His Name is ....

As I tucked Lily into bed I decided to have a little "God" talk. I was going on about how much God loves her, that He is always there for her - even though she can't actually see Him. She can see His work in all of creation, even in her.

Then I said, "And you know God's son. What is his name?"
Now, before I continue, please understand that we attend church regularly and she attends a Christian preschool.

Her answer: Ummmmm, Kevin?

I thought I was going to fall into the floor.
Holding myself together, I asked: "Kevin?"

Lily: Yes, the boy from my class.

Me: Ummmm, no.

At that point, we had a coming to Jesus meeting right there in her bed. I have no idea how she confused our Savior and the boy from her class, Kevin. But, rest assured, she is super clear on that now.

Two Quick Takes

Lily
Said this to my stepmother when she spent the night:
Terry, Terry, the stars are sleeping. It is time to get up.

Ethan
Discussion about his first summer camp experience to occur this summer (09). Colby was talking about how they don't make you take a shower until the last night. (!!!) Being the tweens they are, they concurred that this fact was "awesome!" I inquired why this is such a good thing. Ethan said, What's the point of taking a shower anyway, you are just going to get dirty the next day. Colby chimed in with, "Yeah. They have a swimming pool and lake, ya know." I can't imagine what filth will accompany my son home from this "first time away from mom" event. Obviously, I am the only one who cares.

Signs of a Lighter Heart

A tough week last week. I didn't write much, didn't think much past my own sorrow. I am working on getting back into the groove this week. Much of the sadness is behind me which actually is very interesting. I mean, does a passing day really make that much difference? Topic for future post.

A habit I am trying to establish is to make a list of what brings me happiness and joy on a regular basis. Focusing on the positive, not the negative. Gains instead of losses. God's blessings even if small. And so...here it is:

1. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. I recently heard this song on the radio and not only did it pump me up in a major way, it brought back a flood of wonderful memories of my year in the Netherlands with a group of girls (I call all my friend girls) that are still very close to my heart. That song was our mantra while being immersed in a different culture, far from home and families. A remix of the song was very popular in the bars that year and so we belted it out regularly. But, this time I also heard myself singing it in a new light. Instead of singing this to my independent spirit (the original intent by Ms. Gaynor), I sang this song to my grief, loneliness and depression which seemed to appear with such force I was knocked to the ground. Here is a snippet of the lyrics for those that don't remember.

and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

2. Loving little Dixie, our dachshund puppy. She has brought such delight to my day, despite the lack to total house training and even a bout of vomiting. I could let her sleep with me, curled up, every night. I just found her snoozing on top of a laundry basket full of dirty clothes sitting in the sunlight.

3. A scarf. I received this scarf just the other day. It is made from Ansley's clothes. The first Christmas after her death, I had a lady make Colby and Gray quilts of their mother's clothing. Anyone who knew Ansley is well aware of her eclectic and fashion-forward taste in clothing. The quilts were amazing. There was enough material left for 3 more quilts so intended to have more made for my own 3. Last week the quilts arrived along with several surprises - 2 teddy bears and 2 scarves. They are gorgeous and I think my new wardrobe will consist mainly of blues and browns in order to wear the scarf every day.

4. My little Sadie, with her two front teeth missing. I can't look at her without smiling, no matter what is coming out of her mouth. Well, almost.

5. My little Lily's acceptance of a new discipline technique, the marble jars. Thanks, Beth, for that suggestion. She is working so hard at changing her whining, crying and fit throwing. I am amazed at the changes in a mere 4 days. Chuck E. Cheese, here we come. Ok, so that is NOT on my list of happy thoughts, but it is her reward once the jar is full of marbles.

6. My little Ethan's request to snuggle, even at age 8. I went out of town for the night on Valentine's Day. Upon my return, he just wanted to sit close to me with his head on my shoulder and talk.

7. My friends. Yes, you! What an outpouring of thoughts, well-wishes and love on Friday. I felt very, very blessed and loved on a day when I was floundering in the deep. Never underestimate the impact this can have on someone.

8. Peanut Butter pie. Had a divine slice at the beach. Whipped, light, pb mousse with an oreo cookie crust, topped with chocolate morsels. Sinful.

9. The squirrel is OUTTA HERE! A week ago Jay fixed the squirrel cage to a wooden squirrel box he had fastened to a tree. We let the squirrel get acclimated to his new surroundings for a week. On Saturday, Jay removed the bottom of the cage so the squirrel would be able to roam, forage and most likely get eaten at his leisure. I know, I am terrible.

10. And, finally, but not least by any measure, my forgiveness. Over the past several months I have allowed my mind to move away from Him and onto earthly things. It has been more than a struggle. It has been soul wrenching. I brought it to Him over the weekend and well, you guys know. I am back in the fold. Still working out the details, but definitely moving back to where I need to be. God is good!

A February Conversation

Pushing Lily on the swing at the playground. The air is tepid, not too warm. The weather tempting and teasing us as leaves are not yet on the trees. Buds have not yet even formed on the branches – still barren and harsh, jagged. Exposed. Her hair in two pigtails, tied up in white bands. The fine wisps of hair framing her face, floating like feathers in the breeze…dancing in rhythm with the movement of the swing. Back and forth. In and out.

Lily talks and sings. Her made up little melody sweet and discordant. I don’t care. It is joyful to me.

She asks: Mommy, when I grow up, I marry Keegan?
Me: Well, why do you want to marry him?
Innocently, she answers, "Because he is nice to me. And, he lets me play pirates with him on the playground. Can I marry him?
Me: Lily, you have to be a grown-up to get married.
Lily: Some in my class are 5. I am not 5.
Me: That’s right, but you will be 5 soon enough.
Lily: Why does it take so long to grow-up?
Me: It will be here soon enough. Being little is great, Lily." I wanted to add, it is easy and simple, but she will know that herself soon enough.
Lily: I want to be a grown-up.
Me: Why?
Lily Because you are a grown up, Mommy. And, I love you.
If only life stayed so sweet and innocent.

How I Roll - Take 2

Well, How funny. Before you read this post, you MUST go read the one right under it, "That's Just How I Roll." Ok, so do it. Yes, right now, or this post can not be fully appreciated. Did you read it? Ok, proceed.

The minute I hit "publish post" on my entry for today which, incidentally, ended up being at 9:30 tonight, Lily came into my room. As she approached the bed she said, "I am scared to go to bed." She proceeded to climb into my bed and snuggled up as close to me as possible. Ethan also scampered into the room and was requesting something ridiculous like to start playing Rock Band or to get a snack way past his bed time. As I turned to looked at him to find out just what planet he thought he live on, Lily began to cough.

You know the one. The one that you know is a little different than something originating from the lungs. And, before you can put your finger on exactly what is happening, the cough turns into a gag and subsequent pukefest.

It was the worst kind. It went on and on and on. The arm used to cradle her was now cradling the pool of stomach contents and bile. I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get the two of us off the bed without the massive amount of "stuff" being strewn across our bed and sheets, penetrating deeper into our hair, further staining our clothing, littering the floor and ultimately being forced down the shower drain.

Ethan stood there in shock, not moving an inch. Sadie came running in and turned on this freakish little Nurse Nellie routine, shouting, "I'll got get the....," and she trailed away, not really knowing what to actually get for us. Jay, who had already fallen asleep beside me, continued to sleep through the entire ordeal. And, all I could think about was protecting my precious laptop from an encounter with yuck.

I roused Jay from his sleep with a loud, "SAVE THE LAPTOP!" Meanwhile, Ethan remained fixed, occasionally sticking his head out to examine what was covering us. He began to emit his own gagging noises and I banished him from the room. Sadie came running back into the room, throwing paper towels at us along with the family "puke pot." At that point, I figured I should just make a run for the shower holding Lily in my arms, sticking together with the putrid ejection.

Sadie helped Jay, who had finally gotten out of bed, collect the soiled clothes, the bed linens and towels and start the laundry. She even asked him if she needed to unload the dishwasher! Something about that makes me giggle. But, she wanted to do everything she could think of the help. She was ALL about action! Precious.

It reminded me of the time that Lily got into Jay's heart medication when we were trailer camping at the Oak Hollow Campground while we rented our nice, cozy house to market visitors and ended up staying 3 days at Brenner's Children's' Hospital (future potential post). During the initial discovery, Sadie transformed into the "emergency director." She really tapped into this high-level leadership mode. While I was in panic mode, trying to track down Jay, Sadie shouted orders to everyone to get their shoes on and handed me MY purse and said let's get in the car!

Back to my night...Ethan poked his head in every once in a while to check for more contents, discuss the nastiness of it all and crack a couple of jokes - what is it about an 8 year old and vomit? In the shower, Lily cried little tears and declared it was the hot dog that Daddy made her eat.

Once clean, laundry begun, sheets changed, Jay promptly went back to sleep, Lily too. I sit wedged with her and the "vomit bucket" as I type. Sadie and Ethan decided to sleep in the living room on the "new rug." Again, I am at a loss as to why anyone would want to sleep on the floor rather than a bed, but whatever. For some reason the new rug is a draw. I just tucked them and Dixie in and gave them a kiss. As I bent down to Ethan, he thought he would be cute and pretend-gag right in my face. Nice. Sadie wanted to read about dogs and Dixie nipped at my heel.

I sit here, still smelling some tiny bit of wretchedness lingering somewhere, missed. I think about what I wrote in "That's Just How I Roll". Had my plans for this evening remained unchanged, I could have missed out being the target of projectile regurgitation. And, I would have missed these little snippets into my children's personalities, a chance to comfort my littlest one and remember that my purpose is right here, rolling with them.