Saturday, June 2, 2007

I knew things would change when Ansley passed away, but I really didn't think they would change this much. Maybe I knew that it would be vastly different, but I had no idea what direction they would move. How negative her death would be on our family. I cannot go into details on a blog that might be read by others, but I will say that my emotions this past week rival the week Ansley passed away. My life is not good without her and I want her back if only for the way things were - it was a life I knew, a life that was predictable, a life that didn't have such horribly dark moments. I had no idea how perfectly blessed our lives were before Ansley was diagnosed with cancer. It is hard for me to see many blessings these days. I am not where I need to be - which doesn't help the circumstances around me. The rocks are gone, the failures many, the sin so great, the predictable now enromously unpredictable that nothing seems solid, not even God to me at the moment. Enough of that...

Sadie had an ENT appointment on Friday. We may finally have some answers to years of ear pain!!! Her eustatian tubes do not fluctuate the way they should therefore she feels like she is in an airplane a lot. She always talked about the painful popping. They feel it is caused by allergies and she is now on Zyertec and a nasal spray. We will go back in 4 weeks to see if there are any changes. If not, we will take the next step. So, I really feel that when you combine the loss of Ansley, the loss of Skippy, the emotional instability of her mother with this ear pain, I think I can figure out why her behavior is what it is.

On another note...we have started volunteering at PetsMart to take care of the cats that are available for adoption via the SPCA. Basically, I do all the work and Sadie gets to play with the cats. She loves it, but I wish she could watch the cats rather than force herself upon them. Regardless, she loves going and tells every she has a "job." It is a responsibility that she relishes. I just need to get her to help do some of the work, too. In fact, all the kids love to go hang out at PetsMart - an amazing place for free entertainment with all the animals. It has even gotten me more interested in the birds and their treatment. I bought a little house for them and a new bird bath. I hope they will use it.

Ethan finished the year well. All 'Os' on his report card. Well, except for hand writing. He improved a lot this year with his behavior which probably boiled down to maturity. His end of the year award was "Truth Walker" which I think Miss Lawson really wanted to be Walker of Truth but was asked to change it for some reason. I was proud of him as it told me that he is not afraid to speak up or to walk the walk to others. He was really excited about Miss Lawson's wedding and seemed to have a little pride the rest of the day - not sinful, just a little wow that she asked him to be the ring bearer. His behavior seemed much better as well. It was emotional for me this past week as so many things change now - kids separated, Sadie in kindergarten, moves, a major change in routine. Maybe I am more set in my ways than I thought and really fight change!

Lily has begun to show a little attitude! And I don't mean that in a good way. Defiant, but still correctable, though. Wants a "clean diaper" when I go to change her and does not want to potty or wear big girl panties. UGH! When she does go to the potty, she will get candy so I just don't know why she won't consistently go. I did have some success with letting her run around with nothing on but a dress. That may be the trick this week. I just dred this whole mess. I don't want to make the time to do this. The real problem is that she MUST be trained by the time school starts or she cannot go to the 3 year old class! Maybe the beach trip will be helpful because Jay will be there to help.