Does I really feel better about my mothering when I know the kids leave for school in the morning with teeth brushed, hair combed, decent lunches/snacks in their bags?

I am "on top" of my game this week.  It usually happens when we move back into the house for market.  I make some ridiculous attempt at maintaining the house at that uber sanitized level for about 2 weeks.  Nothing escapes my clutch of control.

Blessed

I am thankful for...

1.  A friend who took time out to instruct me on the world of homeschooling.  She has been a wealth of knowledge and I feel a teeny bit of confidence because of her encouragement and support.

2.  A friend who has been so appreciative for some things I gave her for her son that I am humbled.  Not only did I get a handwritten thank you note and an email with a couple of photos that brought an enormous chuckle to my day, but she sent us four t-shirts with her fabulous homemade embellishments on them.  Just over the top thankfulness - a lesson to be learned!

3.  A friend who opened up to me this week for what might be the first time in our friendship.  I have wanted to hear her heart for years and finally it has happened.  May God use this to work in both of our lives.

4.  A friend who called me to check on me this weekend.  I have been out of sorts, mostly physically, and she was the first to pick up on it.  God has blessed her with incredible interpretative skills.  It is comforting to know someone recognizes when I am not myself.

5.  A friend who always nails me to the wall of reality and pushed me to action.  You always need a friend who speaks Gods word honestly and frankly.  She never lets me slither away to stew, moan, and groan in the cave of self-pity. 

6.  A friend who asked to get together for coffee or something in the next couple of weeks.  It is nice to know that someone wants to spend time with me.

7.  A child who thanked me with his fully sincere heart for some punishment he was dealt earlier in the day.  He knew he was in the wrong and knew that he needed to be helped back in line.

8. A child who stopped to blow me a kiss as she skipped out of the door this morning on her way to school.

9.  A child who prepared her lunch last night and made her brother's lunch as well without being asked. 

10.  A husband who gladly left the house this morning to head to a job that is extremely stressful to amply provide for our needs and quite a few of our wants, too.

I am abundantly blessed.

My first day at trying to go with the calling of the Holy Spirit has been met with disaster.  Now, I know that this is not always an instantaneous happening, but I thought that with constant prayers throughout the day, begging for the Holy Spirit, I might tap into that life and peace I am promised.  Unfortunately, the result is not quite the day I envisioned.  In fact, it has been met with a lot of discord, irritations, disappointments and ended with quite a bit of crying, by me.  What is going on?

Is it possible to become ADD as you get older?  I mean, I know that I haven't always been able to remember and keep up with things, but it is getting progressively more bothersome as I get older.  In less than 24 hours, I lost our market rent check.  To list all the searching I have done would take hours.  I'll just note that the pinnacle was going piece by piece through a black garbage back that was in our toter...just in case.  I have prayed and prayed and prayed over this check and finally realized that I would have to call my renters and ask for another one.  How completely embarrassing.  I could list about 3-5 other things that are along that vein that have happened this week - forgetting Lily's piano books, losing the map to our house that I have used forever (given to people, not used by myself of course), forgetting to measure a pipe on our hot water heater so I can get the right part resulting in a slight flood, forgetting to send in our annual report for part of a subset of our business, etc. etc. etc.

I know I am a mom of three which means that I am fully responsible for 3 other human beings and all of their belongings.  That is an excuse I hear myself saying all the time.  However, I just don't buy that excuse - being overwhelmed.  Maybe it is being out of our normal routine down here under the stairs.  Thankfully, we move back up tomorrow.

What do you know?

So, we had our first bible study meeting. This study, Remembering the Forgotten God, is going to be incredibly enlightening and fascinating. At least the beginning of it seems indicative of such.

The author Francis Chan first asks us to write about what we know about the Holy Spirit. Then he asks us to dissect it, attributing it to how we know that - scripture, life experience, church, what others have said. Although I have done that with other spiritual areas, I haven't investigated it in the area of the Holy Spirit.

I have seen a lot of what I can only describe as "voo doo" attributed to the Holy Spirit. Inauthentic, unfortunately, later admitted to or proven to be false. In my own life I have experienced a couple of "strange incidents" that I can only attribute to it. I have been privy to a few moments when what I saw, experienced lined up scripturally with something not of this world. Through other bible studies, I have read that Jesus asked God to send us the Holy Spirit to be with us since he would/could not be. It is our guide, a gift, a reminder that He is always there.

The study goes on to have us read quite a few more scripture passages that outline just who/what the Holy Spirit is. And...wow...how limited I was on my vision. Opening myself up to that!?!?!? It just shows me that I have experienced only the tip of the iceberg of God's goodness. I would say that 95% of the time I work on being holy; I am such a "performer."  I don't just step aside and let the Holy Spirit work through me.  The anticipation, the possibilities, the wonder, the awesomeness that is there...well, I just can't wait to go deeper.

The Wolf Ma-Flodge

I am writing this post from the Great Wolf Lodge in Concord. We decided we could all use a break from the basement and drove an hour to get here. We came once last year, but unfortunately, Sadie spent much of it vomiting in the hotel room trashcan - not the best memory for her. However, this time, the kids are having a blast which I am sure is related to the fact that Jay is not in complete freak-out mode this time around. Seriously, this place is so much better with strong swimmers. I rode the Howlin' Tornado twice - once with Ethan and once with Sadie. That is one wild, breath-taking ride. Lily can't quite remember how to say the name correctly and calls it the "Wolf Ma-Flodge." Cracks us up every time.

For reasons still a little vague to me, Jay suggested we all go over to Concord Mills last night - a ridiculously large outlet/shopping complex. Considering that Jay claims to have an aneurysm every time he shops, it seemed an odd choice. We ended up in the Lego store. Surprise surprise. What an awesome place to play. Computer Lego games, make your own legos, even this "view it" screen which showed the actual 3-D model of what a completed Lego kit would look like when you held the box up to it. Very, very cool. Sadie bought a large cup of varying color and shapes of legos, Ethan bought a book, "Lego Star Wars: The Visual Dictionary," which he has not ceased pouring over, and Lily picked out her first kit - a kit of the Krusty Krab from SpongeBob complete with a small Lego krabby patty.

We are now back home. Exhausted, we were, as evidenced by the ridiculously long 3 hour naps we all took. Four nights left in the basement and market is over. The last bit of the school year is here and I the last 5- 6 weeks will sprout wings and be complete before I can bat an eye. My calendar is jam packed with Stanford Testing dates, end of year parties, field trips, field day, swim meets, etc. Whew!

I found the song, "I love you, Lord" and had to put it on my blog. It is the second one on my playlist. That was the song I sang to Lily every night when I rocked her to sleep as a baby. It has always been "our song." If I were more technical, I would record her singing it and load it on here. As sweet as it sounds to me, that little lovey voice, I know it sounds more so to Him.

Last words.

I wrestled out of my slumber this morning by reliving one of the last days I had with Ansley. It never fails to transform me into a jar of marbles that have been spilled across a hardwood floor. The marbles just keep rolling in all directions, some bouncing little hops tip...tap...tip.tap.tiptaptiptap. Others make a spiraling sound as they move across the hard surface. Scattering.

It was the last day that I had a conversation with her. It was also her worst day with cancer. She was in the hospital, had been for over a week. Her liver functions were down the drain and the doctor was trying to sort through options, choose a new treatment, and give reason for hope. The cancer had invaded so much of her body, but nowhere more so than her bones. Her scans lit up like a Christmas tree and the pain in her hips and weakness in her legs had forced her to a wheelchair. Knowing all of this, however, did not prepare me for what was to happen that day. My sister simply rolled over in the hospital bed and her hip snapped. The bone had been eaten away by cancer leaving little strong bone left. It was as completely awful as it sounds.

I was the one who held her, her face inches from mine, her hands strangling mine like a vice grip while they tried to change her soiled linens. Her broken hip being shuffled while she laid there. Her face contorted in pain, eyes wild, while her voice strained through clinched teeth begging God to make it stop. In only a few more hours, they would put her in traction, stabilizing her bones. The increased pain meds looped her into another orbit with only an occasional passing through our world again.

It was during one of these moments that I realized that it was time for me to get home to my own family. I bent toward her face to say goodbye. I gave her a little peck on her forehead; a little stubble from her hair pricked my lips. I said, "I have to go, Ans. I'll see you soon. I love you." She smiled that little wry smile, her lips not giving a hint of the teeth that were behind. She lifted her arm and pulled me back to her. She looked at me, straight to my soul. "I love you, too, Kels. I really do." I responded, "I know. I love you." We gave each other a long, deeply held hug.  And with that, I pulled away, turned, and walked out of the room.

I didn't know that would be our last exchange. I didn't know I wouldn't hear her voice again. I didn't know it was my last chance to say what needed to be said.  And yet, I said what needed to be said, simply. Oh how grateful I am.