Recently, I shipped 16 camcorder cassettes across the country to be converted to DVDs.  It was with much intrepidation that I boxed them up and sent them via UPS. I checked on the tracking number hourly as they crisscrossed their way across the nation and back.  Finally, the package arrived at our home, the contents of which held six of the most eventful years of our lives.  It has been pure joy to watch these DVDs, the start of which coincides with my rehearsal dinner, wedding and honeymoon and ends shortly before the birth of Lily.  By then, we purchased a new camera then which was easier to download and edit on the computer.

To watch the beginning of your family, your first house, the birth of two children, moving, vacations, Christmas mornings, children playing and singing, sweet conversations between family and precious memories of those no longer with you...well, it is without words.  I have cried sweet tears of remembrance and I have laughed until my stomach ached.  Remembering life so fresh and new, so full of opportunity and anticipation has been soothing to my soul.

What has been most remarkable is watching my children speak, learn and interact in their toddler years.  They were precious, but sadly it seems lifetimes ago.  I don't recall much of what is on the tapes.  As I watched, their sweet, barely discernible voices (none of mine were ever clear talkers) filled my heart.  Their innocence bursting through, their hearts so open and believing of our God, yearning to hear about Him, talk about Him and sing about Him.  If they were those ages today, I would surely gobble them up!

Oh, the promises of those days.  The days were filled with nothing to do but mother and keep up a house. Not to down-play those tasks, as God knows the toddler years and the hours of 5 pm - 7pm are just about as dark as it gets.  However, these days, my additional duties include driving an activities cab, cramming in homework, chores, emotions that are simply inconsolable, afterschool activities, one homeschooler, world war three squabbles all the while pointing to God as I yell, "Get in the van!" 

For all the wonderful years that are behind us, how exciting to recognize how much of their lives are in front of them. Who will they be?  What will they be? What choices will they make?  For now, I'll be content reliving the past captured on those DVDs.

Anxiously, she sat on the edge of her seat, scanning to see a sign of him. She looked back at me excitedly, "I think I see him!"  She looked back to confirm her discovery only to turn and say, "No, that isn't him."  It must have felt like eternity for her,  the parking lot for a sign of his arrival. 

Her eyes lit up, her face broke a grin that was larger than her face and she ran to him as he sauntered down the sidewalk to our table.  She lept into his arms, warping her lithe legs around his, clinging to him as if she would never let him go.

An answer to "instability"

A little over a month ago I wrote this post. 

I received many responses from the post, mostly out of concern.  First, let me say that sometimes you just need to vent.  A raw, realistic view of my anger and feelings of defeat were in that post.  I surmise that most people experience such reactions to the world at some point.  However, one thing that I did not clarify in the post was the cause of my ire and what provoked the rant.

It was me. I alone am responsible for my reaction to circumstances.  No matter how warranted it is perceived, it isn't correct if it is a sinful reaction.  The world should be able to bang on my door, barge right on in, taint everything around me, yet, not penetrate my soul.  I let it.  I don't blame anyone but myself.  I am a sinner.  I allowed my response to not be Godly, not at all.  I reacted very, very poorly.  I wish I could take it away and claim that I rose above it all, but I can't.  I mired in it, rolled around in it, stepped into the pit and stunk.

My complete meltdown was a result of realizing my failure, once again.  My anger was pointed straight into my heart.  I long for the return of Jesus so that this will end once and for all. PRAISE GOD earth is the closest to hell that I will ever see.

Maybe I could have held strong had it not been for the depression that has been lurking around, sometimes wrecking havoc in my brain for several years now. Nah.  Couldn't have done it at all without Him.  He wasn't placed first in all of this.  I took control, unfortunately.

Having confessed my heart to God and getting right with Him, meeting with my doctor, and taking some time away from the daily grind has turned my path.  My daily prayer is full of repentance. I am a sinner, but my heart desires not to be a repeat offender.

I may be called instable because of what I have written, but you know, I don't mind. Being truthful and real, confessing my sins and my failures, acknowledging my constant need for Jesus opens me up to judgement.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor 12:9


"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NIV)


Know that you can be renewed and transformed through the God, but it takes humility in order for these experiences to take place. Human pride often blocks our dealing with painful problems. Once we finally admit our wrongdoings and failures, there can be a real solution for us. Humbling ourselves before God is the ultimate key that will allow us to experience the wonderful comfort that only the Almighty One can provide.

First quarter down.  School-wise, that is.  Homeschool is moving along quite well.  I couldn't be more thrilled with the results.  My relationship with Sadie has transformed; she has transformed into a much more mature, wise-choosing, sensitive little girl.  I still see some spiritedness when in groups of kids, but even in that area she has settled down.  Most days she tackles her school work with enthusiasm and is genuinely content with our arrangement this year.  Not to say that every day is that way, but mostly the frustration and refusals are short- lived.  Often she moves on with a nice apology and moves on.  She has written some amazing pieces including a compare/contrast between her life and Abe Lincoln's life. 

Our biggest battle this year has been swimming.  However, the last two weeks there has been a drastic change in attitude and focus.  I see determination in her spirit again.  I am most encouraged by the work she is putting into practice. 

I wonder if Sadie will always try to find a battle in her life.  Even if it is her desire to participate in an activity or be asked to participate, will she show resistance in order to feel that she has all of the control?  Moving forward in obedience means letting someone else have the reigns.  Although what I am writing is regrading earthly circumstances, it also is quite applicable to a spiritual journey as well.  May the love of her Father and her love for Him break what is a naturally rebellious spirit.

As for me...I have found stability.  For the past three-four weeks, I have had no mood swings, no spiraling, no emotional pits.  What previously made me obsessive, paranoid and cantankerous has little effect on me now.  I am starting to feel like my old self again.  Thank you to the makers of Lexapro. I know this is not a long-term solution, but a first step in conquering what I now know is depression.  Not to mention, it has me back into the word.  WORD! I love how God puts such a clear path of truth in front of me and encourages me. 

A nice anniversary trip with my husband to a tropical destination didn't hurt the cause either.  Ok, calling it nice is the most gross understatement of my life.  It was the best trip I have ever taken.  Ever.  Jay and I relive it every day after he gets home from work. He is constantly looking at how to move there (completely unrealistic).  I know that it has been years, maybe even never, since I have been that relaxed, unwound, de-stressed.  Perfect in every single way.

The big eye opener to the trip was the 5 page typed document that I had to leave with the caretakers of my children in my absence.  Yes.  FIVE PAGES.  It was the schedule I keep each with with school, various after school stuff, key information, bags to pack, soccer games, swim schedules, etc.  My mother actually sounded extremely irritated when she looked over the list.  Not that she minded helping out or that it was too taxing for her, but that I have created such a schedule for me and my family.  I can't help but examine whether her shock (along with my father's shock who also helped out) is valid or if she is coming from a generation's perspective that included a one-car family early on, a lack of sport activities for children, low-stress schooling for children (i.e. no homework in elementary), or if it is from the perspective of a grandmother who is retired.  Not that she doesn't stay busy, but her schedule is nearly all at her own discretion.  Or, have I really created a monster?  Do we all feel like we are scrambling as mothers today?  Why do we do it? 

Another day...

Things I have learned in the last week or so...

1.  A trip to the beach with a couple of girlfriends can drastically change the direction in which you are going.

2.  I had a friend tell me that she did not know one homeschooling mom who did not have a complete crisis during their first year, regardless of how the year was going.  Makes sense to me.  There is a lot of under the surface stress in that department.

3.  I don't have to accomplish anything big for God. I just have to love Him.  Sometimes stillness and quiet are good things. Sometimes loving God and loving my neighbor happens to be with those who are with me every day.  I have to be ok with that.

4.  Despite previous diagnosis of teeth grinding, poor eyesight (resulting in glasses), sinus infections, and allergies, the new most logical diagnosis for my forehead, eye throbbing, and cheek numbness is a type a migraine.  Here's to some new meds while I start documenting their occurrences.

5.  A doctor who is willing to tell you a very personal story about their own bout with depression and spiraling emotions to help you not feel alone in your misery is the type of doctor I want to see.

6.  My husband that can make me laugh no matter how terrible I feel physically, how irritated I am at him, or how on the verge of bawling I am, is a keeper.  Twelve years and I can say...he is a keeper.

7.  On that same note as saying he is a keeper, I can also state that no matter how minuscule, simplified or even common sense filled the list might be, Jay is never going to complete any "to do" list that I make when I go out of town.  I will never write such a list again.  It is a waste of my time and energy.

8.  Keeping my mouth shut and walking away is always, always, the better decision in the long run.  Let the battle be the Lord's. 

9.  Lily is becoming quite the comedian.  Funny little looks and clever little statements.  Keeps me smiling.  What a little joy.

10.  Although she can come across as being a bit ditsy, Lily is actually quite aware of what is going around her, what is on the calendar and when things are due. 

11.  Ethan can exaggerate social situations for fear of rejection.  His own recognition of such is quite mature for him.  He is such a deep thinker. 

12.  Ethan is very determined to stay on track and focused at school and his outside activities.  I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but I see him taking more initiative than in years past.

13.  Sadie will never be allowed to take prednisone again after tomorrow. Never. 

14.  Homeschooling is still the best decision I could have ever made. 

15. Sadie is a lovely little girl (while not taking prednisone).  Her multiple phone calls while I was away made me realize how much we have grown to enjoy each other's company.  I think we missed each other more than we had anticipated.

16.  No matter how disappointed I am because of my own actions and those that I must deal with, my children and my husband are more than enough reason to never give up.

I have not slept well in several days.  By that, I mean only a couple of hours each night and those have been fitful.  I have had had 4 dreams in the past week that my children and/or I have been diagnosed with cancer. Throw in multiple conflicts, emotional spiraling, the loss of another one to cancer and that equals one very downtrodden person.  Make that depressed.  Never have I been so ready for Jesus to return.  I am tired of life on this earth.  I hate it.  I have failed, continued to fail, and I never seem to move past the same cycle of failure.  Retreat I must.  No words of encouragement here.  No signs of victory evident.  No shouting off the rooftops.  Just done. 

Remember This...

I am actually doing it.  I am homeschooling one of my children.  The very child I said would be the last one I would ever choose to homeschool, which I never planned to do for any of my kids anyway.  The very child that never evoked sadness when I left her at a new adventure.  The very child that exposed every sinful fiber of my being. The very child that has challenged much of what I thought I knew about myself.  The very child that seemed more alien to me than familial.

After two days, yes, only two days, I can say...I love this.  I love this child. I love this decision. I love where it is taking me and I love what I see blooming between us.  I don't recall having received so many "I love you" notes in such a short time.  She actually said, "I can't believe you are doing all of this for me."  Our time together has been precious.  PRECIOUS!

Now, I am a realist.  I know this is the honeymoon stage and that by October I will be seriously rethinking my decision.  I will have this blog post to remind me of what I saw in these early days that filled me to the brim. 

This year is about us - more than anything academic.  It is about repairing my previously deteriorating, hurtful and always on the verge of exploding relationship with my daughter.  My eyes are full of tears as I type this.  Thank you, God, for this opportunity.  Thank you for taking my once very stubborn and hardened heart and transforming it to your will.