Contract

I have been incredibly blessed with a bible study I have been doing since January. I wasn't initially going to do it, but God met me in a Wal-Mart parking lot (does that sound like a country song title, or what?) and it was just what I needed to do.

I think I have mentioned the study book, "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. If you want to peel back some layers, I say give it a go. If you want to stay cozy where you are, then don't. It wasn't that it was very deep in theology, but it spurred me to dig deep into some icky strongholds that needed clearing out. It also shed light on the truth behind my self-created idols, which are derived deep down out of fear, the fear of losing control.  The irony? I don't have control to begin with! Finally, it reminded me that nothing, nothing, nothing is more sustaining, trustworthy and faithful than my God. Now that I am more aware of what has been taking up space in my heart and now that I have been prompted to replace them with more God, I pray that the Holy Spirit will strengthen me in this change.

A key component during this study was the group of ladies with whom I took this little journey. Praise God for the realness, the ability to be transparent, and the willingness to share failures and pain and to laugh, laugh, laugh at it all! And so, it is for these ladies that I add the following ridiculous, completely insane "contract" that I wrote for my kids around the end of the last school year. I was a woman who had completely lost her grip on the handle of life and here is how I reacted. Oh my - I am so glad my kids pretty much ignored me when I printed this little craziness out. I think a burning ceremony is in order - don't you think, ladies?

Well, funny.  I have searched three computers and cannot find the document.  I have a printed copy to show my kids how NOT to parent, but can't find the original.  It reads like the "Go to Jail" card from Monopoly.  You will behave exactly like this, you will not be human; you will be a robot.  Any attempts to be a child will be quickly squelched and you will go directly to jail.  Thank goodness I never actually enforced this insanity.  Maybe that will spare me at least one payment for my kids' therapy down the road. 

Maybe she does care

A little conversation with Sadie at bedtime revealed a little worry, a little concern, and a little discontent with herself. She is the master at appearing all together to the world. Even when she makes poor decisions, she quickly brushes it off. She doesn't dwell on her mistakes, often sweeping them under her bed like discarded candy wrappers. Not where she should put them, or how she should deal with them, but it is much easier to push them to place that takes little effort.

I cannot recall a single conversation with her that shed even the faintest ray of light on how she perceives her choices and actions. With all of the difficult behavior and impulsivity, there have been many times when I have believed that Sadie was completely and totally apathetic. I can even remember when she was 3 and 4 wondering if this child could discern right from wrong and more importantly...did she care?  Where was her moral compass?

Tonight, I saw a different view. It made me sad. She was comparing herself to her classmates in several areas. Some not so important - handwriting and neatness. Then she came to a particular girl who excels in several areas. I could hear the hint of jealousy in her words. Then she turned the conversation to herself. She said, "I wish I could start my life over again. I wish I could change. I wish I weren't the yellow light girl."

There. She said it. It does bother her. Yellow lights are what they receive for poor behavior. Much like a traffic light system, yellow is a warning light to slow down.

It shows me three things. 1) Sadie is more aware of her own successes and failures and wants to do well, clearly better than she has been doing and 2) That I need to do a better job of pointing out her strengths and her positives. I need to show her a bit more love during the difficult behavior days. And 3) she needs to know who and how God defines her to be.

It gives me more motivation for the homeschool year that is in the making. A year to teach to her heart.

Just another week.

A forewarning...quite possibly the most borning post EVER.  However, in the interest of documenting life, here it goes.

So, last week I started the Wii Active Fit 30-day challenge. I received the Active Fit as a Christmas gift and here it is mid-March. I just opened the box. I hate exercising. I dislike it so very much that I would do just about anything to push it off - even cleaning the toilets. Once I am done, I feel great, but that is never enough to overcome my initial disdain, no, make that repulsion for it. I am sure it is because I have not found an exercise niche that I enjoy. It has to exist, right? I really wish I were more motivated. I hope that I will see such a difference in my body shape and tone in 30 days that I will be encouraged to do another 30 days.

Ants. We have them. All over the place. I keep spraying, putting out traps outside the house. I am making one last attempt today to make a massive spray and traps outside the house and then I am calling the experts. Over it.

We took the kids to Hanging Rock this weekend. We are fortunate we didn't try this last year because Lily would have never made it. Overall, she did a great job. There were a bit of whining and complaining and “I have a headache” statements on the way up. I could see a bit of fear and concern in Jay's eyes that he was going to have to carry her on his shoulders. But, once we arrived at the base of Hanging Rock, the last push up, I encouraged her to count the steps which distracted her enough to hike quickly the rest of the trail. The way back to the car was pretty easy, and Lily only had to take a break two times. Sadie kept walking way ahead of our family and I believe she would have run the entire way if given the chance. She was joyfully in her element. At one point, however, we had to force her to walk in between me and Jay because she continued to walk out of our eyesight, despite warnings. She hated this forced positioning and therefore nearly ran up the back of my heels in protest. If Sadie isn't happy, she will try to make everyone else suffer along with her. Thankfully, it was shortly lived. Ethan enjoyed lagging back with me and chatting. He has such great conversation skills. Even Jay didn't get in hyper-freak-out mode too badly at the top of Hanging Rock which does not have guard rails and can be slightly stressful with small children. However, it was a beautiful day - perfectly 72 degrees and sunny. Our picnic lunch and ice cream at the Danbury gas station topped off a fabulous family event.

Our summer plans are finally coming together. The planning was a source of extreme stress for me and it had caused some ripples of discontent and strife in my marriage. However, I trusted God to iron out the details and He did. Actually, I had just reported my peace with the entire situation to my bible study group and then viola! God worked. We will visit Jay's family for a week and a half at the end of May and beginning of June. The kids will miss the last 2 days of school which are do-nothing days anyway. They will learn more going on this trip than they will during those two days - if nothing else, how to take their shoes on and off at record speed during airport security. We will take Jay's host parents with us. This trip should be a fantastic one because the kids are older (no one in diapers on a long 14 hour journey). We plan on taking them to many sightseeing locations instead of hanging around the house and taking walks as we have in the past. They are at the age to appreciate them. Jay's host parents who have never been overseas will be able to see where Jay grew up and meet more of his extended family. I am most relieved that I will not fly solo with three children under the age of 7 this time around. Finally, the adults outnumber the children. Although the details are a bit sketchy, the initial plan is to split time between the Netherlands and France. Really, I can't wait to go.

This little recap of our week would not be complete without the never ending cycle of work stress. But, who really wants to hear about that? Not me, I already have.

One of the most surprising facets of having kids is how uniquely God created them to be.  It shouldn't be surprising, given who I know God to be, but for some reason I thought I could parent the three the same and get the same desired results.  They are human being and they are as different on the inside as if I had picked three random people off the city streets to compare.

When the Moon Hits Your Eye

LOVE SICK. That is what my kids are and I have no idea from where it originates. My first reaction, which is erroneous I know, is to lock them away in their rooms and never allow them to utter another word about the opposite sex until they are 18.

How are they like this? I could say my kids are overflowing with love for others because we shower them with so much love that they are bursting forth with adoration. They cannot contain themselves and throw themselves onto all that cross their paths in hopes of surviving a love explosion. Sadly, I know my own short-comings.

Case #1: Child, age 5
Previously mentioned in this post, Lily is still in love with "little C" in her class. The shortest and possibly smallest boy in kindergarten. I understand from the teachers that all the girls mother him. Lily set her eyes on him on the first day and declared her unrestrained love for him the next. She is all set out to marry him and it doesn't seem to phase her one bit that she is 5. As she told me, "He is chubby, has a flat head...and I just love him." Yes, I just about lost control of the vehicle I was driving with that declaration. Is that really her standard? Girth and head shape?

The latest news is that another girl, told her that she, not Lily, was going to marry the little boy. I asked Lily how the girl knew this. Lily replied that the little boy hugged the little girl on the playground. Honestly, Lily seemed quite unphased by this turn of events, still believing that little C's heart is hers and hers alone. She announced to a teacher assistant, ""I am going to marry him so that I can kiss him all the time, whenever I want."

Last week, Lily announced to me that she got into a fight on the playground. Say what? A fight at 5? Insane! Evidently a girl from another class is also quite smitten with this boy. The two girls squared off on the playground and attempted to figure out a challenge. Unfortunately, Lily said, they couldn't think of one. Therefore, Little C just chose her.

Finally, I was witness to the following dramatic scene: We were playing on the playground after school. The afterschool care kids came out to the playground while we were still there. I was rounding up the kids as we aren't allowed to hang out there when they come to the playground. Lily realized it was the afterschool group and ran to find Little C who, by now, was sliding down the slide. Lily squealed, "Little C!" and ran over to give him a hug. About that time, I heard the word, "Little C!!" called out in a not so nice way. I looked up from the hugging couple and saw a look that would kill on what I assume is Lily's nemesis' face. She was a woman scorned. As Lily walked away from Little C, Lily told me that she was the "girl who I got in a fight with on the playground." I watched Little C, head hanging low, slowly walk to the girl who, towering over him, put her arm around him in the most possessive way. Thankfully, Lily did not see this.

Case #2: Child, age 8

Sadie has had a little connection with a boy in her class for a while now. Actually, it began last year when the two were paired for some dance in a special event day at her school. The story, like most of Sadie's stories, is somewhat vague, evolving and ever-changing on who made the first move. The beginnings of this relationship (if you can call it that) supposedly began with a verbal confessional on the part of the boy. Amazingly this boy has to be the sweetest, most well-mannered, quiet boy I know. They say opposites attract, right? Throughout the school year, there have been ebbs and flows of adoration. I checked in with the boy's mother during the class Christmas party. Her thoughts were about the same as mine: sweet, yet a very perplexing. The mom said that one day her son came home and announced the he and Sadie were over. The reason? Because she was just too bossy. Evidently they made up a couple of days later.

Case #3: Child, age 9

Sometime during the month of January, Ethan and I had one of those deep talks at bedtime. He initiated the conversation, saying he wanted to talk to me about something. I was completely not prepared for the next statement: "Mom, I just feel like I need to be a relationship." Stunned, not moving...catatonic for a few moments I was. I snapped upright as a thousand thoughts came rushing through my brain like, "You need to be more focused at school. You need to be able to locate your gray jacket that has been lost for 2 weeks. You need to remember that you have weekend homework on Friday, not on Sunday night when I tell you it is time for bed. The last thing you need is to have your mind consumed by this!" BUT, I refrained and simply muttered a calm, "Uh-huh. And, how did you arrive at this conclusion at age 9?" The verbal spewing began as he spun tales of unrequited love with a girl in his class. The pained look on his face told me that this was something he had been thinking about for quite a while. Now, he was at a crossroads...to tell or not to tell this little girl of his affections. The problem, however, is that the girl is already "taken."

Frankly, all I could think about was how to shut this entire pre-pubescent train down. NOW! This was way too much all too soon. I brought this craziness up to another swim mom and Ethan's swim coach. As I was telling them what had transpired, Ethan, who had been in the locker room changing into his bathing suit, walked by - dropping his socks along the way and neglecting to pick them up. "See!" I hissed. "He can't even keep up with his socks, he has no business thinking about relationships!" His ever-so-wise 23 year-old coach replied, "Kelsey, when he is 25 he still won't be able to keep up with his socks. He is a man. You can't tell him to stop. It is natural what he is feeling." Point well made. I still don't like it. Not one bit.

Jay wasn't much help either. He wanted to spur this crush on by, "creating a plan of courtship." What are we? 1850? I think what he really meant was that he wants to teach Ethan how to at least talk to girls, how to treat them, how to get to know them. At least Jay agreed that Ethan didn't need to be in a relationship at this age, but also doesn't want Ethan at age 16 unable to utter a single word to a member of the opposite sex. I can go with that. Maybe.

People of the world wide web...I beg for advice from any that might stumble upon this post. I have no idea how to handle these situations. I mean, this wasn't supposed to happen until junior high, right?

Oh, Sadie.

Tough day for my gal. Completely out of sorts and claims she is completely fine with that news about swim changes in my previous post. After a very, very difficult day at school, I had the pleasure of telling her I found her little piece of artwork in the basement. She decided my lampshade would look a little better with 5 red dots in row, courtesy of a bingo marker. Restitution was ordered up. What a lovely job she did folding three loads of laundry. Why do I not make the kids do this all the time? So nice to have that crossed off my to do list. There will be many, many laundry piles in her future. A new lampshade is not cheap.

While she was folding the laundry and I was fixing some hot tea, she said, out of the blue with so much confidence, "You know, Mom? I just have this feeling that I am going to be on America's Got Talent." She said it like there was no doubt in her mind that her fate rests with this television show. I dared not ask what her talent was going to be. Fear must have forced me there. Inwardly, it gave me a good chuckle.

Any good guesses out there on what kind of talent it might be?

ALL things work together for good...

In mothering, there is little more difficult than dealing with children who are emotionally hurt and deeply disappointed. I have found that I go to great lengths to avoid such times, as I imagine we all do.

Yesterday, I picked Ethan up from guitar and transported him to the pool for swimming practice. We had a sweet conversation about the plans of God. I can't recall what was the catalyst for this talk, but in the end, Ethan said, "But all things work for good, right Mommy?" Little did he know how much he would need to recall this statement about an hour later. For a nine-year old's world is vastly different than ours in terms of perspective and experiences. What we might be able to work through and then quickly move forward through, they cannot. The important, life-altering relationships are few, their security strongly rooted in them. For the sensitive child, change in general is challenging and the loss of an important person in their life is exponentially harrowing.

We arrived at the pool and gathered with the other families. A team meeting had been called for that afternoon to discuss the summer schedule and "plans for next year." The email that informed me of this meeting was vague and I knew that there was a high probability that the news would not be good. The news was brief and swift, much like the ripping off of a band aid. Unfortunately, it left a gaping wound that continued to bleed as more information was given and the reality of what the meant for my children set in. The site location for our team was going to close and our coach was moving to a location geographically and financially unfeasible for us.

Over the past year, I have recounted several tales from our experiences with the pool - from our first jaunt with the Elk's this past summer, to a smattering of swim mentions in other posts. I can't verbalize all the ways in which swimming has benefited my children. Physically, mentally, emotionally - they have learned valuable lessons on working hard, team-work, and sportsmanship. They have developed a new fondness for healthy eating and being "tough." This has spilled over in their spiritual life as well, understanding that they should always give their best for God, relying on Him to give strength to their bodies, rising above the fray of competition and spending time in prayer over it. Nothing has pleased me more than watching my son thank his timers, cheer on his fellow teammates, shake hands with his competitors, and encourage his sister (which is extremely difficult to do at times, I assure you).

There was comfort for Ethan in our current swim location. He is not Olympic material. However, he works hard, always does his best, listens to his coach and is content with improving his times. There is security in knowing that he is not compared to the other swimmers, that he is not intimidated by more advanced swimmers and he had developed quite a nice, tightly knit commraderie, with the other swimmers. I saw every ounce of that security and confidence drain from his face yesterday.

But possibly the most detrimental result of this news falls with Ethan's coach. Ethan's relationship with him is similar to that of an older brother. I am sure Ethan has been aggravating at times, just like a younger brother, but Ethan also opened himself up to this coach in a way that he has only done with me. It was a relationship that quickly evolved beyond what he had experienced with other adults of authority. This adult was always interested in him. Ethan trusted him, relied on him, gave him insight into his emotions and what he was dealing with outside of the pool. And, so, my son grieves this loss as if it were a death.

I have been faced with multiple situations over the last month that fall under this same set of circumstances - issues out of my control that greatly impact my children in a negative way and I have to deal with the fallout. It is not fun. Frankly, it stinks. At least at this moment, I am only dealing with Ethan on this as Sadie does not appear to have fully allowed the reality of losing her coach into her heart.

It is a great and valuable teaching lesson for Ethan and me. He was blessed to have this year and this relationship. There should only be joy in that, not grief. It is but a bump in this life, this very temporary life. In the perspective of disappointments in life, this will be minor - let's learn how to deal with them now. Finally, we must plow forward remembering that something phenomenal is still before us, waiting, because, "we know that to them that love God all things work together for good, even to them that are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28