Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Wednesday, February 21

It has been a little over a week since Ansley's passing. I miss her...i miss her...i miss her. It is so painful, so deep. A true sense of loss, despair, loneliness that I have never felt before. i remember a small bit of this when ansley married todd - i begged her not to do it because I didn't want to be alone. I felt abandoned. it is a like a wave that comes and doesn't stop until it has reached the very top of my head and the bottom of my toes. it is like a knife that is just cutting and cutting and cutting. i feel like i am wandering around with no focus or purpose. what do i do now? where do i go? what is my focus?

Today is Friday, February 23. I do feel a little better today. Yesterday, I felt a tiny bit of joy. It made me so sad because it means that life with Ansley is getting further and further behind me. The time spent with her is already slipping through my fingers. I never want to forget her smell, her smile, her slightly yellow teeth even. Her fingers and how they could work magic with paper and scissors and scrapbooking. I don't want to miss scratching her arm, her playfulness with animals, her love of my Ethan. I don't want to miss anything because I want her to be with me. I don't feel anger...I just feel a loss. I am thankful for to God that I was able to spend as much time with her as I did in the end. That I was able to spend the night together at our scrapbooking event. Who will I room with next time? Who will I travel with to the beach? Who will I hang out with, laugh with, run errands with, eat lunch with? Next school year will be so lonely. I had planned on doing so much with her as the girls would be in school and we could run around, scrapbook, etc. How will this all work out?

I have so much I need to do, but no drive to do them. I need to be in the word, but no push to be there. I need to read for small group but have no motivation. It is nap time and i am more interested in crawling into bed than focusing on God and I am scared that my yearning for Him is gone.

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