Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Did God take Ansley because I was too dependent on her? Was my relationship with her more important than my relationship with God? Did I run to her instead of God? Is that the reason Ansley as taken in terms of an impact on me?

Does death really have no sting?

Written to Nena Lawson: You spoke right to my heart. I had lunch with Todd yesterday - it was so good to be around him and to really talk about what we have been going through. What a godly man he is, Nena. I pray so hard for the woman God is preparing for him. Anyway, we talked just about that very thing - being still. He has a book in storage he wants me to read so I might just go ahead and buy it myself. It is "Waiting on God" by Andrew Murray. We talk about waiting and being still, but what does that really mean? Todd said this book is simple, yet, gives perfect examples from the bible and puts them into practical application. I need that right now. It has been a very tough week, yesterday in particular - lots and lots of heavy crying. I so desire that joy back in my life and that peace AND that realization of who I am now without Ansley. Oh - there I go again..crying.
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My lunch with Todd was really good. I felt very comforted with our conversations. It felt good to release some of what I was feeling to him. I hadn't really talked about the night/morning Ansley died. Everyone in the room seemed to be at such peace about Ansley's passing. I was not. I wanted to scream for Ansley to fight, I wanted to yell at her or God or something that this was not supposed to happen. I couldn't believe we had finally reached that moment. I did tell her it was ok for her to go and of course, I wanted her to know that I would survive if she left me. But really, I wasn't at peace with it. I wanted her here with me. I wanted to sob uncontrollably and yell. I couldn't because I didn't want to wake the other patients in ICU because the area is so open. I didn't want to leave her body. I wanted to stay and hug her, stroke her hand. I wanted her hand to still be warm and her face to look like Ansley, not the open gaped mouth from when she was fighting for breath. The process of her death was sweet - it went from gasping to more of a sweet sigh. Jesus was calling her and she knew it, but I just wanted her here. There is guilt in those feelings. How selfish am I being? But God knows me - he knows what Ansley meant to me. Denying those feelings isn't right either, right? OR as I know we are to cling only to His word, not our "feelings" and emotions which change from day to day. But what about love and devotion to others?

I have no worries about things left undone. I know I got to say to Ansley everything that needed to be said. We left on a perfect note and for that I praise God mightily. I am ready to go be with her. God, is that time near? Can you give me some wisdom and hope? I need MORE hope - but why? Aren't you sufficient for me? Isn't that what you say, God?