 201 Questions." Now, let me make it very clear that I do not feel that I have lived a life justifying anything close to an "autobiography." However, I am interested in documenting life - its twist and turns, its roller coaster, its smooth sailing. This book gives inspiration for that. And so, I randomly opened the book and decided I would answer whatever question/topic was presented.

Page 89: This health problem or accident was very scary for my family:

O-K. This could be a very lengthy blog. I could spend pages of revisiting Jay's heart attack or Ansley's breast cancer, but am not compelled to go there at the moment. Instead, I will talk about what came in the mail today. An envelope with a pretty pink butterfly in the outside, invoking a innocent essence. But, the return address, The Breast Center of Greensboro, would indicate otherwise. It was my reminder letter that it is time for me to schedule my 6-month MRI follow-up to my little "scare" in August. To set the background go here.

There is no reason to be uptight about this in all reality. They didn't find anything in those 2 core needle biopsies, except some cystic disease that is usally caused by too much caffiene. I mean, I have a 1 in 4 chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer in my lifetime verses 1 in 8 for the rest of the female population. So, I suppose that is something. But, it is still a bunch of conjecture of random facts, in my opinion. Nevertheless, I can't seem to let this just roll off my back. That envelope just sits there on the counter adding to the weight that dropped suddenly in my stomach upon its arrival.

Breast cancer is scary for my family because it came out of nowhere, like a high-speed train on a collision course. One day we were all healthy and the next, one of us was dying. It radically changed our lives and tried to control us for 3 years. It took the best part of our family from us. The mention of it brings a little ache in my heart and I suppose that will never go away.

There is no question that I will always get my yearly mammos and MRIs. Won't give it a second thought. And, I am hopeful this will be the only time I am requested to come at a 6-month interval. My appointment is in February.

A One-Man Girl

Last night I had the rare opportunity to spend just a smidgen of time alone with just one of my children. Totally unplanned, Sadie and I made our way home from scouts and it was a sweet time. The conversation flowed freely and touched on everything from scouts, to school, to a couple of "why" questions. Here is part of the conversation that I want to remember:

Sadie: Mommy, after you get married, why do you go on a honeymoon?
Me: So, you can spend time with your new husband, just the two of you, alone.
Sadie: If you get married again, I mean, if your first husband dies and you get remarried, do you get to go on another honeymoon?
Me: I suppose so.
Sadie: Cooooool. Well, I am never going to get remarried.
Me: Why is that, Sadie?
Sadie: Because I know that there is just one special boy for me.
Me: Do you know what, Sadie?
Sadie: What?
Me: I already pray to God about your husband. That he is being raised to know how to love you, shower you with love.
Sadie: Really?
Me: Yes, really.
Sadie: You know, and its ok if he is a little silly. I will still love him.
Me: Yeah, Sadie. I think he will need to be a little silly and crazy. That will be just perfect, perfect for you.

A friend posed the following question to me recently:
Did you marry the person you did because of who they were and qualities they possessed, or did you marry them because of their potential?

It reminds me that love is not a feeling. It is a decision and a commitment. The person you marry is not perfect, but they are perfect for you. And, that which brought you together in the first place, may not be what still attracts you. It evolves and changes. But, the decision and commitment does not. It is with this resolve that we can be one-man girls.

Delicious Essence

In order to make a purposed break from the introspection which has resulted in a bit of negativity as of late, I bring to you something completely interesting. Pointless, but still, I think interesting.

Found out there is a new taste sensation in town. Don't think I learned about this in school when regurgitating factoids about the tongue and its various bud areas. So, check this out:

In addition to sweet, salty and bitter, our tongues are capable of detecting a fifth taste known as umami. First identified by a Tokyo professor, umami (loosely translated as "delicious essence "is often described as a savory or meaty taste. These foods are rich umami:

Aged cheeses such as Parmigiano-Reggiano
Vine-ripened tomatoes
Mushrooms, particularly portobellos, shittakes, porcini
Corn
Cured pork such as prosciutto
Smoked or cured fish
Shellfish
Asian fish sauce
soy sauce and miso

I find this list of gastronomical favors intriguing. On one hand, I find immeasurable delight in a fresh from the summer garden tomato and mayo sandwich. But, clearly find anything related to seafood despicable. Wish I loved creatures from the sea, but I just don't. Love the prosciutto and dig some good aged cheese. The latter is an awesome way to use cheese, yet, cut down on the calories when cooking.

I'll throw out a question for the day. You can answer in your mind, pondering it for the day. Or, you can feel free to write your answer in the comments section.

What one particular food do you like to savor in all of its "delicious essence"? Oh, and remember that word, umami, as it looks like a great one for scrabble, crosswords, or the like.

Gratitude

Life is definitely cyclical. Behavior, I suppose, is even more so. There are times when my children exhibit such gratefulness for what they have. Their comments are plentiful and heart-felt. They know the value of money and that we don't have it to spend as we please. They show their appreciation for us as parents, often thanking Jay for working hard for our family and for me for my daily toil.

And then, we have today. I knew that it would be a tough afternoon - first day back to school after a long Christmas break. Over the past two weeks, we deviated from our normal schedule quite a bit (later bedtimes, later wake times, more t.v. than usual, extra sweets, limited responsibility) and I knew that getting back into normalcy would be require patience and diligence on my part. But, I still wasn't prepared for Ethan's attitude and question as he prepared to complete his homework.

Ethan: Mom, you said you were going to order us lunch in January.

Me: I'm sorry, Ethan, I forgot with the holidays. I think at the time we were trying to hold our expenses down as money was a little tight. Plus, you had to order December and January at the same time.

Ethan: Well, you promised.

Me: I am sorry, but you need to understand that sometimes my intention can't always work out.

Ethan: (tears starting to well) Well, everybody orders on Moe's day (Mexican day). I am embarrassed when I have to eat my packed lunch.

Me: Are you serious?

Ethan: (with more anger and less crying) Well, why don't you order my lunch? Everybody orders. I am the only one who doesn't. It is embarrassing to be the only one to walk to the tables instead of going through the line. It is not fair.

Me: (really trying to control my temper). Ethan, can I tell you what I not fair? Only getting one meal a day. Or better yet, being 8 and dying of starvation because you are given NOTHING to eat. There is nothing for days and days and days. And, you come to me with anger and tears because you are embarrassed by your food?

Pause.

Me: Come here, Ethan. (he hesitated, so I had to repeat myself) Come here. Instead of thinking about all the things you don't have. Instead of this attitude of complete ungratefulness, I want you to focus on the fact that God has given you food to eat - every day He has given you food to eat. You need to apologize and ask for forgiveness and Ethan, thank Him.

So, he came into my arms and he prayed. His eyes filled with tears as he listed reasons to be thankful, and he apologized to me and to his Father.

I know in his heart he knew his transgressions. But, I know this won't be the last time we visit this topic. For children that are afforded opportunities and given nearly everything they would ever want, things are never enough. With the holidays behind us, schedules returning to normal and a new year upon us, I think it is time for me to evaluate my parenting plan. I know I need to continue building on where my children place their own self-worth. Comparisons to others is only going to multiply and they need to know where to put their gratitude.

You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling...

I read the following article today:

Take heart, scientists have discovered that people can have a love that lasts a lifetime.

Using brain scans, researchers at Stony Brook University in New York have discovered a small number of couples respond with as much passion after 20 years together as most people only do during the early throes of romance, Britain's Sunday Times newspaper reported.

The researchers scanned the brains of couples together for 20 years and compared them with results from new lovers, the Sunday Times said.

About 10 percent of the mature couples had the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as those just starting out.

Previous research has suggested that the first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months and after 10 years it has gone completely, the newspaper said.

"The findings go against the traditional view of romance -- that it drops off sharply in the first decade -- but we are sure it's real," said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, told the Sunday Times.
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In my circle of friends and well, into my acquaintances, I think I know two couples that fall into the category of "love of a lifetime." They still hold hands, always speak fondly of each other and talk with giddiness when seeing their spouse after a period of separation.

What I really want to know is what is it that they have that 90% of other couples don't? Have they faced serious tragedy in their lives? Do they live life in the slow lane versus the fast lane? Do they have spiritual lives? Or, have they reached a point where they have forgotten themselves and focus solely on their spouse and his or her needs? Is it all about when they first met - their maturity level, etc? Is there a point of no return - meaning, if you "lost that loving feeling," can you ever get it back?

I am sure there is book out there in the published world that examines such relationships. If so, can someone please tell me what it is? Or, if you are one of the lucky 10%, would you please let me know?

Gray

She is beautiful. She is kind. She is sweet. She is easily influenced. She is a great singer. She can be shy. She can be withdrawn. She has an incredible laugh. And, she wants a mommy.

That is what she told me yesterday in the car. "Gray, honey, what's wrong?" "I just want a Mommy." I had to hold back my own emotions in my response. "Oh, honey, I pray for God to bring you the most perfect mommy for you in the whole world. I know He has one for you and is waiting for just the right moment to bring her to you."

They have experience much turmoil and change since she passed. Three different houses, three different schools, three different inconsistent churches and one parent who is lost. Without going into much detail, for my own emotional well-being and for the privacy of those involved, there has been a chaotic influence in their lives which has exposed them to ideas, images, words, anger, rejection and instability that shouldn't be for a 7 year old. I really can't fathom feeling, as a child, that you have been abandoned.

Lily tripped down the stairs today and she cried for me. She wasn't hurt, but really scared. I rushed to her and held her until she was ready to bee bop back up the stairs to play. My thoughts wandered to Gray. I cried, knowing that she is alone when she trips down the stairs or is scared.

I wonder how terrible that sting is when she sees the other mommies dropping their kids of for school. When it is time for school programs, who is there as a witness? Who teaches her how to dress and behave like a lady? Why must independence be thrust upon her at a time when little girls need to be cuddled, loved, cherished and taught?

It has been a tremendous struggle for me to watch this. My own irateness and helplessness over this nearly drove me to my own demise last year this time. The only way I surmised to recover myself, was to take a giant step back. Although, many times, this decision was made for me as when I was around the truth was obvious.

I know my heart can't wrap itself around the bigger picture at the moment. As I watch this situation continue to spiral downward, my questioning grows. Even though my head knows the scriptural answers to this question, my heart begs for a different answer, an end to all of this madness. Why, God, my loving Father, why are you ordaining this - allowing this, creating this?

Caged bird

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Emily Dickinson

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange suns rays and dares to claim the sky.
But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.
The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn and he names the sky his own.
But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied so he opens his throat to sing.
The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Setting the tone

They say what you do on the first day of the new year sets the tone for the remainder of the year. Checking over yesterday, I find it was relaxing, fun and completely uneventful! On December 31, 2009, I hope to be able to write that same sentence about the year, as a whole.

My day was filled with much of the usual - cooking, laundry, some vacuuming, and dishes. No surprise here. This is such a natural part of my daily routine that it would have marked a decidedly different year for me if I hadn't.

But there were some unexpected moments, too. We had overnight guests, long-time friends of ours, who spent New Year's Eve with us. Not only do I hope this friendship has been rekindled, but I hope to spend more time with friends, spontaneously, this year. The cackling and laughing was of epic proportions, something that brought to light that I don't do very much laughing any more. That has got to change.

I don't know how I managed this either, since I didn't hit the bed until about 2 am, but I wasn't tired. Not one moment during the entire day. And, I wasn't all hyped up on caffeine, either. That would be a tremendous bonus for this year! I think I spent most of last year trying to find my way through the morning fog until my java fix kicked in. Then, would drag myself through the afternoon slump until dinner time. Collapsing in my own bed as soon as the kids were their beds at 8. Yeah, that definitely has to change.

And, there was time with family. Mom, John, Colby and Gray came over for lunch. Strained relationships did not always allow for me to spend time with my favorite niece and nephew last year. This first day visit, I hope, bodes well for 2009. I also sat on my sofa and just talked to my mom, not feeling the pressure to also accomplish some other task in the process. It was lovely.

I think the tradition of making a New Year's resolution has passed in some ways. As most resolutions are broken or forgotten by the end of January, is there really a purpose in them? We set goals for ourselves all year and I find that those set anywhere except January 1 tend to be a tad more successful. I wonder why that is?

But, despite my near animosity toward resolutions, I am still inclined to toy with the idea of setting some goals. And.....drum roll please....here they are:

1. To laugh more, enjoy life more. To be more spontaneous.

2. To document my life more consistently whether in blogging, scrapbooking or other means.

3. To serve others in my community. To find my place, my niche, which I currently don't have.

4. To find myself spiritually again. This became a little muddled in 2008. Note to self: future blog topic.

5. OK, so this is silly, but well, I will still type it despite a very high probability of being ridiculed for it - to be able to play ONE song on the drums at the expert level of Rock Band.

And, #6, Get rid of this squirrel!

Alone.

All anyone really wants in this world is to feel like they matter. To feel loved is to feel that somewhere out there is rooting for you, supporting you, cares that breath comes in and out of your body. Why is it that is so very difficult then, for us to give to others what is the core need of our being and what we want more than anything else in the world?

My days have been filled with much introspection, much evaluation - probably to my own detriment. I have been assaulted with a barrage of broken relationships. Some, admittedly, I have played a role in, but in others I am just watching from the sidelines. The level of pain that I hear, the frustrations of unmet expectations, the loneliness, disappointment and desperation, is of catastrophic proportions.

For years, I felt this unending desire to bring people together. I worked at forging friendships, planning gatherings of all kinds, making sure that all felt "included." My motivation behind this was due to my own memories of inadequacy. I can recall years of questioning whether I was important or worthy enough. Therefore, I was driven to build up and encourage those around me. Often reaching out to those that in any other condition, I would not have done so. I tried to point them to the ultimate source for self-worth and meaning, our Lord.

But over the last year, that drive has died. So completely worn out and given out I am, that I have lost connection with many of my friends. How has this happened? And, what do I do about it as I prepare for a new year? Is it ok to take a back seat for a change? Will anyone jump into the driver's seat in my place? Or, will I find myself what I felt for most of 2008, alone.

Dear Friend,

Dear Friend,

Something has happened and I don't like it. Are you ok? A package in the mail today made me cackle out loud and I thought of you. Did you get the same package? Do you HEAR me? (hint hint) I hope you still visit my little world, but more importantly, I would like to HEAR from you, my friend. I think life might be tough for you right now and I don't know how to help.

I miss you.