I received a text this week. It said, "Blog, please." I have been engrossed in too many things lately, none of which involved anything remotely with exercising one of my personal delights - writing. In fact, I had just about given it up to be honest. At one time, I felt stressed and burdened about continuing this thread of musings and memory documentation. Stress and burdened about something that I find personal enjoyment in....what is wrong here?
This is not my typical entry in that it has nothing to do with my kids or homeschooling. It has everything to do with me. It is a completely self-focused and whiny post and I will apologize for that up front. Go ahead and move your mouse up to the right side of your screen and click on the "X" located now as I don't need any judgement after you read.
I feel lousy. I have been feeling lousy for several weeks. In fact, I would dare say that I have been feeling on and off like k-rap for over a year now. It is such a ridiculous set of symptoms that I figure they cannot all be related and add up to nothing. I have these ridiculous headaches that come and go for no apparent reason. Not up to the pain of migraines, they land in both my eyes, or rather right behind my eyes. It makes me want to claw my eyes out from the pressure. Sometimes I feel the pain in the upper part of my cheek bones and occasionally, it is in the bones above my eyes. I have had a CT done of my sinus cavity - nothing. I have been to the eye doctor after which I spent as much as I did on rent for my first apartment for new glasses (progressives, no doubt). I still have the headaches, but at least I can see. I have tracked weather patterns, I have tried watching my blood sugar and eating more protein. I have not tried B vitamins, but have heard that helps. I just want them to end their random hauntings in my head.
Next, I have lower abdominal pain as in way low in the abdomen. This can feel like cramping, and is often associated with lower back pain. Occasionally, it is really really painful (let's make it a 7 with child labor a 10) and it makes me so irritable that it is an automatic response from my kids to ask, "Are you having stomach pain." No one wants to be around me....I don't want to be around me. I feel like I have to urinate almost all the time - no burning, just tingle tingle tingle. I cannot sneeze or cough without clinching as to not let anything "escape" and then end with a trip to my closet to "change clothing" which I know has more to do with birthing 3 large headed children, but golly that is getting worse. I have had a CT done, a pelvic ultrasound, met with my primary doctor and urologist. Nothing - no kidney stones or blockage, although I do believe in an early diagnosis of urinary retention. Possibly ovarian cysts, possibly urinary spams (which I am too young for), but nothing to help. As I sit here and type the excessive pressure and heavy feeling is very uncomfortable and I have random cramps in very pinpointed areas on both sides of my abdomen.
I have an huge uptick of indigestion - belch city. Seriously, I never used to burp...now it is a constant. I also have mid-abdominal pain creeping up along with this burping and belching. What is up with that?! I am EXHAUSTED all the time. At least once a month I have several days of a sore throat and body aches that would lend itself to some sort of virus, but I never develop a fever.
So what am I to do? When you feel like poop and you are exhausted, the last thing you want to think about is the effort to change your diet. I know that is part of the answer. I have been off the band wagon of healthy eating for a while. Although I haven't ballooned up weight-wise, I know that counting coffee as my breakfast is not smart. However, I do love homemade chocolate chip cookies with a cup of coffee in the morning - such bliss.
There is a point in time where you believe that your only choice is to "will" yourself to be better. That is where I am. Time to kick this pseudo-hypochondriac to the curb. I refuse to give in to it and will fight this with the only things I have...my kitchen (food) and my bed (sleep). With that, I am going to bed. May tomorrow bring a healthier me.