Why I Am Leaving Facebook

Hi, my name is Kelsey and I am addicted to facebook.

My love affair with facebook began in June 2008. I even documented it with a post on this blog. Little did I know what started as a little whim would evolve into being a stronghold in my life.

Oh, it was so incredibly fun in the beginning. Every time I logged on there would be a new connection. I loved seeing updated pictures of people I hadn't seen in years, hearing what life had been for them, laughing at old times. I squealed in delight when I reconnected with my debate camp roommate from the summer of '86. I walked down memory lane with my girls from year abroad, even reconnecting with every member of my host family during that year. I found family members I hadn't seen in years, all the while sinking deeper and more passionately enamored by the trappings of facebook.

A high school reunion this past fall egged on the relationship. It fed the "need" to check facebook on levels that way surpassed more than healthy. The committee planned the reunion largely on facebook ensuring that I would be held captive for the planning period of 6 months prior to the event.

Little jabs by my real-world significant other (Jay), made me stop and think about my indiscretion, but it was easy to explain away the time spent as productive, useful, my only means of connection with "some of these friends." Meanwhile, I was checking my home page all too frequently - multiple times a day. I had way too much information in my brain, drivel that was dribbling to be exact, about mere acquaintances. Some "friends" I have never actually had a verbal, out loud conversation with. I looked at pictures of people I didn't even know!

Things started to really change when that little lovely voice of conviction started creeping in. It wasn't me, my husband or my friends telling me how this has taking over, it was Him. Those nudges you just can't explain away. You have to deal with them head on.

To cap it off, I started a new bible study, "No Other Gods" by Kelly Minter. Should have known by the title that this would be a study that made me examine the motives of my heart. One compelling statement in the early part of this study is, "I'm totally afraid we are routinely putting ourselves in front of things that compromise the good the Lord wants to accomplish in us."

You can begin to see cracks in my relationship with it here in January of this year. I was thinking about breaking up with Facebook, but wasn't quite ready to let it go. You know, what if I lost contact with some of my friends again? Part of my social world would disappear. I couldn't think about the horrors of horrors...my B.F. life (before Facebook) and returning to it. I wasn't willing to live that out, yet.

Meanwhile, the bible study continued. I set out to discover what I was, without much thought, putting ahead of what I should be. What had become an idol in my life? It was pretty easy to discover one. Facebook. Sure, there are several others sitting on the list, but Facebook is the easiest one to fix.

The smack in the face, however, came when it was revealed to me what the "things" on my list had in common. Identity. It was a little wounding to discover what I feared most was to be forgotten, to be looked over, to no longer have affirmation to my being - like having 19 comment posts to my status update. Now, you don't have to tell me how completely pathetic that is. My identity in Christ does not pale in comparison to my identity on Facebook, but in time, I had allowed that to happen.

While I am at it, let me just lay it all on the line. When you fill your brain up with information about other people, information that you would normally not be privy too, it can bring out some pretty nasty internal results...coveting, self-pity, comparisons, judgements, even anger. In fact, Tom Keller, pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NYC says, "Idolatry is attached to everything, All of our bitterness, all our impurity, all our malice, all of our problems, everything that troubles us is a result of idolatry." I had allowed Facebook to become an idol - of my time, of my emotions, of my identity.

Now, I am not here to stir up a debate about the merits of Facebook. Nor do I want to hear all the reasons why someone has justified their relationship with it. I am writing only about myself and my complete lack of self-control. In no way am I claiming that Facebook is a pox against all society and rallying for its complete destruction.

You know, I actually have to giggle at a remark someone made to me yesterday. I stated I was writing this post and they said, "It sounds like you are writing your obituary." Actually, it is. A death to the sinful, self-focused self that I am, that quickly foresakes God for a few comments and accolades on a website. However, there is no sadness with this announcement, only joy. In that death is a birth of more of Him within me. Oh what joy and peace knowing my heart now has more room for God. My God - a guilt-less, convicting-less, loving addiction.

This prayer from A.W. Tozer completely sums up this battle and victory (from Facebook, light-hearted and trivial, to the more heart-wrenching idols of self-worth and control):

"Father, I want to know You, but my cowardly heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding and I do not try to hide from You the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that You may enter and dwell there without a rival. Then You shall make the place at Your feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for You alone will be the light of it, and there shall be no night there."

Small Victories

I think parenting is all about living for the small victories. Let's face it, our kids are never going to behave the way we would prefer all the time. So, I believe God throws us these bones to keep us going in this predictably failing pursuit.

Small Victory #1: Yesterday, I wrote about my precious little girl's "shout out" to me at the door of our carpoolers. I had fully planned an "intense" discussion about this lovely sign of respect after she returned from school. Swim practice prevented that immediate discussion, which was a God designed delay. Upon returning home, kids were scattered in all directions putting up bags, taking showers, etc. However, Sadie found me,alone, putting away some laundry and said, "Hey Mom?" "You know when I shouted at you from the car this morning? Well, I am really sorry. That was really bad of me. Will you forgive me?" Sweet Jesus, thank you for the encouragement that my child does recognize the tone of Satan when it spews forth from her mouth.

Small Victory #2: After picking up kids from school today, my precious oldest one decided that I have failed him miserably by only allowing "healthy" snacks after school. He decided to repeatedly ask me for packaged chips that are 1) only allowed for school lunches and 2) not to be asked for as an after school snack. Oh, what a terrible mother am I, I heard. Why, oh why was he sent to THIS family. Woe. Woe. Woe is him. Topping off this endearing scenario was his attempt to parent my youngest on how she never closes doors. Instructing him to take a step back from this endeavor, he refused to zip it and began to belittle her. I sent him up to his room for an attitude adjustment. A mere 10 minutes later, I heard a little quiet voice asking to come out of his room. Yes, I responded. He came barreling into my room, his face scrunched up, tears in his eyes. Quite pathetic actually. I thought, "Oh no, here we go again...those blasted chips." Instead, this is what I got, "Mommy, I am so sorry for being mean to you. I just can't do that anymore. Will you forgive me?" With that, he started sobbing. I know I had to look like I won the lottery, stunned and thrilled all at the same time.

Small victories, people. Small victories will see us through.

A battle of self-control

Sadie, you ripped off a tiny chunk of me this morning. It is Monday morning, the beginning of a new week and already I feel a little less of a mother.

A forgotten vocabulary test is what was the catalyst. Struggling to hastily review 16 words was frustrating to you - words like accessible, imperative, effigy. You vacillated between feeling confident of your knowledge and throwing the papers across the room. Our carpoolers arrived. You had a moment of freakout as study time was over. Tears prevented you from heading out the door as you would never allow a friend to see that you had cried. I urged you on. You slowly, in defiance, walked to the door.

I watched from the closet window to make sure your transition to their car was an easy one. I watched you stand at the open car door, much longer than you should. I saw the carpool mom talking to you, turned from the driver's seat. You were not getting into the car. Your mouth was moving, but not your body.

I walked to the front door, opened it and shouted to you, "Sadie, get in the car." You turned to me, and screamed, "I AM!!!!" hurling all of the frustrations of the morning back to me. It was the pinnacle of disrespect and lack of self-control. Had I not been in a thin pair of pajamas, no shoes and yesterday's mascara hanging out under my eyes, I would have run out the door and to quote my own parents, "Jerked a knot in you."

Lord, I pray that one day your impulsivity will not cause you to lose your best friend, get you fired from your job, or worse, land in jail. Or maybe, I should be praying that one day, your impulsivity will not cause me to lose my own self-control.

End of Winter Update

The turn of winter into spring - at least on the calendar - never fails to stir in me a fervent desire to travel. It happens every year. We have had one of the coldest, seemingly longest, snowiest winters I can recall in my lifetime. Statistics probably prove otherwise, but for someone who gags when she is overly cold, this winter has been the pits. March, only a days away, signifies spring to me, whether the biting winter winds have died down or not. It is also time to start putting away the heaviest of winter clothes - the corduroy, the velvet, the wools, etc.

In previous years, March drove me to the streets. I felt like a caged wild cat, needing to get out, explore, anything for a change to the daily grind. I would hit the road with the kids, heading to the beach or to catch up with friends. Many times it was in tandem with my sister. Now that all the kids are in school, it makes the possibility pretty slim. And, with all that is going on with the business, it is not the time to "get away." My heart still pines for the warmth of the sunshine and change of scenery. I guess I will just have to settle on traveling 2 hours east for the kids' last swim meet of the season in Raleigh. The warmth will have to come from the humidity of the indoor pool.

I write this post on the heels of Jay's return to our home. He was away for 11 days for work. The kids were really out of sorts with him being gone. In the end, I was weary from consoling little children and wiping crocodile tears. I had to deal with some behavioral situations with Sadie, a crick in the neck with Lily and a weekend I had planned on being out of town since November, the logistics of which were quite ridiculous. However, I have found the most wonderful retreat for scrapbookers or any women wanting to get away. Whispering Winds. Simply divine!

Today was special because Sadie was baptized today. It was a sweet time of celebration. So many of our friends and family came to show their support. Throughout the service, she kept asking when was it going to be time. In her videotaped testimony, she said that the reason that she decided to get baptized was that she wanted everyone to know that she loves Jesus, the He is her Savior and that He is her Lord. She also talked about how Ethan led her to Jesus. It was a very special moment for our family.

Jay was asked to say a few words and here is what he said:

Ten years ago, Kelsey and I were baptized on the same Sunday in this church. It took us a lot longer to decide what you have already done in your short 8 years, Sadie. We are so proud of the choice you have made today. On your own, you have chosen to proclaim to your family, friends, and church that Jesus Christ is Lord of your life. Sadie, this is not the pinnacle of your journey with God. This is just another step that deepens your commitment to living out a Christ-centered life. We pray that you will continue to call upon Him in your time of need, that you will praise Him in the triumphs and in the defeats, and that you will understand that nothing surpasses knowing Him and being loved by Him.

I would like to close with this promise: Psalm 91:9-11
9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-
10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

We finished the day with a lunch at our house, adding in a birthday celebration for my grandmother - 84!

I was checking the kids' Friday school folders this evening. Sorting through the papers, I realized how much my youngest is growing this year. Adding numbers, writing little sentences like, "I like to ski."

Slow down! I wanted to scream, "Slow down clock. You make me very uneasy." And then, just as I needed it, like a director said, "ACTION!" Lily came prancing into my room, her hair a little unkempt and scraggly, wearing unmatching pajamas, requesting a "Lily sandwich" from her parents. She still needs me. Just reassuring to know.

Games

You wanted to play board games tonight. My day had been full of plans and to-do lists, but I had made a promise. Even I had to agree that it was a rare opportunity to play without little Miss Lily's stubby little fingers grabbing at all the pieces and parts or her insistence on playing a game that was way too difficult for her 5 year old mind.

We sat at the table, originally planning on including Sadie. One little meltdown before the first tile was played eliminated her from the table. There we sat, just the two of us. I saw the eagerness in your eyes. I saw how much this time meant to you. You had worked so hard this afternoon to help around the house. You wanted to help me with my job to guarantee my attention later.

Our game of strategy began. You were playing with as much skill as you could muster for a 9 year-old who had stayed up well beyond the usual bedtime the night before. Your yawns were another indication that the bed was calling you. Your little half smile. Your little quirky comments. I sat back and soaked it all in.

It was clear early on that I would be the victor and so I suggested that we simply stop keeping score. It would be nice just to play for the fun of it. You moved a little closer to me. I rubbed your head. You were content, despite a complete defeat, to continue playing...just to be with me.

You saw the tiredness in my eyes. You made the ultimate sacrificial suggestion to me. "Let's just put the game away and head to bed. It's ok, Mommy." My eyes watered for a moment. My sweet, senstive son. Willing to pass up what you had labored to ensure earlier. Just for me.

Time crunch

My plate is full. Here is what has been dished out, slopped on, piled up for me:

1. School choices next year for my kiddos. In my mind I keep saying, "Really? You want me to do what? Are you kidding me?"

2. We have had an offer accepted on a new warehouse. The move is boggling enough. Trying to get it prepared for move-in pushes my brain into maximum capacity. Exciting growth, painful transition.

3. Jay is leaving town - possibly for 10 days. I don't want him to leave. We won a fantastic de-install project in NYC. It is a trade-off.

4. Terrible, I mean heinous, behavior week for Sadie last week. I was in tears for most of it. I cannot make her do what she is supposed to do, but if I could, I would. Why can't people understand that? I don't need another mother calling me to tell me she is worried about her heart. Like I am not.

5. Can't find my new glasses. They are in this house and yes, I have looked everywhere. I feel lost and my eyes are hurting again.

6. Dealt with the 3rd anniversary of her passing. Painful moments, passed quickly enough, moving on for now.

7. Office time, school time, kid time, swimming time, all not balanced well enough.

8. Leaving this weekend for a girls' weekend to scrapbook. Planned since November. Now how to arrange childcare for three kids. Not going smoothly...at all. Is it worth it?

9. A child that is continually not feeling well. No fever, but always headache, stomach ache. Aggravating.

Lastly,

10. A bible study that is awesome, but clearly outlines that ALL of the above has come between me and God.

A friend recently commented that she would like to hear more about my husband as he never appears in my blog. She is correct that he is mentioned only in passing. I guess the reason is that this is my self-created little world and when I write about the kids, they can't come back and complain or critique. Let's face it, they don't know this blog exists and definitely don't know that their antics provide much inspiration.

Therefore, on this Valentine's Day, a day of love, I dedicate this blog to my one and only.

My husband is the smartest person I know. Maybe that doesn't say much, or maybe it offends every one reading this blog. Sorry. There is nothing the man cannot do. If he doesn't know how, he will teach himself how...a consummate learner. During the course of our marriage, he has played raquetball, scuba dived, sewn curtains and slip covers, painted murals and walls, started his own business, baked bread from scratch, hand crafted the cabinets and built-ins for our home office, which is stunning I might add. He knows about everything it seems.