January 2, 2008

WOW - Does God speak when you beg Him, or what? Of course, I didn't get the precise answer I was looking for, HOWEVER, it does go along with letting go of control and letting God REIGN IN AND OVER ME!

January 1, 2008

A blender of pain and sadness, yet a dash of excitement of unknowns and possibilities. That is how I feel on this first day of a new year. I mean, for the first time in 7 years or so, I feel like I can actually redefine my goals, my plans, my fulfillment of who I am. The first 3-4 years were driven by babies, careers, building a house, moving. The last 3-4 years were driven by cancer and grief. So, now here I sit...UNGOALED! Is that even a word? Deep down, it is scary to not know 1) where you are going, but even more 2) not to have a direction to even start! I don't know what to do! Sure, I have children to attend to, but each passing day I see more and more independence. I know that Jay wants me to be his secretary and assistant (omg) when the business starts in May, but that want be my place for long. The business will take off (I feel complete confidence in this) and he won't need me. Additionally, this is clearly his dream. It is not mine. Although I don't know what my dreams are anymore. When did that happen? Who am I and what do I really want to do? What brings me happiness? What brings me joy? Of course the answer is God, but I mean is how does this translate to me...every day... in this world...in this place? What is it that I want to do OR more poignantly, what is it that God wants of me NOW?

Kids are good. Christmas vacation has been a total blast. Seriously, it has to have been one of the best. The kids are getting better, Jay has been into them and we have had some serious family time. I know the kids are getting the best end of Jay being home. Got all the Christmas loot assimilated into the rooms yesterday. Sadly, Sadie is over baby dolls. Actually, she was never really into them. She always loved stuffed animals and craft supplies. A ridiculous ocd goal alert coming up...I am going to spend an hour or so tomorrow putting doll clothes on all the babies as they are ALL naked. I hope that means that Lily will start to play with them a little more as she seems less inclined to take the clothes off. And, I hope it will cut down on the bin of babies and clothing. We put the play kitchen in Lily's room with food/dish gear. She seems totally obsessed with that Fisher Price pixter at the moment - like a hand held game thing. She wants it ALL the time. Ethan still loves all the lego and computer games. Jay installed his computer in his room and the girls got theirs in the bonus room. Hope that means they stay off of mine! Both are ready to register their second and third webkinz respectively.

Trying to get back into the swing of scrapbooking. I think that 2007 will be super easy with exception of the France trip. There just were many pics taken as in previous years. Whew! Still, looking for ways to get current and focusing on some different projects so I don't stay so stressed about being so far behind. I have no excuses, really. The room is ready and i have more than enough supplies. It just isn't as fun doing it alone.

Sadie has her first school playdate tomorrow - a little girl named Gracie. I think it will be a little hard because Sadie is so independent and plays with out needing me most of the time. Still don't have anyone for Ethan...he had a sleep over last night so I don't feel so guilty about it.

Oh, Ethan made his own "hero" online via a tv show. He had already done it and asked me to come see it. He typed in his hero's name...Mamy. So sweet. I asked why and he said because she told people about Jesus. I shed a tear. We had a long and exhausting cry on Christmas Eve about Ans. My birthday was hard. There is still such a void. Nothing really fills it. It is still very lonely. I miss her.... alot.

BUT - here is to a year of COMPLETE unknowns!!! It has to be better!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

So, there are times in my life where my love for my kids seems to be overflowing. I know, I know, it is always there, but sometimes because of circumstances, stress, etc. I don't recognize it as clearly. Here are a couple of examples of why:



Setting: Sadie, home from school not feeling well. In the basement watching a movie so that Jay could work on cabinets. Wearing headset so the saw noise wouldn't hurt her ears.



Sadie: I'm bored (saying to noone apparent)

A few minutes go by

Jay: Sadie, are you ok? Are you bored? Do you want a different movie?

Sadie: No, I'm ok.

A few more minutes go by

Sadie: in a soft little voice. Are you there? I love you God.



MELT MY HEART!!! She is starting to show signs of real progress in her heart. She wants to do well, to make good choices, to feel that sense of right and wrong. I LOVE IT!

We went to the Dollar Store this week so that the kids could use their allowance to purchase gifts for family members (they each spent about $20 EACH of their own money). Sadie LOVED doing it. She didn't want me to walk with her - instead picked out everything herself Except for one item, she did really well. As soon as she got home she got to wrapping. I remember that being a very tasking job when I was that young, but she has such manual dexterity that it is a snap. In fact, she wants to spend tonight helping me wrap gifts.

Saturday we went to the Nutcracker at HPU with Grammy and Graylyn. It was Grammy's treat and it is such a great tradition for the girls. Next year, we will take Lily for the first time. Sadie put on her fancy Christmas dress and then it came time for the tights. I had to insist she wear them as it was very cold - 40 degrees or so. However, she really struggled with getting them on and how they felt. I remember when things didn't feel right - how I like tight shoes and belts when I was little. I did much better after I was able to have a little fit to myself - a little screaming, etc. It just didn't feel right and I had to get it out! So, I let Sadie have a litle struggle - getting out how she felt and then she was much better. In fact, when given the option of taking them off as soon as we got home, she chose to keep them on! She has had a couple of great weeks at school and seems to be very much in love with her teachers. She is academically soaring. Basketball starts in January and I know that she will just be great at it - she is a natural athlete.



Conversation#2: Setting: Sadie, Lily and Mommy in Lily's room playing with the doctor set. Mommy is laying on the floor as the patient. Sadie is working on my hair and Lily is checking me out with all the tools. Lily refers to me as Mommy.

Sadie: Lily, Mommy is the patient, call her patient.

Lily: Mommy, be patient.



So cute! Lily has been testing a bit more lately, but I know that it is because she is really tired. She has not had her usual naps as we have been quite busy. This is evident as she fell asleep on the ottoman in the kitchen around 4:30 yesterday with the lights on and the tv on and everyone buzzing around her. She is really focused on getting a bath every night. Just loves playing in there, especially with me in there, too. She likes making patterns of blocks and legos. Very interesting because she seems to have a very organized manner of thinking. She read the letters to WELCOME on Miss Adkins door yesterday which really floored Miss Adkins. It made me proud - in a sinful way. :) I am trying to get her a little more independent - dressing on her own, asking her to help clean-up, etc. She just seems to be physically less capable than Sadie and Ethan at this age, but Sadie was so advanced, that I know it is not a fair comparison. We saw Santa Claus at the mall yesterday. She may get it now. We don't make a big deal about Santa Claus, but a little trip doesn't hurt. She ask for two fishes (what??!?!?) and after prodding fro Sadie asked for a Dora Kitchen. I know for a fact, she is not getting either. So, we'll see what happens on Christmas morning. Actually, now that I think about it. I don't think the kids are getting anything or very little of what they asked for as it was mainly contrived from the junk they saw advertised on tv. Mommy and Daddy know best.



Ethan has been my little encourager this month. He tells me all the time how much he appreciates me. He also said that he was trying very hard not to think about the presents, but it was really hard. DId you have a hard time with that, Mom? he asks. Very sweet. His school work is excellent and I am pleased with all of his progress.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Oh my heart breaks for Sadie. She can be such a mean-spirited girl because she cannot get her emotions under control. I am so afraid that she will have to learn the hard way and that other won't be her friend because of her choice of words. She got jealous that another girl in her class lost a tooth and actually pulled the tooth herself. So, Sadie said to her, "I don't care and your breath stinks!" Sigh. I made her write an apology note. She seems genuinely concerned and has made an effort to try harder the past two days. I just don't know how you teach these character issues. Aren't some of these just innate?

Friday, November 2, 2007

Seriously can not believe it has been two months since my last blog. So many things to write about!

My emotional state: very, very good. Am I really writing that? Things really changed for me on Ansley's birthday. We did a scrapbook event to raise money for breast cancer on her birthday. The mere details of how that all worked and how it landed on Ansley's birthday was nothing short of a God thing. Colby and Gray came to work on their books. Gray left early, but Colby decided to make a day of it. It felt so awesome to have this time with him. He has Ansley's gift of design and made pages that were better than some adults! He loved it, I loved it, I loved him being there. It was just like having a bit of Ansley there. It was priceless for me and gave me a hope that I haven't felt since her death. I haven't cried this week - no, I take that back. I did cry early on Monday. Anyway, the writing of the above has made me quite emotional.

Still very worried about Graylyn. She is not herself. Very sad in my opinion. Doesn't know how to just be herself, but seems to try to act how she thinks would make people like her. She needs her dad, but he is not available. I can't write the details of that situation as it is now a personal promise not to get involved or in the know of that situation. The more I dwell, the more involved I become, the more angry and upset I become. So, I don't go there.

Lily has started singing. Since she still has many speech impediments, it often cracks me up. Instead of saying Lord, she says Wo-rd. very cute. She has gotten quite bossy and sassy. She will fold her hands and stomp her feet. She throws herself down for attention. So much of it is drama and for affect. She has started fighting me about the potty. She poops almost all the time in her panties which just makes me boil. She does pretty good when we are out, but by the end of the day she just gives up and just pees everywhere. It really makes me angry. I don't know what to do about it as we take things away, spank, time-out, etc. Nothing seems to work. It is very frustrating. She is doing well at school. But, by far music is her favorite. She asks everyday if she gets to go to music. One day I showed up to help with lunch and she told me point blank to "leave, Mommy, Go away." On the other hand, she had a complete meltdown the other night when Jay and I had to go to a funeral and Grammy was here when she woke-up from a nap. She totally freaked and was like that for about an hour. Mom ended up calling me. she said that Lily looked up at her with those big tears and it reminded her and looked just like me at that age. Lily got her first inch cut off her hair. I forgot picture day and she wore a track suit. Ugh. Can say the most grown-up things, yet, still such a little girl. Uh-oh, I just heard Jay going after Lily. She can be such a tantrum thrower! I can't wait for her to get past this stage, or rather US get her past this stage.

Sadie is doing better and better with school and behavior. Her teacher said she is so very smart, but we have to continue to work on impulsive behavior, etc. Miss Adkins said that she loves having Sadie in her class - I think she brings a lot of funny antics and laughter. In our conference with Miss Adkins, Jay felt that he was now his parents in a conference about himself. Sadie is so much like him. She has a very grown-up side to herself and a very responsible side which is a so contrary to the impulsive and out of control Sadie. She still gravitates to older friends. I think she doesn't feel competition with them. We are working on getting her to recognize when she feels out of control - when her environment is too much to handle, when she is tired, etc. If she can verbalize this feeling, then we can get her to a quiet place, a place to get herself refueled. We accomplished this twice during the BBQ festival. I was thrilled. It was sensory overload for her and she did quite well. One time I had to put her in timeout and when I told her she could come out, she decided she still needed some time to herself. She wasn't mopey about it - she just knew she needed some more downtime. I know now how to recognize that behavior and what to do - get her to herself. The book, Raising a Spirited Child, has been so helpful and insightful. Sadie is a natural born leader and thinker. She is destined for amazing things. I can't wait to see God work in her and she how she becomes His princess.

A cute comment she made to Karen while being brought home:

Karen: So, Sadie what time is your bedtime?

Sadie: In about 2 minutes.

Karen (looking at car clock which says 7:10 pm). When?

Sadie: In about 2 minutes, but sometimes 5

Karen said she kept cracking up over that little conversation. Cracks me up - I mean HOW many times have I said, "We are going up to bed in about 2 minutes."

Ethan had the best report card EVER. I don't know what happened over the summer, but his attention span and his ability to stay focused seemed to have just arrived. I let him have four friends over. They are a great group of little boys. However, Ethan just seems to have such high expectations of his friends sometimes. He expects them to do everything he wants to do and of course that is not always the case. He also got a little snippy with me over some decisions I made about what they could and couldn't do. I wanted to send everyone home at one point as Ethan began to let his emotions get the best of him (the usual tears and then the subsequent embarrassment over the tears).

So much more to write, but time is short these days.

Wednesday, September, 5, 2007

Here is the email I sent today to the kids' teachers:

Just wanted to fill you in on what is going on in our house over the next month. The bad news is that we sprung a major leak from our dishwasher over Labor Day. The insurance claims people came out today and basically, we will have to move out of our house for two weeks starting Monday. We have hardwood flooring on our entire first floor and what doesn't have to be replaced has to be sanded and refinished. The company hired by the insurance company to do the repairs does everything - move the furniture, tape everything down, clean the house, replace and paint the shoe molding, etc. We even get hotel rooms and some food paid for. (I am trying to look on the bright side of a big mess).

Our plan right now is to try to make it in our basement at least for part of the time. We cannot find hotel rooms as everything convenient is already booked with market people. My brother and family are at my mom's (they are missionaries in Asia) for a few more weeks. But, thankfully, my dad has given us the green light to bunk at his house if needed. We were planning on staying in our basement during furniture market anyway so this just pushes us up a few weeks (we still had some unfinished projects, but nothing major). We will get back into the main part of the house for a week and then head back down to the basement for market. We sound like moles!

So, why am I telling you all of this? Because life is beginning to get quite stressful and a little hairy. When that happens, I tend to forget things I normally wouldn't (at least that was my experience last year). Additionally, sleep patterns may be a little off for the kids, lunches may be bizarre and books left at home. Sadie tends not to do as well when schedules are disrupted. It is nothing drastic, but change takes a while for her. I hope that doesn't happen, but I just don't know if I will have any hair left on my head after this is all over. Please do not hesitate to call me if I have missed anything, forgotten anything. I can always run back up to the school. It goes without saying that my mobile phone will be the best way to reach me!

I know this may sound strange, but this actually is a huge blessing. The hardwood floors had some problems and we were actually talking about what to do about them. We came to the conclusion that we just didn't have the money for it and probably wouldn't for a while. I couldn't imagine the mess nor dealing with all the furniture. God took care of it all, even though I don't quite understand the timing!
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I'll post the details later, although I don't know if I have the strength! :)

One little note - I painted Lily's toes this morning. It was so cute and she was beside herself. She said to me: My toes are pretty. I like this two, too.

She proceeded to talk like this the remainder of the time. I wrote the word "two" to denote the sound of what she said. It is all a grammatical deal here - really cute at the way she is thinking through her words.

Grammatically correct: One toe, two toes
Lily grammar: One two, two toes

Gosh, I hope that makes sense when I read it in a couple of years!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

We have finally gotten around to painting Ethan's new shelving system. Jay designed it to look like trees - it is pretty cool. As I was painting the first brown coat, I notice something Ethan had written on the wood. We had given him permission to write on it BEFORE we painted it. He hadn't really done much, but this brought major tears. I just sat down and cried. It said, "I love mamy" It was so sweet, so endearing, so painful, too. Mamy was Ansley and he misses her so much. It almost seems that he mentions her on a daily basis. It is so sad. It seems his grief is worse now that earlier. I feel the same way, actually.



I finally went to the doctor for these random aches, sore throat, etc. that I have been having over the past several months. Nothing showed up in the blood work - although we are still waiting on thyrhoid. I really didn't expect them to find anything as I suspect it is all results of stress and grief. The best relief is sleep. I slept 12 hours two days ago. I felt great afterwards. Today, I suspect it won't be so good as I only got 7 hours - Lily woke up at 5 for some strange reason. She is moving away from naps (CRAZY!) so I think her whole schedule is off. Not too happy about the nap situation, as Sadie and Ethan still took naps in kindergarten - Sadie still needs them every once in a while. Maybe this is just a phase.



Market is early this year - end of September - October. Still have so much to do to get ready for it. Painting is number one. UGH! I hope next week I can start getting a handle on things.



For the most part, this is a boring blog. So, I will end. Watching Cayden today. He and Lily play so well together. I love hearing their little conversations. However, I won't drop him off until it is time to pick up the kids. We will probably go out for a few errands, just for a break from the house. Definitely too hot to play outside - still in the 90s!