Tuesday, February 19, 2007

So, there was no decided fate (see yesterday's part 2 blog). Instead, I got the - you need to change, stop yelling, end of story. No helpful hints, no teamwork, no encouragement, no prayers...NOTH - ING. Very frustrating. SO that furstration built over night, unbeknownst to me and grew into a yuck ball of "I hate everything, but mostly you, J." Great. Lost it again on my way out the door to pick up Lily. Emotions so out of control - anger so deep that I nearly drove away, never to come back again. I am so tired of life out of my control. Such a deep seeded issue for me that I don't know if it will ever be in the light and completely over. I hate this cycle and spent the better part of the drive calculating my next move and wondering to God why this keeps happening. The best part of the day was that I was stuck at Wal-Mart for 2.5 hours. Why, might you ask, is this the best part? I was waiting for a prescription transfer which takes some time. This allowed me to shop at my LEISURE - because I couldn't go anywhere else. How nice to spend as much time as I wanted walking the aisle...AND THEN... I saw it. John Rosemond's latest book on Parenting. I simply read the best part right there in the book section while my frozen chicken breasts were slowly defrosting. I got some great tips on how to get them to do the simple things, the simple tasks like putting clothes in the hamper. So, I picked up the kids from school and away we went home with my new plan and ideas prepared. Did it work? YES - in that the were receptive and not at all rebellious or whiney with the punishment which was quite severe for the act. Did they come out of their rooms with a new attitude - YES! Will it last? I sure hope so!!!! I will stay diligent in this new offensive against whiny, bas attitudes and apathy!!! Oh, and it probably didn't hurt that I found a fabulous pair of cropped stylishly dark jean pants for only $5! Whoo-hoo!

Monday, February 18, 2008 part 2

To my wonderful, darling children,

I am sorry. I am sorry that I completely lost my temper this morning. I am sorry that I do not know how to teach you to listen to me, to obey me, to want to help me. Instead, I resort to yelling, loudly, to get your attention and to let you know just how fed up I am. Do I expect too much of you - to keep your rooms clean? Have I let the routine of having a clean room at night slip through our fingers? How do I get you to put your clothes in the hamper? How do I teach you to slow down durng your school work (life) so that all that studying isn't wasted over a loss of 5 points because you forgot to write your name on your paper (wasted on the unimportant)? Have I lost sight of the respect that I (God) should get from my children (me)? Do you trust me? Do you know why I am trying to teach you and train you? Do you understand my frustration over your selfishness, your inability to look past your own desires? Isn't this all for your benefit? Could this be a letter written from God to me? Hmmm...

I lost it this morning over the fact that both children had playdates coming and their rooms had clothing, toys, etc. all over them. Now, should it really matter? Well, yes, because they couldn't really play in their rooms with anything because of the mess. Not to mention that their dad was supposedly on top of them last night to get it down.

It is very obvious to me that we need some new ground rules for Ethan and his attitude when he is out of control and disrespectful. I think I will go grab Jay to have a meeting to decide his fate.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Dear Sadie,
You took an unscheduled nap this afternoon. It is not part of your every day, but once in a while, I can tell you just need it. You were behaving fine, today, with your playmate Cecilia over, but I thought a little down time after she left would be good. I have come to understand that after a few hours of play with a friend, you need a little time to yourself. But, I have to watch out that you don't sleep too long or you will spook around in your room when it is time for bedtime. So, I went upstairs and there you were. So sweet - so calm - so beautiful. Your lips were a little more pink than usual becuase of some chapping, your hair was all over the place - even a little wet from sweat. You were on the floor in a sleeping bag and around you were all sorts of pillows and toys - mainly barbies - making quite a nice little fort - almost like a princess palate. I sat and stared at you for a just a moment as I heard the timer go off on the oven downstairs. A rare, beautiful moment. Then it got better. I called your name - Sadie, Sadie Loo, time to get up. You popped open your eyes, but I could tell by the glassy look you weren't really awake. You stretched, you yawned, then you said, Mommy, can I go with you somewhere? I said, what? You said, I want to go somewhere today, just the two of us. Prescious little one...I can't, not today. We don't have plans to go anywhere today, but I would love to. You rolled over and quickly fell back asleep. I told you it was time to start waking up for dinner and then left. I didn't even hear you when you finally came downstairs. Instead, I found you lying on the floor of the kitchen in a sleeping bag and large white pillow watching Meet the Robinsons. Content and waking up on your schedule. I love you my little lamb chop.

February 10, 2008

Well, I have almost made it. Survival - and yet, even better. On top of the mountain, spiritually. Closing doors and feeling closure, a way to move on. Clarity from our God, from our Savior that has led me to a new depth in understanding. Life is smooth, peaceful...content.

Oh my goodness - how I just saw God's plan and timing for something. WOW. I was reading a past post about how sad I was about this school year without Ansley. This was a really low place for me. I was very lonely. I was thinking about all the plans Ansley and I had when the kids were going to be in school. Then she died...BUT GOD was faithful to meet me in my need. I never saw it in this light before...Jay quit his job in November. He has been there for me. Our marriage is restored, our lives are better, our family is whole and functioning on a level never before! It is awesome. HE IS AWESOME! His timing is perfect, his ways are made complete. Wow. Now, when Jay leaves for a business appointment, I am lonely for him - which is the way it is supposed to be!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Our day:
Woken up by Lily who was completely naked. She had stripped herself for some reason of her pull-up and gown. I think she had spent most of the night in bed with Ethan (clothed). After much prodding, I got up and made cinnamon buns for breakfast. Jay made me a cappuccino. I got back in bed to do my quiet time. Running late, I got a shower, got kids ready and jumped into the car (Jay's car) to start our day of birthdays. First to the Carousel Skating Center where we celebrated Cecilia's birthday. All kids skated and had a great time. We left to go to Alana's apartment which was located on south Main because we had 45 mins to kill before the next party. It was their first time to visit Alana's apartment. They enjoyed the hammock. We then took Ethan to LaserX for a party for Kevin Mullins. The girls were hungry so we pulled into CookOut for hot dogs. We decided to eat in the car in their parking lot. Realizing we were quickly running out of time, we raced to the WalMart on SouthMain to pick up a few things, Jay's prescription and Sadie's guitar toy which had finally arrived. We left without the prescription (the Pharmacy was closed from 1:30 - 2 and the guitar (I totally forgot). At least we got the groceries! We raced to LaserX and got there just in time to pick-up Ethan - who had won a cool shell necklace, rubber teeth and a rubber pop disc from the games. He was also quite red-faced and sweaty from all of the running around. Another goodie bag and into the car! On the way home, Sadie fell asleep and refused to get out of the car - even under threat of spanking if she wet her pants. Ethan had a melt down, questioning my love for him. We had a long, long talk through his tears and pleas for forgiveness. Lily went down for a nap. This is where I am. Jay has spent the day working on the paneling in the study, even with his jammed knuckle on his index finger from yesterday. So glad it is better. I should mention that I also had a mental breakdown, but for fear of reprisal, I won't go into details here. It has been an emotional day...so far

January 2, 2008

WOW - Does God speak when you beg Him, or what? Of course, I didn't get the precise answer I was looking for, HOWEVER, it does go along with letting go of control and letting God REIGN IN AND OVER ME!

January 1, 2008

A blender of pain and sadness, yet a dash of excitement of unknowns and possibilities. That is how I feel on this first day of a new year. I mean, for the first time in 7 years or so, I feel like I can actually redefine my goals, my plans, my fulfillment of who I am. The first 3-4 years were driven by babies, careers, building a house, moving. The last 3-4 years were driven by cancer and grief. So, now here I sit...UNGOALED! Is that even a word? Deep down, it is scary to not know 1) where you are going, but even more 2) not to have a direction to even start! I don't know what to do! Sure, I have children to attend to, but each passing day I see more and more independence. I know that Jay wants me to be his secretary and assistant (omg) when the business starts in May, but that want be my place for long. The business will take off (I feel complete confidence in this) and he won't need me. Additionally, this is clearly his dream. It is not mine. Although I don't know what my dreams are anymore. When did that happen? Who am I and what do I really want to do? What brings me happiness? What brings me joy? Of course the answer is God, but I mean is how does this translate to me...every day... in this world...in this place? What is it that I want to do OR more poignantly, what is it that God wants of me NOW?

Kids are good. Christmas vacation has been a total blast. Seriously, it has to have been one of the best. The kids are getting better, Jay has been into them and we have had some serious family time. I know the kids are getting the best end of Jay being home. Got all the Christmas loot assimilated into the rooms yesterday. Sadly, Sadie is over baby dolls. Actually, she was never really into them. She always loved stuffed animals and craft supplies. A ridiculous ocd goal alert coming up...I am going to spend an hour or so tomorrow putting doll clothes on all the babies as they are ALL naked. I hope that means that Lily will start to play with them a little more as she seems less inclined to take the clothes off. And, I hope it will cut down on the bin of babies and clothing. We put the play kitchen in Lily's room with food/dish gear. She seems totally obsessed with that Fisher Price pixter at the moment - like a hand held game thing. She wants it ALL the time. Ethan still loves all the lego and computer games. Jay installed his computer in his room and the girls got theirs in the bonus room. Hope that means they stay off of mine! Both are ready to register their second and third webkinz respectively.

Trying to get back into the swing of scrapbooking. I think that 2007 will be super easy with exception of the France trip. There just were many pics taken as in previous years. Whew! Still, looking for ways to get current and focusing on some different projects so I don't stay so stressed about being so far behind. I have no excuses, really. The room is ready and i have more than enough supplies. It just isn't as fun doing it alone.

Sadie has her first school playdate tomorrow - a little girl named Gracie. I think it will be a little hard because Sadie is so independent and plays with out needing me most of the time. Still don't have anyone for Ethan...he had a sleep over last night so I don't feel so guilty about it.

Oh, Ethan made his own "hero" online via a tv show. He had already done it and asked me to come see it. He typed in his hero's name...Mamy. So sweet. I asked why and he said because she told people about Jesus. I shed a tear. We had a long and exhausting cry on Christmas Eve about Ans. My birthday was hard. There is still such a void. Nothing really fills it. It is still very lonely. I miss her.... alot.

BUT - here is to a year of COMPLETE unknowns!!! It has to be better!