I found the song, "I love you, Lord" and had to put it on my blog. It is the second one on my playlist. That was the song I sang to Lily every night when I rocked her to sleep as a baby. It has always been "our song." If I were more technical, I would record her singing it and load it on here. As sweet as it sounds to me, that little lovey voice, I know it sounds more so to Him.

Last words.

I wrestled out of my slumber this morning by reliving one of the last days I had with Ansley. It never fails to transform me into a jar of marbles that have been spilled across a hardwood floor. The marbles just keep rolling in all directions, some bouncing little hops tip...tap...tip.tap.tiptaptiptap. Others make a spiraling sound as they move across the hard surface. Scattering.

It was the last day that I had a conversation with her. It was also her worst day with cancer. She was in the hospital, had been for over a week. Her liver functions were down the drain and the doctor was trying to sort through options, choose a new treatment, and give reason for hope. The cancer had invaded so much of her body, but nowhere more so than her bones. Her scans lit up like a Christmas tree and the pain in her hips and weakness in her legs had forced her to a wheelchair. Knowing all of this, however, did not prepare me for what was to happen that day. My sister simply rolled over in the hospital bed and her hip snapped. The bone had been eaten away by cancer leaving little strong bone left. It was as completely awful as it sounds.

I was the one who held her, her face inches from mine, her hands strangling mine like a vice grip while they tried to change her soiled linens. Her broken hip being shuffled while she laid there. Her face contorted in pain, eyes wild, while her voice strained through clinched teeth begging God to make it stop. In only a few more hours, they would put her in traction, stabilizing her bones. The increased pain meds looped her into another orbit with only an occasional passing through our world again.

It was during one of these moments that I realized that it was time for me to get home to my own family. I bent toward her face to say goodbye. I gave her a little peck on her forehead; a little stubble from her hair pricked my lips. I said, "I have to go, Ans. I'll see you soon. I love you." She smiled that little wry smile, her lips not giving a hint of the teeth that were behind. She lifted her arm and pulled me back to her. She looked at me, straight to my soul. "I love you, too, Kels. I really do." I responded, "I know. I love you." We gave each other a long, deeply held hug.  And with that, I pulled away, turned, and walked out of the room.

I didn't know that would be our last exchange. I didn't know I wouldn't hear her voice again. I didn't know it was my last chance to say what needed to be said.  And yet, I said what needed to be said, simply. Oh how grateful I am.

April thoughts...

Things that consume my brain in April...

As we are, rather I am, homeschooling Sadie next year, I have been delving into books, websites, magazines, trying to determine what type of environment I want to create for Sadie, what is her learning style, what is my teaching style and what sort of curriculum to choose. I have come to the conclusion that I won't really know what works until we actually start. Therefore, I am going to make some educated guesses and hope for the best.

The kids are at the beginning of long course season in swimming. We have visited several other swimming locations in hopes of determining where we will be next year. Although all the sites have lots of positives, the deciding factors were 1) their love of their current swim coach 2) that I can be a part of a carpool next year which will allow me the luxury of only one day of shuttling the kids to and from practice and finally 3) an incident that happened at the swim banquet which was held at our church. The "incident" was a statement I made to another swim mom. There were a couple of door prizes given away at the banquet in the form of tuition credit. A criterion for being included in the drawing was based on volunteer hours throughout the swim year. They drew three names and before the last name was drawn, I foolishly said, "If I win this last one, we will go to Pyramids." Guess what? They drew my name. I know the statement was not some contractual obligation, but I also know that it hinted at a sign that point to Pyramids. Another note, Sadie received recognition for the largest percentage of time dropped of any swimmer on the team.

My little lovey has started blazing a trail in the reading department. It is so fun to watch her try, listen to her sound out the words and enjoy it. What a blessing it is to witness this first-hand! On the other hand she has delved deeply into the word of blatant disobedience. Makes me miss my "I'll do anything you say" little girl. Hopefully, we are getting back on track soon!

Ethan has developed a nice set of manners when it comes to speaking to other adults. I say "other" because it is not necessarily reflected in his conversations with me, unfortunately. We're working on that. However, it is nice to see the fruits of some labor every once in a while.
Sadie is still collecting "critters" like crazy. How she manages to keep them alive, I don't know. I have been coerced into going to PetsMart today to buy a turtle cage and turtle food. I assure you that I know they carry salmonella and that they are somewhat nasty, but this little turtle is so small that I figure it hasn't had the opportunity to contract any diseases. It is a good lesson on how to practice good hygiene regardless. Yesterday, Sadie was the first to discover the nest of the most perfectly blue eggs in our birdhouse. I think I see a unit study about animals in her future.

I have been quite reflective on friendships lately. What defines them, what drives them, what is their purpose? I have some ideas that have been planted in my heart lately on how to serve some others. I haven't had this happen in a while and it is joyous to me to know that He needs me outside my own home again.

I am starting my new bible study on the "Forgotten God" which is a study on the Holy Spirit. I used to grapple with the question of if "I" was always doing what God wanted me to do. Was "I" fully aware of my sins, fully aware of my weaknesses, was "I" giving God all the glory in every thing that I did. Was "I" living a life that was completely and totaling focused on Him. I came to the conclusion that all that was really needed was an open and willing heart. God plants these questions in our hearts to open up our eyes and hearts to the possibilities and it is then that the Holy Spirit begins to work it out in our lives. We just have to step out of the way and allow Him to work it through us. I am also beginning to see that there is no exact way, step by step process, no A-Z method, that "I" accomplish it; it just happens. A heart transformed, more willing to be His is all it takes.

To Market, to market...

I can breathe. The house is ready for our renters and we are in the basement. I can say that this year, I won the battle. The battle of "just how obsessed with cleaning can you be." I don't know if laziness took over, apathy or just a better perspective came into view. I believe it was the latter. It feels good and satisfactory that I did not have one melt down, one hissy fit, one tense moment with any other member of my family. And yet, the house is nice, orderly, and clean. Twice a year, every hairbow is in its place, legos in their boxes, and bills filed. This year, I was done so early; I actually got some painting done. Not obsessive painting, but painting two repair patches from a towel bar gone awry and a door knob in wall incident. It makes me consider trying my hand at professional organizing...well, maybe not.
Over the past 4 years, I know that in the back of my mind, I have had a little chip on my shoulder, a little grudge about renting our house. It is solely my responsibility to get ready for it and I admit I have harbored some resentment over that fact. However, this time around...nothing. Even adjusting to life in our basement has been a breeze this time around. In fact, I am enjoying it. Therefore, I am completely fine and at peace with this continued agreement. Funny, though, now Jay seems a bit antsier about renting and almost appears to be scrounging around, grasping for a reason for this to be our last market.

I am thankful to God for working through me to release the tension and anxiety that normal encapsulates these 4 weeks out of the year. Baby steps...just one little one at a time.

Spring Has Sprung!

Spring has sprung at the Dumoulin house. The kids are finishing up their week of spring break which has felt so much like summer vacation that I am dreading Monday. The weather has been unbelievably warm and I have really enjoyed having the kids with me.

The kids have taken every advantage of it by playing outside - riding their bikes and scooters, playing in the old chicken coop, on the trampoline and down at the creek. Yes, the creek. You know what that means? Critters!

A baby turtle with a salamander on its back. Now THAT is unusual, slightly bizarre.  The turtle has been with us for several days now.  He has been given a name, Boxer.  The addition of the name is a bit concerning.

To the left of the reflection from my flash is a crayfish.

And finally, this is an example of what has just been added to the endangered species list...MY TUPPERWARE!

I told the kids new tupperware would be coming out of their allowance.

Spring also means market cleaning (boo!) and starting our garden (yay!). Our little patch of goodness is coming along. I am so excited something that has already begun sprouting! SUNFLOWERS! And lots and lots of them.

The seeds were a gift from my Aunt Sue. We planted them in a row beneath our kitchen windows so that we will have this beautiful view of sunshiny, bright yellow flowers sometime in about 2 - 3 months. We will have to weed some of them out, because we overplanted. If anyone wants to come take a few, be my guest!

We still have some maintenance and beautification issues to take care of, but all in all, it is a start.

Elsewhere in the garden, my lettuce is looking a little weak, but I think that is because we had that string of bizarre 90 degree days this week. Tomatoes, green beans, squash, zucchini and a couple of cucumbers. I have a pot with some herbs, another pot with a few strawberry plants and another single rosemary plant. I am still waiting to plant the sugar peas and various peppers. The kids have been an integral part of the process - weeding, watering, etc. I think today they will feed the garden and all the rose bushes in the yard.  We have our first strawberry!

Huh. I just realized that I will need to find someone to watch the dogs and water the garden while we are on our trip in May/June. Add that one to the list.

In a move that can only be describe as self-destructive, I took Sadie to the store that makes me insane yesterday. Yes, Justice. Sadie chose a new scarf and decided she was much better off with her budget to go to Claire's. Good move Sadie! The kids had some money from Valentine's, Easter and from money earned for market cleaning. Let me make a note that my kids have become quite the expert cleaners. For example, Ethan rocked the baseboards in the house and Sadie is a meticulous furniture polisher. Their attitudes have also been that of servanthood for a change and that has made the week wonderful.

Therefore, we have done quite a bit of fun stuff, along with the cleaning. We went to the zoo, the kids had a night with one set of grandparents where they fished and had a bon fire by the creek. The other grandparents took them to lunch and the movies. Two kids have had sleepovers with their cousins and one had a playdate at another friend's house. I failed at getting us to the Civil Rights' Museum or ArtQuest - both things I wanted to do. However, I had to get the house ready for market and we just ran out of time.

This morning my little love rolled over in her sleeping bag. She coughed quite a bit and then looked at me. Her first words of the morning, "I love you, Mommy." What a great way to start the day. If this is any indication of what is to come, I say BRING ON SUMMER!

Friendship means understanding and being understood... Friendship means affirming and being affirmed... Friendship means accepting and being accepted... Friendship means helping and being helped... Friendship means forgiving and being forgiven.

-- David J. Claasen



1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
1.a person whom one knows well and is fond of; intimate associate; close acquaintance
2.a person on the same side in a struggle; one who is not an enemy or foe; ally
3.a supporter or sympathizer a friend of labor
4.something thought of as like a friend in being helpful, reliable, etc.

Let there be joy in my heart today, Lord!
Fill it to the brim, burst it with adoration for You.
Let my spirit be humble
Let my eyes see nothing but You.