The title of this post says it all. I have the most intolerable pain in my rear which runs down the back and side of my thigh. I feel the most pain when I am sitting up - like when driving or working at a desk on my computer. In order to write this post, I am reclining on my bed while sitting on an ice pack (how lovely). This pain has been going on for well over a week but in the last couple of days has increased dramatically. I went to the doctor yesterday and was given some anti-inflammatory stuff and some pain meds. I really thought I would see a vast improvement today. Nope. I drove Ethan and Sadie to the barn this morning (all of a mile from the house) and by the time I got home was ready to slap someone silly.
I did what every person does these days when they have any sort of pain. I consulted the internet. Seems it may or may not be sciatic nerve stuff, a bulging disc or a muscular issue resulting with nerve pain. No duh. However, what scared me the most was that some of these people were talking about 3 years with this kind of pain. What?!?!?!
So, here I lay. It is a beautiful, beautiful day to be outside working on our garden, playing with the kids, even getting out the sprinkler. Instead, I am a slave to my bed, slave to my house, slave to the whims of Jay who needs me with only 5 days to RaRa launch. Someone help me...
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
A ball of goo
I don't know what it is about this week. I have been an emotional ball of goo. I have cried at the drop of a hat, buckets, sobbing, little sniffles, even random tears. Sure, there is a lot on my plate...a lot of changes, but I am a little taken aback by it all. Maybe this is where is all started...
There was a great article in the paper on Sunday about a couple who has been married for 66 years (66 years!). The wife has been caring for her husband for the past 10 years because he has Alzheimer's. A few years ago, it was required that he be moved into a facility. Despite this, she spends 10-12 hours each day at his side taking care of his every need. She is there to dress him, feed him, take him to the bathroom, give him sips of water, but most importantly, she is there to hold his hand. That is their thing - hand holding. According to her, that is what they have always done. Last week, they renewed their vows at the care facility. Arranged by the staff there, they had a minister and even a small reception. It seemed that for a brief moment, her husband responded and smiled with a little yeah when asked if he would take his wife forever. The tears were plenty. I know, I was there. The story was about my grandparents.
Only a week later, my grandfather sits in ICU. His heart is getting weaker, prostate cancer has invaded his kidneys and the Alzheimer's progressing. I went to visit last night and as I walked into his room, there was my grandmother, doing what she has done for the past 66 years. She was sitting beside him holding his hand. My grandfather was asleep with the occasional moan or snore.
I sat down and we talked. I have, ashamedly, discounted the actions of my grandmother as a sign of weakness. Her lack of "a life", her incessant dedication to my grandfather, her inability to make long-term decisions regarding his care all seemed to be a deficiency in her mental capacity to accept reality and to strike a healthy balance. Her drive to keep him alive each and every day seemed to be a waste of the time God has given her on this earth. Shame on me.
What I learned from her was really one of God's lessons to us all. It was a lesson that God showed me many times in my journey with Ansley. I have followed this lesson for short periods of time and then my old always-be-prepared, controlling self would start creeping back in again. It is simple and it is her motto. "I just take it one day at a time," she says matter of factly. She doesn't think about the what ifs, the possibilities, or what the future holds. She simply waits for the situation to change before she processes it. Admittedly, she says she can't go there and she doesn't. She just loves my grandfather for what he is today.
My grandmother believes as I do, that God is completely in control and the he will take care of this entire situation - my grandfather's health, her health, his care, even my grandmother's grief when her companion of 66 years is gone. But she has successfully managed to work it out into her daily life. I have not.
There was a great article in the paper on Sunday about a couple who has been married for 66 years (66 years!). The wife has been caring for her husband for the past 10 years because he has Alzheimer's. A few years ago, it was required that he be moved into a facility. Despite this, she spends 10-12 hours each day at his side taking care of his every need. She is there to dress him, feed him, take him to the bathroom, give him sips of water, but most importantly, she is there to hold his hand. That is their thing - hand holding. According to her, that is what they have always done. Last week, they renewed their vows at the care facility. Arranged by the staff there, they had a minister and even a small reception. It seemed that for a brief moment, her husband responded and smiled with a little yeah when asked if he would take his wife forever. The tears were plenty. I know, I was there. The story was about my grandparents.
Only a week later, my grandfather sits in ICU. His heart is getting weaker, prostate cancer has invaded his kidneys and the Alzheimer's progressing. I went to visit last night and as I walked into his room, there was my grandmother, doing what she has done for the past 66 years. She was sitting beside him holding his hand. My grandfather was asleep with the occasional moan or snore.
I sat down and we talked. I have, ashamedly, discounted the actions of my grandmother as a sign of weakness. Her lack of "a life", her incessant dedication to my grandfather, her inability to make long-term decisions regarding his care all seemed to be a deficiency in her mental capacity to accept reality and to strike a healthy balance. Her drive to keep him alive each and every day seemed to be a waste of the time God has given her on this earth. Shame on me.
What I learned from her was really one of God's lessons to us all. It was a lesson that God showed me many times in my journey with Ansley. I have followed this lesson for short periods of time and then my old always-be-prepared, controlling self would start creeping back in again. It is simple and it is her motto. "I just take it one day at a time," she says matter of factly. She doesn't think about the what ifs, the possibilities, or what the future holds. She simply waits for the situation to change before she processes it. Admittedly, she says she can't go there and she doesn't. She just loves my grandfather for what he is today.
My grandmother believes as I do, that God is completely in control and the he will take care of this entire situation - my grandfather's health, her health, his care, even my grandmother's grief when her companion of 66 years is gone. But she has successfully managed to work it out into her daily life. I have not.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wednesday, April 22, 2008
I had a wonderfully strange dream last night. The details are a little foggy, but what I do remember was fantastic! I was living life in a musical reality!
This all reminds me of a dear college roommate who's mom thought life would be so much better if it worked like a musical - people breaking out in song and dance at random moments of emotion. I have to agree.
The dream had to have come from a compilation of attending High School Musical and watching Andrew Lloyd Webber on American Idol last night. You know how these real life details morph themselves into a dream like the piecing together of a panoramic photo.
What would life be like if everyone sang in harmony and danced perfectly choreographed numbers? The aisles of the grocery store filled with ladies with dancing carts and smiling kids? Kids breaking out in song while they completed their assigned chores - with happy faces. Or worse, they break out in "It's A Hard Knocked Life" from the musical "Annie."
Well, maybe it is not such a good idea now that I think about it.
This all reminds me of a dear college roommate who's mom thought life would be so much better if it worked like a musical - people breaking out in song and dance at random moments of emotion. I have to agree.
The dream had to have come from a compilation of attending High School Musical and watching Andrew Lloyd Webber on American Idol last night. You know how these real life details morph themselves into a dream like the piecing together of a panoramic photo.
What would life be like if everyone sang in harmony and danced perfectly choreographed numbers? The aisles of the grocery store filled with ladies with dancing carts and smiling kids? Kids breaking out in song while they completed their assigned chores - with happy faces. Or worse, they break out in "It's A Hard Knocked Life" from the musical "Annie."
Well, maybe it is not such a good idea now that I think about it.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Encouragement
It was a plethora of love from Ethan tonight:
The phone rang:
Me: Hello...hello?
Ethan using a disguised voice: Hello, I am a billionaire and I want to give you a million dollars for being the best mommy in the world. Just kidding, this is Ethan, your son. (love the "your son" part)
As the lights were going down for bed time:
Ethan: Mommy, if you die, I'll die, too.
Me: No you won't.
Ethan: Yes, I will. I'll kill myself. I just want to always be with you.
Me: ETHAN! No! Remember God has a job for you to do. We don't talk like that. I understand what you mean, though.
Ethan: Mommy, I think you are doing God's job for you really great!
Be still my heart.
Ok, I'll admit it. His love might have been slightly exaggerated because Jay bought a Wii tonight sending him in to an atmospheric high. When I figure it out, I will post more on the Wii and why it was purchased at the end of a 6-month period of no income.
The phone rang:
Me: Hello...hello?
Ethan using a disguised voice: Hello, I am a billionaire and I want to give you a million dollars for being the best mommy in the world. Just kidding, this is Ethan, your son. (love the "your son" part)
As the lights were going down for bed time:
Ethan: Mommy, if you die, I'll die, too.
Me: No you won't.
Ethan: Yes, I will. I'll kill myself. I just want to always be with you.
Me: ETHAN! No! Remember God has a job for you to do. We don't talk like that. I understand what you mean, though.
Ethan: Mommy, I think you are doing God's job for you really great!
Be still my heart.
Ok, I'll admit it. His love might have been slightly exaggerated because Jay bought a Wii tonight sending him in to an atmospheric high. When I figure it out, I will post more on the Wii and why it was purchased at the end of a 6-month period of no income.
Sadie's part
This past Friday was Grandparent's Day at HPCA. It is the day where all the grandparents or special friends are invited for a musical presentation by the Elementary, followed by an open house of the classrooms. It is a day that the kids really get excited about - for obvious reasons. Hundreds of doting grandparents descend upon the school and then are allowed to take their "budding stars" home early from school for ice cream.
This year, Sadie was given a speaking part. She was recommended by her teacher and then chosen by the principal. I was totally shocked! I remember over a year ago, I sat at the annual Christmas program completely stressed. Sadie was still in 4-year preschool and I came to this sick-to-my-stomach realization that it would take a miracle from God for her to actually be able to participate in such a program next year. She would not sit still, she would not focus, she would decide to run across the stage with her fanny showing. You know, something typically Sadie. OR so I thought!
Friends, God is still in the miracle making business!
This year's Christmas production came and went without a blip. Her teacher even remarked how focused and into it she was. She kept her eyes on the music teacher, sang loudly and produced all hand motions at appropriate times.
Therefore, when I found out that Sadie received a speaking role at Grandparent's Day - one of only 3 in the kindergarten, 1 of 17 in the entire school...well, I was both elated and weak at the knees.
After one day of dress rehearsal the week of the production, Ethan announced the following:
Mommy, I was so nervous for Sadie when it was her turn, but she was awesome! She did a great job. Mommy, it was just incredible.
I began to relax...a little.
Seeing that the odds are strongly stacked against Sadie ever getting another part at a school production, Jay and I decided to crash the senior citizen party toting the obligatory video camera.
It came time for her part, the last speaking part. As she made her way to the microphone, I stood up to get the perfect shot. I am sure I mouthed her few lines along with her just like a pushy stage mom:
"The greatest example we have is Jesus. He is the King of kings, yet he humbly came down to earth because we needed a Savior."
She nailed it. There was even a little murmur across the crowd as she took her seat. It was clear, it was poised...she was in her element. I was teary.
Raising her has been hard work. Many times, I have felt like she was sitting there chipping away at me piece by piece by piece. There were times when I just sat down and cried. My failures were plenty, my frustrations many, and my prayers a thousand fold.
But God IS in the miracle business. He is faithful to bless us when we are so undeserving.
I know that I am not out of the woods. Sadie is Sadie, after all. But for a moment, I saw what God sees in her. A beautiful little flawless soul who loves Him.
This year, Sadie was given a speaking part. She was recommended by her teacher and then chosen by the principal. I was totally shocked! I remember over a year ago, I sat at the annual Christmas program completely stressed. Sadie was still in 4-year preschool and I came to this sick-to-my-stomach realization that it would take a miracle from God for her to actually be able to participate in such a program next year. She would not sit still, she would not focus, she would decide to run across the stage with her fanny showing. You know, something typically Sadie. OR so I thought!
Friends, God is still in the miracle making business!
This year's Christmas production came and went without a blip. Her teacher even remarked how focused and into it she was. She kept her eyes on the music teacher, sang loudly and produced all hand motions at appropriate times.
Therefore, when I found out that Sadie received a speaking role at Grandparent's Day - one of only 3 in the kindergarten, 1 of 17 in the entire school...well, I was both elated and weak at the knees.
After one day of dress rehearsal the week of the production, Ethan announced the following:
Mommy, I was so nervous for Sadie when it was her turn, but she was awesome! She did a great job. Mommy, it was just incredible.
I began to relax...a little.
Seeing that the odds are strongly stacked against Sadie ever getting another part at a school production, Jay and I decided to crash the senior citizen party toting the obligatory video camera.
It came time for her part, the last speaking part. As she made her way to the microphone, I stood up to get the perfect shot. I am sure I mouthed her few lines along with her just like a pushy stage mom:
"The greatest example we have is Jesus. He is the King of kings, yet he humbly came down to earth because we needed a Savior."
She nailed it. There was even a little murmur across the crowd as she took her seat. It was clear, it was poised...she was in her element. I was teary.
Raising her has been hard work. Many times, I have felt like she was sitting there chipping away at me piece by piece by piece. There were times when I just sat down and cried. My failures were plenty, my frustrations many, and my prayers a thousand fold.
But God IS in the miracle business. He is faithful to bless us when we are so undeserving.
I know that I am not out of the woods. Sadie is Sadie, after all. But for a moment, I saw what God sees in her. A beautiful little flawless soul who loves Him.
My hotel thing, by Lily
For several months now, Lily would bring a toy into the car calling it her "hotel." The toy might change, but she would still call it her "hotel." I totally didn't get it and thought this was just one of those quirky things. Some sort of odd qualifier of her toys. This morning, Lily walked into the bedroom with a toy and declared it was her "hotel" thing. I remarked to Jay that I was baffled by this reference. He looked at me and calmly said, "Kelsey, that is her "show and tell" thing!" AHA! And, good for Jay for being the translator for once!
Deep Thoughts, by Ethan
I love my little thinker, Ethan. When confronted with a new situation or experience, he doesn't often make much comment. However, weeks or even months after they have happened he will have a few questions and want to 'chat' about it. Inevitably these conversations begin just as I am getting ready to turn off the light at bed time. How clever of him, right?
Last night, he and Sadie were sitting on his bed. They have become bed buddies lately which I don't fight. Ansley and I slept in the same bed through junior high. I suspect in a year or two it will Sadie and Lily sharing a twin bed in the night. I think it has actually helped their relationship as it seems they don't fight nearly as much.
Here are some of his questions over the past 3-4 years:
1. How can God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit be one?
2. Who created God? How can he have always been?
3. Why did God have to take Mamie (Ansley)?
4. Who created Satan?
5.If God wants to be with us, why didn't he just create us in heaven. Why did he bother with earth?
Last night, it was a doozy:
What if someone just decided to make up our God, you know just made up all this stuff? I mean, what if we are worshipping the wrong God and we will just die because we are worshipping the wrong God? I don't want to just die. I want to go somewhere - I want to go to heaven.
Ok - So, I wasn't quite prepared for that one out of left field. Thankfully, I was holding his Bible and I was able to point him to: Jesus said, I am THE way, THE truth and THE Life. No one comes to the Father, but through me. Along with some other scriptures of relevance. Seem to satisfy him for now...
I love that he thinks on such a deep level for a 7, almost 8 year old. I love that he doesn't accept things at just face value, but wants to explore and mull it over and question it. And, I am sure this will not be the last entry titled...Deep Thoughts, by Ethan.
Last night, he and Sadie were sitting on his bed. They have become bed buddies lately which I don't fight. Ansley and I slept in the same bed through junior high. I suspect in a year or two it will Sadie and Lily sharing a twin bed in the night. I think it has actually helped their relationship as it seems they don't fight nearly as much.
Here are some of his questions over the past 3-4 years:
1. How can God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit be one?
2. Who created God? How can he have always been?
3. Why did God have to take Mamie (Ansley)?
4. Who created Satan?
5.If God wants to be with us, why didn't he just create us in heaven. Why did he bother with earth?
Last night, it was a doozy:
What if someone just decided to make up our God, you know just made up all this stuff? I mean, what if we are worshipping the wrong God and we will just die because we are worshipping the wrong God? I don't want to just die. I want to go somewhere - I want to go to heaven.
Ok - So, I wasn't quite prepared for that one out of left field. Thankfully, I was holding his Bible and I was able to point him to: Jesus said, I am THE way, THE truth and THE Life. No one comes to the Father, but through me. Along with some other scriptures of relevance. Seem to satisfy him for now...
I love that he thinks on such a deep level for a 7, almost 8 year old. I love that he doesn't accept things at just face value, but wants to explore and mull it over and question it. And, I am sure this will not be the last entry titled...Deep Thoughts, by Ethan.
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