A tough night...a tough day...a tough week. For the first time it is not about Ansley...it is about marriages and relationships around me. Three failing marriages, one on the verge, a pastor who reveals his own prideful issues with marriage (and stepped out of his position), and a possible cancellation of a wedding due to doubts. A lot to think about and ponder. It amazes me - and certainly not only in reference to others - that we are so fickle and pathetic that we so easily lose our sights. Everything we teach and tell can so easily go down the drain with one crisis. One day we talk confidently about God, how great He is, how He is bigger than any problem and the next we are ready to give up only because our circumstances have changed. The world is too near us - it is too real to us and God seems to be so distant. We give into the world so easily and give up on God too quickly. When we are in the smoke - we can't see anything - we lose our bearings, we panic and go back to the old and familiar and most often BAD habits. It scares me as I know that I am just as vulnerable that I am only an "issue" away from having a hard heart and walking away.
Ethan - my dear sweet boy - oh how you make my heart full of love for you. Last week, I laid down with Lily for a nap. You all knew you were supposed to be quiet, so I was surprised to be woken up by the sound of loud thumping, thudding and stomping around in the bonus room above. I burst open the door and harshly yelled upstairs to you - Ethan, enough of the stomping around, I don't know what you are doing, but I have had enough. I promptly went back to bed. A few seconds later you came down to my room with tears in your eyes and told me that you were making a party for me. I felt 2" tall. It killed me that I had spoken harshly to you and that I was so quick to anger. I said I was so very sorry and that I couldn't wait to see it. So, I got up just a little while later and came up to the bonus room. You said - I have set up four stations - 1) making paper bag masks which you had gotten and cut eyes in and gotten markers out 2) a fort made out of pillows 3) paint and paper (with brushes and a cup of water) 4)Mr. Mouth Game. I asked why you did it and you said, "Because you always have to do stuff for us so I decided I should do something for you. How priceless and completely precious is that?
I also heard that when having a conversation at school about people who are full of joy and always seemed to be happy, Ethan piped up and said, my aunt. *tears*
Jay took Ethan to a golf lesson this week. They both really liked it. Ethan hopes to go sometime with Peepaw, although I don't know if any of our grandparents really have much time to spend with our children as they try to make Colby and Gray feel full with love. Anyway, I had the girls and we did a bath and painted nails. Even Lily sat still for toe painting. We went to the High Point Museum for a Go-See-It for scouts. I think I enjoyed the actual museum more than the boys as I grew up in High Point. they enjoyed the historical reenactment stuff. After we went to the Dog House to eat (Jay had never been), took a quick trip through Lowe's and then came home. It was a really great family day.
We head for the cruise Thursday - I can not wait. I hope it is as good as I have in my head. My expectation is to have lots of quiet time, sleep and sun. I think Jay is ready for an adventure. Either way, time without children is needed.
Lily decided to become Miss Destructo today. Jay made a pool with bales of hay and a tarp. Lily promptly threw all the towels into the pool along with Sadie's pocketbook. She was supposed to be taking a nap and ended up taking all the clothes out of her drawers - what a mess. Then, she tackled Ethan's closet, pulling out a lot of it. I hope it was a lack of nap and good sleep that did it! I don't know if it is me or not, but she can just be so full of herself. She ends every sentence with "K?" short for o.k. Cracks me up. She just can't get all the words out when she is excited and it ends up with one long mumble where you catch one or two words.
Sadie was actually pretty good today. She had momentary lapses in judgement and listening, but overall I saw some progress on how she and Ethan got along. She set up a tea party and actually played with baby dolls which is a rare thing. Wonder if I will see more of this?
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
two months down...
Ethan - Lost one top tooth and one bottom tooth (numbers 3 & 4). Both of them I pulled out with my fingers - I can't believe it. I had no idea they came out so easily. Plus, I can't believe I didn't gag all over the place. When I lost two of my wedding rings on the beach (flew off my fingers when I was brushing sand off my pants) Ethan made us all stop and pray. He was the first to point to God and gave a mighty, heart-felt prayer that left mom and I in tears. What a precious little soul. On the other hand we are dealing with some serious laziness when it comes to work. I get lecturing and still, he doesn't seem to get motivated to do his work, make it neat with out complaining. We are having to redo work several times before it is presentable. The answers are correct, but he just is lazy about how it gets on paper and has to work very hard at staying focused. UGH! It brings back flashbacks of when I was young and mom harping on me. I guess I deserve this. Ethan really learned how to swim with out any assistance over Easter. He was swimming really well in the deep end and swam the entire length of the pool. Granted, it was not a huge length, but nevertheless, it was great. He was excited about it as well. Ethan had a friend over today. He included Sadie with all of their play - how wonderful. Good lesson for Sadie. Ethan learned all about the armor of God over the past week and jumped to tell me all about it. He has been crying quite a bit about Ansley over the past week. It breaks my heart every time, especially when he starts really sobbing. He still looks up to Colby and thankfully, Colby gave him a lot of attention at the beach over Easter. I hope Colby continues to include Ethan. Ethan is definitely my deep thinker - asking such questions like, "Why didn't God just create us in heaven to be with Him, why did he bother with earth?" It is neat to see him processing all the information.
Sadie - Still working hard on her. She told me today in the Mayberry's bathroom that she was tired of trying to be good. It was too much work and she just didn't want to do it anymore. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? We have been doing a devotional on self-control and reading her Princess Bible. Every time we make some progress, I feel we move back several feet. NO matter how much I try to encourage her - tell her to call on the Spirit to give her the strength, pray with her, read with her, etc. it seems she just is so incredibly self-focused. At the same time, she can be very, very sweet. Mom says she is so into me and wants me to love her so much. She loves to listen to Jesus songs and will ask for the same ones over and over and over. The loss of Skippy has been devastating to her. She loves all animals and losing Skippy has been a blow. I wonder if some of her behavior has been connected with that. She did say after our beach trip during one particular good cry that now she doesn't have an aunt OR a cat. (tears!). However, Jay has promised her a cat again as soon as we get back from Ocracoke OR France (if that happens). She is happily collecting caterpillars in every type of tupperware container she can find. I finally got her a new bug house so I could spare my last few good pieces of gladware from caterpillar poo!!!
Lily - Still happy Lily. Her normal disposition is happy. She is smiles and laughter. She loves to talk, talk, talk. Sometimes I think I will go crazy in the car with her incessant talking! Some of her favorite mispronunciations are: Blueberries (boo-bies),
Her version of Twinkle Little star will melt anyone's heart. She knows all her shapes, colors, numbers by sight to 10 and counting to 15. She knows at least half of her alphabet and their sounds (thank you leap frog video and toys). She loves to play pretend. Loves to be involved in anything with Sadie and Ethan. Adores Colby and wants to be right with him if he is around. Likes to color, do puzzles and play outside. Loves to swing and sing songs. She is a touch child and asks me to Wub back, Mommy all the time. She hates to have her hair brushed, but knows the minute I go for the hair bow, it is all over and stops crying. At night she has to sleep with her friends - Dora, Diego, Big bird and Mickey mouse. Also has to have several books and even if she has five on her bed, she will ask for one more. Over our market trip, she graduated out of the portacrib and high chair. She is in a booster and no longer uses a bed rail. She is a girl now. She now sits at the big counter and at the table and not in her booster. HOWEVER, she still want consistently pee in the potty. I am really going to try hard this summer because she cannot go to the 3s class unless she does. There for a while she was going, but then, things with Ans went down hill and I couldn't keep up. Now, I feel like it is a losing battle. I just can't seem to keep the consistency down. She also isn't quite ready for an open cup, at least not with food at the same time. She sees the cup as something to play with and put food in (yuck!). We decide to only do 2 days of preschool next year. I want her home. I want to stay at home more and this will enable us to do both. It just makes more sense. I am looking forward to being with just her and playing with her more.
I am reading a great book, A Grace Disguised. What a treasure this is. I can't say enough on how it has helped me through this dark time. I am still directionless - but will say I am directing what little I do have on the kids. Nothing is tugging at me, so I stay at home.
Today was so emotional. Colby sand a solo at grandparent's day at HPCA. Not only is Colby a truly gifted singer, but the material, "the Calm in the Storm" was almost too much for me to hear. I began to feel that familiar twinge in my nose, the water in my eyes and my shoulders begin to shake. I almost had to leave the sanctuary as I thought I might burst into sobbing (loud, crazy sobbing). I know Ansley saw him, but I wanted her to experience it on this earth. She should have been there to see him...in person. That hurt for me and for Colby. However, what a blessing to she that she carries on in him. The more I am around him, the more I see her. It is so sweet. I can see it in his smile and some of his actions - thank you God. I noticed that his hands are so much shaped like hers. I teared up when I saw that as her hands are some of my strongest most vivid memories of her when she died. I held them as she died.
Ethan - Lost one top tooth and one bottom tooth (numbers 3 & 4). Both of them I pulled out with my fingers - I can't believe it. I had no idea they came out so easily. Plus, I can't believe I didn't gag all over the place. When I lost two of my wedding rings on the beach (flew off my fingers when I was brushing sand off my pants) Ethan made us all stop and pray. He was the first to point to God and gave a mighty, heart-felt prayer that left mom and I in tears. What a precious little soul. On the other hand we are dealing with some serious laziness when it comes to work. I get lecturing and still, he doesn't seem to get motivated to do his work, make it neat with out complaining. We are having to redo work several times before it is presentable. The answers are correct, but he just is lazy about how it gets on paper and has to work very hard at staying focused. UGH! It brings back flashbacks of when I was young and mom harping on me. I guess I deserve this. Ethan really learned how to swim with out any assistance over Easter. He was swimming really well in the deep end and swam the entire length of the pool. Granted, it was not a huge length, but nevertheless, it was great. He was excited about it as well. Ethan had a friend over today. He included Sadie with all of their play - how wonderful. Good lesson for Sadie. Ethan learned all about the armor of God over the past week and jumped to tell me all about it. He has been crying quite a bit about Ansley over the past week. It breaks my heart every time, especially when he starts really sobbing. He still looks up to Colby and thankfully, Colby gave him a lot of attention at the beach over Easter. I hope Colby continues to include Ethan. Ethan is definitely my deep thinker - asking such questions like, "Why didn't God just create us in heaven to be with Him, why did he bother with earth?" It is neat to see him processing all the information.
Sadie - Still working hard on her. She told me today in the Mayberry's bathroom that she was tired of trying to be good. It was too much work and she just didn't want to do it anymore. WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT???? We have been doing a devotional on self-control and reading her Princess Bible. Every time we make some progress, I feel we move back several feet. NO matter how much I try to encourage her - tell her to call on the Spirit to give her the strength, pray with her, read with her, etc. it seems she just is so incredibly self-focused. At the same time, she can be very, very sweet. Mom says she is so into me and wants me to love her so much. She loves to listen to Jesus songs and will ask for the same ones over and over and over. The loss of Skippy has been devastating to her. She loves all animals and losing Skippy has been a blow. I wonder if some of her behavior has been connected with that. She did say after our beach trip during one particular good cry that now she doesn't have an aunt OR a cat. (tears!). However, Jay has promised her a cat again as soon as we get back from Ocracoke OR France (if that happens). She is happily collecting caterpillars in every type of tupperware container she can find. I finally got her a new bug house so I could spare my last few good pieces of gladware from caterpillar poo!!!
Lily - Still happy Lily. Her normal disposition is happy. She is smiles and laughter. She loves to talk, talk, talk. Sometimes I think I will go crazy in the car with her incessant talking! Some of her favorite mispronunciations are: Blueberries (boo-bies),
Her version of Twinkle Little star will melt anyone's heart. She knows all her shapes, colors, numbers by sight to 10 and counting to 15. She knows at least half of her alphabet and their sounds (thank you leap frog video and toys). She loves to play pretend. Loves to be involved in anything with Sadie and Ethan. Adores Colby and wants to be right with him if he is around. Likes to color, do puzzles and play outside. Loves to swing and sing songs. She is a touch child and asks me to Wub back, Mommy all the time. She hates to have her hair brushed, but knows the minute I go for the hair bow, it is all over and stops crying. At night she has to sleep with her friends - Dora, Diego, Big bird and Mickey mouse. Also has to have several books and even if she has five on her bed, she will ask for one more. Over our market trip, she graduated out of the portacrib and high chair. She is in a booster and no longer uses a bed rail. She is a girl now. She now sits at the big counter and at the table and not in her booster. HOWEVER, she still want consistently pee in the potty. I am really going to try hard this summer because she cannot go to the 3s class unless she does. There for a while she was going, but then, things with Ans went down hill and I couldn't keep up. Now, I feel like it is a losing battle. I just can't seem to keep the consistency down. She also isn't quite ready for an open cup, at least not with food at the same time. She sees the cup as something to play with and put food in (yuck!). We decide to only do 2 days of preschool next year. I want her home. I want to stay at home more and this will enable us to do both. It just makes more sense. I am looking forward to being with just her and playing with her more.
I am reading a great book, A Grace Disguised. What a treasure this is. I can't say enough on how it has helped me through this dark time. I am still directionless - but will say I am directing what little I do have on the kids. Nothing is tugging at me, so I stay at home.
Today was so emotional. Colby sand a solo at grandparent's day at HPCA. Not only is Colby a truly gifted singer, but the material, "the Calm in the Storm" was almost too much for me to hear. I began to feel that familiar twinge in my nose, the water in my eyes and my shoulders begin to shake. I almost had to leave the sanctuary as I thought I might burst into sobbing (loud, crazy sobbing). I know Ansley saw him, but I wanted her to experience it on this earth. She should have been there to see him...in person. That hurt for me and for Colby. However, what a blessing to she that she carries on in him. The more I am around him, the more I see her. It is so sweet. I can see it in his smile and some of his actions - thank you God. I noticed that his hands are so much shaped like hers. I teared up when I saw that as her hands are some of my strongest most vivid memories of her when she died. I held them as she died.
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