Tuesday, December 30, 2008


All anyone really wants in this world is to feel like they matter. To feel loved is to feel that somewhere out there is rooting for you, supporting you, cares that breath comes in and out of your body. Why is it that is so very difficult then, for us to give to others what is the core need of our being and what we want more than anything else in the world?

My days have been filled with much introspection, much evaluation - probably to my own detriment. I have been assaulted with a barrage of broken relationships. Some, admittedly, I have played a role in, but in others I am just watching from the sidelines. The level of pain that I hear, the frustrations of unmet expectations, the loneliness, disappointment and desperation, is of catastrophic proportions.

For years, I felt this unending desire to bring people together. I worked at forging friendships, planning gatherings of all kinds, making sure that all felt "included." My motivation behind this was due to my own memories of inadequacy. I can recall years of questioning whether I was important or worthy enough. Therefore, I was driven to build up and encourage those around me. Often reaching out to those that in any other condition, I would not have done so. I tried to point them to the ultimate source for self-worth and meaning, our Lord.

But over the last year, that drive has died. So completely worn out and given out I am, that I have lost connection with many of my friends. How has this happened? And, what do I do about it as I prepare for a new year? Is it ok to take a back seat for a change? Will anyone jump into the driver's seat in my place? Or, will I find myself what I felt for most of 2008, alone.

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