Monday, March 5, 2007

Found this in a post on the bcmets site. It was so perfectly written in terms of how I am feeling regarding grief.

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be 'healing.' A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to 'get through it,' rise to the occasion, exhibit the 'strength' that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing this will not be the issue. We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself."
--Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking, 2006, Vintage Books, p 188-9

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I started reading 90 minutes in heaven yesterday. I found that all I could do was engulf myself, obsess myself with the details of heaven. I found myself so caught up and encouraged about the book that I became disgusted with myself later. Why can God not be enough for me? Why is it that I have to continually seek affirmation from elsewhere whether it is a person, circumstances or books. This book's author also said that while in heaven, he never thought about earth, what he left behind because he was so completely filled and with out desire for anything. Isn't that how we are supposed to be on earth. If we are so filled by God then what would we need to look further? Why is it that we cannot be content with God? It is not that God can't do enough it for us, it is that our own sinful nature is such that we are always looking for more to comfort us. Or rather we don't trust God to do it in his time and to his fullness and there fore we try to take over.

Since Thursday it has been tough. Jay's mom and sister are here. Although I am glad they are here, I am not ready for them. I needed more time by myself to grieve and I don't feel I can do that while they are here. I can't get this all together and give them energy, focus or enthusiasm I feel they need. I just want to be by myself. I need to talk to Jay to let him know just what is going on inside of me - maybe he can explain it all to them and they will understand when I slink away. Maybe I just need to be alone for a night???

I realize that over the past three weeks because of the duties of life, I have not really been able to collapse like I want - there is always someone or something needing me. But, is that life's design so that we don't waste away in some abyss? Is that God's way of keeping us on track and seemingly focused on Him? I just don't know.

Right now I just want to go to bed - take a good nap. I need a good cry. I want my sister. I want that part of me back. I will never be the same. Will the new me measure up? With a legacy like Ansley's how can I measure up to her? What is my focus which I know is different than Ansley's. What is my gift to the world, God? How are You going to use me know?

By the way, I missed Ethan's basketball practice for the second week. Just completely forgot to take him to it which is so incredibly unlike me. It scares me a bit that something like that could just be lost in my mind - not once, but twice!

Friday, March 2, 2007

This has been a week of ups and downs - tears and some laughter. I am not quite back to my old self and I don't know if I will ever be. Will there be a time when I can truly laugh and feel joy at life itself? I am trying to stay on the platform and not on the roller coaster, but it is so hard and it is the little things that keep getting me back on there. It is not a ride that I enjoy so why do I continue to keep my eyes on my circumstances and not on God? Just reading about a constrictor snake that grips its prey tighter and tighter until its heart stops beating made me feel a lump in my throat and brought tears to my eyes as it reminded me of that hospital time with Ansley. I read some comments made regarding her on the CBC website that made me cry. I received a letter today from someone who wrote out her prayer for me. Boy, that was a big cry. Why are people so kind when I am so undeserving? Similarly, why did Christ do something so kind when I am so undeserving. Can I continue with Ansley's legacy? Will I "work" myself to death trying to have God working through me. What a crazy statement that I just wrote! Do people see me as something other than what I really am? Is there pressure to counsel and encourage others? I so don't want the pressures of daily life. There for a while (ok, only two weeks), I felt the pressure to not do anything. Unfortunately, the kids have been sick and basement finishing project and market has called me to attention. I don't think I have time to really process all that has gone on. I am beginning to feel the need to be by myself. All of that comes when Jay's mom and sister are set to arrive on Monday (in three days). I don't know how that will all pan out. I know I still have some organizing and straightening to do. I think tomorrow will be a little tough as I clean up the bonus room and come across pre-Ansley things. I can hear Skippy playing with something in here with me and it is freaking me out. I wonder what my relationship is going to be like with dad now? he wants to go have dinner together next week. Can I do that? Emotionally, that is something that Ansley and I would periodically do together and now it is just me. I want her back. I need to hug her and give her kisses and scratch her arm and head. Will I ever forget that night - the last night I rubbed her head? I wonder when she opened her eyes at the very end, was she scared, was she terrified? It bothers me to think that. Did she need us to say something to her? How could everyone be so calm in that room and tell her to go to Jesus? I wanted to scream for her to fight, to not leave us as in some insane way it was under her control. I wanted to scream - NO, NO, NO, like somehow I could voice my opinion and change things. Right now I feel stifled like no one hears me. That no one understands me. I know God is here because I know that I am not functioning myself. But now, I just want to run away - just like I did at times when Ansley was here and the cancer had just taken too much control of my life. When does CANCER stop controlling your life, your thoughts, etc. I have thrown myself into God, His work. I have grown, I have prayed, my spiritual life is so much fuller, yet, I find myself still dwelling on pain, suffering, hurt, agony, loss. When will this end? When will it get better? I went to MOMS group today - it was so incredibly painful. I could have sobbed. They played "In Christ Alone" - such a great song, but one that is so painful for me to hear at the moment. There is so much connection with that group and Ansley. Ansley brought me there. She encouraged me to go. She and I went together many times and then went to lunch. She was there in December when I spoke of her and our journey together - just two months ago. It hurt. I don't think I will go back for a while.

The only thing that has brought me some brief bit of light is the encouragement I have received from others to continue writing. Maybe there is something to this. The most influential person is Aunt Kay. Her writing is wonderful and she has told me to keep going. Somewhere there might be something to this. God, please direct my paths if that is something You have given me.

Wednesday, February 21

It has been a little over a week since Ansley's passing. I miss her...i miss her...i miss her. It is so painful, so deep. A true sense of loss, despair, loneliness that I have never felt before. i remember a small bit of this when ansley married todd - i begged her not to do it because I didn't want to be alone. I felt abandoned. it is a like a wave that comes and doesn't stop until it has reached the very top of my head and the bottom of my toes. it is like a knife that is just cutting and cutting and cutting. i feel like i am wandering around with no focus or purpose. what do i do now? where do i go? what is my focus?

Today is Friday, February 23. I do feel a little better today. Yesterday, I felt a tiny bit of joy. It made me so sad because it means that life with Ansley is getting further and further behind me. The time spent with her is already slipping through my fingers. I never want to forget her smell, her smile, her slightly yellow teeth even. Her fingers and how they could work magic with paper and scissors and scrapbooking. I don't want to miss scratching her arm, her playfulness with animals, her love of my Ethan. I don't want to miss anything because I want her to be with me. I don't feel anger...I just feel a loss. I am thankful for to God that I was able to spend as much time with her as I did in the end. That I was able to spend the night together at our scrapbooking event. Who will I room with next time? Who will I travel with to the beach? Who will I hang out with, laugh with, run errands with, eat lunch with? Next school year will be so lonely. I had planned on doing so much with her as the girls would be in school and we could run around, scrapbook, etc. How will this all work out?

I have so much I need to do, but no drive to do them. I need to be in the word, but no push to be there. I need to read for small group but have no motivation. It is nap time and i am more interested in crawling into bed than focusing on God and I am scared that my yearning for Him is gone.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A new year, another story. I could have never picked what this year would start like five years ago. Where are we? What are our issues? What consumes us? What are our goals?

Jay - Still worried about his heart. New tidbits of information regarding his health seem to slowly arrive finally making sense out of everything. He has hypothyroidism. Great diagnosis for determining why he has gained so much weight, why he has had muscle problems and why he has been so irritable. However, the solution is not as simple as medication. Although he will take some, it has to be monitored with his heart problem. Hypothyroidism can also cause heart problems itself and that of course adds to his worry. Work is not too great and that is also a source of dissatisfaction. He just needs a change of atmosphere and a change of perspective. The money is so great that it is hard to walk away, but I think that it is inevitable. He is bored and tired of working for someone else. I am concerned about him. It doesn't help that I had this horrible dream in which both he and Ansley died. It was horrible and I couldn't stop crying in it. He isn't the Jay that I married, but neither am I the same person he married. I just wish he had a joy about him, a happiness - that life didn't weigh him down so much.

Ethan - Has started the year as a great reader. All of the sudden, he has just taken off. It is great. He tries so hard to please me and God. I worry that he feels he cannot make a mistake and that is terrible. I need to start teaching him about the concept of grace. I want him to know that no matter what life brings him and the choices that he makes - God is there and God loves him. That goes for me, too. He is a great singer and loves to praise the Lord. He has a sense of taking care of younger kids (except Sadie) and constantly asks to work in the nursery. What a sweetie. He still loves to snuggle and need Mommy time. I will dread when that ends. He is crazed about Lego Star Wars computer game and legos in general. I wish he like to be outside more, but I plan on this being the summer of playing outside at the creek and making dams and forts, etc. He will start Upward Basketball in a couple of weeks. I look forward to seeing some physical activity as well. I wish that he was able to spend more time with Jay. Although they have their little scout deal, so I really shouldn't complain.

Sadie - We have come so far with Sadie. I can see such great strides. Her need for me seems to be so incredibly great at the moment. She almost goes crazy when I leave her at home to go out (when a babysitter is here). Even when Jay is at home she constantly tells me how much she loves me and comes crying to the door, etc. She has done really well at school since the Christmas break. Maybe she is better at controlling her impulsively. But, she is still quite manipulative and seems to derive much pleasure at controlling others, bragging and hurting others. I don't know why she cannot just be happy for others instead of looking at herself. She is very confident and loves to perform - mainly dance which she has made up herself. She has little rhythm, but that doesn't stop her. She loves make-up and hair stuff. Nothing can replace a pack of paper and markers. She is always making letters and cards and writing things down in a child's scribble. She is more than ready for kindergarten and I am looking forward to seeing what is in store. She is physically capable of more than most kids her age. She can jump rope, skimmy across those monkey bars, etc. She loves for someone to look her in the eyes and spend time talking to her, asking her questions and taking an interest in her. She love tea parties and she loves for me to ask her, "What do you need," in times of upset-ness. She was very, very grown-up at the doctor's for her 5-year check-up. Always interested in what they are doing, her tears were not many when the three shots came. Whew! She is our resident animal care-taker - feeding and watering the birds, Skippy (and litter) and Bo-Bo. The other day I found her grooming Skippy in her bathroom. This involved having him sit on her counter top which she wet a brush and brushed him. He actually took it - didn't try to escape. Amazing. She told me that it was the day for him to have that done - he gets it done twice a week. A vet job might be in her future. I just want her to learn about humility and obedience. It would help her to have a life that is fuller of joy.

Lily - She is learning about trying to get her way and has learned how to make a huge mess. She is, afterall, 2. Really, she is 2.5 which amazes me that she will be 3 soon. Where is the time going? She is really talking - lots of sentences, questions, etc. Amazingly, she knows her numbers 1-10, knows her alphabet at about 75%. She counts to ten, and loves to play. Let's play mommy, I hear all the time. She loves to read books, loves to play with play-do, color, puzzles. I am in the middle of cleaning out all the toys. Amazing how many she is past and are really just too baby for her. She loves school - my kool - as she says. She told me quiet means quiet the other day. She adores Grammy and Grand-d. She actually says hey to most people who look her way. Occasionally, she will act shy, but usually she is in a great mood. She likes to dance, listen to music. She sings the Clean up song from Barney - sings it as Keen-Kup, Keen-Kup. Very cute. Calls Skippy - kippy. Loves to play with Whitney. I never really hear her talk about other kids in her class. Only this week did I hear her tell me Noah when asked about what they did in class. She likes to get water out of the refrigerator dispenser which makes such a mess that we have to keep it on lock. She absolutely loves to go outside and play. She takes most directions well, but lately says no-way (not just no). She will hit sometimes I think just to see what the reaction will be. She likes to grab toys that Ethan and Sadie are playing with and run away with them. She knows it drives them crazy. She wants to be included in everything everyone else does, but she is just a little too young to do most of it. I put her in curlers tonight - she loved it. Her hair is so gorgeous she doesn't need it - thick, beautiful, blonde and perfect curls, but since Gray and Sadie were getting their done, she had to, too. I wish I had more time to spend with her and I try to sit and play for a while and then I find myself cleaning out toys while doing it. I have to stop that. She is a good eater but has really shot up and slimmed down. I need to go her weight checked, but I think she is doing fine. I have cut out a lot of the dairy and moved into more fruit.

I wish I could write more, but it is nearly 10 pm and I need to review my bible study one more time before tomorrow.

November 2006

Things seems really, really tough lately. Ansley is not well and it really makes me sad and emotional. After some conviction from the Lord, I am decided to go off Zoloft. I realized I was taking it as a treatment for sin (anger, emotions, etc.) and I wasn't at the root of the problem. How can it really be solved - for me to really let go of the control, house clean issue that I have? It is so tough and so minute by minute by minute. It is so yucky to go through this and I wonder if there will ever be an end.

I plan on looking at pictures taken over the past couple of months in order to accurately blog what all has gone on.

In general, however, Lily has taken off in the speech department. Instead of saying "I come," she now says stuff like, "I am coming." She loves to put puzzles together and truly "play" with toys and things. As always I want to have more time to play with her and interact and do art things. Last week she saw the letter "W" and gave it to me and said "dub-ya." I was pretty impressed. In October, she went from saying Ma-ma, to Mom-Mom to Mommy. Her hair seems to grow and grow and grow and I realize it is just about time to get it cut! It is so incredibly LONG and beautifully thick! She still loves Dora and Barney. She likes to play with anything that has buttons and makes noise. It is time to reorganize her room so she can reach some toys and play in her room. I probably need to get some shelves in her closet for toys as well since she doesn't have the built-ins like Sadie. We moved her into a big bed over market and for the most part it was such easy transition. I was resistent, but Jay pushed it because of furniture market. She only had one or two nights of getting out of bed. She responds well to spanking and stayed in after that. I have had some trouble iwth napping during the day. She likes to pull all the clothes out of her drawers - I don't know why.

Summer Notes

As I sit here documenting our summer and changes in the kids, I am blown away with how fast time is going by. I look at Lily and she is truly no longer a baby. She is still very happy and just a delight to be around. She throws up her hand and says in a very southern way - "Heeeeyyyyy" to just about everyone. Some of her more recent phrases include seyatoon (see you soon) - so cute. She is such a little chatter box. She knows a few colors - blue, red, green, the number 9 (a little bizarre), the letter D and O. She will sit on the potty for a long, long time (1-2 hours), but not do anything. She thinks she is going potty which is cute. She asks to go right after she has done it. So, I know we are getting close to starting. I kinda of dread it, but know that once it is all done, it will be great not carrying any sort of diaper bag around. But that means she has truly grown up, too. I need to get that photo of her pointing to all of her body parts like I did Ethan and Sadie. She certainly knows them. She is completely into Dora now after a good stint with Barney (still loves him). She tries to sing the song - d-d-d-d dora. She loves to dance and move her body to music. Ethan is officially called Buddy - I LOVE IT! What a sweet thing to have a special name. It is only fitting because Ethan is the one who calls Ansley, "maimie". I am not really sure how to spell that correctly because it is not mamie like in Gone with the Wind. She sometimes calls Mom, Mimi and Colby, Beebee. She loves, loves, loves Henny and he always says that he would give her the world. Speaking of, we asked Henry if he would be the next in line to take the kids if something were to happen to us. After mom and john and oma and opa, we have to have another person and really Henry is the one. In ten years, he might be listed first based on the health of our parents. Thankfully, the children should be well taken care of financially (life insurance and sale of our assets) so that should not be a concern, but it felt good to ask him and I feel great with that decision.

I am listening to Ethan singing to a great Christian song. So sweet.

Ethan has had a good summer. He lost two teeth in June (actually one at the beginning of June and one at the end of June. It is the two bottom ones and I love his look without the teeth. None of the other ones seem loose so we will wait. He really loved having Jay pull them - it was that mix between anticipation, excitement and a little fear. He went to several camps this summer - music camp at church, tennis camp, and horse camp. He also had horse lessons each week this summer. At the end of the summer he was able to walk, trot and cantor by himself. He also made a small, small jump. He loves riding Pegasus and I think it might be something he continues to do in the future. It is good for focusing, too. We still have issues in that area. He has trouble following multiple step tasks that I ask him to do. He can't comprehend everything I say and seems to hear every other word - much like his daddy. That can be a little frustrating for us both. I heard some improvement in his reading last night. It is still a struggle, but I finally heard him get the words: what, now, something, and down. However, he still can't get car. I need to do some work on rhyming words with him. I think that will help.

Ethan has also started to not want to kiss me in public. This happened when I dropped him off at horse camp this Thursday (august 9). He kind of looked around to make sure no one was watching and gave me this quick kiss on the cheek. He told me later it was "embarrassing." I was completely taken aback. Who does he think he is to make that decision!!! :) I had some cute conversations with him in that same week. He is my stinky-foot, horse-smelling, skittles smelling boy. He loved that! He also told me (despite the changes in public displays of affection) that his favorite thing in the whole world is to snuggle with me. Still me sweetie.

Sadie has had a difficult summer. I thought we had made some break throughs, but she has such a difficult time controlling her emotions, needs, wants, etc. The worst of this summer was this past week. It is my problem, not hers. I left her, accidentally, at home. With all of the hub-bub of getting in the car, and everything I had to carry to the car as well, I thought she was in the car. I dropped Ethan off at horse lessons and was heading into High Point and realized she wasn't in the car. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Meanwhile, Angie happened to call my house and somehow Sadie picked up the phone and was able to talk with her. Angie calmed her down and told her she was on her way. Then, Angie called me and I told her I was already almost home. I was absolutely in a panic. My poor, poor Sadie. I feared for her, I was scared for her, I cried for her. When I arrived home, she had turned on the t.v. and was at the phone where Miss Angie was leaving her another message. Her eyes were swollen from crying. I just held her and cried with her and told her over and over how sorry I was and asked her to forgive me. She said she wasn't mad, but sad. She said she prayed to God to bring me back to her. She said she turned on the television and there was a guy singing about smiling which helped her calm down. She said she knew it was an accident and that she knew I would come back. I thought she was very brave and very mature in her handling of what had happened. It taught me to value her and to love her more and more. I look at her and she frustrates me so much that I realized that I have to slow down in order to focus on her in a way that is effective. Oh - two cute things she has said. She was showing Graylyn her diary and said, "Graylyn, this is my diarrhea." Also she just asked to pain on the weasel (not easel).

We have finally gotten out the behavior charts (if-then and blessings). The kids seem pretty excited about them and I have found some other ways of creative discipline. Like, I have Ethan run around the outside of the house when he is out of control physically and can't focus. It has been a great deterrent. I need to set up the posters, and go over them at length with the kids.

I have had a difficult couple of weeks. The emotions were out of control. I have made a concerted effort to take Zoloft each morning. We are on day 3. I think I will see some results in two weeks. I just can't talk to anyone any more without getting criticized for my reaction. I know I release my hurt as anger and people don't understand that. However, every time I expose myself, it comes back to hurt more! I must pay, pray, pray for changes!!!

Ok - So the bonus room is completely out of control. I must get a handle on the mess with the kids!