Another day...

Things I have learned in the last week or so...

1.  A trip to the beach with a couple of girlfriends can drastically change the direction in which you are going.

2.  I had a friend tell me that she did not know one homeschooling mom who did not have a complete crisis during their first year, regardless of how the year was going.  Makes sense to me.  There is a lot of under the surface stress in that department.

3.  I don't have to accomplish anything big for God. I just have to love Him.  Sometimes stillness and quiet are good things. Sometimes loving God and loving my neighbor happens to be with those who are with me every day.  I have to be ok with that.

4.  Despite previous diagnosis of teeth grinding, poor eyesight (resulting in glasses), sinus infections, and allergies, the new most logical diagnosis for my forehead, eye throbbing, and cheek numbness is a type a migraine.  Here's to some new meds while I start documenting their occurrences.

5.  A doctor who is willing to tell you a very personal story about their own bout with depression and spiraling emotions to help you not feel alone in your misery is the type of doctor I want to see.

6.  My husband that can make me laugh no matter how terrible I feel physically, how irritated I am at him, or how on the verge of bawling I am, is a keeper.  Twelve years and I can say...he is a keeper.

7.  On that same note as saying he is a keeper, I can also state that no matter how minuscule, simplified or even common sense filled the list might be, Jay is never going to complete any "to do" list that I make when I go out of town.  I will never write such a list again.  It is a waste of my time and energy.

8.  Keeping my mouth shut and walking away is always, always, the better decision in the long run.  Let the battle be the Lord's. 

9.  Lily is becoming quite the comedian.  Funny little looks and clever little statements.  Keeps me smiling.  What a little joy.

10.  Although she can come across as being a bit ditsy, Lily is actually quite aware of what is going around her, what is on the calendar and when things are due. 

11.  Ethan can exaggerate social situations for fear of rejection.  His own recognition of such is quite mature for him.  He is such a deep thinker. 

12.  Ethan is very determined to stay on track and focused at school and his outside activities.  I know that sounds like a blanket statement, but I see him taking more initiative than in years past.

13.  Sadie will never be allowed to take prednisone again after tomorrow. Never. 

14.  Homeschooling is still the best decision I could have ever made. 

15. Sadie is a lovely little girl (while not taking prednisone).  Her multiple phone calls while I was away made me realize how much we have grown to enjoy each other's company.  I think we missed each other more than we had anticipated.

16.  No matter how disappointed I am because of my own actions and those that I must deal with, my children and my husband are more than enough reason to never give up.

I have not slept well in several days.  By that, I mean only a couple of hours each night and those have been fitful.  I have had had 4 dreams in the past week that my children and/or I have been diagnosed with cancer. Throw in multiple conflicts, emotional spiraling, the loss of another one to cancer and that equals one very downtrodden person.  Make that depressed.  Never have I been so ready for Jesus to return.  I am tired of life on this earth.  I hate it.  I have failed, continued to fail, and I never seem to move past the same cycle of failure.  Retreat I must.  No words of encouragement here.  No signs of victory evident.  No shouting off the rooftops.  Just done.