Someone throw me a lifeline.  I am drowning.

My cup runneth over

For the first time in my life, at least that I can recall or realize, someone who I once considered one of my closest and dearest friends, doesn't want that title any longer. It sounds so juvenile to write that, doesn't it?  Yet, my heart is a bit sad.  Over the last year, I have left multiple messages on her phone, sent a few emails, contacted her through facebook and even mailed a nice card.  All of which have yielded nothing, not even a one word response.  I let this nearly impact my Mother's Day weekend.  Why is it that we are magnetically pulled to what we don't have?  Gravitating to what seems to be missing, rather than the abundant blessings God has given us.

That realization hit me yesterday morning as I woke to the sounds of "Happy Mother's Day!!!!" at exactly 6:24 AM. In came my three blessings with a tray of breakfast they made for me. On the plate were two pancakes, two sausage biscuits, two slices of toasted cinnamon toast and a pat of butter. They also brought in a cup of coffee which they made themselves. Quickly, they scampered out of the room to retrieve their homemade creations and presents.  My heart was quickly filled with their unconditional adoration and appreciation. 

Here is a poem, one of a handful of Sadie's written declarations of love for me:

Kind
Exactly the mom I want
loving
so cool
everlasting love
She is my journal of secrets
My mom is loving, kind, giving, cool, amazing, she tells awesome stories, the best, patient, a good mom.  I love my mom!


The line that made my heart swoon and brought tears to my eyes was, "She is my journal of secrets."  I have been working on developing a level of trust between the two of us that has been absent in earlier years.  There, in that little line, is the fruit of my labor.  She gets it. 
 
It is nice to have that type of affirmation from the ones you pour your life into.  But, is it necessary?  Not biblically, I know.  We are to give ourselves fully to His service without the guarantee of thanks, without the guarantee of seeing the fruits of our labors.  We should toil, perservering to the end, finding fulfillment in our work for Him, not the pat on the back that boosts our ego.  Even when relationships are failing, we honor God by walking in His ways.
 
As I am writing this blog, let me tell you how God was working to soothe my soul.  I had just ordered new swim bags for the kids to carry all their gear in for practice and meets.  I had been holding off on this purchase because it is not a cheap one and I wanted to be sure the kids were in this for at least another year or so.  Friday was the first day the kids used them.  Friday was also the day of our swim site cookout at our house.  I left practice early in order to have the house ready for the 30 or so guests that would descend directly after practice.  Another swim mom brought my kids, along with 3 others, to the house in what must have been one majorly chaotic ride.  
 
Fast forward to Sunday night when I asked the kids to get their swim gear together.  I saw a look on Sadie's face that made me a little uncomfortable.  She did not know where her brand new bag filled with clothes, bathing suit, etc. was.  This was very, very unlike her as she is usually so responsible.  I chatted with two of the swim moms on facebook and neither had seen it.  I was quickly growing tense over the situation, trying to remain calm until I knew for sure that it was gone.  Was it left at the YWCA, never to be seen again? 
 
My phone rang while I was typing this post.  It was one of those swim moms who had already gone to the YWCA this Monday morning, before 9 AM, to search for Sadie's bag. Sadie's bag - not even one of her own children, not her responsibility. I was blown away by her concern, her generosity of her time, her willingness to help me.  Unfortunately, the bag is not there.  Instead, I mytseriously found it in the trunk of my van which Sadie must have hurriedly thrown in there when she arrived home for the cookout.  Case solved.
 
And, so, here is God gently reminding me of His truths:  1) Focus on what He has given you because no matter the circumstance, there are blessings. 2) He always provides for you. Always. 3) Listening to God's voice offers opportunities to serve and grow and finally 4) We should never, ever be driven by the reaction and response of this world, particularly in our definition of self.  God's ability to fill our cups will always outshine the limited possibilities of this world.

Mother's Day 2010

I woke to the sounds of "Happy Mother's Day" at exactly 6:24 AM.  In came my three blessings with a tray of breakfast they made fo rme.  On the plate were two pancakes, two sausage biscuits, two slices of toasted cinnamon toast and a pat of butter.  They also brought in a cup of coffee which they made themselves.

Random musings

I have a multitude of events, issues and thoughts that have occurred over the past several weeks.  I kept a running list of them in this post and have been waiting for a time to add in the details.  Time hasn't made itself available until today and even now, the trash is overflowing out of the toters in driveway.  Writing is the perfect procrastinator to tackling my least favorite chore...bundling and taking the trash to the dump.

We keep swimming along.  Literally.  Today, Lily will attempt to swim her first 25 yard freestyle.  Monday, at the pool, she overheard another mom offer to fix her daughter a grilled cheese.  Lily became fixated.  However, I am militant about not being a short-order cook.  I already had dinner planned for that evening and was not going to add to my work load to whip out a grilled cheese.  I know, harsh.  So, I threw out the idea that I would be thrilled to fix her a grilled cheese if she swam that 25 on Wednesday (which is today).  She seems quite pleased with the idea.  I don't have the heart to tell her that we have dinner plans out and therefore, the grilled cheese won't actually be fixed by me.  Hopefully, she won't drown and won't care where it originates.

Sadie is on her own little rewards obsession.  She is consumed with getting her ears pierced.  I was not allowed this treat until I was in junior high and buy into that old school of thought.  Not to be deterred, Sadie has offered up what I consider a quite amazing goal.  If she gets her A time, she gets her ears pierced.  Mind you, an A time in swimming is somewhere around a junior olympic time.  I told her a BB time would suffice (which is slower).  She wouldn't hear it, insisting on it being an A time.  Time will tell.

Ethan has reached another teenage plateau.  This time, it is not a bad thing.  He realizes that he likes taking a shower in the morning before school and here is the kicker...he likes taking a shower every day!  Wow!  Hip hip hooray for personal hygiene!  He also likes topping it off with a little dab of cologne, which nearly caused my olfactory sense to revolt to my own child.  Thankfully, we have worked our way through "Pepe Le Pew," to "I bathed in it," to "My prescence is known," to now "subtle and appropriate." 

Yesterday, I found an empty cling wrap carton in my driveway.  For several weeks now, I have uncovered some bizarre uses of the wrap by none other than...Sadie.  First I discovered that she wrapped the base of a small pine tree, multiple times.  I am not sure if she thought this would protect the tree? Yesterday, I noticed she made a "wrap" for Lily that served as a wedding gown.  Then she used the wrap like duct tape and attached a glass jar to her scooter into which she deposited a bunch of rose petals.  While Lily walked the driveway, Sadie rode along on her scooter scattering the rose petals.  Later the saran wrap was used to create a sling for Sadie's imaginary broken arm along with some scotch tape.  I guess it is time to start creating a box with all kinds of materials - cardboard, wrap, tin foil, tape, bits and baubles from the office to spur this "creativity?"  The one thing that definitely needs to be included is a pair of scissors as those never seem to be handy when I am in "clean-up and repair mode."

Speaking of Sadie, God has revealed great insight into Sadie over the past several weeks. In all of my praying about her academic future, along with a very odd and difficult circumstance I cannot write about on here, I have discovered this:  Sadie does not have an inherently trustful heart.  The only way that she believes something to be true is if she experiences it.  When I talk about consequences for certain actions to her, I realize those don't resonate with her, until it happens.  When she would climb trees at age 3, I would warn her not to do it because she would fall and hurt herself.  Her response, "I not fall, Mommy.  I not fall."  The tricky issue with all of this is that Sadie does not often "fall," in the literal and figurative sense.  She is good at most everything she tries and therefore, does not encounter many situations that she either has to deal with or can't solve on her own.  Let me clarify.  She makes a LOT of poor decisions, but has become a master of making sure no one knows.  However, this recent difficult situation provided me the opportunity to "save" her from major embarrassment, thereby building a new level of trust.  I am confident that one of the reasons why I am to homsechool next year is to provide more opportunities to grow our relationship. 

I think everyone has heard the phrase, "God has such a sense of humor."  I'll mark this entire homeschool decision into that column.  I mean, Sadie has been my child that I have never shed a tear over when it has come to separation.  First days of preschool, school, camps, etc. I might have appeared to ever so slightly push her through the door, turn and walk very quickly away.  I know, that sounds terrible, doesn't it?  This is no indication of my love for her, but is a statement on my patience and understanding of her.  A year ago, she would have been the LAST one I would ever have considered homeschooling - my most head-strong, strong-willed, challenging, curious, intelligent, tenacious, and crazy child.  God must have howled when I announced that I would never homeschool her. Now, here I sit, just as calm and peace-filled about this decision.  I am excited about it...with Sadie. 

I love my little Lily's inquisitiveness.  I don't recall either of my other two asking so many questions about reading.  Ethan struggled a bit more in the beginning and Sadie just always seemed to know how to read.  However, Lily wants to know why behind everything she doesn't know. Last night it was, "What is that?" as she points to a quotation mark.  "Why do you not sound the "e" on the word gate?" " Why is "want" pronounced "want." Obviously, she wants to push forward with reading.  Looks like I will try to come up with some sort of enrichment for her this summer, too.

So, this is random, but worth mentioning.  I had a complete impulse buy yesterday at Wal-Mart.  I find it fascinating how they package food these days.  Choosing to tout some new health benefit, enticing you to buy a product...and I am Gussy Gullible.  This time around...Ann's House Chocolate Nut Antioxidant.  The label says, "trans fat free, cholesterol free, very low sodium, good source of Antioxidant Vitamin E."  I am sure all of this is true, but not when you consume half the bag in one sitting resulting in 30 g of fat and nearly 800 calories.  Sigh. 

I could continue this post by writing about my ire for these new silly bandz, but time is ticking on the garbage. Yes, I purposely wrote silly bandz and garbage in the same sentence.

A seriously blow was dealt to my own estimation of how successful my mothering is and it was self-inflicted.  Sometimes I think I have crept into the underworld and decided from that perch I should  make decisions regarding how to best rear my brood.

Cue Silly Bands. 

You know, I don't think I bow down to the peer pressure that I see my kids experience. Jay on the other hand has so many horrific flashbacks from his childhood memories of knitted clothing, two odd-ball jogging suits and  that he

And, so, silly bands it is this time around.  What mother wouldn't want to spend $3 on the thinnest piece of plastic every created by man, molded into some barely discernible shape that you wear like a bumpy bracelet.

I begin this post knowing that I will probably ruffle some feathers.  I might even be seen as arrogant and pompous.  However, I write this post in an effort to put to paper what I learn about Sadie.  I have been given great insight into her being over the past week or so. 

The Sadies of the world attribute to about 2-3% of the general population. And here is the best definition I have found so far.

"Their excitement is viewed as excessive, their high energy as hyperactivity, their persistence as nagging, their questioning as undermining authority, their imagination as not paying attention, their passion as being disruptive, their strong emotions and sensitivity as immaturity, their creativity and self-directedness as oppositional. They stand out from the norm."

Does I really feel better about my mothering when I know the kids leave for school in the morning with teeth brushed, hair combed, decent lunches/snacks in their bags?

I am "on top" of my game this week.  It usually happens when we move back into the house for market.  I make some ridiculous attempt at maintaining the house at that uber sanitized level for about 2 weeks.  Nothing escapes my clutch of control.