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I am plowing through a bible study called, "Lord, Change My Attitude."

I know. Why, would I want to do that? Because I need some serious attitude adjusting. It is a great, great study thus far and I am sure it will provide great fodder for future posts.

In light of this study, I even hesitate to write this light-hearted and trivial post. But my attitude toward a certain thing has just approached epic proportions. I have tried to laugh "it" off. I have tried in vain to ignore "it." I have begged others to take care of "it." For the life of me, I cannot begin to understand mindset of those that employ "it." What, you ask, has me all in a twitter?

SPAM! And, I don't mean the famous canned luncheon meat. I must get at least 50 a day.

Seriously, who in their right mind buys Rolex, Patek Philippe, Frank Mueller watches or replicas from some random person promoting the sale in a random email. Along those lines, I don't want real enlargement, spectacular jeweled timepieces or Viagra at $3 a pill. Jerry Myrick, I don't really care if I am the little guy. And, I don't need the real solution to massive gains, scrumptious products of style or girls that will hunt me down in the streets. Jody Goodman, you can give up on getting a response as required by your subject line.

My more than technically proficient husband has promised me that soon we will move to the new server and gone will be these little annoyances. So, there is a solution, I think, in sight.

My bible study has a great definition of complaining - Complaining means to express dissatisfaction with a circumstance which is not wrong and about which I am doing nothing myself to correct. I will allow that 99% of my complaining is sinful under this definition. Further more, this study states (with biblical support) that God hates our complaining and judges our complaining (ouch!).

Using that definition to analyze my current tirade I find that spam is 1) a circumstance that is wrong and 2) a circumstance I cannot correct or risk jeopardizing the IT plans at RaRa.

Could I venture to guess that even Jesus would be a little fed up with Spam?

Enlarge me

I really shouldn't be on here given the magnitude of my "t0-do" list today. However, I was so moved by my Streams in the Desert today that I felt led to post the scripture here:

Thou hast enlarged me when I was in distress Psalm 4:1

The visual of this BLOWS me away.

The line I like best in the commentary is this:

It is not a man's thanksgiving that he has been set free from suffering. It is a thanksgiving that he has been set free THROUGH suffering. He declares the sorrows of life to have been themselves the source of life's enlargement.

I am sure I will expound on this later, but for now, may it give you food for your day.

Friday, September 5

Waiting on the cable man, I am. A good time to catch up on blogging, I think. There is a much better vibe going on in my heart at the moment than the start of the previous school year. Other than her funeral and the first few weeks following, it was probably the most difficult period of grief for me. I was certain I blogged about it and went to review it (August 2007), but when reading it realized that it was one of those posts that was somehow deleted in its infancy and never recovered. Recollecting, however, that school year was a new beginning and there I was starting something, significant, without her, for literally, the first time in my life.

We had always made plans about when the girls would start kindergarten. How great it would be to be together, to have some freedom with our days - only little Lily to contend with. Now those plans were gone, never realized, lost. I felt very alone and isolated. In contrast, this new school year seems to just be that, a new school year. She has been gone from the school arena for almost 2 years -wow, to type 2 years. Life continues on...never a doubt about that one!

Ethan started soccer practice Monday. We walked up to the board to find which field his team would practice on. He spoke short, little sentences and he questioned my knowledge of where we were going and what we were doing. I could see his nervous, slightly tense look start growing in his eyes. It made me inwardly nervous for him. All in all, it was a great practice and I was delightfully surprised how well he did in the several laps of running they were asked to do. He only knew one boy on his team from Upward basketball. I told him it was a fantastic way to get to know some other boys. He is stretching his wings a bit and he spurns my public displays of affection. In fact, he is starting to ask questions about my behavior or plans thereof. Mommy is just not as cool anymore. Unfortunately, this might be remedied by more time with his dad. However, the business is so incredibly consuming. Thankfully, scouts is starting back up and Jay is able to clear some weekend time now.

Sadie starts practice this Monday. I am sure there will be much to blog, like several years ago when Sadie spent much of her practice carrying her pocketbook around (yes, while practicing). Actually, it was my fake green Prada bag. She does have taste, afterall. Sadie will also start American Heritage Girls (previously Girls Scouts) in October. I am supposed to help lead, and I want to. However, I have my doubts that Sadie will be able to handle my leadership in that type of settings. She has had two very, very fantastic days at school. In fact, I was told it was her best day ever. (insert "best day ever" by SpongeBob). Given that she has same teacher from last year (not just counting the first 2 weeks of this school year - which would be a pitiful reason to be excited), I am pleased. It did make me stop and think, "Hmmmm, really. So, just how bad have all the other days been?" I always thought there might have been one incident or something a day. It never dawned on me that maybe the bar for Sadie might have been so low that even if she had little grumblings all day, it was still considered a "good day." I should just be pleased with the progress and move on.

For her reward (actually it was already planned), we headed to the HP Library and then Krispy Kreme. We had such a pleasant time. That word describes it perfectly - pleasant. In fact, the kids were very sweet, agreeable...just lovely. There, another one of those words - lovely. As we were getting ready to leave KK, an older lady walked by me and said, "You are such a good mom. You handle them real well." I just about spat out the last of my water and crueller. I responded, "Oh, are you talking to me? Thank you." and then was completely speechless. What I was really thinking was, "Ha! Are you kidding me? Lady, if you only knew the reality of my mothering." But, let me tell you, it was such an encouragement to me to persevere that I have vowed to make similar compliments to other moms. We should all make a point to do that.

Lily, aka Little Lil', Lily Loo, Lulu Beans, Stinky Pete, Miss Poopy Pants, began gymnastics Tuesday. I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while. She was absolutely the most enthusiastic and energetic student, but she is definitely lacking in the ability department. However, you would never mention this given her belief that she is...a star. Coupled with the fact that she was completely oblivious that her leotard continued to ride up into her chunky of a heiny, not unlike a thong, made for lots of giggles and comments from the mom section. The differences between Lily and Sadie are innumerous. But one that was so completely clear that morning was that Sadie never had to be taught how to do the circuits. She just did them, nearly flawlessly, at age 4. I never saw much improvement because honestly, she was already very good. However, with Lily we have only one way to go...Up. She belly-flopped when she was supposed to be doing donkey kicks. She logged rolled instead of front rolled. She actually broke out in a sweat. And, she kept trying to slink (in the truest sense of the word) her way to the front of the line because as she finally told the teacher, "I want to be the line leader." I am really looking forward to seeing her progress!

Lily also started 5-day a week, 4 year old preschool. She darted in her class without even looking back. I had to track her down to get my much needed kiss and hug. She had been begging to go every morning since Ethan and Sadie began school. She tackled her "summer work" with such exuberance and ardor. Therefore, I was not surprised that she left me standing in the dust of the doorway. But, I miss my constant companion of the past 4 years. The year is going to fly by. I just know it. Kindergarten will come and she will be permanently gone from me...solidified and irreversible. I am not ready to be "rid" of my children. Despite the intense irritation, frustration and utter defeat, is the ten fold feeling of loving them and having them under my constant wing and shadow. This is one time when I would like to scream to Father Time...slow down...it's going way to fast to comprehend, to etch permanently, to even enjoy!

I am typing on the laptop on my bed. Laying beside me is my littlest one. She fell asleep quite suddenly against my arm. I gently laid her back on a pillow. Her glasses smudged with little fingerprints. Black oreo crumbs dried around her mouth. Rhythmic, heavy breathing. Her hand draped gently around my arm. The hair around her forehead slightly moist from the warmth of a good nap. I know there is no good in me that deserves such heaven. Thank you God for sending them to me despite this.

without a title

I sit. I type. Distracted by movement outside the window, I look. I am mesmerized, then filled with warmth and love. The three of you, cousins, having a blast on the last weekend of summer. Riding bikes in bathing suits, splashing in the pool, playing with the neighbor's dogs, creating a little house out of beach towels and folding chairs, chasing frogs and crickets. Watching you run back and forth across the yard unabashedly, full of exuberance.

To see the smiles and to hear the laughter makes me think of you. The innumerable memories I have of us playing in the backyard, fishing in the creek, playing kick the can, catching fireflies, playing in the mud, feet filthy from fresh, wet dirt, sweaty from the thick and sticky summer air.

I praise God that my girls have a cousin close in age whom they call a sister. I pray to God that they may know the closeness of sisters, the joy of being best friends, the confidence of always having someone at their side, supporting them. Please, God, let that be your will.

I wish you were here to see how they have grown to love each other, how their relationship mimics our own - not close to perfect, but never wavering in importance. I wish you were here to laugh at their comments, their jokes, their performances. I wish they could recall without a doubt of your unconditional love for them rather than relying on my verbal reminders. I wish...

In the Great State of Hannah Montanna

Right after dinner, I turned the tv on to find out what was going on with our weather. Still raining buckets. The tv was on CNN and the Democratic Convention. The convention was in the middle of doing the roll call of states. This process seems to be much longer every convention as each state brags about its attributes. It was Montana's turn. Sadie asked me what I was watching. I prefaced my answer by saying, "It is very complicated, but I am going to explain it once. You will not be allowed questions and you may not ask me to repeat myself." I know I sound terrible, but if you knew my children, you would call me smart. We have spent HOURS talking about the new bridge they are replacing on a road we frequent - repeating the same conversation, the same questions, the same comments.

I start the process of explaining things and Jay interrupts me to tell me that I am making it way too complicated and shouldn't even try for a 6 and 8 year old. I think, "Whatever." I should raise the bar high, right? I made it to my example at hand, Montana, and Lily (4) announced, "No, Mommy, it is Hannah Montana."

Maybe I should give that one to Jay.

You say tornado, I say...

I heard vague remarks about tornadic activity in the area today. However, I was a little surprised when the kids told me they were in tornado drill mode for over and hour today. The details were a little sketchy, but I think they were in the halls, hanging out, not doing much during lunch/recess time. What a nightmare for teachers. Anyway, the kids were talking about tornado this, tornado that. Lily piped up and said, "I don't see any tomatoes. There aren't any tomatoes." Ethan tried very hard to clearly say, no, Lily, it is tornado. She just didn't get it.

A couple of tornadoes were in the area, very light on damage, no one injured. We have gotten a ton of rain. It has been since I have seen this much rain. I have forgotten what it is like to get wet! We lost power for a few hours as well. Thank God for generators! Hopefully, this will alleviate some of the drought conditions we have been experiencing for what seems like years.

The Oil Press

When working through some of my thoughts and emotions mentioned in my previous blog, God led me to the passage of Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. It is so incredibly appropriate that I felt it necessary to comment on it.

Matthew 26:36-44
Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and began to be grieved and distressed. Then He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with Me." And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as Thou wilt." And He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, "So, you men could not keep watch with Me for one hour? "Keep watching and praying, that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." He went away again a second time and prayed, saying, "My Father, if this cannot pass away unless I drink it, Thy will be done." And again He came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were heavy. And He left them again, and went away and prayed a third time, saying the same thing once more....

I did not know that Gethsemane aptly means "Oil Press." Of course, knowing you might have breast cancer is really not comparable to knowing for sure you are going to be crucified, but I still wanted to examine what was Jesus feeling, what was his attitude?

He was grieved.
He was distressed.
It was not his will, not his choice - he wished another.
A little aggravated at his friends, perhaps?
Finally, clearly he was spiritually willing to take on God's will for him, but his body (flesh) maybe wasn't so willing.

Looking at my reaction to my procedures, I can say:

I was grieved.
I was distressed.
I wished the result to be benign.
I was aggravated that I had to wait until Monday for results.
If this was my lot, I was, of course, willing to accept it, faithfully knowing God would have a purpose in it and would grow me through it. But, when I thought about the physical parts of what I might endure, I wasn't so willing.

Hmpf. Maybe I wasn't so off the mark after all. Thanks for the revelation, God.