New Look, New Perspective

Yes, you are in the right place. Just making some upgrades. I have seen quite a few blogs lately with fun backgrounds reminding me of my favorite hobby - scrapbooking. I couldn't resist this color combination, one of my favorites as of late (lime green & black).

In moving things around and editing, I thought about my blog name, "Flying on Wings Like Eagles," and this picture (left). The name, if you don't know, comes from my favorite scripture:

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

This picture was taken this New Year's Eve (yes, that is me). My "good friends" announced to the staff at our favorite Japanese steakhouse that it was my birthday. Not a complete lie as it was the day previous. And, not only did they tell them it was my birthday, but my "good friend" Beth told them to really embarrass me. The staff descended upon our table and made me stand up, put my hands high into the air and announced that it was my birthday - to the packed to the brim restaurant. They proceeded to make me do the chicken dance - and thus, my flapping chicken wings pictured. At least I am smiling, if nothing else, from the embarrassment.

I looked at this picture and saw the clear picture of trusting in the Lord or trusting in ourselves. You see, we all have the proclivity to try to fly ourselves to happiness and self-worth. We try using our own resources, our own emotions, our own WILL. What it amounts to is some very pathetic, and sometimes humorous little chicken wings. They may temporarily get us off the ground, making a whole lot of ruckus in the process. We may even have a momentary satisfaction of achieving something on our own. But, quickly gravity thrusts us back down to earth. Reality check. We are only a tiny step from where we were before.

On the flip side we can make the firm decision to trust in the Lord. His design for us and His WILL for us - in ALL things. And, then we don't flap and squawk. We aren't standing on our own, working and fighting for flight. Instead, we take one big leap of faith and He does the rest. We just enjoy the flight, soaring above our circumstances, soaring above our suffering.

I went parachuting about 11 years ago. (more on that later) The relevance is that the sound you hear when you are high in the air is of...nothing. Complete silence, unlike any I have ever heard. The world below me, all of it - the pain, the unhappy circumstances, the grief - far, far away. Momentarily, I saw something I had not see before. The larger picture of the world.

And, so, that is where I want to be. Focusing on the larger picture which I can only see when I trust in Him, rising above it all. I can't get there on my own little wings. And, I want this vision - not just momentarily, but every day. I want a new look, a new perspective.

Book about Me Page 89

I received a very cool book for my birthday from my mom. In actuality, we were out shopping and she spied the book at a clothing store. We both thought it would be resourceful for writing and archiving. It is entitled, "The Book about Myself: A Do-it-Yourself Autobiography in 201 Questions." Now, let me make it very clear that I do not feel that I have lived a life justifying anything close to an "autobiography." However, I am interested in documenting life - its twist and turns, its roller coaster, its smooth sailing. This book gives inspiration for that. And so, I randomly opened the book and decided I would answer whatever question/topic was presented.

Page 89: This health problem or accident was very scary for my family:

O-K. This could be a very lengthy blog. I could spend pages of revisiting Jay's heart attack or Ansley's breast cancer, but am not compelled to go there at the moment. Instead, I will talk about what came in the mail today. An envelope with a pretty pink butterfly in the outside, invoking a innocent essence. But, the return address, The Breast Center of Greensboro, would indicate otherwise. It was my reminder letter that it is time for me to schedule my 6-month MRI follow-up to my little "scare" in August. To set the background go here.

There is no reason to be uptight about this in all reality. They didn't find anything in those 2 core needle biopsies, except some cystic disease that is usally caused by too much caffiene. I mean, I have a 1 in 4 chance of being diagnosed with breast cancer in my lifetime verses 1 in 8 for the rest of the female population. So, I suppose that is something. But, it is still a bunch of conjecture of random facts, in my opinion. Nevertheless, I can't seem to let this just roll off my back. That envelope just sits there on the counter adding to the weight that dropped suddenly in my stomach upon its arrival.

Breast cancer is scary for my family because it came out of nowhere, like a high-speed train on a collision course. One day we were all healthy and the next, one of us was dying. It radically changed our lives and tried to control us for 3 years. It took the best part of our family from us. The mention of it brings a little ache in my heart and I suppose that will never go away.

There is no question that I will always get my yearly mammos and MRIs. Won't give it a second thought. And, I am hopeful this will be the only time I am requested to come at a 6-month interval. My appointment is in February.

A One-Man Girl

Last night I had the rare opportunity to spend just a smidgen of time alone with just one of my children. Totally unplanned, Sadie and I made our way home from scouts and it was a sweet time. The conversation flowed freely and touched on everything from scouts, to school, to a couple of "why" questions. Here is part of the conversation that I want to remember:

Sadie: Mommy, after you get married, why do you go on a honeymoon?
Me: So, you can spend time with your new husband, just the two of you, alone.
Sadie: If you get married again, I mean, if your first husband dies and you get remarried, do you get to go on another honeymoon?
Me: I suppose so.
Sadie: Cooooool. Well, I am never going to get remarried.
Me: Why is that, Sadie?
Sadie: Because I know that there is just one special boy for me.
Me: Do you know what, Sadie?
Sadie: What?
Me: I already pray to God about your husband. That he is being raised to know how to love you, shower you with love.
Sadie: Really?
Me: Yes, really.
Sadie: You know, and its ok if he is a little silly. I will still love him.
Me: Yeah, Sadie. I think he will need to be a little silly and crazy. That will be just perfect, perfect for you.

A friend posed the following question to me recently:
Did you marry the person you did because of who they were and qualities they possessed, or did you marry them because of their potential?

It reminds me that love is not a feeling. It is a decision and a commitment. The person you marry is not perfect, but they are perfect for you. And, that which brought you together in the first place, may not be what still attracts you. It evolves and changes. But, the decision and commitment does not. It is with this resolve that we can be one-man girls.

Delicious Essence

In order to make a purposed break from the introspection which has resulted in a bit of negativity as of late, I bring to you something completely interesting. Pointless, but still, I think interesting.

Found out there is a new taste sensation in town. Don't think I learned about this in school when regurgitating factoids about the tongue and its various bud areas. So, check this out:

In addition to sweet, salty and bitter, our tongues are capable of detecting a fifth taste known as umami. First identified by a Tokyo professor, umami (loosely translated as "delicious essence "is often described as a savory or meaty taste. These foods are rich umami:

Aged cheeses such as Parmigiano-Reggiano
Vine-ripened tomatoes
Mushrooms, particularly portobellos, shittakes, porcini
Corn
Cured pork such as prosciutto
Smoked or cured fish
Shellfish
Asian fish sauce
soy sauce and miso

I find this list of gastronomical favors intriguing. On one hand, I find immeasurable delight in a fresh from the summer garden tomato and mayo sandwich. But, clearly find anything related to seafood despicable. Wish I loved creatures from the sea, but I just don't. Love the prosciutto and dig some good aged cheese. The latter is an awesome way to use cheese, yet, cut down on the calories when cooking.

I'll throw out a question for the day. You can answer in your mind, pondering it for the day. Or, you can feel free to write your answer in the comments section.

What one particular food do you like to savor in all of its "delicious essence"? Oh, and remember that word, umami, as it looks like a great one for scrabble, crosswords, or the like.

Gratitude

Life is definitely cyclical. Behavior, I suppose, is even more so. There are times when my children exhibit such gratefulness for what they have. Their comments are plentiful and heart-felt. They know the value of money and that we don't have it to spend as we please. They show their appreciation for us as parents, often thanking Jay for working hard for our family and for me for my daily toil.

And then, we have today. I knew that it would be a tough afternoon - first day back to school after a long Christmas break. Over the past two weeks, we deviated from our normal schedule quite a bit (later bedtimes, later wake times, more t.v. than usual, extra sweets, limited responsibility) and I knew that getting back into normalcy would be require patience and diligence on my part. But, I still wasn't prepared for Ethan's attitude and question as he prepared to complete his homework.

Ethan: Mom, you said you were going to order us lunch in January.

Me: I'm sorry, Ethan, I forgot with the holidays. I think at the time we were trying to hold our expenses down as money was a little tight. Plus, you had to order December and January at the same time.

Ethan: Well, you promised.

Me: I am sorry, but you need to understand that sometimes my intention can't always work out.

Ethan: (tears starting to well) Well, everybody orders on Moe's day (Mexican day). I am embarrassed when I have to eat my packed lunch.

Me: Are you serious?

Ethan: (with more anger and less crying) Well, why don't you order my lunch? Everybody orders. I am the only one who doesn't. It is embarrassing to be the only one to walk to the tables instead of going through the line. It is not fair.

Me: (really trying to control my temper). Ethan, can I tell you what I not fair? Only getting one meal a day. Or better yet, being 8 and dying of starvation because you are given NOTHING to eat. There is nothing for days and days and days. And, you come to me with anger and tears because you are embarrassed by your food?

Pause.

Me: Come here, Ethan. (he hesitated, so I had to repeat myself) Come here. Instead of thinking about all the things you don't have. Instead of this attitude of complete ungratefulness, I want you to focus on the fact that God has given you food to eat - every day He has given you food to eat. You need to apologize and ask for forgiveness and Ethan, thank Him.

So, he came into my arms and he prayed. His eyes filled with tears as he listed reasons to be thankful, and he apologized to me and to his Father.

I know in his heart he knew his transgressions. But, I know this won't be the last time we visit this topic. For children that are afforded opportunities and given nearly everything they would ever want, things are never enough. With the holidays behind us, schedules returning to normal and a new year upon us, I think it is time for me to evaluate my parenting plan. I know I need to continue building on where my children place their own self-worth. Comparisons to others is only going to multiply and they need to know where to put their gratitude.

You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling...

I read the following article today:

Take heart, scientists have discovered that people can have a love that lasts a lifetime.

Using brain scans, researchers at Stony Brook University in New York have discovered a small number of couples respond with as much passion after 20 years together as most people only do during the early throes of romance, Britain's Sunday Times newspaper reported.

The researchers scanned the brains of couples together for 20 years and compared them with results from new lovers, the Sunday Times said.

About 10 percent of the mature couples had the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as those just starting out.

Previous research has suggested that the first stages of romantic love fade within 15 months and after 10 years it has gone completely, the newspaper said.

"The findings go against the traditional view of romance -- that it drops off sharply in the first decade -- but we are sure it's real," said Arthur Aron, a psychologist at Stony Brook, told the Sunday Times.
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In my circle of friends and well, into my acquaintances, I think I know two couples that fall into the category of "love of a lifetime." They still hold hands, always speak fondly of each other and talk with giddiness when seeing their spouse after a period of separation.

What I really want to know is what is it that they have that 90% of other couples don't? Have they faced serious tragedy in their lives? Do they live life in the slow lane versus the fast lane? Do they have spiritual lives? Or, have they reached a point where they have forgotten themselves and focus solely on their spouse and his or her needs? Is it all about when they first met - their maturity level, etc? Is there a point of no return - meaning, if you "lost that loving feeling," can you ever get it back?

I am sure there is book out there in the published world that examines such relationships. If so, can someone please tell me what it is? Or, if you are one of the lucky 10%, would you please let me know?

Gray

She is beautiful. She is kind. She is sweet. She is easily influenced. She is a great singer. She can be shy. She can be withdrawn. She has an incredible laugh. And, she wants a mommy.

That is what she told me yesterday in the car. "Gray, honey, what's wrong?" "I just want a Mommy." I had to hold back my own emotions in my response. "Oh, honey, I pray for God to bring you the most perfect mommy for you in the whole world. I know He has one for you and is waiting for just the right moment to bring her to you."

They have experience much turmoil and change since she passed. Three different houses, three different schools, three different inconsistent churches and one parent who is lost. Without going into much detail, for my own emotional well-being and for the privacy of those involved, there has been a chaotic influence in their lives which has exposed them to ideas, images, words, anger, rejection and instability that shouldn't be for a 7 year old. I really can't fathom feeling, as a child, that you have been abandoned.

Lily tripped down the stairs today and she cried for me. She wasn't hurt, but really scared. I rushed to her and held her until she was ready to bee bop back up the stairs to play. My thoughts wandered to Gray. I cried, knowing that she is alone when she trips down the stairs or is scared.

I wonder how terrible that sting is when she sees the other mommies dropping their kids of for school. When it is time for school programs, who is there as a witness? Who teaches her how to dress and behave like a lady? Why must independence be thrust upon her at a time when little girls need to be cuddled, loved, cherished and taught?

It has been a tremendous struggle for me to watch this. My own irateness and helplessness over this nearly drove me to my own demise last year this time. The only way I surmised to recover myself, was to take a giant step back. Although, many times, this decision was made for me as when I was around the truth was obvious.

I know my heart can't wrap itself around the bigger picture at the moment. As I watch this situation continue to spiral downward, my questioning grows. Even though my head knows the scriptural answers to this question, my heart begs for a different answer, an end to all of this madness. Why, God, my loving Father, why are you ordaining this - allowing this, creating this?