Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Sadie declared she was going to love on our dog, Bobo. He is an outside dog with one eye who really deserves his own post. Old, faithful, slightly nasty, Bobo.

Anyway, she came inside and asked for a snack. I said - sure, but make sure you wash your hands. She came back to ask if she could have the "bad mommy snack du jour" Yogos. I saw that her hands were wet, but I had a feeling no soap had been applied. She was standing in the door frame and put one hand on the white painted frame. Here is the conversation:

"Sadie, did you wash your hands?"
"Yes."
"Did you use soap?"
"No, but I am the only one who will touch my Yogos."

I love her qualifier. At least she doesn't want to get anyone else sick, but is ok with making herself sick. At this point she moved away from the door frame. There was this nasty little muddy imprint left on my white painted door frame.

See, Sadie, that is why you need to use soap!

On another note...if you have never purchased Yogos for your kids...DON'T! I only bought them because they were at Aldi's and appeared to be a good price. They taste disgusting, but my kids would lie, cheat and steal to get them. I don't want to think about the nutritional value...or lack thereof.

God's flashlight

I read this today in another blog I frequent. It was about his children:


I'm stunned and humbled seeing the pure goodness that radiates from these small things that sprang from my wife's body and introduced me to the person that I'm supposed to be. It's like someone pressure washed all of the dreck from a few pieces of my personality, put them together with many more pieces of my wife's personality and then repackaged it into a living reminder of that there are good things in the world.


What struck me was the writer's statement that his children introduced him to the person that he is supposed to be. How true I have found this to be. To that end I would say that they have introduced me to the person I really am. In general, it is not a pretty sight.


I have long said that my children have brought all of my sin to the forefront - the proverbial 'slammed by a mack truck,' if you will. Acted-out anger, impatience, selfishness are showcased like a very bad junior high talent show that keeps repeating itself - ad nauseum. When I look at the bigger picture, I find I can add anxiety and worry as they go about their day with out me in their physical presence. Don't even get me started about my control issues! That was the specific purpose of one of my children.


How many times have I become extremely irritable because I have not gotten MY way - what I feel like I (key word) DESERVE. Hmmmm - sound familiar?!?! Sounds like a statement that my own children could make and I am supposed to be the adult, the parent, the one who instructs. At least I can say that I no longer stomp my feet in a fit of anger...well, actually, that would be a lie. I last stomped my feet and threw myself on my bed when I realized Jay had picked out and was already painting Ethan's nursery mint green instead of celadon green. Chalk that one up to hormones, plain and simple.


Instead of temper tantrums, I have become the MASTER of justification. OR should I say I can excuse any of my sinful behaviors with a wave of my hand. I am the parent, they are the children - end of story. Hmpf. But lately, God has brought me back under the examination light. The last three months have been a particularly tough time of evaluation. Pain, but good pain, I often say.

To evaluate each and every response with "die to self," has been an extremely difficult exercise and one that at times I feel is completely futile. To put aside the exhaustion, the emotional waste, the frazzled-ness, the lack of ME that my life holds on a continuous and consistent basis is well...painful. And let me be very, very clear - I fail more often than I succeed.

However, I do see some fruits of my labor. Slow changes, improvements, a better relationship with my kids. And although I can't say that their behavior has reached perfection, I see a change in my reaction to them. And, really, isn't that why God's light shines - to change me and draw me closer to Him?

6 word memoir update

J and I had a conversation regarding my cell phone or mobile phone (pick your terminology). It was a conversation that always begins with the same statement..."You would have known if you had your phone...insert sentence ending from the following:
1. on
2. with you
3. charged up.

I am adult, on most accounts. However, the mobile phone has reduced me to a child. I can't keep up with it, I can't keep it charged and I certainly can't be expected to have it with me AT ALL TIMES.

Jay just clips it to him daily- actually, I think he is now a part of that subculture that alters their body (i.e. Lizard Man). He could become Cell Phone Man. If it weren't for upgrades I think he would have it surgically attached. He feels naked if he doesn't have it with him which I can only liken to jewelry for us. Seriously, which one is more important? Ladies?

So this twice weekly conversation ensues with the never-ending threat of having my phone turned off. I have actually begged for this to happen at one point because I just don't like the pressure of the mobile phone rules. Always on. Always charged. Always with you.

Long ago, I discovered my limits regarding responsibility. Ask my mom. I lost countless library books as a child, left lunches on the counter, forgot tennis rackets on game days, etc. And as an adult, it is not uncommon for me to completely miss scheduled dental appointments, double book events, etc. The pinnacle of this, which most of you know, is when I ACCIDENT LY left one of my kids at home (post to come - DON'T CALL DSS). Knowing this, J still thinks I am capable of owning a mobile phone. So, who just who is the irresponsible one here?

Therefore, my response to the mobile phone conversation we have been through a million times is to hang my head and say that I will try better next time -like a child.

Not knowing of the 6-word challenge, Jay responded by saying, "This should be your life statement, Kelsey:"

"I will, when my phone's charged."

Ha!

Focused Talent

Today, my mom took Gray, Sadie and me to see the local community theater's production of "High School Musical." On the way to meet my mom and Gray, Sadie began singing. It was the sweetest sound. I didn't know this song was part of her limited repertoire. A soft and very in-tune voice sang, "Here comes the sun...ado-do-do-do. Here comes the sun - ado-do-do-do. It's all right." She sang straight to my prideful heart.

Onto the show...I must be one of the few parents who is not well versed in the High School Musical saga or songs. I have not seen the movie. I can only liken its popularity to the movie of my generation...GREASE. Surprisingly, HSM is quite innocent in compared to the pregnancy scare and the innocent-turned-prostitute story line of GREASE. What were our parents thinking????

All in all, this performance of HSM was a great show with an incredible amount of talent. We all enjoyed it a lot. During the show, I looked over at Sadie who was absolutely glued to the performers (except for one incident referenced below). I thought - wow - she could be on that stage one day. She has such a pretty, velvety voice - prideful heart growing. What talent - she could be a star. And then...she made her best effort to clap to the songs along with the rest of the audience. I had no idea that some one could not hear the beat to a song as obviously as she didn't. Amazing. How can someone sing, in-tune, and then be completely void of rhythm, slapping hands together in such a spasmoid fashion? Isn't it supposed to be like Ebony and Ivory - side by side in perfect harmony? Prideful heart deflated and back to reality.

Ok - so when I try to describe my children to other people, it is tough to describe Sadie and her idiosyncrasies. Seriously, the child truly marches to the beat of her own drummer. This is where she became completely side-tracked at the show. We had popcorn in a typical red and white box - who knew they served this during the musical? Anyway, somewhere during middle of the second act, she finished up the box. She was frustrated by the end of the box because it was the foldable kind and she kept losing popcorn out of the bottom because she stuck her fingers through it. So, here is this empty popcorn box, normally placed on the floor of the theater and taken to the trash at the end of the show. Instead, Sadie begins to reconfigure the box into something useful. What could you possibly need at a community theater production? Why some sort of viewing device/binoculars! She pushed open the bottom of the box and started tearing off the perforated top. At this point I realized what she was doing. She wanted to use the box to view the performance - holding the empty box up to her eyes and peering through the bottom to the stage. It would block other peoples' views and when she turned to the left, she would hit unsuspecting Gray. So, I took it away and told her that she could have it at the end of the show. After each song (about 4 songs left) she would ask, in that voice that tried to be a whisper, but came out nearly a yell, if that was the last song. She was a complete ball of frustration, irritation with a smidgen of anger. At one point I told her that we would have to go outside and miss the rest of the show if she didn't stop asking about the end of the show or her box. Her response was..."Can I have my box if we leave?" UGH! And this, my friends, is Sadie. Where is that box, you might ask? Sitting on my desk (in the basement - see post 4/11, No Room in the Inn), untouched since we left the theater. I brought it in after seeing it had been discarded and forgotten in the car. Sigh.

Ah - my little perplexing and challenging and tenacious Sadie. I completely love you... wonderful, perfectly-made you!

Love infinity

Stillness, silence, a dark night that was suffocating. I was completely lost, but knew where I was. I drove home, alone, from saying goodbye to her for the last time. The road was lonely, I was empty. I don't know how I drove. My snapshot of that time in the early morning hours is like a tunnel, only able to remember what was right in front of me, the 5-lane road sending me home and nothing on the periphery. I made one phone call. A friend's voice on the other end. The same voice at the other end that was there for the first call I made when cancer invaded my life some 3 years prior. Just as she did three years ago, she wept with me. I had to fight down the sobs to even get breath to speak the news. I whimpered the words. The whimper ended with a new noise for me - a small moan that involuntarily slipped out whenever I exhaled in attempt to gather my composure. A moan that made its appearance with regularity over the next month. I knew I had to get off the phone or I would no longer be able to drive. I began to drive with force. I wanted my family. I wanted my husband. I wanted my home. I wanted the familiar because nothing about me was that any more.

I arrived with a heaviness that continued to sink me to deepest depths of sorrow and grief. I walked in the door. J met me and held me while I let out the deepest of cries and nearly collapsed on the floor of our kitchen.

We had a guest in our house that night. A college friend had spent the night with the expectation of going with me to visit her in the hospital. She had traveled from NY to be here. My walk up the stairs to guest room where she was getting ready was long. She had no idea I had left in the night and she didn't know that her initial purpose in coming was gone. I knocked on the door. She opened it, apologetic because she was not ready and it was our decided time to leave. She took one look at me and said, "What's wrong." I knew she had already figured it out by my pained expression and already swollen eyes. We held each other and cried. It was surreal that she was gone, but more surreal to tell someone who was not a part of my every day norm. No where in all of my imaginings, planning or preparations for this inevitable day was my friend a part of this initial stage. It was God's timing.

She stayed with me while J went to work to wrap up a couple of loose ends for what would be nearly a week off from work. I was exhausted, I was overcome but most interestingly, I was sick. So very sick that all I could do was throw up. I would make it to the toilet to wretch my digestive track up to my throat and back down again. Then, I would collapse on the bathroom floor mat out of weakness. I would wait until I gained enough strength to crawl back to my bed. I believe that out of all of God's blessings during this time, this was His greatest.

I know that has to be a very incredulous and unfathomable statement. I had just lost my only sibling, my best friend. Most people would say that God added insult to injury with this attack on my body. But here is a different perspective on the God I love. I had not experienced this level of vomiting since I was a child. My body screamed with aches that could only be equated with being bludgeoned. My eyes were so miserably sore that it felt like someone had kneaded them like dough. I was in a complete fog. I could not think. I could not process. I could not focus. Therefore, I could not begin to comprehend reality. God spared me the entire fullness of the loss. He gave it to me in small doses, in the smallest increments. He allowed me not to feel the enormity for hours, but only for minutes - the minutes when I stumbled back into reality between phases of my coma-like sleep. For innumerable phases during the past three years, I had exhausted much of my mental capacity on figuring out how I was going to exist those first 2-3 days after her death - to no avail.

He had. He knew. He spared me. He loved me to the point of my greatest need.

Trust the Lord with all your heart. Lean NOT on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Amen.

My 6 Word Memoir

Yay! I have been tagged by Robin! Yippee! I have to come up with a 6-word memoir. My first instinct made for a somewhat negative response. I am going through some sort of emotional period. It is not because of THAT period, but it may be linked to being delegated to our basement (see April 11 post), stress from trying to learn our company's new software (so out of my element), or the worst possibility...I am starting "the change". Isn't it too early for me at 37, I mean 36?!?!? I have had some random hot moments, but only at night. Does that count? I found myself trying to shop in the juniors department at stores in hopes that it might somehow will my body to reverse course. It is all in your mind, right? Ridiculous.

In light of the above...here is my first attempt:

She bought juniors instead of seniors.

Doesn't really work. So, I look elsewhere in my life for other inspiration. Next thought was on my emotions. I cried and cried and cried yesterday because I though that ONE boy in Ethan's class was excluded from a birthday party to which all the other boys were invited. I understood from Ethan that he knew about the party and he asked the birthday party boy several times if he was going to get to go to it. His questions were simply ignored, according to Ethan. According to Ethan, the birthday boy told the other boys that everyone was invited except for this boy. I hope, with all of my heart, that this boy did not realize that everyone else had been invited. My heart hurt for him and his mother, who might have had to comfort him. To make matters worse, all I could visualize was this little boy, the only boy, waiting to be picked up while all the other boys traipsed off for a classmate's party. I couldn't believe the parents would allow such a thing. I cried on and off last night over this issue. BUT WAIT! I did some investigating and found out today that the boy WAS in fact invited and just couldn't go. I am a little confused, but I have to trust the information from the teacher.

Based on that, here is memoir #2:

She cried buckets for no reason.

Ok - so that is not really an accurate portrayal of me over a lifetime. I am less a cryer and more of a solver. This leads me to ... my relationship with God at the moment. I am going through a lot of change in my life (see ALL of the above). My life's snapshot is always that of a tug of war between letting go and letting God. I am such a control person - maybe not so much wanting to control it all, but wanting to be knowledgeable of the future and security. Therefore, when I say I look to my relationship with God "at the moment," it really is a lifelong issue for me. When does God ask me to play a role and when I am I to sit quietly by, waiting for Him?

Based on that, here is my final and probably most accurate memoir:

She desires release and wants God.

No Room in the Inn

It is that time of year - that twice a year event that happens in our town, the "Furniture Capital of the World." A place where, "All the World Buys Here," to coin another one of their slogans. Or, the latest, "The World's Home for Home Furnishings" - how clever. This town has been my home for all but a few scant years so it almost is a measure of time for me. "I think I saw them a couple of furniture markets ago", etc. People in this area don't plan weddings or other events during the months of April or OCtobe because every space, caterer, and florist is tied up with serving this industry.

I was tied to this town because my father is a furniture designer - soon to retire. I spent time in showrooms as a young child while my dad feverishly put last minute hardware on casegoods (layman's term - wood furniture) in preparation for opening day. During high school I worked at the priciest and consequently, the "place to be seen" restaurant in High Point. This restaurant actually had career waiters who made about 50% of their yearly income at these two markets. My first couple of "career' jobs were also in the industry - one of the industry's largest and most known manufacturers followed by a stint at THE industry publication. So, to say that I am the expert of the High Point market may be a little exaggerated, but I do feel that I can say we are acquaintances.

Over the past couple of years, my relationship with the market has now been reduced to "landlord." Yes, we do what a medium percentage of High Pointers do during market - we rent our house. This is such a foreign concept for people who have never lived here - "You mean you rent your house to COMPLETE strangers?" "I could never do that!" "I couldn't stand having someone rifle through my things."

PEOPLE! Oh yes you would! You would if you got $5-7,000 of tax-free money for about 20 days out of the year. You would sell yourself to whomever wanted to lay their head down on "your" pillow. You would buy new linens, paint whole rooms, clean out closets and drawers, get your windows washed, wipe down your tooth brush holder, scrub your sink with vinegar and a toothbrush, even buy bottled water and fruit baskets to have "complete strangers" roll out the big bucks and become repeat customers.

You will search high and low for the ultimate destination for your family while these "complete strangers" sleep comfortably in "your" bed. You will farm family members here and there, scattered like dice on a craps table. You will go on Disney vacations (spending your market rental money in one quick swoop), you will call up old friends to visit in far away towns, you will leech off coworkers, you hole up in your basement like a bunch of mole people who shush their children until they begin to scream HUSH, you will even camp at the local swampground, I mean, campground during the first rain events to happen in three months. During this stay in waterworld, your child might ingest your husband's heart medication which has not lockable/unreachable location in the camper. This requires a trip to the emergency room and an admittance for three days. Ironically, it results in the best sleep you will experience in comparison to the camper while "complete strangers" sleep in "your" bed.

So, here I sit...in my basement. Day 6 of 10. We are fortunate. We have great renters who have been with us for the 5th market. They are very kind, very clean and very appreciative of my OCD cleaning tenancies.

However, I liken the entire process to pregnancy and birth. The first time, you don't know what to expect. You clean like a woman possessed. You spend a month cleaning every crack and crevice of your home - wiping down walls, every light fixture, cleaning out the pantry and refrigerator, making innumerable trips to good will., even resorting to vacuuming the tops of door frames that you realize were never painted because they are NEVER SEEN! Your due date, I mean, the check-in date of your market guests arrives and running out of time you leave your kids strapped in your running car for two more hours watching a movie while you scramble to finish the "final clean" which two hours ago you thought would only take "another 30 minutes." You leave, exhausted, beaten, with hands so parched from cleaners and water that no amount of lotion or paraffin wax can resuscitate them. Your car is loaded with everything you think you might need for another 10 days and you head to whatever temporary shelter you have arranged. The market guests are born, I mean, they have arrived. You spend the next 10 days trying to figure out your new schedule, your new temporary home. You try NOT to feed your kids fast food every meal and get them in bed before 10 all the while realizing that it is national testing week and you forgot their library books. Just like with a newborn, you are juggling it all and getting not one ounce of sleep. You stress, you cry, your whole self is on edge as you try to maintain the schedule you had before the "arrival. You remember your house as you left it - so clean you could run your tongue along the front door handle and have not one smidge of petri dish nightmare on it - just like reminiscing of your life prior to the your newborn.

You round the bend, you are heading into home (literally). You walk in the door to your home which smells like "complete strangers" who have been sleeping in "your" bed. You unpack. Not only do you unpack the 10 day supply of items you took initially, but you return all the things you picked up on subsequent trips back to the house to clean (extra socks, books for the kids, sunscreen, heavier coats, a random pot, canned goods that were never opened the last market).

Oh, yeah, did I forget to mention becoming a hotel maid? Yeah. Nothing like cleaning up after "complete strangers"who are sleeping on "your" bed. Washing your sheets they have slept on, cleaning your toilet they have...well, you know. "Complete strangers" who have intimate knowledge about your clothing, toiletries and food habits. They may even, suck in all the air in the room, decide they don't like how you have decorated and make a few changes of their own.

You sit down in your clean house (after you have cleaned it upon your return so you can live in it again). For a brief moment, all seems well. Translates: Your baby is sleeping, content with milk, smiling in his sleep. And you are there to capture it all.

Maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe, just maybe, you will have another child - Oops, I mean, try renting again, to "complete strangers" sleeping in "your" bed.

DISCLAIMER: Some, but not ALL, of the examples listed have been my experience. They have been told to me by other "landlords."

Monday, April 7 2008

Sadie was at the table in the basement today. She told me she wanted to color. I was washing dishes and she began to work. She finished her drawing and said, "Do you like my picture of Mamie?" I looked, amazed that she was the focus of her drawing today. It was sweet, smiling face with brown curly hair. Very Mamie. I asked Sadie what she remembered about Mamie. She said that she remembered her smiling. And, Sadie said that she could talk to her all the time because she is with her, in her heart. Sadie asked a few questions about the geography of heaven, if we sent balloons there, if you go up in space are you there, etc. Regardless, of my answer, I could see in her eyes that she believes with all her heart that heaven is real, and most importantly she wants to go there without any reservation.



Lily told me today that she was playing with "engine" turtles (instead of ninja turtles). We sat at the piano and played a bit today. I actually tried to teach her how to play a few notes of Heart & Soul. What was I thinking - she is 3 for crying out loud. Anyway, while I played she sat beside me and leaned in putting her head against my arm. What a sweet little moment between the two of us.

Ethan told me he had a good God moment today. Someone called someone else in the class a "butt cracker". Actually, it was whispered into his ear on the way back from the playground. Not totally sure what that means exactly, but anyway, I asked what he did. Ethan said that he told him to stop that it would hurt the other boy's feelings. Yay, Ethan.

So, I am trying to keep a list of things that I worry (not sinful-keep-me-awake-at-night worry, but just fleeting-should-I-be-concerned worry) about because I don't know how they work... OR something along those lines. I'll figure out the category as I go along because I am not sure all the things that infiltrate that area of my brain.

Issue #1: I worry about setting the house on fire when I dim the lights to their lowest point. I don't know why, but it seems to me that it would short them out or frazzle them or something. Maybe it is because I really don't trust the electrical in this house. Certainly it is not because I don't know everything there is about domestic electrical wiring - HA HA!

And, finally, if a certain person reading this blog DARES to show up at my house for any fun event with electrical wires or a manual or anything - I will find ways to use bananas.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Conversation told to me by Sadie's teacher - Miss Adkins
Setting: Chapel - Mr. P was talking about needing the key to heaven - Jesus
Sadie tapped on Miss Adkins arm, looked up at her and said, "My aunt had the key to heaven."
A sweet and special little moment - a look inside her heart.
Today Sadie said she was going outside so she could spend some time talking to God and Mamie. :)

Conversation told to me by Tina B:
Last night we had small group. Lily was playing outside with the other kids. When it was time to come in, Tina B told them they all had to wash their hands. Lily licked both of her hands and declared, "all clean!" UGH and YUCK! Where in the world did she get THAT idea?!?!?

Ethan this morning - Mom, you are the best mom ever, in the world. Not sure what I did to deserve that comment as it was their Dad who got up early and fixed them pancakes from scratch!!! Oh well, I'll take it, save it for a lousy day!

My children are all so very different. I love it! Thank you God. I think that it will really help any jealousy or competition between them as they will excel in all different areas.

Ethan - could be a philosopher, a theologian, a writer
Sadie - professional athlete, artist, possible scientist
Lily - public speaker, leader (i.e. dictator), mathematician

I will have fun looking back on this when they get older and see what God has in their lives!

Dad is taking the 5 grandchildren to the movies today- I am in total shock! It is the first time and I pray that mine will be great listeners and mannerly. He won't do it again if they don't -no pressure or anything!

Easter tomorrow - praise for Jesus - my heart is full - and I want to fall down on the floor for all he has done for me. We got our first offer of equipment today - and we don't open until May1. The customer is willing to wait until then. PRAISE - PRAISE - PRAISE. God's blessing on our lives is so incredible and I am so undeserving of it. May I use it how He wants me to.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy St. P Day! Actually, I could care less about it - I mean, I am not Irish - so why should I participate. I forgot to tell the kids. Sadie was spared the obligatory pinching, but Ethan was not so lucky. He was a little perturbed at me. Oops! I told him I would try to remember next year.

Lily was her usual bossy little self today. I found myself being the patient to her doctor late this morning. I was laying on her floor as she poked, prodded and gagged me. It was delightful. I got the biggest kick out of realizing that underneath her doctor smock, she had on no panties. As she bent over to shove the thermometer in my mouth, I was a little startled and started laughing. I couldn't help it - I had forgotten to get her a new pair right after she went potty - obviously, she didn't care.

We dyed Easter eggs Saturday night. What fun! It was nice to only have that overwhelming feeling right at the start - everyone excited, materials not quite ready, hands reaching and grabbing, boiled eggs being held too tightly or dropped on the table, etc. Everyone settled down and got busy. Even Lily took her time and enjoyed it. We all got 4 eggs - Jay did 2. Sunday, I made egg salad which no one will probably eat! Sadie liked dying the tops and bottoms different colors. Ethan liked writing things on his eggs. Lily liked using the q-tips and coloring her egg with it - made an attempt at writing her name, too. We had an egg hunt at church after KidsStuff - They LOVED it. It was great - no one grabbed, no one panicked and even Lily loved it. All day today she was opening up her eggs to reveal the hidden treasures. I can't imagine how much candy she actually consumed!

We had family time dinner tonight- the kids ate like little piglets. They kept thanking me for the dinner which made me feel so good. Sadie's has really started turning out the prayers - really heart-felt stuff. It makes me feel that she is growing in her faith. It is great. She told Lily that she needed to be nice to people or else they wouldn't want to be her friend. Maybe some of this is becoming apparent to her (Sadie) - realized, known, and most importantly experienced. She surprised me greatly this weekend on two occasions - she really thought about someone else before herself. It was great to witness. I took her aside on Saturday and spent some special time with just her, telling her how proud I was of her - how I could see her changes and effort. She beamed. We took a great little snuggly nap together. So sweet. She has wanted me to fix her hair lately - pigtails. Another wonderful event because it shows that she wants to present herself as maybe a little more polished. I want to be careful to not to promote beauty, but promote taking care of yourself.

And, maybe most interesting...she ROCKED on Saturday at the last Upwards basketball game. I couldn't believe the improvement. First, I was talking with another mom and I started hearing parents cheering - someone said, "Go Sadie!" I looked up and there she was hovering over Hunter Gines (a boy in her class). She would not let him get past her with the ball - she was all over him. It was a shining moment in what I could see could be a long career in sports. She continued to play strong defense and attempted to make 4 baskets, made several assists ALL while being the ONLY girl on the floor. At the after game meeting, Coach Blackburn told Sadie it was THE play of the season! She got the Christ-like award and the defensive player award. WAY TO GO SADIE! You are fearless!

As I write this about her, my heart is so heavy. Painful - pity - I don't know how else to describe my feelings about Gray. There is a little girl whose years are lost - the days are not marked with milestones. No one is writing down her accomplishments. No one is teaching her about finding her worth in Christ. No one is giving her the attention in her life that makes her feel secure or helps her to know that she is so incredibly loved. Well, at least no one in her immediate zone. I don't know how to help them. I don't know how to save them. I wish more than anything that their situation were different. My God - why do you allow this to happen to your children. I know the answer, God, I do. I trust that You will bring them out of this, that these experiences will bring them to a deeper reliance on You.

My heart is no longer filled with anger or bitterness. Instead it is pity and sorrow. The brokenness that is sure to come will be heavy and painful. I brace myself for it as I know that those around will feel the affects.

I must move on.

Sunday, Lily had her hair in braids - so incredibly cute with those glasses. She had on a dress with a red cardigan, white socks and red Mary Janes. She just be-bopped herself around showing off her braids (which were quite long). I could have just GOBBLED her up. When we arrived at KidsStuff- she just RAN into the show and started dancing, jumping and singing. Everyone around me (Debbie Cooper and Beth) just started laughing - we couldn't help it - it was just so darn CUTE!

Ethan had a great long weekend. He went to the barn to work on Thurs afternoon. I think he is itching to ride - maybe this week. He spent Friday morning with the Silver's at Peyton Fowler's grandfather's farm. He played hard - riding bikes, playing with a donkey and all sorts of other things. Then, Colby came over. They had such a SWEET time together. I love watching them play. They made a fort in the front circle - complete with tarp, sticks, blanket and Ethan said, an Activity Center. Colby even wrote down some rules (horribly misspelled, but readable). At one point I saw them with their shirts off on the trampoline. I just wish they had more time like that together. They played Star Wars Lego, checked out some I Spy books together...Ethan was in heaven.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Lily:
Accomodating Esotropia - new glasses, doing well - surgery still possible.
Needs to help mom "Brush" the potato crumbs out of the bed - which she can't do because she doesn't have a brush

Sadie:
Throwing away school work - the devastating revelation that her mean mommy does
Crushed at having to leave the puppies when Bobo was nearly attacked by momma dog - she hated Bobo at that moment

Ethan:
Sweet, sweet older brother to Lily - caters to her, loves her, likes for her to sleep with him - without bringing to his bed "beep beep or sound toys" as he has taught her to say
Feeling a little sicky today - sore throat - handling it quite well.

The end of an era - the revolving door of pets in the Dumoulin household. Over the past three years, we have had:
1 dog
2 cats
3 puppies (sweetie, and two other found puppies)
4 love birds
2 hermit crabs - one of which made trip to church in Sadie's underwear and then, forgotten, spent time in my car
Not pets, but found three wild birds in the house, one baby squirrel and a bat
2 field mice - one found in car, one found in pantry and then lost in my car, then caught in my car, then clubbed to death by Sadie.

Now - we have:
1 dog - Bobo - who we started with and will end with. NO MORE PETS! I can't take it and will not suffer through any more tears from my children. As I write this, the children have not noticed that the birds have been gone for over a week. That pretty much says it all - who took care of the pets, who loved them. Actually, it is probably not their tears I am tired of, it is mine. The only thing I take care of worse...houseplants. We have one, a peace lily, which has been here since Ansley's death. That would be a record. Only Bobo beats it (and he only has one eye).

Pathetic.

Tuesday, February 19, 2007 journal list

Things you love that I don’t:
Ethan:
Video Games
Fish
Beanie Weanies

Sadie:
A mess
Sleeping on top of covers
Hair that is styled all your own


Things that are uniquely you – that fascinate me:
Ethan:
Likes ears
Ability to remember from long ago
Dream up lego creatures
Deep thoughts about God
Wonderful singer
Space Cadet moments, totally in your own world


Sadie:
Sleeping on top of covers
Always sweating when sleeping
Ability to cut perfectly even tiny details
Dancing like no one is watching in your own Elaine-esque way
Loving all of God’s creation, especially animals
Can paint your toenails with precision at 6

Lily:
Your little gallop-run
Your eyes that wander
Hair with beautiful natural high-lights
Ability to laugh at absolutely nothing- just random acts of giggle
Your increasing southern drawl
Playing with a group of little things - you will talk to them, let them interact and make up your own little story - all by yourself, regardless of who is around.

Things that trouble me:
Ethan:
Ability to let others take the punishment for you
Concern about how others see you
Believing you know better than I do

Sadie:
Manipulative
Mean

Lily:
Sneaky

Things we are working on:
Ethan:
Trust
Self-worth in God
Anger

Sadie:
Kindness
Self-Control

Lily:
Obedience
Listening

Tuesday, February 19, 2007

So, there was no decided fate (see yesterday's part 2 blog). Instead, I got the - you need to change, stop yelling, end of story. No helpful hints, no teamwork, no encouragement, no prayers...NOTH - ING. Very frustrating. SO that furstration built over night, unbeknownst to me and grew into a yuck ball of "I hate everything, but mostly you, J." Great. Lost it again on my way out the door to pick up Lily. Emotions so out of control - anger so deep that I nearly drove away, never to come back again. I am so tired of life out of my control. Such a deep seeded issue for me that I don't know if it will ever be in the light and completely over. I hate this cycle and spent the better part of the drive calculating my next move and wondering to God why this keeps happening. The best part of the day was that I was stuck at Wal-Mart for 2.5 hours. Why, might you ask, is this the best part? I was waiting for a prescription transfer which takes some time. This allowed me to shop at my LEISURE - because I couldn't go anywhere else. How nice to spend as much time as I wanted walking the aisle...AND THEN... I saw it. John Rosemond's latest book on Parenting. I simply read the best part right there in the book section while my frozen chicken breasts were slowly defrosting. I got some great tips on how to get them to do the simple things, the simple tasks like putting clothes in the hamper. So, I picked up the kids from school and away we went home with my new plan and ideas prepared. Did it work? YES - in that the were receptive and not at all rebellious or whiney with the punishment which was quite severe for the act. Did they come out of their rooms with a new attitude - YES! Will it last? I sure hope so!!!! I will stay diligent in this new offensive against whiny, bas attitudes and apathy!!! Oh, and it probably didn't hurt that I found a fabulous pair of cropped stylishly dark jean pants for only $5! Whoo-hoo!

Monday, February 18, 2008 part 2

To my wonderful, darling children,

I am sorry. I am sorry that I completely lost my temper this morning. I am sorry that I do not know how to teach you to listen to me, to obey me, to want to help me. Instead, I resort to yelling, loudly, to get your attention and to let you know just how fed up I am. Do I expect too much of you - to keep your rooms clean? Have I let the routine of having a clean room at night slip through our fingers? How do I get you to put your clothes in the hamper? How do I teach you to slow down durng your school work (life) so that all that studying isn't wasted over a loss of 5 points because you forgot to write your name on your paper (wasted on the unimportant)? Have I lost sight of the respect that I (God) should get from my children (me)? Do you trust me? Do you know why I am trying to teach you and train you? Do you understand my frustration over your selfishness, your inability to look past your own desires? Isn't this all for your benefit? Could this be a letter written from God to me? Hmmm...

I lost it this morning over the fact that both children had playdates coming and their rooms had clothing, toys, etc. all over them. Now, should it really matter? Well, yes, because they couldn't really play in their rooms with anything because of the mess. Not to mention that their dad was supposedly on top of them last night to get it down.

It is very obvious to me that we need some new ground rules for Ethan and his attitude when he is out of control and disrespectful. I think I will go grab Jay to have a meeting to decide his fate.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dear Sadie,
You took an unscheduled nap this afternoon. It is not part of your every day, but once in a while, I can tell you just need it. You were behaving fine, today, with your playmate Cecilia over, but I thought a little down time after she left would be good. I have come to understand that after a few hours of play with a friend, you need a little time to yourself. But, I have to watch out that you don't sleep too long or you will spook around in your room when it is time for bedtime. So, I went upstairs and there you were. So sweet - so calm - so beautiful. Your lips were a little more pink than usual becuase of some chapping, your hair was all over the place - even a little wet from sweat. You were on the floor in a sleeping bag and around you were all sorts of pillows and toys - mainly barbies - making quite a nice little fort - almost like a princess palate. I sat and stared at you for a just a moment as I heard the timer go off on the oven downstairs. A rare, beautiful moment. Then it got better. I called your name - Sadie, Sadie Loo, time to get up. You popped open your eyes, but I could tell by the glassy look you weren't really awake. You stretched, you yawned, then you said, Mommy, can I go with you somewhere? I said, what? You said, I want to go somewhere today, just the two of us. Prescious little one...I can't, not today. We don't have plans to go anywhere today, but I would love to. You rolled over and quickly fell back asleep. I told you it was time to start waking up for dinner and then left. I didn't even hear you when you finally came downstairs. Instead, I found you lying on the floor of the kitchen in a sleeping bag and large white pillow watching Meet the Robinsons. Content and waking up on your schedule. I love you my little lamb chop.

February 10, 2008

Well, I have almost made it. Survival - and yet, even better. On top of the mountain, spiritually. Closing doors and feeling closure, a way to move on. Clarity from our God, from our Savior that has led me to a new depth in understanding. Life is smooth, peaceful...content.

Oh my goodness - how I just saw God's plan and timing for something. WOW. I was reading a past post about how sad I was about this school year without Ansley. This was a really low place for me. I was very lonely. I was thinking about all the plans Ansley and I had when the kids were going to be in school. Then she died...BUT GOD was faithful to meet me in my need. I never saw it in this light before...Jay quit his job in November. He has been there for me. Our marriage is restored, our lives are better, our family is whole and functioning on a level never before! It is awesome. HE IS AWESOME! His timing is perfect, his ways are made complete. Wow. Now, when Jay leaves for a business appointment, I am lonely for him - which is the way it is supposed to be!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Our day:
Woken up by Lily who was completely naked. She had stripped herself for some reason of her pull-up and gown. I think she had spent most of the night in bed with Ethan (clothed). After much prodding, I got up and made cinnamon buns for breakfast. Jay made me a cappuccino. I got back in bed to do my quiet time. Running late, I got a shower, got kids ready and jumped into the car (Jay's car) to start our day of birthdays. First to the Carousel Skating Center where we celebrated Cecilia's birthday. All kids skated and had a great time. We left to go to Alana's apartment which was located on south Main because we had 45 mins to kill before the next party. It was their first time to visit Alana's apartment. They enjoyed the hammock. We then took Ethan to LaserX for a party for Kevin Mullins. The girls were hungry so we pulled into CookOut for hot dogs. We decided to eat in the car in their parking lot. Realizing we were quickly running out of time, we raced to the WalMart on SouthMain to pick up a few things, Jay's prescription and Sadie's guitar toy which had finally arrived. We left without the prescription (the Pharmacy was closed from 1:30 - 2 and the guitar (I totally forgot). At least we got the groceries! We raced to LaserX and got there just in time to pick-up Ethan - who had won a cool shell necklace, rubber teeth and a rubber pop disc from the games. He was also quite red-faced and sweaty from all of the running around. Another goodie bag and into the car! On the way home, Sadie fell asleep and refused to get out of the car - even under threat of spanking if she wet her pants. Ethan had a melt down, questioning my love for him. We had a long, long talk through his tears and pleas for forgiveness. Lily went down for a nap. This is where I am. Jay has spent the day working on the paneling in the study, even with his jammed knuckle on his index finger from yesterday. So glad it is better. I should mention that I also had a mental breakdown, but for fear of reprisal, I won't go into details here. It has been an emotional day...so far

January 2, 2008

WOW - Does God speak when you beg Him, or what? Of course, I didn't get the precise answer I was looking for, HOWEVER, it does go along with letting go of control and letting God REIGN IN AND OVER ME!

January 1, 2008

A blender of pain and sadness, yet a dash of excitement of unknowns and possibilities. That is how I feel on this first day of a new year. I mean, for the first time in 7 years or so, I feel like I can actually redefine my goals, my plans, my fulfillment of who I am. The first 3-4 years were driven by babies, careers, building a house, moving. The last 3-4 years were driven by cancer and grief. So, now here I sit...UNGOALED! Is that even a word? Deep down, it is scary to not know 1) where you are going, but even more 2) not to have a direction to even start! I don't know what to do! Sure, I have children to attend to, but each passing day I see more and more independence. I know that Jay wants me to be his secretary and assistant (omg) when the business starts in May, but that want be my place for long. The business will take off (I feel complete confidence in this) and he won't need me. Additionally, this is clearly his dream. It is not mine. Although I don't know what my dreams are anymore. When did that happen? Who am I and what do I really want to do? What brings me happiness? What brings me joy? Of course the answer is God, but I mean is how does this translate to me...every day... in this world...in this place? What is it that I want to do OR more poignantly, what is it that God wants of me NOW?

Kids are good. Christmas vacation has been a total blast. Seriously, it has to have been one of the best. The kids are getting better, Jay has been into them and we have had some serious family time. I know the kids are getting the best end of Jay being home. Got all the Christmas loot assimilated into the rooms yesterday. Sadly, Sadie is over baby dolls. Actually, she was never really into them. She always loved stuffed animals and craft supplies. A ridiculous ocd goal alert coming up...I am going to spend an hour or so tomorrow putting doll clothes on all the babies as they are ALL naked. I hope that means that Lily will start to play with them a little more as she seems less inclined to take the clothes off. And, I hope it will cut down on the bin of babies and clothing. We put the play kitchen in Lily's room with food/dish gear. She seems totally obsessed with that Fisher Price pixter at the moment - like a hand held game thing. She wants it ALL the time. Ethan still loves all the lego and computer games. Jay installed his computer in his room and the girls got theirs in the bonus room. Hope that means they stay off of mine! Both are ready to register their second and third webkinz respectively.

Trying to get back into the swing of scrapbooking. I think that 2007 will be super easy with exception of the France trip. There just were many pics taken as in previous years. Whew! Still, looking for ways to get current and focusing on some different projects so I don't stay so stressed about being so far behind. I have no excuses, really. The room is ready and i have more than enough supplies. It just isn't as fun doing it alone.

Sadie has her first school playdate tomorrow - a little girl named Gracie. I think it will be a little hard because Sadie is so independent and plays with out needing me most of the time. Still don't have anyone for Ethan...he had a sleep over last night so I don't feel so guilty about it.

Oh, Ethan made his own "hero" online via a tv show. He had already done it and asked me to come see it. He typed in his hero's name...Mamy. So sweet. I asked why and he said because she told people about Jesus. I shed a tear. We had a long and exhausting cry on Christmas Eve about Ans. My birthday was hard. There is still such a void. Nothing really fills it. It is still very lonely. I miss her.... alot.

BUT - here is to a year of COMPLETE unknowns!!! It has to be better!