The best part of waking up...

During my virus/stomach bug/g.i. funk a little over a week ago, I could not stomach my favorite beverage, coffee. It is amazing to me that in just a couple of days, I went from 3 cups, gladly, to not even being able to stomach the smell. There is no doubt I was a coffee addict. One day I accidentally made decaf and by lunchtime felt like my head was in a vice grip and was going to pop off my body at any moment. I am not really a coffee snob. I mean, I know my coffee, but can easily drink McDonald's along with Starbucks. Although, it doesn't get much better than the Pumpkin Spice Latte (just don't look at the color!). So, it was with mixed emotions that I poured my first cup of java this morning. Just a small, regular coffee mug. It doesn't even taste good and I won't drink even half of it. Bummer.

Speaking of changing taste buds, I am reminded of a summer at my grandmother's house. The garden was overflowing with summer tomatoes, which I absolutely went ga-ga over. Because there was no way to sell or eat them all, she canned them for future consumption. That fateful day, I eagerly sat in her kitchen while she stewed the tomatoes for the canning process. A bowl, salt shaker and fork in hand, I sat at their small wooden kitchen table eating deposited tomato after tomato. I ate so many that my favorite food soon became my most hated. For some 9 or 10 years I could not stomach tomatoes. I loathed them. However, sometime 15 years ago, I tried them again and magically, my love of tomatoes returned. How I love a sandwich with juicy, home-grown, summer tomatoes, mayonnaise and a dash of pepper! The only time this has not been the case was when I was pregnant with Ethan - I could not eat or smell anything with tomato sauce (no pasta, pizza, no sandwiches, etc). Interesting.

I have always hoped that this same taste bud change might happen with my dislike of anything originating from bodies of water - lakes, oceans, etc. I abhor seafood - fish, shrimp, mollusks, squid - I'll stop there before I sound like Bubba in Forest Gump. That fishy taste, the rubbery textures - yuck! It is so healthy for you that I feel that I am missing out on one of nature's superfoods. Every year I try something -a little bite here and there in hopes that my mouth has done an about face and aqua food is more palatable. That is one reason (like there aren't a million others) I could never be on Survivor - I would starve to death.

I am curious if others have such issues, leading me to the questions of the week:

1. Is there something that you used to love and now can't stomach?
or
2. Is there a food you hate which you wish you didn't?

The cost of relief

Prescriptions: $500.00+
MRI: $1700.00
Neurosurgeon: $3,000
Lumbar disketomy: $15,000+

Our insurance: LOUSY! Easily, I have made my $5,000 out of pocket for the year.

Relief from pain: Priceless

Thieves in the night

I was in bed (like I have been many other places lately) last Saturday night. It was around 11. Jay had just come to bed. We were watching a little tv -can't remember what was on. Bobo was on the back deck and started to bark. He is not a barker and it was a pretty focused barked. It also seemed rather loud and I got up (pain doesn't keep you from being paranoid). I walked to the deck door and realized it had not been shut all the way, so I took the opportunity to tell Bobo to hush. As I was shutting the door, I heard a voice (or so I thought).

I hurried back to bed and told Jay that I thought I heard a voice outside. This coupled with Bobo barking should warrant Jay getting out of the bed. Jay simply said he wasn't getting out of bed and that I didn't hear anything. About 15 minutes later, I got up to go to the bathroom. As I was walking across the bathroom, I turned to look out the large window above our garden tub. I saw headlight and taillights down near the sharp turn and nearly let out a squeal. JAY - SOMEONE IS IN OUR DRIVEWAY! I SEE HEADLIGHTS.!!! He sprang from the bed, grabbed shorts and a baseball hat and loudly announced he was going after them. The bathroom need was urgent so I did my business and headed into the living room. As I rounded the corner, I called out Jay's name. He was sitting in the dark in one of our brown leather chairs and said, "You have been forked." (that is not a typo) I turned and looked at the front door which stood wide open with the front porch light on. There, in my yard were a ton (a hundred, maybe more?) of plastic forks pushed individually in my yard, each with an index card stuck into the tines. I knew immediately what it was and who had done it! Yippee! Not only did we NOT get robbed :) but my great friends had taken the time to write encouraging words, bible verses, prayers funny memories, even some strange pick-up lines on all of these cards. It was to lift me up during this low time. HOW FUN!

The next morning, I let the girls pick all the forks out of the yard, as I obviously couldn't. They loved doing it. One by one, I read the cards - some brought smiles, some brought giggles and some inspiration. It was just want I needed. I had hit a real low with the pain, epidural failure and g.i. bug I battle for 6 days. My friends heard it in my voice and came running with love.

Now - the funniest part of this entire thing is that my great friends were thorough enough to send Jay an email to let him know of their intentions, only the day before. Jay received and read the email...and had FORGOTTEN all about it. Additionally, what in the world was Jay going to do by going after them in my minivan? Lastly, what was the need for the baseball cap - were the robbers going to be scared by his bed head? I got some laughs out of that. Another good result from the forking - Jay and I now have an emergency plan if that does happen for real.

Here is a BIG thank you to Amy (the mastermind), Beth, Lori, Angie, Rebecca and Stacy. You guys are the BEST!

Broken Back Mountain

As time has marched on since her passing, my conversations with my mother center less and less around Ansley. It is a normal progression, I suppose, and a healthy one at that. However, my bed/sofa ridden times as they have been over the past month, have surfaced memories that had been filed away. They are the ones of struggles and challenges and helplessness.

For 3 years she lived largely in the bed. I can see her -fogged out of her mind in attempts to cover her pain. Her mouth slightly parted and eyes a little droopy. She would smile a little half smile. She was very child-like.

Three years...and I have had only 4 weeks. In no way can I comprehend what her months and years felt like. Each day for me has seemed like a year. I won't venture to guess how they felt to her. I am not forced to contemplate the end of my life as she did each day. All of the variables we had with Ansley - the attempt to control pain, not be over medicated, the push to see doctors, the unknown diagnosis, the constant shuffling of schedules, kid pick-ups, household chores, and my own sense of guilt are so uncomfortably familiar...it just heaps on the emotional pain along with physical. It is a new level of understanding for me and it is very unsettling. This new place of understanding brings new compassion, compassion I wish I could have shown her. The fact that I am at a new level of empathy racks me with guilt - did I shower her with true sympathy and love while she was here?

This has also brought a particularly cruel sadness to my mother. She would never voice that, but I have seen it and felt it. After my failed epidural procedure last Wednesday, the nurse pushed me in a wheelchair to my waiting mother and her car. Wheeled up to the car door, I made the quick move to the front seat which was reclined all the way back. My mom helped get the door closed and then got into the driver's seat. As we pulled away, she said, "Seeing you wheeled out brought back a flood of memories of me picking up Ansley so many times." At that, she burst into tears and sobs. It hurt me.

My mom has picked up the ball with my kids and their activities. As school is winding down there are the usual parties, field trips, etc. Lily's last day was yesterday, Thursday. The parents were to come for the final party which was followed by a little performance of her music class. My pain level would not allow me to handle what would amount to 2.5 hours of sitting and standing, so my mom agreed to be my stand-in. After the event, mom brought Lily home. She sat down in the kitchen to tell me all about it. I could see the entire day had brought back memories of being in that same role for Graylyn. Once when Ansley was still living and then last year at Graylyn's graduation when Ansley was gone.

She is once again thrust into the role of caregiver, provider, limousine driver, launderer, dishwasher, errand runner, etc. I know in my heart that it is one she does willingly and happily, but I know where this has taken her and I am sad.

It's been a while, my friends

Most of you who frequent my blog received an email telling you about my scheduled surgery on Wednesday. As I wrote in the email, I believe I have been vindicated - there was a real reason for the torturous pain I have been in. Most people are very leery about back surgery, but they have made a lot of improvements. Relief is prayerfully close!!!

On a very, very bizarre note and what can only be described as a miracle - bizarre, but a miracle...the person who I really owe the biggest thanks to for getting me into Dr. Neave (top dog neurosurgeon in HP), the one who ended up going to bat for me, who came through on a promised phone call and had me in the NEXT day instead of June 18th...MY NEW BFF...

MR. BIG BRAINS!!! Yes, can you believe it? The PA who was such a jerk to me came through with compassion, care and yes, honesty! Do I feel guilty about what I wrote about him previously - no. It was a truthful depiction of my time with him. I do believe because I joked with him about that comment, showed honesty and a true desire to get well and work hard, we had a little conncetion. Who knows.

What did I learn from this encounter? We all have bad days. We all get frustrated and worn out. But the effect of how we chose to react can create a very inaccurate portrayal of who we really are. Clearly Mr. Big Brains in his core is not the person I encountered that first appointment. I wonder how many times I have allowed my irritation to be vomited on those around me, particularly strangers who for no fault of their own just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time (or the "right" time in order to teach me a lesson). What an inaccurate portrayal of me they must have. It sorta hurts to think about it.

I actually wrote the above blog on Wednesday, but hadn't proofed it (I use that term loosely). I received the "Link" from church just now and Bill (the new-ish pastor) wrote my intentions above much more succinctly. Here it is:

Whatever this day - or any day, for that matter - brings you, God has designed that the unique set of circumstances that puts you either in a moment of exhilarating success, abysmal failure or somewhere in-between makes you a momentary "expert." Except for the reality that the Holy Spirit is with you, no one will have been exactly where you are in that experience. So, what will you do with the moment and its discoveries?

Prayers

I have a lot of thoughts about blog topics this week. Unfortunately, I can't get them down on the computer. I am on my knees (literally) typing this at my computer in the basement, thus limiting the amount of time I can type. So - I had the epidural on Wednesday. Most, most, most disappointingly, I have had no change in my pain level. If it is possible, I think the pain has actually gotten worse. That may be because I stopped taking pain meds for several reasons. One) I felt over medicated and 2) I had either a reaction to coming off Prednisone or caught some sort of virus that basically made me feel very hung-over for the past 5 days and 3) I wanted to see the true effects of the epidural. I was told that I could resume activities the NEXT day so I hoped off in the car on Friday to take the kids to school. I was smart enough to take Jay with me which was good because I wouldn't have made it home. It took at good 45 minutes upon returning home to get the pain under control. I will call the doc on Monday to see about getting another shot. As I think this is standard protocol, but am not sure. I cannot get into therapy until the 29th, but am going to call Monday to see if there isn't another location I can visit.

To add - I haven't been blogging because the laptop died - an abrupt and painful death. Jay thinks he will have it repaired on Wednesday - at least I will have contact with the outside world.

There is a small part of me that is very fearful that I will never get rid of this pain. It is the irrational side, I know, and lack of faith in God. Prayers would be greatly appreciated in this area as well as for Jay. He is hanging on by a thread. He is my hero.

Big brains

I got "worked" into the neurosurgeon's office today. For clarification, I saw one of the P.A.s. The following statements/questions made by the P.A. will probably give you an indication of my high opinion of him:

1. So, you are who had to be worked in between my two brain tumor cases?
2. Yeah, after I had my epideral injection, I passed my black belt test in karate later that day.
3. Epiduaral injections come in sets of three - count them - 1, 2, 3
4. Assuming you can maintain the weight you are currently as you get older...
5. How can you watch three kids while taking oxycodone?
6. Yeah, I have had husbands call me up and ask me if I can get their wives on something other than prednisone.

Looks like I am going to be forced to get the epidural injection which may or may not work - not work at all, work for 5 days or like for my illustrious P.A., work for a year. After which I may get another one (at some $1900 a pop with our fabu insurance) or then be required to have surgery. Is that clear for you? It wasn't for me.

I know, I have been quite the crab the past couple of weeks - my posts reflect it and that stinks. Pain, narcotics, steriods and stress will do that to you. My post have not been very fun to read and I am sorry. I need to get a clear head and get back on track - in the God zone.