Wednesday, August 22, 2007

We have finally gotten around to painting Ethan's new shelving system. Jay designed it to look like trees - it is pretty cool. As I was painting the first brown coat, I notice something Ethan had written on the wood. We had given him permission to write on it BEFORE we painted it. He hadn't really done much, but this brought major tears. I just sat down and cried. It said, "I love mamy" It was so sweet, so endearing, so painful, too. Mamy was Ansley and he misses her so much. It almost seems that he mentions her on a daily basis. It is so sad. It seems his grief is worse now that earlier. I feel the same way, actually.



I finally went to the doctor for these random aches, sore throat, etc. that I have been having over the past several months. Nothing showed up in the blood work - although we are still waiting on thyrhoid. I really didn't expect them to find anything as I suspect it is all results of stress and grief. The best relief is sleep. I slept 12 hours two days ago. I felt great afterwards. Today, I suspect it won't be so good as I only got 7 hours - Lily woke up at 5 for some strange reason. She is moving away from naps (CRAZY!) so I think her whole schedule is off. Not too happy about the nap situation, as Sadie and Ethan still took naps in kindergarten - Sadie still needs them every once in a while. Maybe this is just a phase.



Market is early this year - end of September - October. Still have so much to do to get ready for it. Painting is number one. UGH! I hope next week I can start getting a handle on things.



For the most part, this is a boring blog. So, I will end. Watching Cayden today. He and Lily play so well together. I love hearing their little conversations. However, I won't drop him off until it is time to pick up the kids. We will probably go out for a few errands, just for a break from the house. Definitely too hot to play outside - still in the 90s!

Friday, August 17, 2007

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL YESTERDAY!

Lily: About 10x during the day - Where Buddy and Sadie? Happy, but a little lost. Missed them.

Ethan: Great day. Happy, Content. Loves Mrs. Kellum. First time that he told me a lot of details about his day. Got as many chances as needed on the Buzz game (?), Got to put in two marbles in the good marble jar (one for being still). Got two books from the library. Finished the Star Wars book in 15 minutes in his room after school. Good job, Ethan!

Sadie: LOVED IT! I was so happy to see her when I picked her up. Her favorite part was rest time which absolutely blew me away! She loved it because she got to look at books and Ms. Adkins rubbed her back. Also told me everything - lunch, media (thrilled she got a book), coloring, playing, etc. She gets to go to the treasure chest of Friday and if she gets 5 stickers in a row, she gets to bring in show and tell (her all-time favorite thing to do). SHE WAS BEAMING when I picked her up. It was great! She fell asleep on the living room sofa around 4 - she was just worn out!
OT: Sadie has been asking for several nights now to read her bible, "I want to read about God." Finally some progress in this area!

Mommy: Briefly sad about Sadie, but frankly, relieved that the summer was over. It was long and tough with too many spankings. This is going to be a great year, I can just feel it!

This morning, Jay took the kids (he will be doing more of this year as I don't have to go to the preschool every day). Jay told Sadie that this is the first day he was going to "drop them off". Sadie asked Ethan - Will you walk me into school? Ethan: Do you want me to walk you into school, or walk you to class? Sadie: Walk me to class because I don't know if I remember the way to go. Ethan: Ok, I'll take care of you. PRICELESS!

Friday, August 10 part 2

One more thing. At Mayberry's today, Lily started to pick her nose. I said, no, Lily, don't pick your nose. She looked at me and started tappig her nose as if something was wrong. She shoved her finger up her nose and I realized she might have some large piece of snot up there. So, I got a napkin, held it up to her face, closed the nostril that wasn't bothering her and told her to blow. She did and I saw something come out of her nose. Upon closer inspection, I realized it was a bead!!!! A round pink bead. I have no idea how long it was there or how it got there!!! CRAZY. My kids are crazy. GOTTA LOVE IT!

Friday, August 10,2007

Crushed! I wrote this amazing (in detail and length) blog and then my computer locked up (I was also loading pictures to Snapfish) and I hadn't saved it. UGH! I will never capture most of what I wrote. UGH!



Here are some brief highlights:

Conversation with Lily:

Lily: Mommy, See my picture?

Mommy: Oh, Lily, that is so pretty! Why don't you color a little more?

Lily: No, Mommy. I color big more.

Cute.


Lily - potty training, seems to finally want to do it. Has trouble getting panties pulled down in the back. Enjoys washing hands and flushing. Takes some pride in what she does.


Another conversations with Lily - yesterday *her birthday

I was folding clothes in the laundry room and she came to me with a scared look on her face.

Lily: Mommy, I sick.

Mommy: You are sick?

Lily: Yeah.

Mommy: Does something hurt? Does your tummy hurt?

Lily: No, my mouf (mouth)

At that moment, I saw her make sort of a vomit reflex so I picked her up and raced to the sink.

Then the same thing happened again and I realized she had the hiccups. The first she either had or recognized she had. I started laughing when I realized it and told her it was just the hiccups. She started laughing, too, just because I was laughing.



Yesterday, she turned 3! We just went out to Bruester's for ice cream. She hardly ate any of hers. Her party is Sunday at Chuck E. Cheese. Yes, I broke down and did it, but man, she LOVES Chuck E. Just a small, small party with only two friends and her cousins.



Sadie decided to take her hermit crab to church - unbeknown to us. Jay picked her up and was headed to the lobby when OUT fell the crab and there it rolled away down the hall. She had to have had it in her underwear as she did NOT have pockets. Of course, Jay was furious. I just thought it was typical Sadie. So, we put the hermit crab in the diaper bag, went to lunch and came home. About 2 hours later, it hit me that no one bothered to get the crab out of the car. I raced to the car and he wasn't in the diaper bag anymore! I wouldn't let the kids get in to look because I was afraid they would step on him. I couldn't find him, so I went back in to get a flashlight to look under the dash, under the seats, etc. I finally found him tucked way under my seat. A week later, he is still alive. Pets just don't have much luck in our house.



After one of her baths last week, I was tucking her in and I noticed a little pile of wet hair on her desk. I couldn't believe it, but she had CUT her hair...AGAIN! What is her deal? I asked her why, why, why did she cut her hair. She said she saw something on tv where they couldn't get their clothes clean so they cut them. She knew she couldn't cut her clothes, so she cut her hair. HUH???? Whatever. I still can't figure out what goes on in her head.



Lily got a Smart Cycle for her birthday. It is really cool, virtual type toy. I have spent today setting the timer for each of the kids as they take turns. It works out so well that there is no fighting over it anymore. Even Lily seems to be happy to share it now.



Ethan and I decided to make an album of 10 of his favorite toys. It was great to watch him pick and then get totally distracted as he started to play with each one he got out. He made a couple of Bionicles for the pictures and we even took a pic of his special blanket. He has been pretty serious about his blanket lately. He is scared that I might give it away (a Winnie the Pooh double sided cotton blanket). I think Colby told him that Mamie sold his on ebay and he wasn't ready to give it up. Ethan has prayed a lot to God about Mamie. He has asked God to help him deal with his sadness. Breaks my heart. We went for his 7 year check-up. He was very quiet in the car on the way so I asked him about it. What are you thinking about, I said. Mom, what if the doctor tells me I have cancer? (painful! - He shouldn't even know that word - cancer). I told the nurse and the doctor was very clear and direct in his statements to Ethan that he is the healthiest 7 year old he has ever seen. Way to go, doc! Ethan still can't get the concept that in Star Wars they weapons are called Life Sabers, NOT Lifer Savers!

We got teacher assignments for this year. I am thrilled with both of them. Still can't believe Sadie will be gone this year. I am excited, but very, very anxious for her. We went to meet her teacher on Wednesday. She got a lot more excited after meeting her and asking her questions. She also brought a picture she colored. We go Monday for open house. Now, if I can just get her to wear the cute Peter Pan color shirts. She took one look at it at Educational Outfitters and said, "I DO NOT like that shirt." Oh well. She also doesn't like the long pants that are part of the uniforms declaring: They make me look fat as she tug on the heavy pleating on the front. They are baggy, but I am borderline ticked/concerned that she even thinks about skinny/fat terms.

Cracked the whip on behavior since returning from all our travels. France was great (will blog details later), Myrtle Beach was not. Well, it was ok. I just didn't get the support from Jay's host family and decided to leave a day early because of it. The kids had just had it as well. They were fighting, loud, back talking, hitting. It was miserable. So, home we went and crack went the spatula. There is a marked improvement, but I still want to see more changes. We are really working on interrupting. It is driving me crazy.

Started on some new medication. Haven't great difficulty sleeping though I am thoroughly tired. I am hopeful it will knock the edge off of the emotional junket I have been on. I had really described it well in that previous blog, but I just don't have it in me to write out again. Needless to say, the past three weeks have been completely whacked out. I need some chill time. I did decide that I don't need to involve myself in any activities, either church, kids or bible studies. It is just not the time for me. We will be in small group where I believe we will start working on tackling a book of the bible. It will be good. I still need to work out sports and other activities with the kids. I know Sadie will do gymnastics, do I let them both play soccer? Ethan will do scouts, do I let Sadie do Daisies? And then, there is Ethan's horse back riding. Jay and Ethan were taking golf lessons and I would like that to continue. I have also thought Terry would spend some time with the kids on tennis, but we have been away and it has been entirely too hot (100+ with heat index of 110 - suffocating heat!) I just wish Jay would take a bigger part in helping Ethan in sports. He isn't into them so that doesn't get passed to Ethan. I am sad for him as it becomes such an important issue to teenagers (a defining issue).

Have a great scrapbook weekend ahead of me. However, have a lot to do to get ready and packed. I really want to presort paper and pictures. It went so much better that way. I just don't want to haul anything I don't have to. Friday, I plan on taking all my stuff with Lily in tow. Then I'll pick up the kids from their second day of school. It is our usual place at Wingate Inn with Amy, Beth, Angie, Amanda, and a newbie, Lori Applegate. Should be fun. Gosh, I really have to work on getting my stuff together. Do I even consider taken any of Ansley's stuff? I need to talk to Amy about it.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

I knew things would change when Ansley passed away, but I really didn't think they would change this much. Maybe I knew that it would be vastly different, but I had no idea what direction they would move. How negative her death would be on our family. I cannot go into details on a blog that might be read by others, but I will say that my emotions this past week rival the week Ansley passed away. My life is not good without her and I want her back if only for the way things were - it was a life I knew, a life that was predictable, a life that didn't have such horribly dark moments. I had no idea how perfectly blessed our lives were before Ansley was diagnosed with cancer. It is hard for me to see many blessings these days. I am not where I need to be - which doesn't help the circumstances around me. The rocks are gone, the failures many, the sin so great, the predictable now enromously unpredictable that nothing seems solid, not even God to me at the moment. Enough of that...

Sadie had an ENT appointment on Friday. We may finally have some answers to years of ear pain!!! Her eustatian tubes do not fluctuate the way they should therefore she feels like she is in an airplane a lot. She always talked about the painful popping. They feel it is caused by allergies and she is now on Zyertec and a nasal spray. We will go back in 4 weeks to see if there are any changes. If not, we will take the next step. So, I really feel that when you combine the loss of Ansley, the loss of Skippy, the emotional instability of her mother with this ear pain, I think I can figure out why her behavior is what it is.

On another note...we have started volunteering at PetsMart to take care of the cats that are available for adoption via the SPCA. Basically, I do all the work and Sadie gets to play with the cats. She loves it, but I wish she could watch the cats rather than force herself upon them. Regardless, she loves going and tells every she has a "job." It is a responsibility that she relishes. I just need to get her to help do some of the work, too. In fact, all the kids love to go hang out at PetsMart - an amazing place for free entertainment with all the animals. It has even gotten me more interested in the birds and their treatment. I bought a little house for them and a new bird bath. I hope they will use it.

Ethan finished the year well. All 'Os' on his report card. Well, except for hand writing. He improved a lot this year with his behavior which probably boiled down to maturity. His end of the year award was "Truth Walker" which I think Miss Lawson really wanted to be Walker of Truth but was asked to change it for some reason. I was proud of him as it told me that he is not afraid to speak up or to walk the walk to others. He was really excited about Miss Lawson's wedding and seemed to have a little pride the rest of the day - not sinful, just a little wow that she asked him to be the ring bearer. His behavior seemed much better as well. It was emotional for me this past week as so many things change now - kids separated, Sadie in kindergarten, moves, a major change in routine. Maybe I am more set in my ways than I thought and really fight change!

Lily has begun to show a little attitude! And I don't mean that in a good way. Defiant, but still correctable, though. Wants a "clean diaper" when I go to change her and does not want to potty or wear big girl panties. UGH! When she does go to the potty, she will get candy so I just don't know why she won't consistently go. I did have some success with letting her run around with nothing on but a dress. That may be the trick this week. I just dred this whole mess. I don't want to make the time to do this. The real problem is that she MUST be trained by the time school starts or she cannot go to the 3 year old class! Maybe the beach trip will be helpful because Jay will be there to help.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Only two days and I have an official Kindergartener. Wow - can't believe that my daily life with Sadie will be over this summer. Sad, but ready. Actually, I am a lot sadder than I thought because it is definitely an end of an era with Sadie and Gray and preschool. The numerous trips to Chik-fila, the trips to the park. Who will I do that with now with Lily? Who will I hang out with as mom will not be in our area as Gray will go to Hasty. Where will I be? It will be such a change. I am sure I will bawl at the graduation on Wednesday. There is so many battles that have gone between us and I am sure so many more, but it does seem that life will be much simpler in the future when she is in school full-time. I have absolutely nothing to back that up with and in fact, really it is contrary to what has happened with Sadie lately.



Two weeks ago, Sadie learned how to ride a bike. ALL BY HERSELF. She came running into the house shouting, "I just rode Ethan's bike!" I really didn't think it possible, but I went outside anyway. So, there she goes, gets a pedal up at the top and takes off. I was scared to death, but she did great. So, this past weekend, Jay took her to get a new bike at Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, it was a 20" - a tad too big, so we went back and got an 18". I have watched her on the playground and it is like a monkey scaling every surface, turning flips at every turn. I am glad she is interested in going back to gymnastics as I know she has a gift in that area - let's just hope they can keep her busy.



On another note, I was distressed to hear Sadie's teacher recommend that Sadie get some outside counseling for her lack of self-control and her impulsiveness. I knew the last two months have been really tough for her, but really chalked it up to the loss of Ansley, my lack of attention and the loss of Skippy, her beloved and constant compaion cat. I still believe that it is at the core of the issues, but nevertheless it was a painful moment to wrestle with. We are still trying to work out the details of counseling with her. We found a great person, but it is not covered by our insurance - not in network. I plan on calling tomorrow to see what options we might have. I have discrovered over the past several weeks that Sadie simply needs MORE of me than I almost have. She needs constant reassurance, constant love and constant approval. I have never realized her needs at this level before. I do find that life is not necessarily easier - because I am spending just as much time dealing with her, just in a different way.

I ended this post early.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

So, Sadie amazes me. Just simply amazes me with her analytical ability. She figured out how to ride a bike (Ethan's big bike, too) all by herself. She understood that she needed to have a pedal up at the top to start off and she figured out how to slow down and hop off. She ran in all excited that she rode Ethan's bike as I was not outside. I went outside with the camera and got it all on film (digitally speaking that is).

Last night, Jay let her play some computer game on his phone (I'll get the name of it later). In a very short time, he saw that she had a strategy and actually beat his high score. He told me that he was just astounded by her analytical ability.

On a cuter side - her favorite word is jib-let. Not giblet like a turkey, but jiblet. She uses it to define things that are small. Mommy, are we a little closer to the beach - like just a tiny little jiblet closer? She also said, are we just a raindrop closer? It is interesting to see how they perceive sizes or things. Cute.

Ethan nearly broke his thumb and garnered some good road rash in a bike spill in the driveway. However, he has done well this day after and is mending quickly. He is not very confident on his bike - well, that isn't true, he just panics easily. Wonder where he gets that from - HA HA!

Just got the results of my breast MRI. Thank God it was totally negative. What a relief! I didn't allow myself to get too stressed, but as the time for the cruise drew nearer, I knew I wanted to know before I left. They just called. I thought I wouldn't get another one for 5 years, but they said every other year in addition to yearly mammograms. Evidently, the sister relationship and cancer under 50 put me in the highest risk category. Nothing I can do about that one.

Missed Ansley alot this week. Not too weepy, just missing her. I needed her to find a dress for the cruise and she had such honest (sometimes brutally honest - hee hee) opinions that made shopping so easy. She could be honest, she had great style (except for the cloud shirt and some other mis-purchases) and had the availability to me. No one else really fits that spot. I know it is not such a significant thing - clothes shopping. But we did a lot of that together and had fun doing it.