A good old-fashioned release of emotions

Ever felt like you wanted a do-over?  Or better yet, just wanted to pretend that world outside your house didn't exist?  The pressure cooker has hit its peak, or is it obvious?

I do not like drama and for the most part of my more mature life have done well to avoid it.  Something happened in the last 2 months, however, and I have been sucked in like a black hole.  Sometimes I have kept my feelings internal, sometimes I have not been able to contain them.  Either way, I am having a hard time letting what others say not fester in that pot o' muck inside me. 

I like blending into the background, skirting in the shadows, not making waves, being content with what I know and who I am. That has not happened lately and frankly, every time I turn around something or someone is figuratively slapping me in the face.  Criticism...left and right.  Stingers about my unruly kids, some ridiculous mess about a swim team, where my kids are swimming, questioning how much I really care about my kids, how much time I am spending away from my house, or too much time devoted to a worth cause, whispers of my name with darting eyes...yes, I see it.


I guess I have come to the conclusion that I am around a lot of people who are still relatively new to me.  They don't know me and my heart - just as I don't know theirs.  Therefore, they interpret actions, statements, etc. to be very different than my intentions. Gossip, morals, values, life's purposes and foci - all swirling around into some really bizarre and challenging outcomes and situations.  I feel very out of sorts in every environment this summer.  The perception is that I misstep at every turn and there is some sort of satisfaction at it being pointed out to me.

Maybe stick a fork in me. I am D-O-N-E.

Summer slows the writing down.  I haven't been inspired to put my thoughts down because really life has been churning out much of the same incidents and routines.  Well, except for the baby bird I found in Sadie's bed which she had been caring for about 4 days or so.  But, really, that isn't very shocking for those that have frequented this blog. I was turned away from writing because I felt it was turning into "My Outstanding Kids."  Of course, I know they are, but I don't need to write about them every time, now do I?

However, and there is always that word in my posts, events over the past week have changed a little of that and so I am ready to write this evening at 12:09 since I cannot sleep. 

Humanity is disappointing.  Though that sounds like a cynics statement, I find it almost uplifting.  Because in every way that humanity fails, which is does constantly, God does not.  My hope has to be found in Him, because otherwise, life would be a constant downer.  There is nothing better than rising above the fray and soaring through life on His wind. Absolutely nothing.

And yet, I sit here, surprised that I have allowed myself to fall under the trappings of this world again.  Trying to go through life with a teflon coating on is impossible.  You have to feel, but when those feelings push you to act in anger or hurt, the ending result has never, ever been a positive one.  At least in my experience.

Today seemed to be a culmination of several difficult situations around me coming to a head. It is one of those weeks where I want to hide out in my house until the storm of information is over, the latest shocking revelation has died.  I want to pretend that the hurtful and hateful things that are occurring are not and those I love are happy and safe.  I have done well maintaining composure and even some decorum.  I know, shocking.  Now, however, my heart is racing and hot. My thoughts seek out revenge.  Someone must be put in their place.

 Showing grace is a more difficult path than dismissing someone altogether. It says I am willing to put aside my own emotions in exchange for letting God take control and trusting the battle for one of His own is His.  I pray tonight that I can have peace that God's will has been done. His will is perfect and therefore should receive all of my trust. Humanity will always disappoint.  My hope is in Him alone.  But, God, could you ease up on the weight of the disappointments...just a little?

After a week of feeling like my head was swirling around in a toilet, I think I am finally back on track.  Not that I actually know how feels, but it seems like an apt description.   My mind and body could not get wrapped around what day it was, what hour it was and what it was that I was supposed to do.  I don't recall jet lag every having that effect on me, so maybe it is age. 

I spent more time at pools this week than I think I have during any other time in my life.  So much so that I am already a little dulled by it all. We have too many swimming options, practice options and opportunities to get wet that I am not making sound choices for the family.  We must have some family time and this week it didn't happen.  In fact, I am not sure I had a complete conversation with Jay all week.  He never did get back on track with eastern standard time this week, often falling into bed at 8 pm and waking up at 4 am.  Maybe I should have been the trooper and gotten up with him, but given how cantankerous I am in the morning, it would have been counterproductive. 

Lily begins cheerleading camp this week.  She is over the moon with this idea and she more than has the voice volume for it.  She is the child that I am constantly telling, "Indoor voice, Lily. Use your indoor voice."  Should be interesting.  Swimming has not gone quite as I expected.  I think the two weeks off from practice, the noise and lack of preparation for the meet on my part left her quite in a panic.  At her first race, she jumped in a little late, came up for her first breath, heard all the noise and panicked. She promptly started crying and clung to the lane rope.  I could do nothing but stand there and try to encourage her to keep swimming or get out.  Basically, I was no help. Eventually, she swam under the lane line to the side and got out.  We have at least gotten her back in the water and it appears her self-confidence is back.  She can certainly swim the length of the pool, but came completely frozen when it came time to actually doing it when it counted.  Could be a long summer ahead on the swim team.

School ends and summer begins

We are home from our vacation which turned out to be one, if not the best, trip we have had to visit Jay's parents.  Maybe it is the kids getting older, I don't know.  But, the trip was easy, the weather great and I came home pretty satisfied with what we did.

It is a little strange to come home and see that summer is in full swing.  School was still in when we departed. It is hard to wrap my head around our summer schedule.  I have a few updates regarding the kids and will forgo writing about any more travel details for now.

Miss Lily has completed her first year of school with flying colors.  Her teachers felt that Lily had a tremendous year of growth in terms of behavior and adjusting to school life.  She went from asking not to go every morning to crying that it was over and she wouldn't see her friends and her teachers.  At the year end assembly, Lily was given the "Loving Heart" award for her class.  She was thrilled with this award as she said, "No one else got Loving Heart as their award."  On her last day of school, the teacher had her sit in front of the class and her classmates were asked to make a comment about Lily.  The teacher said they all talked about Lily's loveliness and sweetness. 

Lily took her first standardized test this year as well.  We do not have the results, yet. However, when I asked how she did, Lily announced to me, "I got them all right."  I asked how she knew and she said, "I answered them all and they were right!"  I love her confidence.  She loves to color, do anything musical and spend time looking at books and reading.

On our trip, Lily lost her first top tooth.  The tooth fairy came all the way to France to visit her in the night.  Unfortunately, the tooth fairy misread some Euro coins in the dark of night which resulted in Lily receiving quite a bit more than what is normally doled out to the Dumoulin children! The other front tooth is extremely loose so I imagine it will be out within a couple of days.  Sometimes it is difficult to understand what Lily is saying, so I predict no front teeth will put me in the position of translator.

She was fantastic on the plane ride on our trip.  No whining, crying, or any other issues.  It was so completely opposite from our last trip.  Of course, that was three years ago.  What a difference! She loved being with Jay's parents and despite many requests to sit beside me in the car or sit beside me at the table, she was open to whatever activities they had planned for the day. One note on the trip - a slightly bizarre one at that - Lily, age 5, had a day of, hmmm, how do I say this delicately?  Well, she had a day where she stunk, literally.  Body odor.  I was so taken by surprise.  I have no idea if this is a permanent situation or some freaky, I have had too much cheese intake, sort of thing.  I can hardly get her to brush her teeth every day so I can't fathom deodorant.  But, at 5 years old?!?!

Lily' favorite parts of the trip were the Efteling (European-type Disney) and kinder eggs (a hollow chocolate egg with a little toy surprise in the middle).

My Ethan turned 10 while we were on our trip.  Double digits.  Growing too quickly for me, of course.  He finished out the year strong being identified by Duke University's TIP (Talent Identification Program).  Despite this, Ethan could work on staying a bit more focused.  His teacher diplomatically says, "I could deal with Ethan being a bit more present in the classroom."  However, I am most content with his spiritual growth.  He was walking around France reciting the verses he learned this year.  He discovered his favorite verse and has claimed it for his own.

The trip to Europe was an eye-opening one for him.  He was much more aware of the differences between our countries and asked countless "why?" questions.  Many times I couldn't quite come up with a well-thought out answer particularly when he wondered why the teenage girls in France wore only speedos to the lake and not tops.  Yikes!  His favorite parts of the trip were his trip to the Efteling (a sort of European Disney) and the Romange '14-'18, a museum in which everything in it was found within a 3 km distance from the museum, all from WWI and recreated to look like battlefields and bunkers along with many interesting tidbits about life during the war.

Despite growing up, I still get requests for some snuggle time and time alone with mom.  However, I am not allowed to show him any public displays of affection beyond a nice little side hug.  Ethan loves to play his DSi, build with Legos and of course, swim. He is always more interested in hanging out with his friends and is starting to find his little sisters somewhat of a pain if they follow him around or copy him in any way. Many times this is the source of their arguing and fighting which at times escalates to WWIII levels.  It should also be noted that his interest in the opposite sex is beginning to grow.  This should be interesting.

His heart still leans toward servanthood, but I am beginning seeing a bit more resistance lately than I have in the past.  In the personal section of his North Carolina notebook, Ethan wrote that he hopes to be a pastor when he grows up.  I don't know that this will materialize, but I do know that he has a heart of mercy that Jay and I do not.  He is compassionate and sensitive to others' feelings which are essential to that line of work.  Who knows?!?

Ethan is quite excited about swimming this summer.  The unknown and anxiety of the swim team is long over, replaced by competency and confidence.  Our first day at the pool yesterday yielded quite a bit of self-assurance as he reconnected with old pool pals and found a comfortable place.

Sadie is still very much Sadie.  She finished the school year very strong academically and received the Leadership award.  She also received the National Fitness Award for achieving certain physical standards for her age.  Still quite my challenging child, I see much progress being made in her ability to self-control.  I am understanding that much has to do with the excitement level of the situation and how much preparation I have given her before the event or circumstance she is going to have to deal with.  However, I also know that this is Sadie and as much as we practice and teach, she will always have to deal with her highly impulsive nature.

I have had second thoughts regarding homeschooling her.  I don't know why, but I am sure that it is normal to go through these cycles.  The school made it clear they will not be able to offer Sadie any additional work, academically. After seeing her tests scores, Jay and I know another year languishing around is not good mentally, and certainly not behaviorally.  Some of our school books for next year have been purchased and we are waiting for a call from the store to let us know when the next ones have arrived. 

Sadie makes friends very easily and finds it natural to talk to kids, teenagers and adults with ease.  She loves to draw, play outside and swim.  She is very determined and has an incredible ability to learn visually, picking up details and clues most miss.  She is eerily similar to Jay in that she dreams and imagines these great scenarios along with solutions..and then actually executes them. 

She loves, loves, loves animals and is currently going through an obsession with birds.  She combs through books identifying the birds outside and wants desperately to catch one to "observe" it.  I completely envision her house filled with animals when she is an adult.

She also loved the trip to Europe.  She cried the night before we had to leave.  There is so much about Jay's parents place in France that fits her perfectly.  So much area to explore, many places to walk and fill her senses to the brim.  She nearly caught a duckling at the lake on our last day.  Thank goodness she didn't as she honestly thought she would be able to bring the duck home to the U.S. to raise!!!  Her favorite part about the trip was having hot tea with Oma every day.

Overall, the trip served as a fantastic bonding time between Jay's parents and the kids.  Slightly overindulgent, i.e. three ice creams and chips for dinner on the last night, Oma (grandmother) was exactly what I expected for a grandmother who deeply loves her grandchildren and wants to makes up for lost time.  The house in France, in particular, is filled to the top with pictures of the kids on every wall. The kids love her and Opa just as deeply and it warmed my heart to see that even though they may only see each other once a year or even less, they do have a close relationship.

Now, let the summer officially begin!

Europe Day 4

Sunday, a day of rest in the Netherlands.  Funny, it is the country that does not go to church that saves this day for relxation.  But with all things that `modernize´ a couple stores are now open on Sundays. 

We discovered that the Albert Heijn, a supermarket, was open.  We jumped at the chance to stock up on all the food items we miss in the U.S.  In fact, we more than made up for the 3 years we haven´t been here.  Chocolate, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate spread, various spices, mixes, cheese, biscuits, cheese, beer, etc.  Three heaping bags full.  Just hope it fits into our suitcase!  Nancy enjoyed browsing with us, purchasing a few Dutch items and some Special K cereal.  One note, it seems there are many more American brands of food in the store this time around.  We bought tacos and burritos to fix Mexican for the family for dinner.

We came back to the house and the kids arrived.  I should note that during this trip, the kids have stayed in an apartment/type place of the Dumoulins.  They are staying there with Jay´s mother, Oma. Not only does this provide me with a vacation, but it gives her time with them alone.  They call the place the Play House. The kids have never been happier, in my opinion.  I don´t know if they are just jacked up on sugar or if this is what happens when kids get whatever they want!  We are calling it Oma Crack.  Anyway, they arrived, thrilled with their day´s adventures which included a fesitval in a park, pancakes made by their great uncle, Jan, and a visit to their great/great aunt Riet.  Oma also bought them a new Dsi game a piece.  Thrilled they were.  Thrilled.

Later in the day, word came back that the shops in town were open in conjunction with a gypsy festival going on. My original plan was to shop on Monday, but given the opportunity, I grabbed Jay´s mom and Nancy and away we went.  It wasn´t long before I realized that we were limited on time and we needed to separate in order to achieve our goals.  So, off I went and off Riet and Nancy went.  I closed the shops down at 5 and headed back to the house.  Fashion / wise, I can say I hope a few trends do not make it to America, but for the most part, it all seemed in line with what I have seen at home.  Note to self...start shopping for flat, tall boots for the fall.

After dinner Jay drove Jimmy and Nancy around Tilburg, showing the houses he lived in in his early years, the schools he went to, etc. We then stopped and had coffee with his uncle and aunt.  His aunt has the most beautiful garden I have ever seen.  What a lot of work! But beautiful.

Back home and now to bed.  Tomorrow is our last day in the Netherlands.

Europe, Day 3, part 2

I am already getting behind in my blogging.  Ack.  So, yesterday we had plans to go to Volendam, a touristy historic village and then head to Amsterdam where we would go on a canal tour and then to the Van Gogh museum.  As with most well-organized plans, things go a little awry.  However, it turned out to be a great day.

We encountered a bit of construction detour that basically made our trip about twice as long as it should have been.  One neat thing we saw off to the left of the car was that biblical/sized model of Noah´s ark that everyone sent me in some circulating email a while back.  We didn´t stop, like I would have liked, but honestly, it was HUGE, even from a distance.

However, we finally parked and walked to the water front of the village of Volendam. Old, it is.  Touristy - YES!  Think a bit of Myrtle Beach on steroids, but in historic buildings.  It was maybe not what I was thinking, but still, a nice place to get souvenirs, watch the Dutch eat their national treat - raw herring with onions, and get a cup of coffee on a terrace.  The kids were happy because they got ice cream - 3 cones for Sadie alone (thank you, Oma).

The van we rented is quite large so it made for interesting and ultimately prohibitive travel throughout the streets of Volendam.  Therefore it took a bit to get to the car to head to Amsterdam.

We arrived in Amsterdam by doing the one thing Jay said he didn't want to do...drive through the city center.  We lucked out, however, and found a parking spot.  It was just south of the Central Station which is also near where you pick up the canal tour.  When we got out of the van we realized (rather Jay and I' that the red light district had expanded just a little bit and we had parked in an area that included a couple of window ladies.  We walked the opposite direction with our heads down to the canal tour.  Along the way, we also encounter quite a few interesting smells.  Those that know Amstersam know that marijuana is legal.  Consequencly, it is a haven, in some parts, for those that enjoy this. I was waiting on the street with Lily for the others to catch up and Lily and I had move where we stood, less we get a contact high!

We boarded the boat and away we went learning all about the architecture and history of Amsterdam.  It was a beautiful weather day and people were out all along the streets, the terraces and the canals.  Frankly, it was overwhelming at times to see the throngs of people, the activity and bicycles which were locked to every surface possible.  It was a 50 minute tour which gave us a thorough view of the beautiful buildings and historic canals and bridges of the city.  It proved to be a little too long for the kids, but they hung in well in the end.

At that point, we realized the Van Gogh museum would have to wait for another day.  We had walked the Tuckers and the kids to death.  One bonus...Jimmy and I got our spanking white tennis shoes a little dirty.  Actually, if I had to say, Amsterdam is much dirtier city, much more populated city than I remembered.  Not so much my cup of tea any more. 

On the way back to the car, we could not avoid the ladies in the windows so I just implored Ethan to star straight ahead, to not look left or right.  He obliged me, but has not stopped asking me why ever since.  We headed back to Tilburg for dinner and bed.

Europe, Day 3, part 1

We are at the end of day 3 and before I type too much more let me just mention that I do not have time to edit my entries.  Additionally, I can not spell check these post as the language is set for Dutch.  The writing is what it is - errors and all.

I asked Jimmy and Nancy what they thought so far and this is what they said:

Nancy:  I am in awe. I am amazed by the people, the bicycles.  I am in awe of the architectural history and the water sitatuion- how they have reclaimed the land, the canals they use for transportation. It is educational. Favorite part so far: Heusden and canal tour today

Jimmy: It has been interesting and old. It is historical. Favorite part so far:  Canal tour in Amsterdam

I'll write more in the morning.  Time to hit the hay.