Friday, March 06, 2009

Things That Consume Me

Not trying to be narcistict, but I think a lot. Probably way too much. I mull, consider, meditate, toss, turn, work, brood, analyze, deliberate, reflect, ponder, and stew things until frankly they are all-consuming at times. I would like to believe that it is because I am a "creative" type, but, the more probable reality is that I am obsessive. My brain is constantly putting together connections between the experiences and information that comes into my atmosphere. I thought if I write out this list then maybe I will be able to de-clutter my brain and I become a productive member of least for a day or so. Here is what has been on my mind lately:

1. Really misinterpreted lyrics to songs. When I was little, I thought the song, "Jet Airliner" by Steve Miller really said this: "We Go Jam at the Diner." Never mind the rest of the song makes NO sense in relation to that complete failure on my part to actually hear and interpret correctly. Why was I thinking that this morning? Because I heard the song, "She's a Bad Mamma Jamma" after taking the kids to school. Figuring I had more mistaken lyrics in my head, I came home and googled it. Nope. I have it right. But what in the world is a "Mamma Jamma"? Obviously, in his mind, Carl Carlton sees this as a "good" thing as a mamma jamma has all the things a man likes. Worldly? Yes.

2. Why is it ok to not return phone calls and emails? I need to let this one go. I am fiercely loyal and have learned that throughout my life, I cannot discern healthy and unhealthy relationships unlike most folks who can. Therefore, I tend to stay in relationships that are destructive and unhealthy for me as a result. I always need more closure, to have nothing left unsaid. For once, I need to digest that enough has been said. Time for strength and resolve.

3. Costumes, costumes, costumes. I worked like a woman possessed on Sadie's "Cindy Loo Who" costume for Dr. Seuss day at school. I scored a fiber optic Hannah Montanna wig at WalMart on clearance for $3. Taking a coat hanger I wove the hair into braids and ultimately into that cone shape on top. There are two takes on the Cindy costume - retro cartoon Cindy with those little antenna and pink Mortisha Adams pink dress or Jim Carrey movie Cindy with the funky hair and clothes. We went with the latter. Jay took a pic of me wearing the wig. With my mustard yellow sweater vest, I looked like something slave girl #2 would wear out of Star Trek. Next up...Ethan's costume as... get this...Wilbur Wright of the Wright Brothers. All I can think of is a coat, knickers, bow tie and pipe. I know he won't be caught dead in knickers like I fashioned in 5th grade (thank you, mom), but maybe I can find a bow tie at WalMart on sale.

4. Do I ever want to diligently work on getting a few of my pieces ready to send to publishers? Tough call. My pleasure at the moment is this random, thoughtless writing. Where is my motivation? Where is my muse? Missing for the moment. Or, is this like Rock Band? Just because I play the songs on the Hard level, doesn't mean I can become a drummer.

5. Is everyone on some sort of depression/anxiety medication? I ask this honestly. I think almost every mom I know is taking a pill - Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Xanax, etc. I am not judging anyone as I have partaken at one time, but are we collectively that miserable? What is different from our mothers' lives that makes our emotions totally unpredictable and whacky? Were they just better at hiding it? Can we chalk it up to busy, demanding lives or even simpler, too much hormone in our milk? Please don't think I am judging, as there is certainly a time and place, but the fact that each of these meds have their own websites strikes a dischordant nerve with me.

6. Guilt. Tons and heaps of it. Some misplaced and false and some well-deserved. First and foremost is the RUSH gym membership whose payment is drafted from our checking account each month and with whom I have a ridiculously long contract. In fact, I know I should have run right out the door the minute they presented it to me. But, I didn't because this time it was going to be different. Ha! It has not been utilized since hmmm, October...maybe? I have NO excuses. The kid are in school every morning and even if they weren't they have free childcare. I even have friends that go there. Every month around the 14th (the day the draft takes place), the guilt comes anew. Why don't I just go? Guilt. Definitely a list I should make separately.

7. Food. Particularly Doritos. I haven't purchaed them in years. Yet, yesterday, under the flimsy and thinly veiled excuse of purchasing them for my niece and nephew who are visiting this weekend, I grabbed a bag of Doritos Collision. It combines 2 flavors in 1 bag. In this case Chipotle Ranch and Zesty Taco. Did you know their slogan is, "Prepare to take snacking to a whole new level"? Yeah, I hear ya Frito Lay, a new level of addiction! What do these people put into these chips and cheese dust that draws you in like crack cocaine? Check out the link I included...there is definitely something sinister there. Maybe now I can view them in the light they should be...the predawing of the anticrhist. You have probably guessed by now that my niece and nephew will not be able to partake in the eating of said Doritos, because I finished off the bag this morning.

8. Multiple posts on this topic and it still haunts me. Ironing. Loathsome. But today, necessary. Or is it? What if I just didn't do it?

9. Read this line. Wish I had written it. The worst of our world at the moment: " the celebration of celebrity and novelty over authenticity and seriousness." Marinate on that for a moment.

10. A random selection of other thoughts without detail...Ethan's possible ADD, my weight and healthy eating, picking up Lily on time today, the curious little piles of dirt all throughout the kitchen and dining room, massive colony of ants found in the dining room attracted to Dixie's snacks, calling the lawyer about stock set-up issue for our company, the 10 reasons I need to go to Greensboro for errands, my grandfather's health as he is still in the hospital, how my grandmother will cope if he dies, the "letter" I must read next week to my counselor, wondering how it will go with my niece and nephew this weekend and what they have endured since the last time I saw them, what I would do for a massage and pedicure. I could go on and on and on. Actually, is this anxiety? Let me check out that Xanax again...

What consumes you today?


Victoria said...

"2. Why is it ok to not return phone calls and emails? But, I need to let this one go. I am fiercely loyal and have learned that throughout my life, I cannot discern healthy and unhealthy relationships like most folks. Therefore, I tend to stay in relationships that are destructive and unhealthy for me as a result. I always need more closure, to have nothing left unsaid. For once, I need to digest that enough has been said. Time for strength and resolve."

Girl, it's like you read my diary!

Angela said...

Ok, we are just too much alike. I was thinking earlier today that I think way too much. Sometimes it would be nice to have an occasionally empty brain. And #2- I'm so with you about that.

Robin said...

I am right there with you. My mind is going all the time. I am impressed you take the time to write about the "stuff". You write really well!!
I have been thinking non stop about the fact that every mom I know is taking some sort of medication! What is up??? Are we all that miserable or do we just think things should be easier with raising kids? Is life harder than that of our mom's time? ( I actually think it proably is ) Are mom's today disconnected and lonely? I read ( have not finished ) a book entitled Perfect Madness: motherhood in the Age of Aniexty. Super interesting about todays mom's and the problems that society has created for mom's.
I have all the same questions you do and alot of theories. I told Pete the other day I should go back for a doctorate and focus on this topic.

jenniferkk said...

You are not alone! You know I think as much as you do...I like to call it introspection. And you know our NC public school system consumes my thoughts!
1. Instead of "Get Down Tonight" by KC & Sunshine Band, I sang "It's Dynamite" for years.
2. It's not okay. Our society has made it acceptable but that doesn't make it right.
3. You are such a better mom than me with all these costumes. You definitely are the "creative" type as you say. (And Ethan needs to be bald like Wilbur!)
5. Been there, done that. Happily I say, this too shall pass for everyone. If that's what it took for me to learn to let things go and not be so uptight, so be it.
6 & 8. Cancel the gym membership and use that money to take the clothes to the cleaners for ironing!
10. I'm certain Ethan does not have ADD. He is a BOY as defined in the late 70s. Why have we labeled children and added yet another need for medication into our society? Read Bose Ravenel's theories and solutions...they will work!

Anonymous said...

sorry... but i'm not a mom (wish i was a dad tho) so, i cant fully empathize with you on that aspect. But the constant chatter in my head thing is realevant. I only WISH i could think about one thing at a time. Like someone asked me how old i was and the ol noodle just took off. I replied " Well i'm 9 in leap years or 252 in dog years (how old is turtle years?)".
Sometimes i can have whole conversations and scenarios play out in my head in 3 seconds. One thing i did find that helps was to keep my hands busy with wood working or something creative or artistic. So i was glad to find there are others whose thoughts comsume them as well. So please keep writing more as i found it entertaining and a laugh riot to hear others rants and cranial whispers.