Eight Years and Three Months

Today is January 15, 2023.  It has been a while. Eight years and three months since my last post. I don't even know where to begin. I don't think I can except to say that every. single. thing. about my life since the last entry has changed.  Gone is that husband, the house, the homeschooling, and even having children at home. Nothing is the same. Many times I have thought about this blog as I processed huge life changes - full of all the pain, sadness, and loneliness as you can imagine in those years I first stopped writing. I have missed this creative outlet. 

I spent some time reading some unpublished posts from the 2014 -2015 years which was a tough exercise. As time has passed, I have been able to close that door to the destruction from being married to a narcissist for 16 years. Even as recently as a year ago, he was still working his destructive magic - spewing lies and hate and trying to control the truth. But that voice is now nothing more than the sound of a gnat quickly going by - easily swatted out of existence.  As I have worked to heal, to know truth, and realize who I am in this world - I can say that time (and great therapy) really does heal most wounds. 

A side note on the term narcissist...I know that is a popular psych term to throw around these days, mostly from those who read a few internet websites and believe they are now experts. It pains me to see these labels that do not come from professional, licensed therapists. Doing so makes this a common place behavior and diminishes the impact on real victims. Narcissism is unforgettable, and it is devastating to those who are in close relationship with one. Leaving these relationships are nearly impossible as the narcissist will not give up control easily. I cannot recommend more strongly to NOT make this diagnosis without the help of a licensed, educated mental behavior expert. To set the record straight, in my case, this was a diagnosis made by two separate licensed counselors that met with my and my former husband.  

So where am I now?

I am remarried. God brought an amazing man into my life who cherishes me, celebrates me, adores me. And I feel equally (really more) enamored of him. I often say that I hope I die before him as I know I will not be able to life life with out him. We are truly each other's helpmates  - supporting and cheering each other in our dreams and pursuits and equally sharing in all the burdens and tasks of life. We make a decent pair on the pickleball court, too!

Our 6 years have been full of highlights, lowlights, death and life, of parenting a blended family of 5 kids, 3 dogs, 1 cat, and some chickens.  We have sold 2 houses, rented one, and completely renovated another. We have lost 3 of our 4 parents and worked through grief in all the classic and non-classic ways. We have made it through 5 high school graduations, and 2 college graduations (hopefully more to come) and what I will term as just about every tough situation you can possibly deal with while parenting teens. Not exaggerating here.  

I graduated with my Masters in Training & Development and closed our homeschool when the kids were around late middle school and high school. I began outside the home work as a business consultant and now have worked my way up in a sales training company to VP in client engagement (fully remote so back at home!). For the large part of 16 years, I was treated as if I were not worth the space I occupied in this world and told over and over that I would never complete my degree, let alone be successful. Through God's strength and His gifts I have gone from homeschooling mom who doubted she had much to give the world to a well-respected professional in a global organization.  

My husband and I have spent the last 6 years visiting and rotating through 9 churches only to arrive back where we started this past fall. It was a frustrating 5 years of wandering in the desert as we tried to make a new start in a new church among people who only knew us as "us." We yearned for new connections, to get involved, and waited on God to bring us to a place of being settled. Our experiences ranged from the strange to the hilarious which may end up in a post down the road. In the end, though we aren't the same people we were when we left the church 5 years ago and neither is that church. I should say "our" church because that is what it is again...our church. God uses all things to grow us and our journey was what God needed us to experience. It definitely caused Chuck and I to talk about matters of the heart and rely on each other in prayer and learning as we were not connected to God's church body as He intended.

Where does this blog go from here?

These pages won't be filled with the cute and funny antics of parenting small children or lessons from God in the homeschool and stay-at-home mom front.  Our children are all adults and as such they really deserve their privacy.

This blog will be about living out the second half of my life. It may have some posts of things that I have learned or processed in the past that I am reminded of in the present. There will be posts of plans and dreams. There will be posts of how I transitioned from a place of not feeling valued to finding value in my husband, then to work accomplishments, to working on keeping that solely focused on God.  Maybe I will throw in a post or two of the realization of what aging is - hello hot flashes, two pounds gained from one bite of cake, odd aches and pains, and the over all body sag that seems to compound daily. I imagine there will be some posts about empty-nesting and the excitement about exploring our shared hobbies - you know the continual delight I have in my husband. Did I mention pickleball?

It will be space for me to document the deep gratitude I have for my life, the little and the big things, the hard, soul-plowing events and moments of awe, and the way that God weaves through it all. 

Today is January 15, 2023.  Eights years and three months. Planning on it not being so long next time. 

Teaching from a State of Rest

 Four years of homeschooling and I am burnt out.  I am tired of the planning, the workbooks, the memorized lists, the lack of motivation, the cheerleading to overcome the lack of motivation, the weight of the responsibility, the guilt when I know it hasn't been a great learning day, the comparison to others, the panic of the future, the test score freak-out, and did I mention the planning?  

Why did I let myself fall into this disastrous and hopeless state? I could say that I got caught up in performance - by me, by the kids. Meaning, my eyes focused on the achievement and result. 

Or, that I didn't have enough down time away from the kids to refuel. Meaning, my eyes focused only on my kids. 

Or, maybe that this trip down homeschooling lane has simply out run its course and is over.  Meaning, my eyes were weary from too much strain and carrying the load alone.

I attended the NC Home Educator's conference this week.  There were so many fascinating and engaging speakers during this conference, it was difficult to choose which sessions to attend.  However, one speaker had the title, "Teaching from a State of Rest."  That was an easy decision.  Checked and circled.  And, this is what I heard:

Exodus 3

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God.2 There the angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. 3 So Moses thought, “I will go over and see this strange sight—why the bush does not burn up.” 4 When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look, God called to him from within the bush,“Moses! Moses!” And Moses said, “Here I am.”

What does this possibly have to do with homeschooling from a state of rest?  All I see is Moses working and becoming distracted!

Note the following:

Moses is tending a flock.  Not just any flock, but the flock of his father-in-law.  And, his father-in-law was also the priest of Midian, so most likely the sheep were earmarked for sacrifice.  Obviously, Moses's job was hefty with a load of responsibility.  The entire tribe rested on his ability to keep the sheep safe.  I can imagine the amount of stress Moses must have had from knowing this.  All the success was on his shoulders.

And then, Moses turns away from the flock, doesn't he?  He goes over to look at something else.  Wait!  What?!?!  Moses, you are neglecting your duties, you are not keeping the sheep safe.  You are letting everyone in the tribe down!

Now notice that when the LORD saw Moses had turned to look at Him (the burning bush), God called him.  Why did God decide , at that moment, to call on Moses?  The answer is because Moses had turned his eyes to God.  Who was tending the sheep then?  God.  Who was keeping them safe?  God.  Who was ensuring a level of success for the sheep that was completely acceptable no matter what the level?  God.

My vision has been off.  I have not held the correct purpose of home educating my kids for quite some time.  For at least the past year, if not longer, homeschooling has been about performance, production, and protection.  I put all the weight of achieving my self-created goals on my own effort and strength.  I lost sight of when I have been my most successful at this endeavor and it certainly wasn't this past year.  Sure, I desire to see my kids get into the college of their choice, but is that really up to me? No, it is up to God. And if I am really honest with myself, how their college journey looks is not important to the health of their souls.

If my focus is on God, then He will take care of my sheep.  He will protect them, guide, them and give them the right type of success that will be completely acceptable to them and most importantly, acceptable to God.

By shifting my gaze, I am no longer be operating from a state of anxiety and abstractness.  By shifting my gaze, I replace statistics and performance with wisdom.  I replace rules and expectations with virtue.  And, I replace control with faith.   

I will focus on training these three souls in my care that they may discover and perceive God's truth because the very well-being of their souls depends on it.  I will do that by having my eyes fixed firmly on God and thus, showing them Jesus.  Lord, forgive me for straying from you and taking this burden on my own shoulders.

Note:  A thank you to Andrew Kern, author of The Lost Tools of Writing, and founder of the Circe Institute for inspiring these thoughts.

7

I am in the middle of re-reading portions of the book, 7.  Rocking my world with every word.  Lest you be confused, this is not related to the Brad Pitt - dark and rainy during the entire thing - seven deadly sins - scarred me for life - wish I had never seen it movie by the same name.  This book by Jan Hatmaker reads like every battle I have waged over the past year with where and how I am in my life.  Whew!  Now I am trying to view and morph some of her revelations into my own life.

Just off the surface I thought about how freeing it would be to get rid of all of my scrapbooking materials.  I mean, I love doing that cutting paper and preserving memories stuff, but I just don't have time to do it anymore.  I need simplicity, not the guilt of money spent and wasting away in my basement.  I need an easier way to have memories on display to enjoy not holed up in books that are forgotten on a shelf.   Thinking very, very hard about this one because a few times a year this stuff comes in quite handy, but wouldn't it bring in a lot more joy to not have it at all?

A book I highly recommend...though it is not for the faint of heart.

Da da da da da da da....feeling lousy

I received a text this week.  It said, "Blog, please." I have been engrossed in too many things lately, none of which involved anything remotely with exercising one of my personal delights - writing.  In fact, I had just about given it up to be honest.  At one time, I felt stressed and burdened about continuing this thread of musings and memory documentation.  Stress and burdened about something that I find personal enjoyment in....what is wrong here?

This is not my typical entry in that it has nothing to do with my kids or homeschooling.  It has everything to do with me.  It is a completely self-focused and whiny post and I will apologize for that up front. Go ahead and move your mouse up to the right side of your screen and click on the "X" located now as I don't need any judgement after you read.

I feel lousy.  I have been feeling lousy for several weeks.  In fact, I would dare say that I have been feeling on and off like k-rap for over a year now.  It is such a ridiculous set of symptoms that I figure they cannot all be related and add up to nothing.  I have these ridiculous headaches that come and go for no apparent reason.  Not up to the pain of migraines, they land in both my eyes, or rather right behind my eyes.  It makes me want to claw my eyes out from the pressure.  Sometimes I feel the pain in the upper part of my cheek bones and occasionally, it is in the bones above my eyes.  I have had a CT done of my sinus cavity - nothing.  I have been to the eye doctor after which I spent as much as I did on rent for my first apartment for new glasses (progressives, no doubt).  I still have the headaches, but at least I can see.  I have tracked weather patterns, I have tried watching my blood sugar and eating more protein.  I have not tried B vitamins, but have heard that helps.  I just want them to end their random hauntings in my head.

Next, I have lower abdominal pain as in way low in the abdomen.  This can feel like cramping, and is often associated with lower back pain. Occasionally, it is really really painful (let's make it a 7 with child labor a 10) and it makes me so irritable that it is an automatic response from my kids to ask, "Are you having stomach pain."  No one wants to be around me....I don't want to be around me. I feel like I have to urinate almost all the time - no burning, just tingle tingle tingle.  I cannot sneeze or cough without clinching as to not let anything "escape" and then end with a trip to my closet to "change clothing" which I know has more to do with birthing 3 large headed children, but golly that is getting worse.  I have had a CT done, a pelvic ultrasound, met with my primary doctor and urologist.  Nothing - no kidney stones or blockage, although I do believe in an early diagnosis of urinary retention.  Possibly ovarian cysts, possibly urinary spams (which I am too young for), but nothing to help.  As I sit here and type the excessive pressure and heavy feeling is very uncomfortable and I have random cramps in very pinpointed areas on both sides of my abdomen.

I have an huge uptick of indigestion - belch city.  Seriously, I never used to burp...now it is a constant. I also have mid-abdominal pain creeping up  along with this burping and belching.  What is up with that?! I am EXHAUSTED all the time.  At least once a month I have several days of a sore throat and body aches that would lend itself to some sort of virus, but I never develop a fever.

So what am I to do?  When you feel like poop and you are exhausted, the last thing you want to think about is the effort to change your diet.  I know that is part of the answer.  I have been off the band wagon of healthy eating for a while.  Although I haven't ballooned up weight-wise, I know that counting coffee as my breakfast is not smart.  However, I do love homemade chocolate chip cookies with a cup of coffee in the morning - such bliss.

There is a point in time where you believe that your only choice is to "will" yourself to be better. That is where I am. Time to kick this pseudo-hypochondriac to the curb. I refuse to give in to it and will fight this with the only things I have...my kitchen (food) and my bed (sleep).  With that, I am going to bed.  May tomorrow bring a healthier me.

A Snipit of a Year

Hello old friend.  You know when it has been a long time since you visited your blog?  When you have to go through the steps to reset the login and password because you have completely forgotten them.  I have a couple of standard logins and passwords, but since some merger of blogger a year or so ago I had to reset some things about the time I abandoned this blog.  Anything I don't use on a regular basis gets completely forgotten, as that is what happens when you get old.

I had lunch with one of the encouragers of my blog writing this past week.  I have been pondering my (noted-by-her) absence and thought I would open it up again and see what happens.  It has been over a year.  Wow.

What went on over the past year that did not lead me to capturing it with words on a screen?  One big reason?  Homeschooling three children.  Last fall was the most challenging and overwhelming season. Period.  I often said that it possibly eclipsed losing my sister to breast cancer.  I know. That is a pretty heavy statement.  However, her death was shrouded in HOPE.  There appeared to be no hope in my homeschooling. Several factors played into this spiraling of despair, the daily doom, the Krazy Town that existed up in the bonus room at Johnson Road, but listing them here sounds whining and pathetic. Admittedly, most were due to my own overscheduling, launching into a new program with out much understanding of it, and frankly, issues with controlling the behavioral chaos of my children.

My absence can also be contributed to this fact: As your children grow older there are less "cute and endearing" tidbits to capture and more "I want to lock my children in a closet and throw away the key" moments.  Hormones unleashed their ugliness in full effect in the Dumoulin house this year.  Had I written, I would have had entry after entry entitled, "Epic Eye-rolling" or "Why I Want to Run Away" or "Can I Find Something to Love About Them Today."  Lest I forget the day when Jay came home for lunch and found me one step away from lying in a fetal position on the floor in a pool of my own drool.  He dragged me into the bedroom and said, "You have GOT to pull yourself together! You are stronger and wiser than them.  What have they turned you into?" A hot mess, I tell ya.

Despite all of this, we did have some successes this year on the schooling front.  I can't write the entire year off to my own "personal growth."  Ultimately, Ethan's foray into homeschooling led him to say in April, "I love homeschooling.  I love my friends and where I am.  I want to homeschool all the way through high school."  I may have died a little inside at that moment, but hopefully, God will restore that part when I need it.  He made tremendous strides in expository writing and has a solid basic understanding of Latin, World Geography, and finished Pre-Algebra, among other subjects.  End of year test scores were their highest ever, so God-willing, we will continue down this track.  Someone told me that when hormones arrive that brain cells decline.  A story to illustrate this point:  One of the kids' swim coaches was suppose to leave around the first of the year.  The kids were all very sad because he was and still is a favorite.  It was about the time of his departure and Ethan asked me one morning, "Is this Morgan's last day? It is so sad he is leaving"  I wasn't so sure so I sent the coach a message.  The reply was that he would continue on through at least the remaining school year.  So relieved Ethan was.  Around lunch time Ethan made the statement, "Mom, it is such a shame Morgan is leaving."  I looked at him blankly and said, "Ethan. Remember?"  With a sheepish grin, Ethan replied, "Oh yeah."  Later that afternoon on the SAME DAY, when I DROPPED THE GIRLS OFF AT THE POOL, Ethan looked over from the front seat of the car and I KID YOU NOT said, "I hate that Morgan is leaving."  At this point, I threw my hands up in the air and just said, "Son!"  Ethan replied, "What?"  Honestly.

Lily Lou continues to extol the virtues of a math-driven life.  She has decided she wants to be a math teacher. That statement is so completely confounding to me it sounds like she is speaking a foreign language.  This is an interesting note to put in your back pocket in case this happens to anyone you know in the future:  Lily's first round of testing showed a 30-40% drop across the board in her scores.  Yes, I had a meltdown when they arrived.  I spoke with another testing source and she told me that the most common reason for this was that a child needed glasses.  DING! DING! DING!  Lily lost her glasses the week of our testing.  I know it seems so obvious and as my mom said, 'Well, I wouldn't have even let her take the test if she didn't have her glasses."  However, at the end of April, testing meant the year was basically over and nothing was going to stop me from reaching that milestone. Frankly, just getting them to the test on time for three days was heroic; I didn't have time to think about missing glasses.  Regardless, I had her retested a couple of weeks ago and we are back up to speed.  Whew! We often say that Lily just sort of floats through life, seemingly unaware of all that goes on around her.  I now know that word "seemingly" is false.  Her proctor explained that Lily is acutely cognizant of her environment. Basically, she picks up on everything we say and do which is a little frightening.  My never-ending concerns about her auditory processing, her inability to flourish in creative writing, and her apathy to reading anything without pictures will be my driving concerns, but comparatively speaking, she is ahead of the game.

It was a year of many new things for Sadie, including a new Essentials class for writing and grammar, decreasing extra-curricular classes, and trying medication.  That last mention is a weighty weight issue with so much history and wrestling and struggling.  I could write volumes about it, but in the end when your child cries, begs, and says, "Why did God make me this way?" and you know there is something out there that would drastically change their existence in this world and you have tried every. single. other. option. and denied them this something based on fear, parental snobbery, and inaccurate biblical interpretation...I realized I WAS WRONG.  Life did change drastically halfway through the year because of this change.  We still struggle and still wrestle, but not quite to the level we did before.  The Himalayan Mountains and the Grand Canyon valleys of behaviors have transformed themselves to become the speed bumps and street side ditches.  It is a much smoother ride with such breaks in between the madness of it all that we, Sadie and I, have a bit more energy to tackle those peaks and valleys.  She moves through her school work with relatively ease, only protesting when it actually takes her time to complete it because it challenges her or  appears to be busy work.. Her latest scheme is to become a heart surgeon, because she wants to have enough money to have all the animals she wants.  No surprises there.  Although one wonders why she doesn't just desire to be a vet.

As far as me...well, I continue to play on a tennis team which didn't really work schedule-wise with homeschooling, but I insisted on making it happen. Some days the stress nearly pushed me over the edge, yet the work-out lowered the stress, so maybe it evened out in the end.  What I lost in days/weeks/years from the stress of this year was offset by the benefits of the exercise from tennis playing.  No gains - no losses.  I will take that as a win.

 Jay had another heart issue this February which landed him back in the hospital for another stent.  I write that like it was no big deal, which I guess it really wasn't since they did the procedure that morning and he came home the SAME DAY.  However, at the time, he couldn't walk up the stairs with out feeling chest pains. It took three days to see the doctor and schedule the procedure all the while I constantly was ready to spring into 911 action with my phone.  Just a little edgy week there. 

Many, many days I questioned why in the world was I homeschooling. Just like I am sure you are while reading this.  When I think back over this year and remember those Mondays when I would drop the kids off at LIFE classes and meet some friends for lunch it comes with such heaviness.  I would arrive at the restaurant beaten up, broken down, emotionally spent with a sprinkling of depression.  Yet, there was never a time when I doubted that this was what I was supposed to be doing. Strange, I know.  I shored myself up over Christmas, lightened our extra-activities load, revised our school schedule and marched forward.  I began to see more light-hearted moments and classic learning AHAs! that I now cherish from this year.  Holding closely to those memories and knowing without a doubt that THIS is where God has put me, I will plow forward next year,  prodding along my 8th, 6th, and 4th grader with me.

The truth...

We have spent the past week doing test preparation. Our test is not until May and our preparation is not driven by it. However, I have found that the test prep books are a good way to see where I might have dropped the ball on subjects covered. So far, I can say we are in great shape. I did notice Lily needs to learn the difference between fiction, non-fiction, and biography. She also needs to be taught where to find certain information - an encyclopedia, atlas, almanac, newspaper. Although I think using encyclopedia is a little dated considering Brittanica is no longer publishing theirs. Lily promptly answered, "The Internet," when I asked her where she would look to write a report about turtles.  Can I really argue with that?

Lily-isms

Lily came into the bathroom where I was getting ready for the day.  She had chosen an outfit that looked good and shoes that were cute, just not together.  I tried to explain to her that they didn't exactly match and why.  Visualize large purple and light blue dotted outfit and hot pink small polka dotted shoes.  Her response, "Mom, its not about the shoes, its about the attitude."  I let her wear what she wanted.