Friday, September 5

Waiting on the cable man, I am. A good time to catch up on blogging, I think. There is a much better vibe going on in my heart at the moment than the start of the previous school year. Other than her funeral and the first few weeks following, it was probably the most difficult period of grief for me. I was certain I blogged about it and went to review it (August 2007), but when reading it realized that it was one of those posts that was somehow deleted in its infancy and never recovered. Recollecting, however, that school year was a new beginning and there I was starting something, significant, without her, for literally, the first time in my life.

We had always made plans about when the girls would start kindergarten. How great it would be to be together, to have some freedom with our days - only little Lily to contend with. Now those plans were gone, never realized, lost. I felt very alone and isolated. In contrast, this new school year seems to just be that, a new school year. She has been gone from the school arena for almost 2 years -wow, to type 2 years. Life continues on...never a doubt about that one!

Ethan started soccer practice Monday. We walked up to the board to find which field his team would practice on. He spoke short, little sentences and he questioned my knowledge of where we were going and what we were doing. I could see his nervous, slightly tense look start growing in his eyes. It made me inwardly nervous for him. All in all, it was a great practice and I was delightfully surprised how well he did in the several laps of running they were asked to do. He only knew one boy on his team from Upward basketball. I told him it was a fantastic way to get to know some other boys. He is stretching his wings a bit and he spurns my public displays of affection. In fact, he is starting to ask questions about my behavior or plans thereof. Mommy is just not as cool anymore. Unfortunately, this might be remedied by more time with his dad. However, the business is so incredibly consuming. Thankfully, scouts is starting back up and Jay is able to clear some weekend time now.

Sadie starts practice this Monday. I am sure there will be much to blog, like several years ago when Sadie spent much of her practice carrying her pocketbook around (yes, while practicing). Actually, it was my fake green Prada bag. She does have taste, afterall. Sadie will also start American Heritage Girls (previously Girls Scouts) in October. I am supposed to help lead, and I want to. However, I have my doubts that Sadie will be able to handle my leadership in that type of settings. She has had two very, very fantastic days at school. In fact, I was told it was her best day ever. (insert "best day ever" by SpongeBob). Given that she has same teacher from last year (not just counting the first 2 weeks of this school year - which would be a pitiful reason to be excited), I am pleased. It did make me stop and think, "Hmmmm, really. So, just how bad have all the other days been?" I always thought there might have been one incident or something a day. It never dawned on me that maybe the bar for Sadie might have been so low that even if she had little grumblings all day, it was still considered a "good day." I should just be pleased with the progress and move on.

For her reward (actually it was already planned), we headed to the HP Library and then Krispy Kreme. We had such a pleasant time. That word describes it perfectly - pleasant. In fact, the kids were very sweet, agreeable...just lovely. There, another one of those words - lovely. As we were getting ready to leave KK, an older lady walked by me and said, "You are such a good mom. You handle them real well." I just about spat out the last of my water and crueller. I responded, "Oh, are you talking to me? Thank you." and then was completely speechless. What I was really thinking was, "Ha! Are you kidding me? Lady, if you only knew the reality of my mothering." But, let me tell you, it was such an encouragement to me to persevere that I have vowed to make similar compliments to other moms. We should all make a point to do that.

Lily, aka Little Lil', Lily Loo, Lulu Beans, Stinky Pete, Miss Poopy Pants, began gymnastics Tuesday. I haven't laughed that hard in quite a while. She was absolutely the most enthusiastic and energetic student, but she is definitely lacking in the ability department. However, you would never mention this given her belief that she is...a star. Coupled with the fact that she was completely oblivious that her leotard continued to ride up into her chunky of a heiny, not unlike a thong, made for lots of giggles and comments from the mom section. The differences between Lily and Sadie are innumerous. But one that was so completely clear that morning was that Sadie never had to be taught how to do the circuits. She just did them, nearly flawlessly, at age 4. I never saw much improvement because honestly, she was already very good. However, with Lily we have only one way to go...Up. She belly-flopped when she was supposed to be doing donkey kicks. She logged rolled instead of front rolled. She actually broke out in a sweat. And, she kept trying to slink (in the truest sense of the word) her way to the front of the line because as she finally told the teacher, "I want to be the line leader." I am really looking forward to seeing her progress!

Lily also started 5-day a week, 4 year old preschool. She darted in her class without even looking back. I had to track her down to get my much needed kiss and hug. She had been begging to go every morning since Ethan and Sadie began school. She tackled her "summer work" with such exuberance and ardor. Therefore, I was not surprised that she left me standing in the dust of the doorway. But, I miss my constant companion of the past 4 years. The year is going to fly by. I just know it. Kindergarten will come and she will be permanently gone from me...solidified and irreversible. I am not ready to be "rid" of my children. Despite the intense irritation, frustration and utter defeat, is the ten fold feeling of loving them and having them under my constant wing and shadow. This is one time when I would like to scream to Father Time...slow down...it's going way to fast to comprehend, to etch permanently, to even enjoy!

I am typing on the laptop on my bed. Laying beside me is my littlest one. She fell asleep quite suddenly against my arm. I gently laid her back on a pillow. Her glasses smudged with little fingerprints. Black oreo crumbs dried around her mouth. Rhythmic, heavy breathing. Her hand draped gently around my arm. The hair around her forehead slightly moist from the warmth of a good nap. I know there is no good in me that deserves such heaven. Thank you God for sending them to me despite this.