But...but....but...

I am in transition. It makes me weary, overloaded and burdened. I am not a crackerjack with transitions. A "go-with-the-flow" kind of gal, I am not. Therefore, when I find myself fluctuating between two worlds, I become a little controlling. Controlling, like a dictator along the lines of Mussolini, Duvalier and Pinochet. When I don't have responsibilities clearly defined for me, I spin like a mad top wiping out any who come my way. As the normal rhythm of my life becomes a mish mash of syncopated and staccato beats, I tighten my grip around the drummer to force some regularity. Squeezing the drummer is never a good thing. Never. (excuse #1)

Last week, we had some repair work completed on our water system - a well. We have had an above normal problem with our well since we built this house 5 years ago. The entire well pump has been replaced 2 times, along with multiple other issues. This time, when the repairman arrived he said, "You just can't stand not having us here, can you?" Lovely. This time the repairman had to remove the entire length of piping and replace it because it started leaking when we experienced an extreme cold snap in January. Whenever this type of repair gets made, it wrecks havoc on our water for the next 5 days or so. The result of which is bright orange colored, staining water. The orange derives from the rust and other mineral deposits that have become dislodged by the removal of the pipes and the "required by law" massive dumping of chlorine in the system. Every toilet, sink, tub becomes covered in the orange slime. I spend every day trying to prevent further staining of anything water touches. But, that was last week. (excuse #2)

I have reflected and pondered much on what is preventing me from taking that "next step" with my life. Having something I have written be published, losing weight, working out, finding a place where I can serve others, indecisiveness on many issues, for example. One conclusion is that I allow issues like the above (orange water) to prevent me from moving forward. Time management has ever been a great talent of mine. Yet, we all know we spend time on what we find important, right? (excuse #3)

Now that I think about it, there is always some wall, imagined or real, although I would venture to say mostly imagined, that blocks me from achieving much of anything significant. For example, I feed my kids because they would starve if I didn't. I accomplish that which is necessary, a requirement, something someone else depends on me doing. Am I doing anything that isn't required of me by others? (excuse #4)

I might be stagnant because it is comfortable in the still waters of the safe harbor. Is it fear that prevents me from hoisting the anchor and sailing out to the unknown? This whole writing thing, submitting articles, it takes some effort to figure out where and how. Why does my motivation stop after I click the "publish post" button on my blog? (excuse #5)

I am beginning to believe that I need to sacrifice something in order to achieve something beyond everyday survival. Sacrifice, give-up...that hour in the morning where I lounge around, drink coffee, sift through facebook, blog reading lists. The time I spend chatting with other moms during the kids' swim practice. The two chocolate turtles that I scarfed down right before I fell asleep. Those are fairly easy and I haven't made one step in that direction. What about the things that have resided so long and deeply in my clinched fist that they have grafted themselves into the deepest lines of my palms. I don't think I can complain, whine, or even contemplate inwardly about my heart's discontent if I am not taking a scalpel to remove them. (excuse #6)

Which leads me to my final conclusion, brought to the light through my bible study. My actions reflect a complacency that has become an idol to me. An idol that prevents me from a lot, but most importantly prevents me from going where God wants me to go and who God wants me to be. Here is where it gets a bit painful...I worship the status quo and I worship the time I spend COMPLAINING ABOUT IT. My treasure is always coming up with excuses as to why I have unrealized dreams. I have become the master of it. I have allowed excuses to dominate my life. I have allowed the laziness and lounging of my mind to prevent me from "doing." The excuses, however well-crafted and circumstantially supported at the time, are really lies and seriously..I am very, very good at them.

I begin a new chapter in my study today...no more excuses.

If that weren't enough...here is a passage from my study:

Even when you have these grandiose plans, spiritual plans nonetheless, things can unexpectedly turn. I suppose that's why I'm writing all this in regard to this week's homework, because there will alwyas be a million nagging tugs on our time and attention, and somewhere in the middle of all the tugging it is essential we build a fortress wherein only God, His words, and our heart exist together for a time. It rarely happens accidently.

Amazing Feats

Sadie, who had been tucked into bed for 15 minutes, came into my bedroom holding a piece of paper. The paper was from her notepad of blue paper with little gray and white kittens on the bottom.

"Mom," she said, "I made you my grocery list." My eyes got a little wider and I said, "Ok."

She bent over to me and shared her neat little list which was numbered. My guess is that she felt the need to "go over it" with me to ensure there were no mistakes.

The list was entitled, "Sadie's grocries" (that is not my typo, nor are any following this - it is how Sadie wrote it)

1. Get pulups,
2. orange juice,
3. seedless oranges,
4. Green apples,
5. strawberrys
6. blueberrys, and
7. fabreeze for bathroom

Type A? Undoubtedly. Clear, concise, detailed and numbered. She just amazes me sometimes. It is a list that exhibits healthy eating habits and concerns about personal hygiene. I am not quite sure about #7, but at least she wants things smelling good. The vast and ever-changing worlds in which this child vacillates...so unpredictable. Guess I am going to the store tomorrow!

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Less than a year ago, we joined the YWCA in order to spend some family time together swimming during the cold-ish NC winter months. The kids weren't what I would call even "decent" swimmers. Neither Ethan nor Sadie could swim the length of the pool doing any legal stroke, their stroke a loosely defined doggy paddle. I think, Sadie, the first time, even used a swim belt (more out of our fear than probably her need). Nevertheless, the were not secure in the water at all.

Today, after 8 months of swim team/practice, Ethan had a chance to swim with the next level of swimmers at our practice site. He swam a total of 60 laps in the pool; that is the equivalent to 1500 yards, just 10 shy of a mile. He swam sets of butterfly, breast, free and back throughout the practice. Amazing what their bodies can learn and can achieve. It was a shining moment for him, I think. His coach was really proud of his focus and desire to work hard. We have come a long, long way in a year.

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There have been some hard and difficult issues that one of my children has had to face at school. Children, including one of my own, have been the target of name calling, inappropriate behavior and physical interactions that are quite below acceptable. My concern is for my child, but on equal footing, my heart is tender towards the child who is the perpetrator and his parents.

My own views of child rearing have drastically changed over the last 9 years. How funny to think I actually believed I could control and force the desired behavior of my children. I know that is why God gave me the three He did - so unique in their personalities, in talents, in love languages. My job is to guide, teach, correct and love them. It is their choice whether to obey or not. Guiding is my role, the rest is left them and God. It is not a reflection of me as a person, as a parent. It is a picture of their relationship with God.

We, as adults, live exactly the same way. God guides, teaches, corrects us, all the while never wavering in His love for us. However, we turn away from Him daily, even when we know better. If we can't always have it together, why in the world do I think my children can? Sometimes I feign disbelief over some of their unfathomable choices, but really, I shouldn't. It is just their natural tendency to wander from the One that love them most.

My prayers these days are not for perfectly listening, well-behaved, obedient little robots - although wouldn't that be nice? It is for them to have their hearts tuned into God. For them to develop into the perfectly unique and spirit controlled beings that long for Him. I can see the difference in their lives, little bit by little bit. The apologies are more readily offered, initiated from within their hearts. The voice is humble and sincere. The desire to change flows from their souls.

The fighting, the lack of respect, the sassy backtalk, the whining, the blatant disobedience will never completely go away. Lessen, hopefully, but sure to cycle round again. God has called me to be a mom and at those times I cry out to Him, "Who am I?" as Moses did in Exodus. In those hours of doubt, stress, confusion, disappointment and utter defeat, I will remember God's response: "I will be with you."

Too Much Going On...

Swim meet this past weekend in South Carolina. Ski weekend coming up at Sugar Mountain. Need new health insurance plan for the business - must investigate this week. Too much going on.

Kids put on a good show at the meet. Sadie willed herself to finish her first 100 butterfly. She panicked a bit before the race, but I just shuffled her along to Rob who pumped her up. She started crying toward the end of the first 50, but pushed on, I am sure, because of a great deck parent cheering her on. At the turn of the 75, she saw the light. With about 15 to go she actually surged ahead with a little power. As she touched the final wall, you could hear the crowd was really behind her. Her coach pulled her out of the pool and lavished a lot of praise. She discovered that she loves a cheering crowd, but who doesn't? During this meet, I think she found a new love though - the breast stroke.

Ethan had a great Saturday with his technique (according to the coach) and a Sunday full of dropped times. He is so funny about swimming. He really likes it, but seems totally unphased by what others are doing. He just works along, pretty steady, content with his improvement.

I love the group of families that we swim with. If you are going to spend three days a week and a weekend a month with a group of people, this is it. And, Bob, if you are reading this, I include Jones family in that group.

Jay had Lily duty and despite the fact that he did not brush her hair the entire weekend, he did well. They took long naps, watched movies, did a few errands. She didn't cry this time when I left which means that she had every one of her heart's desires met while I was gone the last swim meet. Detox time.

Health plan at work decided to go up 30%. They have been terrible from the start. I am still fighting coverage on my MRI, recommended by every doctor and paid for by every other insurance plan. I am also fighting their charge for our H1N1 shots despite the fact that every other insurance company is paying for that administration as well. Now, I must tackle the daunting task of investigating our options. Sometimes, small business stinks.

Planning for Sugar Mountain and skiing this weekend with another family. Totally unprepared. At least we have the right clothes, but everything else is left to be decided. Now, Jay wants to go up on Friday morning so we can make the afternoon session. I sit here wondering...do I really even like skiing? Debatable. At least it is good family time.

Random thoughts

I wrote the following collection of scattered thoughts over the past several days. The thoughts smack of triviality in light of the catastrophe in Haiti. I hesitate to post them. However, this is my life, as out of focus it may be at times. I also think of the people living in abject poverty every day through out the world. What am I doing for them? But for the grace of God it could be me. With renewed feelings of extreme gratefulness and gratitude to have the following experiences and thoughts, I post.

Tonight, I was helping Lily take a bath. She loves to talk, babbling incessantly without much thought as to what is coming out of her mouth. She says to me, "Today, we did 'science' at lunch." I responded, "Oh. What did you do?" Lily said, "We put yogurt in our water and then we added some food." "Lily, that isn't called 'science,' that is called 'playing with your food.' You better watch it because you will get in trouble for it." She paused and chose not to say anything else on this topic.

I don't understand Sarah Palin. I mean, I am a card carrying member of the Republican party. I will never vote for her, ever. Who is driving her train? My best guess is that it is the media. The more they portray her as the "shining light of party," the more those of us on the fringe closest to left of the party start believing that she is the core of what it believes rather than the freakish, far right. Surely this benefits "the other side" of which most of the media is card carrying members.

I just know way too much about her personal life, more than any other elected official, and she is not that anymore. (The names of her children, out of wedlock grandchild, even the boyfriend/father in Playgirl - the fact that he posed, not the pictures themselves) Well, maybe we ALL know more about "that dress" and Bill Clinton than we needed. And, I do recall Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter. Useless pieces of information people. Useless garbage taking space in my brain. I don't need to know any more about her than I do Jon & Kate plus 8. And yet, the media keeps going on and on and on.

I hear people say that they feel they can relate to her. She is just an average hockey mom. Or, someone will say I will vote for this person because they are like me. I believe that I am far too simple-minded for that to be a good thing. I don't want "to be able to sit around" and have a glass of wine, or beer with Barack Obama. As our president, he should be above me in intellect, in education, in knowledge, in experiences. He shouldn't be "common man," right? C'mon people, we are electing the leader of the free world, not choosing our next dinner club members.

Library Books. Why can't we keep up with them? It doesn't matter whether they are from the school library or the city library. We lose them - in the car, in other peoples' cars, all over the house, even at school. We turn them into the wrong location, creating confusion for everyone. We get overdue fines (from the city) and reminder slips (from the school). We have paid money for books we never located. You just have to love spending money on something you lost. If anyone out there has a process for keeping up with library books, please let me know. I am afraid to go there any more.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Spread. Yes, it exists and it is heavenly. Like putting a spreadable Reese's cup on bread. It is at WalMart - peanut butter aisle. I wonder why I can't drop these last 5 - 6 pounds.

Once again, a particular family member is moving. Once again, I feel the need to scoop up any discarded furniture or items of memory. Among this move's loot, are voluminous boxes over flowing with crafting supplies. I will never need take a trip to Hobby Lobby for a child's project again. Paint, glue, feathers, markers, Styrofoam balls, enough beads and parts to make 100 necklaces, clay, sponges, brushes, nifty little craft knives...you name it, my sister bought it. She really had two obsessions - funky folk art and craft/scrapbooking supplies. I have now been the recipient of both. Her distinct smell is still all over these things which make me weepy. I wish she were here to use them with me.

Lately, my heart has heard the cry of a little baby, possibly a child. I don't mean this in the literal sense like I am hearing voices. I mean, a little desire is stirring in my soul to bring another into our family. I know I am a bit crazy, but this idea of adoption has always been out there in my thoughts. It is a little louder at the moment. I pray that God will open or close the door to this thought and for my spirit to calm and at peace.

One last thought to Haiti...I find it interesting that I wrote the morning of the earthquake in Haiti about some of the responses to the Tsunami in 2004 being the wrath of God. It has happened again; this time with Pat Robertson. Speechless.

Specks

After yesterday's post, I realized that either 1) it was maybe too serious 2) it didn't make sense or 3) offended too many. Regardless, I am still going to write about it. Probably several entries, in fact. In the meantime, however, I will break up the arduous and formidable topic with this little tale from my life.

A sign of my body succumbing to illness is when my eyes become tired and sore. Not just achy but the eyeballs themselves throb and pound. The only relief is a very hot washcloth on my eyes, liberal amounts of water, and massive amounts of sleep. Over the past couple of years, I noticed that my eyes were more sore than they weren't.

Beginning in September, this little symptom started snowballing. I felt it every day, particularly at night. I could not keep my eyes open. Just painful. I just knew a terrible combination of illnesses were waiting for me the very next morning - a boiling pot of pneumonia, flu, bronchitis, topped of by the worst sinus infection of all time. Headaches began their decent by mid morning each day and I decided I could wait not longer. To the doctor I went.

Despite a series of doctor appointments, a round of antibiotics and nasal decongestant, nothing changed. To make matters worse, another condition developed, too - jaw clenching and some teeth grinding. My doctor suspicions began to grow and he decided to order an MRI to see exactly what was going on with all of these symptoms. It showed nothing. Nada. Zilch. Zippo.

The holidays came and went. I began to tire more easily resulting in my bedtime rolling in around 8. All I wanted to do was close my eyes. I decided I needed lots of vitamins, exercise and water. Unfortunately, this didn't change my fatigue, instead it gave me gas and muscle soreness.

Last week, while I was cleaning out my nightstand, I contemplated calling the doctor...again. But, what was he going to do? Blood work? I was in a bit of a quandary. I was organizing this drawer when I spied something shoved way in the back. I had not seen this in several years. I opened it up. Low and behold, after using it, my eye aches, my clenching, my headaches have all gone away. It has been miraculous!

What did I find, you ask? Why, the glasses that were prescribed to me about 4 years ago that haven't been on my face in about 2 years!

I do have a couple pairs of reading glasses that get tossed around in my pocketbook. I bring them out whenever the print is too small for me to read. Usually, though, I don't take the time to get them out, opting to deepen my frown lines by squinting my way through it. For the last two years, I have been a more consistent blogger and computer user which, without a doubt, has caused the eye irritation and headaches. I promptly made an appointment with my optometrist to have an exam and update my prescription. In the meantime, I will be sporting my old specks all the time. Sometimes we just can't see the obvious.

Our Human Box

Christianity: The belief that a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.

No, I didn't write that. Someone else did. I have read it several times. The words themselves, the word choices are fairly accurate, with the exception of the word "Zombie." Still, three things are missing, well, more like dismissed in this quote. (in addition to the most obvious fact that the writer is not a believer). I will touch on two today, the third one tomorrow.

Edward Said, a literary critic, culled the term the "Other" - people who seem to foreign in some truth that we consider them alien to us. The statement above is evidence of someone ignoring the magnitude of who God is and then trying to cram Him, "the Other," into a human viewpoint. God does not fit into our box, people. God transcends all that we know on this earth, so we cannot use our simple words to pare down who He really is. To insist on full understanding is nothing but futility.

Jan Winebrenner in, "The Grace of Catastrophe" explains this well when she writes, "God is infinite, and our finite minds cannot grasp all that He is, all that He wants to be to us, all that He is doing, and all the He wants to do for us. We are incapable of fully plumbing the depths of God, His character, His plans, His goals; nor can we completely comprehend the strength of His love, the passion of His pursuit of us, the length to which He will go to make Himself known to us."

God, in His own voice, explains this to us in scripture:
My thoughts are not your thoughts.
nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways
and My thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

Yet, how often do we try to understand life through our own lenses and not through His word? We simplify Him. We water down His power, dilute His strength, weaken His word. We interpret His motives and His actions to fit our lives. It makes it easier to justify our own actions, our choices, and the events happenings around us because we think we have the power to fully understand Him. It is tempting, almost irresistible to judge and make assumptions about circumstances, causes, and consequences.

In 2004 an earthquake hit the Indian Ocean. The force unleashed was estimated to have released the energy of 23,000 Hiroshima-type atomic bombs, according to the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS). The resulting tsunami killed over 150,000 and left millions homeless. It pained me to hear believers interpret this event as the wrath of God on an ignorantly-perceived God-less society. It amazed me they had the audacity to claim to know the purpose behind such a catastrophe. The lack of humility that came with such a statement overwhelmed me. The focus had shifted off of their desperate need for God and into a position of false enlightenment.

The other component missing from that statement is love which is inseparable from God. He cannot be anything but full of love because that is fully His nature. A love we cannot fully experience on earth. The well-quoted scripture, "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only son..." (John 3:16) And again in 1 John 4:10, "This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

Our Enemy loves for us to "create and imagine" our God. Winebrenner says again, "We forget the truth about him, about His character, about the nature of His love for us and the "kind intention of His will" Ephesians 1:5." We consistently fail to grasp that God's love is "totally other." It operates solely from Him, unique to Him and not on our timetable, our plans or our circumstances.

I don't presume to know what the writer's life is like. I do know that that our Enemy does not want us to believe that God loves us. He goes to great lengths to prevent us from experiencing it, from believing in it. I see it in my own life every day. It comes in whispers in my ear, challenging what I know is true in God's word and about His character.

Are you resolved today to listen to His voice through His word and to feel His love that without fail tries to hold you?

I'll end with this quote from Larry Crabb, "There's more to knowing God than we dare imagine. It's time to put aside our cynicism and come to God, waiting consciously and deliberately, and with discipline for the Spirit to delight our souls with the rich fare of God."

In Search of Justice

As a mother of girls, I take some effort into procuring clothing that is properly fitting, cute, yet age appropriate and made decently enough that it can withstand the rigours of the roughness and accident-proness of daughter #1 in order to be passed down to daughter #2. I care about my son, too, but you'll soon understand why he does not need to be included in this post.

We are at a transition period with daughter #1, age 8. I learned to pick my battles with her attire early on, giving her a day here and there to make her own choices. Otherwise, we have a few standard rules that she has to obey. Thankfully, she is at a school where the main pieces of clothing are dictated to her. Yes, uniforms. Yet, I recognized over the summer that I needed to at least hear her out when she said, "You just don't know fashion, Mom."

I asked several moms of her friends exactly where does one go when you start aging out of Gymboree-type clothing? Their response: Justice. (and a crowd of tween girls start going wild). They didn't warn me, but I will send up some cautionary flares for you.

On our first trip, my daughter walked in there and thought she had died and gone to heaven. She swooned and pined over the tick-tackiest, heaped on bling-iest, eye-gouging colored clothes in the store, of which there were plenty. Lest I forget to mention to you our discovery of racks and piles of toys, lip gloss, hair accessories stuffed into every corner and every rack of clothing. Of course, it was always "on sale" and further encouraged at the cashier station. Daughter #1 lit up like a Christmas tree at the glory of it all. The music? Of course blaring, sounding like a hyped-up Cyndi Lauper on crystal meth. Just another work-them-into-a-riot marking device.

And if I thought there might be a bargain here, I was quickly corrected. T-shirts: $25.00. A t-shirt that you can see your hand through - a simple t-shirt with a very basic silk-screened design on it.

I'll give the marketing and merchandising leaders credit where credit is due. They have created a den that works even the most shy and meek little girl into a frenzy. You walk into the store, believing that you are there for clothes and you walk about with 2 webkinz, a My Little Pet Shop gift set and some charm bracelet.

I was sorely prepared for this adventure. I was cajoled into purchasing two pieces of the "add-ons"- a lipgloss bracelet contraption and another tube of sparkly gloss. Seriously, I think at that point the neon coloring that adorned just about every item in the store had worked on my mental acuity. I caved. A week later, I found it melting under the back seat of the car, creating a strawberry scented cesspool. The other unfortunate chap stick was taken away by her "obsessed with no make-up on my child" dad within minutes of leaving the store.

Overpriced? Yes. Shopped and worn by every girl from grades 2 - 7? Yes. Much to my chagrin, we have a store credit burning a hole in Daughter #1's pocket. We plan on going this Saturday. Let the pep talks being now, because I will not walk out of that store with anything made of unnatural fibers, metal or plastic.

As my children age, I hear I can look forward to the next step in the "popular shopping chain" . A poorly-lit store that will require me to carry a flashlight to navigate my way to more overpriced, poorly made junk all the while listening to more ear blasting music. I hear I might need to stock up on my claritin because there will be no store "models" to come to my aid lest I have an allergy attack from inhaling the overwhelming aroma of cologne. I believe they are paid to ignore customers.