Today is January 15, 2023. It has been a while. Eight years and three months since my last post. I don't even know where to begin. I don't think I can except to say that every. single. thing. about my life since the last entry has changed. Gone is that husband, the house, the homeschooling, and even having children at home. Nothing is the same. Many times I have thought about this blog as I processed huge life changes - full of all the pain, sadness, and loneliness as you can imagine in those years I first stopped writing. I have missed this creative outlet.
I spent some time reading some unpublished posts from the 2014 -2015 years which was a tough exercise. As time has passed, I have been able to close that door to the destruction from being married to a narcissist for 16 years. Even as recently as a year ago, he was still working his destructive magic - spewing lies and hate and trying to control the truth. But that voice is now nothing more than the sound of a gnat quickly going by - easily swatted out of existence. As I have worked to heal, to know truth, and realize who I am in this world - I can say that time (and great therapy) really does heal most wounds.
A side note on the term narcissist...I know that is a popular psych term to throw around these days, mostly from those who read a few internet websites and believe they are now experts. It pains me to see these labels that do not come from professional, licensed therapists. Doing so makes this a common place behavior and diminishes the impact on real victims. Narcissism is unforgettable, and it is devastating to those who are in close relationship with one. Leaving these relationships are nearly impossible as the narcissist will not give up control easily. I cannot recommend more strongly to NOT make this diagnosis without the help of a licensed, educated mental behavior expert. To set the record straight, in my case, this was a diagnosis made by two separate licensed counselors that met with my and my former husband.
So where am I now?
I am remarried. God brought an amazing man into my life who cherishes me, celebrates me, adores me. And I feel equally (really more) enamored of him. I often say that I hope I die before him as I know I will not be able to life life with out him. We are truly each other's helpmates - supporting and cheering each other in our dreams and pursuits and equally sharing in all the burdens and tasks of life. We make a decent pair on the pickleball court, too!
Our 6 years have been full of highlights, lowlights, death and life, of parenting a blended family of 5 kids, 3 dogs, 1 cat, and some chickens. We have sold 2 houses, rented one, and completely renovated another. We have lost 3 of our 4 parents and worked through grief in all the classic and non-classic ways. We have made it through 5 high school graduations, and 2 college graduations (hopefully more to come) and what I will term as just about every tough situation you can possibly deal with while parenting teens. Not exaggerating here.
I graduated with my Masters in Training & Development and closed our homeschool when the kids were around late middle school and high school. I began outside the home work as a business consultant and now have worked my way up in a sales training company to VP in client engagement (fully remote so back at home!). For the large part of 16 years, I was treated as if I were not worth the space I occupied in this world and told over and over that I would never complete my degree, let alone be successful. Through God's strength and His gifts I have gone from homeschooling mom who doubted she had much to give the world to a well-respected professional in a global organization.
My husband and I have spent the last 6 years visiting and rotating through 9 churches only to arrive back where we started this past fall. It was a frustrating 5 years of wandering in the desert as we tried to make a new start in a new church among people who only knew us as "us." We yearned for new connections, to get involved, and waited on God to bring us to a place of being settled. Our experiences ranged from the strange to the hilarious which may end up in a post down the road. In the end, though we aren't the same people we were when we left the church 5 years ago and neither is that church. I should say "our" church because that is what it is again...our church. God uses all things to grow us and our journey was what God needed us to experience. It definitely caused Chuck and I to talk about matters of the heart and rely on each other in prayer and learning as we were not connected to God's church body as He intended.
Where does this blog go from here?
These pages won't be filled with the cute and funny antics of parenting small children or lessons from God in the homeschool and stay-at-home mom front. Our children are all adults and as such they really deserve their privacy.
This blog will be about living out the second half of my life. It may have some posts of things that I have learned or processed in the past that I am reminded of in the present. There will be posts of plans and dreams. There will be posts of how I transitioned from a place of not feeling valued to finding value in my husband, then to work accomplishments, to working on keeping that solely focused on God. Maybe I will throw in a post or two of the realization of what aging is - hello hot flashes, two pounds gained from one bite of cake, odd aches and pains, and the over all body sag that seems to compound daily. I imagine there will be some posts about empty-nesting and the excitement about exploring our shared hobbies - you know the continual delight I have in my husband. Did I mention pickleball?
It will be space for me to document the deep gratitude I have for my life, the little and the big things, the hard, soul-plowing events and moments of awe, and the way that God weaves through it all.
Today is January 15, 2023. Eights years and three months. Planning on it not being so long next time.
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