Sunday, April 28, 2007

A tough night...a tough day...a tough week. For the first time it is not about Ansley...it is about marriages and relationships around me. Three failing marriages, one on the verge, a pastor who reveals his own prideful issues with marriage (and stepped out of his position), and a possible cancellation of a wedding due to doubts. A lot to think about and ponder. It amazes me - and certainly not only in reference to others - that we are so fickle and pathetic that we so easily lose our sights. Everything we teach and tell can so easily go down the drain with one crisis. One day we talk confidently about God, how great He is, how He is bigger than any problem and the next we are ready to give up only because our circumstances have changed. The world is too near us - it is too real to us and God seems to be so distant. We give into the world so easily and give up on God too quickly. When we are in the smoke - we can't see anything - we lose our bearings, we panic and go back to the old and familiar and most often BAD habits. It scares me as I know that I am just as vulnerable that I am only an "issue" away from having a hard heart and walking away.

Ethan - my dear sweet boy - oh how you make my heart full of love for you. Last week, I laid down with Lily for a nap. You all knew you were supposed to be quiet, so I was surprised to be woken up by the sound of loud thumping, thudding and stomping around in the bonus room above. I burst open the door and harshly yelled upstairs to you - Ethan, enough of the stomping around, I don't know what you are doing, but I have had enough. I promptly went back to bed. A few seconds later you came down to my room with tears in your eyes and told me that you were making a party for me. I felt 2" tall. It killed me that I had spoken harshly to you and that I was so quick to anger. I said I was so very sorry and that I couldn't wait to see it. So, I got up just a little while later and came up to the bonus room. You said - I have set up four stations - 1) making paper bag masks which you had gotten and cut eyes in and gotten markers out 2) a fort made out of pillows 3) paint and paper (with brushes and a cup of water) 4)Mr. Mouth Game. I asked why you did it and you said, "Because you always have to do stuff for us so I decided I should do something for you. How priceless and completely precious is that?

I also heard that when having a conversation at school about people who are full of joy and always seemed to be happy, Ethan piped up and said, my aunt. *tears*

Jay took Ethan to a golf lesson this week. They both really liked it. Ethan hopes to go sometime with Peepaw, although I don't know if any of our grandparents really have much time to spend with our children as they try to make Colby and Gray feel full with love. Anyway, I had the girls and we did a bath and painted nails. Even Lily sat still for toe painting. We went to the High Point Museum for a Go-See-It for scouts. I think I enjoyed the actual museum more than the boys as I grew up in High Point. they enjoyed the historical reenactment stuff. After we went to the Dog House to eat (Jay had never been), took a quick trip through Lowe's and then came home. It was a really great family day.

We head for the cruise Thursday - I can not wait. I hope it is as good as I have in my head. My expectation is to have lots of quiet time, sleep and sun. I think Jay is ready for an adventure. Either way, time without children is needed.

Lily decided to become Miss Destructo today. Jay made a pool with bales of hay and a tarp. Lily promptly threw all the towels into the pool along with Sadie's pocketbook. She was supposed to be taking a nap and ended up taking all the clothes out of her drawers - what a mess. Then, she tackled Ethan's closet, pulling out a lot of it. I hope it was a lack of nap and good sleep that did it! I don't know if it is me or not, but she can just be so full of herself. She ends every sentence with "K?" short for o.k. Cracks me up. She just can't get all the words out when she is excited and it ends up with one long mumble where you catch one or two words.

Sadie was actually pretty good today. She had momentary lapses in judgement and listening, but overall I saw some progress on how she and Ethan got along. She set up a tea party and actually played with baby dolls which is a rare thing. Wonder if I will see more of this?

Friday, April 20, 2007

two months down...

Ethan - Lost one top tooth and one bottom tooth (numbers 3 & 4). Both of them I pulled out with my fingers - I can't believe it. I had no idea they came out so easily. Plus, I can't believe I didn't gag all over the place. When I lost two of my wedding rings on the beach (flew off my fingers when I was brushing sand off my pants) Ethan made us all stop and pray. He was the first to point to God and gave a mighty, heart-felt prayer that left mom and I in tears. What a precious little soul. On the other hand we are dealing with some serious laziness when it comes to work. I get lecturing and still, he doesn't seem to get motivated to do his work, make it neat with out complaining. We are having to redo work several times before it is presentable. The answers are correct, but he just is lazy about how it gets on paper and has to work very hard at staying focused. UGH! It brings back flashbacks of when I was young and mom harping on me. I guess I deserve this. Ethan really learned how to swim with out any assistance over Easter. He was swimming really well in the deep end and swam the entire length of the pool. Granted, it was not a huge length, but nevertheless, it was great. He was excited about it as well. Ethan had a friend over today. He included Sadie with all of their play - how wonderful. Good lesson for Sadie. Ethan learned all about the armor of God over the past week and jumped to tell me all about it. He has been crying quite a bit about Ansley over the past week. It breaks my heart every time, especially when he starts really sobbing. He still looks up to Colby and thankfully, Colby gave him a lot of attention at the beach over Easter. I hope Colby continues to include Ethan. Ethan is definitely my deep thinker - asking such questions like, "Why didn't God just create us in heaven to be with Him, why did he bother with earth?" It is neat to see him processing all the information.

Sadie - Still working hard on her. She told me today in the Mayberry's bathroom that she was tired of trying to be good. It was too much work and she just didn't want to do it anymore. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? We have been doing a devotional on self-control and reading her Princess Bible. Every time we make some progress, I feel we move back several feet. NO matter how much I try to encourage her - tell her to call on the Spirit to give her the strength, pray with her, read with her, etc. it seems she just is so incredibly self-focused. At the same time, she can be very, very sweet. Mom says she is so into me and wants me to love her so much. She loves to listen to Jesus songs and will ask for the same ones over and over and over. The loss of Skippy has been devastating to her. She loves all animals and losing Skippy has been a blow. I wonder if some of her behavior has been connected with that. She did say after our beach trip during one particular good cry that now she doesn't have an aunt OR a cat. (tears!). However, Jay has promised her a cat again as soon as we get back from Ocracoke OR France (if that happens). She is happily collecting caterpillars in every type of tupperware container she can find. I finally got her a new bug house so I could spare my last few good pieces of gladware from caterpillar poo!!!

Lily - Still happy Lily. Her normal disposition is happy. She is smiles and laughter. She loves to talk, talk, talk. Sometimes I think I will go crazy in the car with her incessant talking! Some of her favorite mispronunciations are: Blueberries (boo-bies),
Her version of Twinkle Little star will melt anyone's heart. She knows all her shapes, colors, numbers by sight to 10 and counting to 15. She knows at least half of her alphabet and their sounds (thank you leap frog video and toys). She loves to play pretend. Loves to be involved in anything with Sadie and Ethan. Adores Colby and wants to be right with him if he is around. Likes to color, do puzzles and play outside. Loves to swing and sing songs. She is a touch child and asks me to Wub back, Mommy all the time. She hates to have her hair brushed, but knows the minute I go for the hair bow, it is all over and stops crying. At night she has to sleep with her friends - Dora, Diego, Big bird and Mickey mouse. Also has to have several books and even if she has five on her bed, she will ask for one more. Over our market trip, she graduated out of the portacrib and high chair. She is in a booster and no longer uses a bed rail. She is a girl now. She now sits at the big counter and at the table and not in her booster. HOWEVER, she still want consistently pee in the potty. I am really going to try hard this summer because she cannot go to the 3s class unless she does. There for a while she was going, but then, things with Ans went down hill and I couldn't keep up. Now, I feel like it is a losing battle. I just can't seem to keep the consistency down. She also isn't quite ready for an open cup, at least not with food at the same time. She sees the cup as something to play with and put food in (yuck!). We decide to only do 2 days of preschool next year. I want her home. I want to stay at home more and this will enable us to do both. It just makes more sense. I am looking forward to being with just her and playing with her more.

I am reading a great book, A Grace Disguised. What a treasure this is. I can't say enough on how it has helped me through this dark time. I am still directionless - but will say I am directing what little I do have on the kids. Nothing is tugging at me, so I stay at home.

Today was so emotional. Colby sand a solo at grandparent's day at HPCA. Not only is Colby a truly gifted singer, but the material, "the Calm in the Storm" was almost too much for me to hear. I began to feel that familiar twinge in my nose, the water in my eyes and my shoulders begin to shake. I almost had to leave the sanctuary as I thought I might burst into sobbing (loud, crazy sobbing). I know Ansley saw him, but I wanted her to experience it on this earth. She should have been there to see him...in person. That hurt for me and for Colby. However, what a blessing to she that she carries on in him. The more I am around him, the more I see her. It is so sweet. I can see it in his smile and some of his actions - thank you God. I noticed that his hands are so much shaped like hers. I teared up when I saw that as her hands are some of my strongest most vivid memories of her when she died. I held them as she died.

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Did God take Ansley because I was too dependent on her? Was my relationship with her more important than my relationship with God? Did I run to her instead of God? Is that the reason Ansley as taken in terms of an impact on me?

Does death really have no sting?

Written to Nena Lawson: You spoke right to my heart. I had lunch with Todd yesterday - it was so good to be around him and to really talk about what we have been going through. What a godly man he is, Nena. I pray so hard for the woman God is preparing for him. Anyway, we talked just about that very thing - being still. He has a book in storage he wants me to read so I might just go ahead and buy it myself. It is "Waiting on God" by Andrew Murray. We talk about waiting and being still, but what does that really mean? Todd said this book is simple, yet, gives perfect examples from the bible and puts them into practical application. I need that right now. It has been a very tough week, yesterday in particular - lots and lots of heavy crying. I so desire that joy back in my life and that peace AND that realization of who I am now without Ansley. Oh - there I go again..crying.
-----
My lunch with Todd was really good. I felt very comforted with our conversations. It felt good to release some of what I was feeling to him. I hadn't really talked about the night/morning Ansley died. Everyone in the room seemed to be at such peace about Ansley's passing. I was not. I wanted to scream for Ansley to fight, I wanted to yell at her or God or something that this was not supposed to happen. I couldn't believe we had finally reached that moment. I did tell her it was ok for her to go and of course, I wanted her to know that I would survive if she left me. But really, I wasn't at peace with it. I wanted her here with me. I wanted to sob uncontrollably and yell. I couldn't because I didn't want to wake the other patients in ICU because the area is so open. I didn't want to leave her body. I wanted to stay and hug her, stroke her hand. I wanted her hand to still be warm and her face to look like Ansley, not the open gaped mouth from when she was fighting for breath. The process of her death was sweet - it went from gasping to more of a sweet sigh. Jesus was calling her and she knew it, but I just wanted her here. There is guilt in those feelings. How selfish am I being? But God knows me - he knows what Ansley meant to me. Denying those feelings isn't right either, right? OR as I know we are to cling only to His word, not our "feelings" and emotions which change from day to day. But what about love and devotion to others?

I have no worries about things left undone. I know I got to say to Ansley everything that needed to be said. We left on a perfect note and for that I praise God mightily. I am ready to go be with her. God, is that time near? Can you give me some wisdom and hope? I need MORE hope - but why? Aren't you sufficient for me? Isn't that what you say, God?

Monday, March 5, 2007

Found this in a post on the bcmets site. It was so perfectly written in terms of how I am feeling regarding grief.

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be 'healing.' A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to 'get through it,' rise to the occasion, exhibit the 'strength' that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself."
--Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking, 2006, Vintage Books, p 188-9

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I started reading 90 minutes in heaven yesterday. I found that all I could do was engulf myself, obsess myself with the details of heaven. I found myself so caught up and encouraged about the book that I became disgusted with myself later. Why can God not be enough for me? Why is it that I have to continually seek affirmation from elsewhere whether it is a person, circumstances or books. This book's author also said that while in heaven, he never thought about earth, what he left behind because he was so completely filled and with out desire for anything. Isn't that how we are supposed to be on earth. If we are so filled by God then what would we need to look further? Why is it that we cannot be content with God? It is not that God can't do enough it for us, it is that our own sinful nature is such that we are always looking for more to comfort us. Or rather we don't trust God to do it in his time and to his fullness and there fore we try to take over.

Since Thursday it has been tough. Jay's mom and sister are here. Although I am glad they are here, I am not ready for them. I needed more time by myself to grieve and I don't feel I can do that while they are here. I can't get this all together and give them energy, focus or enthusiasm I feel they need. I just want to be by myself. I need to talk to Jay to let him know just what is going on inside of me - maybe he can explain it all to them and they will understand when I slink away. Maybe I just need to be alone for a night???

I realize that over the past three weeks because of the duties of life, I have not really been able to collapse like I want - there is always someone or something needing me. But, is that life's design so that we don't waste away in some abyss? Is that God's way of keeping us on track and seemingly focused on Him? I just don't know.

Right now I just want to go to bed - take a good nap. I need a good cry. I want my sister. I want that part of me back. I will never be the same. Will the new me measure up? With a legacy like Ansley's how can I measure up to her? What is my focus which I know is different than Ansley's. What is my gift to the world, God? How are You going to use me know?

By the way, I missed Ethan's basketball practice for the second week. Just completely forgot to take him to it which is so incredibly unlike me. It scares me a bit that something like that could just be lost in my mind - not once, but twice!

Friday, March 2, 2007

This has been a week of ups and downs - tears and some laughter. I am not quite back to my old self and I don't know if I will ever be. Will there be a time when I can truly laugh and feel joy at life itself? I am trying to stay on the platform and not on the roller coaster, but it is so hard and it is the little things that keep getting me back on there. It is not a ride that I enjoy so why do I continue to keep my eyes on my circumstances and not on God? Just reading about a constrictor snake that grips its prey tighter and tighter until its heart stops beating made me feel a lump in my throat and brought tears to my eyes as it reminded me of that hospital time with Ansley. I read some comments made regarding her on the CBC website that made me cry. I received a letter today from someone who wrote out her prayer for me. Boy, that was a big cry. Why are people so kind when I am so undeserving? Similarly, why did Christ do something so kind when I am so undeserving. Can I continue with Ansley's legacy? Will I "work" myself to death trying to have God working through me. What a crazy statement that I just wrote! Do people see me as something other than what I really am? Is there pressure to counsel and encourage others? I so don't want the pressures of daily life. There for a while (ok, only two weeks), I felt the pressure to not do anything. Unfortunately, the kids have been sick and basement finishing project and market has called me to attention. I don't think I have time to really process all that has gone on. I am beginning to feel the need to be by myself. All of that comes when Jay's mom and sister are set to arrive on Monday (in three days). I don't know how that will all pan out. I know I still have some organizing and straightening to do. I think tomorrow will be a little tough as I clean up the bonus room and come across pre-Ansley things. I can hear Skippy playing with something in here with me and it is freaking me out. I wonder what my relationship is going to be like with dad now? he wants to go have dinner together next week. Can I do that? Emotionally, that is something that Ansley and I would periodically do together and now it is just me. I want her back. I need to hug her and give her kisses and scratch her arm and head. Will I ever forget that night - the last night I rubbed her head? I wonder when she opened her eyes at the very end, was she scared, was she terrified? It bothers me to think that. Did she need us to say something to her? How could everyone be so calm in that room and tell her to go to Jesus? I wanted to scream for her to fight, to not leave us as in some insane way it was under her control. I wanted to scream - NO, NO, NO, like somehow I could voice my opinion and change things. Right now I feel stifled like no one hears me. That no one understands me. I know God is here because I know that I am not functioning myself. But now, I just want to run away - just like I did at times when Ansley was here and the cancer had just taken too much control of my life. When does CANCER stop controlling your life, your thoughts, etc. I have thrown myself into God, His work. I have grown, I have prayed, my spiritual life is so much fuller, yet, I find myself still dwelling on pain, suffering, hurt, agony, loss. When will this end? When will it get better? I went to MOMS group today - it was so incredibly painful. I could have sobbed. They played "In Christ Alone" - such a great song, but one that is so painful for me to hear at the moment. There is so much connection with that group and Ansley. Ansley brought me there. She encouraged me to go. She and I went together many times and then went to lunch. She was there in December when I spoke of her and our journey together - just two months ago. It hurt. I don't think I will go back for a while.

The only thing that has brought me some brief bit of light is the encouragement I have received from others to continue writing. Maybe there is something to this. The most influential person is Aunt Kay. Her writing is wonderful and she has told me to keep going. Somewhere there might be something to this. God, please direct my paths if that is something You have given me.

Wednesday, February 21

It has been a little over a week since Ansley's passing. I miss her...i miss her...i miss her. It is so painful, so deep. A true sense of loss, despair, loneliness that I have never felt before. i remember a small bit of this when ansley married todd - i begged her not to do it because I didn't want to be alone. I felt abandoned. it is a like a wave that comes and doesn't stop until it has reached the very top of my head and the bottom of my toes. it is like a knife that is just cutting and cutting and cutting. i feel like i am wandering around with no focus or purpose. what do i do now? where do i go? what is my focus?

Today is Friday, February 23. I do feel a little better today. Yesterday, I felt a tiny bit of joy. It made me so sad because it means that life with Ansley is getting further and further behind me. The time spent with her is already slipping through my fingers. I never want to forget her smell, her smile, her slightly yellow teeth even. Her fingers and how they could work magic with paper and scissors and scrapbooking. I don't want to miss scratching her arm, her playfulness with animals, her love of my Ethan. I don't want to miss anything because I want her to be with me. I don't feel anger...I just feel a loss. I am thankful for to God that I was able to spend as much time with her as I did in the end. That I was able to spend the night together at our scrapbooking event. Who will I room with next time? Who will I travel with to the beach? Who will I hang out with, laugh with, run errands with, eat lunch with? Next school year will be so lonely. I had planned on doing so much with her as the girls would be in school and we could run around, scrapbook, etc. How will this all work out?

I have so much I need to do, but no drive to do them. I need to be in the word, but no push to be there. I need to read for small group but have no motivation. It is nap time and i am more interested in crawling into bed than focusing on God and I am scared that my yearning for Him is gone.