Feast and Famine

I have a little book that my spiritual mentor gave me this past fall. It is called, "God is Enough" by Hannah Whitehall Smith. IMO, it ranks up there with "Streams in the Desert." Seriously. The entry for June 4th ridiculously sums me up. I am, once again begging forgiveness to our Almighty for the repetitious struggle I have. At least during my little trial over the past month I recognized where I was going - didn't prevent myself from going there, but at least recognized it. Oh, how I desire change! I am rejuvenated after reading this. Can you related?

Excerpt from June 4th

People who live in their emotions feel so at one with Christ that they look no farther than this feeling. They often delude themselves with thinking that they have come into the divine union, when all the while their nature and dispositions are still under the sway of self-love. (note by me: Ouch!)

We all know that our emotions are most untrustworthy and are largely the results of our physical condition or our natural temperaments. It is a fatal mistake, therefore, to make them the test of our oneness with Christ. This mistake works both ways. If I have very joyous emotions, I may be deluded into thinking I have entered the divine union when I have not. If I have no emotions, I may grieve over my failure to entire when I really have entered.

Character is the only real test. God is holy, and those who are one with Him will be holy also.

Back to my prattling again. After Ansley's death, I discovered that when I am in a funk or my circumstances have changes, I just sort of drift away. It is not that I doubt God or change my belief in Him. I just do not have Him a part of my day. Drift - that is the best word to describe it. It happens before I know it. This time, my back situation prevented me from going to church for 7 weeks+. I had little to no interaction with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Inside my house, the onslaught of new business responsibilities and the overwhelming load of tasks thrust upon Jay left no time for spiritual togetherness. The ridiculous hours I spent in my bed over the past month drove me to enough mindless tv to fill the rest of my life. By the way, the hours of 12noon - 3pm are torturous. I did not have any food coming in so I pitifully wasted away in this world. No one needs to tell me that I made the choice to drift. I know I did. The blame rests solely on me.

If stranded on a deserted island, how long would I remain in dialogue with God? I know He is always there. Why can't I be? I want to be.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I thought this was funny. Yesterday the girls were in the pool with Oma (Jay's mom - Dutch for grandmother). Lily announced that she was a white egg. (?) She had this very somber look on her face, eyes closed. She then asked Oma and Sadie to hold hands in a circle around her because they were the nest. Then she broke out in this very big smile and stated she had cracked! What interesting imagination - never heard of a child pretending to be an egg.

The last days of school was a bit of a blur with my medical issues, the arrival of Jay's mom, and my surgery. The kids' last day was the 29th. Awards night was on the 27th. At HPCA, every child gets an award. It may focus on academic achievement, but usually is more about their personality or character trait. Each grade level presents a song, poem or little skit about the school year and then they pass out the certificates as the awards are announced. It moves along pretty quickly. Sadie's class was the last kindergarten class to get their awards. I focused in on her face and as she was handed her certificate. I was poised to get the shot, Miss Adkins handed her the certificate and then Sadie held the certificate directly up in front of her face - preventing me from getting the picture. Pooh. Oh - she got the Leadership award for her class. No one I have told this to has been overly surprised by her award - she seems to be destined for something. The program ran long - until about 9 pm. Sadie was pretty wiped out and fell asleep in the pew before it was over. Thankfully, another mom captured it on her camera phone and emailed it to me.

Ethan was his usual cool self. He received the Humorous Personality and Superior Reading Award. I understand from his yearbook that he is quite the jokester. I don't see much of that at home so I find this compelling. He has come quite a distance this year in reading. He read the unabridged version of Tom Sawyer this year on his own. Considering where we were mid-way through first grade, I am very, very pleased. I am just thrilled that he appears to love reading - at least when it is something he is interested in. On to third grade!

Went to the doctor to get my staples out. This is the first time I have left the house since I came home from surgery A WEEK AGO! I am a little stir crazy, but I can't do much outside the house either. I am still very limited in what I can do - no driving, sitting - limited to 30 minutes at a time, walking/standing about 15 minutes at a time, no lifting, bending, twisting, no household duties, etc. I hope I will that I will get the green light on at least driving when I begin physical therapy sometime next week or the next. I am waiting for the office to call me with my appointment time.

One topic of discussion with my new BFF today was the fact that this surgery must bring about a permanent lifestyle change if I want to avoid this again. I will have to think twice before: picking up heavier objects (40 lbs.), ride in fast boats, water ski, ride roller coasters, run for distance, ride on a motorcycle, 4-wheel, etc. Basically, anything that jars my back will potentially cause a re injury. The only option if I blow out the 50% of disc that is left is for them to fuse the disc together. I am sure that is NOT delightful. Overall, that news was a bit of a bummer. Wonder what that will mean on a future trip to Disney?

God's sense of humor

About 6 weeks ago I asked my small group to pray for me and my attitude. Specifically, it was in regards to them. Over this year I had become increasingly irritated about the rush of cleaning my house for them every week. Because of my OCD-ness, I was always in a bad mood each Wednesday afternoon to the point that everyone felt it my family. I even started threatening to drop out of small group because of it. On one hand it was nice to have everything looking good, but it came at a very bad price. Knowing my sin, I confessed it to the group and asked for their prayers and forgiveness.

Ironically (if there is every any "irony" in God's world) the next week is when I started walking down this back pain path. Each week brought on more pain making it more and more difficult to get my house together. Finally, the no lifting, no bending at the waist, no twisting rule was established-try loading your dishwasher, vacuuming or laundry with those rules. So for 6 weeks I have let some things go. Since the surgery I have been completely incapacitated. I don't ever want to endure the pre or post surgery pain again so I am sticking to the rules like my life depends on it.

So, I happened to venture upstairs for the first time in nearly a week. Oh my. It wasn't horrible, but lots of little pieces of lego, fake teeth, clean and dirty clothes, coins to a Leap Frog game, piles of books everywhere, and then...I entered the bonus room. It looked like Sadie had pulled out every bit of craft do-dah we have - paints, kits, markers, scissors, little bits of papers, you name it. I was unglued. I lost it.

I have hit the wall, people, and I can't see the light. I know all of this is for my own good. God is really teaching me about the value of just being. But I am having a hard time accepting it. I can't enjoy it. It is such an uncomfortable place for me to be. I want to be back in control.

For those that think our house is falling apart, it isn't. We have flown Jay's mom in to help with the kids and basic household duties. Praise God for that woman. And we found our Hispanic cleaning marvel, Amilsa - another praise.

But when you see your youngest hitting your middle one. Or your youngest grab something she isn't supposed to and the runs away, it is completely aggravating, because I can't do anything discipline-wise at that moment. I just sorta sit there, or worse, start yelling. When you see your fun summer plans with your kids going down the drain, it is sad.

I am accepting of God's lesson. When I think about what He had to do to get my attention, I know it must be a serious sin. I just hope and pray I "get it" this time so that He doesn't have to do it again.

Home again, home again jiggity jig!

This will be brief. I am home! Surgery appears to be a success! It was one of the worst ruptured discs she had ever seen. It had dropped down and wrapped around the nerve. She said I was extremely lucky that it did not effect my bladder as it was right next to it. That is a real praise. I still have some leg pain which they said in my condition is not surprising. The nerve is normally the color of spaghetti, but mine was a bright red/purple from all the inflammation.

I am told that I will feel much, much better in about 2-3 days. I am in considerable pain - the muscles keep spasming so I am drugged up. Just took some more. Getting up and down, rolling on my side is excruciating- but I am hopeful that tomorrow and each day after will be better.

I am do to NOTHING - except some basic exercises and some walking over the next 2 weeks. Lifting nothing greater than milk, no laundry, dishes, no cooking...nothing.

I have to watch everything for the next 8 weeks. 90% will herniate again during this time period because they do something they shouldn't. Don't want to go through this again.

That's all. Just wanted to give a quick update. Email me - it is nice to hear from everyone. Just babble about your day if you don't have much to talk about. :) Or, better yet, answer my questions of the day on a previous entry. I forgot I am the reason Jennifer can't eat hot dogs anymore!!! Check out her comment.

Twas the Night before..

Heading for surgery tomorrow. I have to be there at 6 AM - yikes! Which means that I should be out of surgery around 9:30. Yeehaw! I am so excited - yes, excited - about getting pain relief! So - pray for me, the docs and all! I'll be at HP Regional and the sign that all went well is if I come home on Thursday.

I can't wait to blog about awards night at school tonight. Classic!

Catch you ladies soon!

The best part of waking up...

During my virus/stomach bug/g.i. funk a little over a week ago, I could not stomach my favorite beverage, coffee. It is amazing to me that in just a couple of days, I went from 3 cups, gladly, to not even being able to stomach the smell. There is no doubt I was a coffee addict. One day I accidentally made decaf and by lunchtime felt like my head was in a vice grip and was going to pop off my body at any moment. I am not really a coffee snob. I mean, I know my coffee, but can easily drink McDonald's along with Starbucks. Although, it doesn't get much better than the Pumpkin Spice Latte (just don't look at the color!). So, it was with mixed emotions that I poured my first cup of java this morning. Just a small, regular coffee mug. It doesn't even taste good and I won't drink even half of it. Bummer.

Speaking of changing taste buds, I am reminded of a summer at my grandmother's house. The garden was overflowing with summer tomatoes, which I absolutely went ga-ga over. Because there was no way to sell or eat them all, she canned them for future consumption. That fateful day, I eagerly sat in her kitchen while she stewed the tomatoes for the canning process. A bowl, salt shaker and fork in hand, I sat at their small wooden kitchen table eating deposited tomato after tomato. I ate so many that my favorite food soon became my most hated. For some 9 or 10 years I could not stomach tomatoes. I loathed them. However, sometime 15 years ago, I tried them again and magically, my love of tomatoes returned. How I love a sandwich with juicy, home-grown, summer tomatoes, mayonnaise and a dash of pepper! The only time this has not been the case was when I was pregnant with Ethan - I could not eat or smell anything with tomato sauce (no pasta, pizza, no sandwiches, etc). Interesting.

I have always hoped that this same taste bud change might happen with my dislike of anything originating from bodies of water - lakes, oceans, etc. I abhor seafood - fish, shrimp, mollusks, squid - I'll stop there before I sound like Bubba in Forest Gump. That fishy taste, the rubbery textures - yuck! It is so healthy for you that I feel that I am missing out on one of nature's superfoods. Every year I try something -a little bite here and there in hopes that my mouth has done an about face and aqua food is more palatable. That is one reason (like there aren't a million others) I could never be on Survivor - I would starve to death.

I am curious if others have such issues, leading me to the questions of the week:

1. Is there something that you used to love and now can't stomach?
or
2. Is there a food you hate which you wish you didn't?

The cost of relief

Prescriptions: $500.00+
MRI: $1700.00
Neurosurgeon: $3,000
Lumbar disketomy: $15,000+

Our insurance: LOUSY! Easily, I have made my $5,000 out of pocket for the year.

Relief from pain: Priceless