Thursday, June 24, 2010

A good old-fashioned release of emotions

Ever felt like you wanted a do-over?  Or better yet, just wanted to pretend that world outside your house didn't exist?  The pressure cooker has hit its peak, or is it obvious?

I do not like drama and for the most part of my more mature life have done well to avoid it.  Something happened in the last 2 months, however, and I have been sucked in like a black hole.  Sometimes I have kept my feelings internal, sometimes I have not been able to contain them.  Either way, I am having a hard time letting what others say not fester in that pot o' muck inside me. 

I like blending into the background, skirting in the shadows, not making waves, being content with what I know and who I am. That has not happened lately and frankly, every time I turn around something or someone is figuratively slapping me in the face.  Criticism...left and right.  Stingers about my unruly kids, some ridiculous mess about a swim team, where my kids are swimming, questioning how much I really care about my kids, how much time I am spending away from my house, or too much time devoted to a worth cause, whispers of my name with darting eyes...yes, I see it.

I guess I have come to the conclusion that I am around a lot of people who are still relatively new to me.  They don't know me and my heart - just as I don't know theirs.  Therefore, they interpret actions, statements, etc. to be very different than my intentions. Gossip, morals, values, life's purposes and foci - all swirling around into some really bizarre and challenging outcomes and situations.  I feel very out of sorts in every environment this summer.  The perception is that I misstep at every turn and there is some sort of satisfaction at it being pointed out to me.

Maybe stick a fork in me. I am D-O-N-E.

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