Friday, March 2, 2007

This has been a week of ups and downs - tears and some laughter. I am not quite back to my old self and I don't know if I will ever be. Will there be a time when I can truly laugh and feel joy at life itself? I am trying to stay on the platform and not on the roller coaster, but it is so hard and it is the little things that keep getting me back on there. It is not a ride that I enjoy so why do I continue to keep my eyes on my circumstances and not on God? Just reading about a constrictor snake that grips its prey tighter and tighter until its heart stops beating made me feel a lump in my throat and brought tears to my eyes as it reminded me of that hospital time with Ansley. I read some comments made regarding her on the CBC website that made me cry. I received a letter today from someone who wrote out her prayer for me. Boy, that was a big cry. Why are people so kind when I am so undeserving? Similarly, why did Christ do something so kind when I am so undeserving. Can I continue with Ansley's legacy? Will I "work" myself to death trying to have God working through me. What a crazy statement that I just wrote! Do people see me as something other than what I really am? Is there pressure to counsel and encourage others? I so don't want the pressures of daily life. There for a while (ok, only two weeks), I felt the pressure to not do anything. Unfortunately, the kids have been sick and basement finishing project and market has called me to attention. I don't think I have time to really process all that has gone on. I am beginning to feel the need to be by myself. All of that comes when Jay's mom and sister are set to arrive on Monday (in three days). I don't know how that will all pan out. I know I still have some organizing and straightening to do. I think tomorrow will be a little tough as I clean up the bonus room and come across pre-Ansley things. I can hear Skippy playing with something in here with me and it is freaking me out. I wonder what my relationship is going to be like with dad now? he wants to go have dinner together next week. Can I do that? Emotionally, that is something that Ansley and I would periodically do together and now it is just me. I want her back. I need to hug her and give her kisses and scratch her arm and head. Will I ever forget that night - the last night I rubbed her head? I wonder when she opened her eyes at the very end, was she scared, was she terrified? It bothers me to think that. Did she need us to say something to her? How could everyone be so calm in that room and tell her to go to Jesus? I wanted to scream for her to fight, to not leave us as in some insane way it was under her control. I wanted to scream - NO, NO, NO, like somehow I could voice my opinion and change things. Right now I feel stifled like no one hears me. That no one understands me. I know God is here because I know that I am not functioning myself. But now, I just want to run away - just like I did at times when Ansley was here and the cancer had just taken too much control of my life. When does CANCER stop controlling your life, your thoughts, etc. I have thrown myself into God, His work. I have grown, I have prayed, my spiritual life is so much fuller, yet, I find myself still dwelling on pain, suffering, hurt, agony, loss. When will this end? When will it get better? I went to MOMS group today - it was so incredibly painful. I could have sobbed. They played "In Christ Alone" - such a great song, but one that is so painful for me to hear at the moment. There is so much connection with that group and Ansley. Ansley brought me there. She encouraged me to go. She and I went together many times and then went to lunch. She was there in December when I spoke of her and our journey together - just two months ago. It hurt. I don't think I will go back for a while.

The only thing that has brought me some brief bit of light is the encouragement I have received from others to continue writing. Maybe there is something to this. The most influential person is Aunt Kay. Her writing is wonderful and she has told me to keep going. Somewhere there might be something to this. God, please direct my paths if that is something You have given me.

Wednesday, February 21

It has been a little over a week since Ansley's passing. I miss her...i miss her...i miss her. It is so painful, so deep. A true sense of loss, despair, loneliness that I have never felt before. i remember a small bit of this when ansley married todd - i begged her not to do it because I didn't want to be alone. I felt abandoned. it is a like a wave that comes and doesn't stop until it has reached the very top of my head and the bottom of my toes. it is like a knife that is just cutting and cutting and cutting. i feel like i am wandering around with no focus or purpose. what do i do now? where do i go? what is my focus?

Today is Friday, February 23. I do feel a little better today. Yesterday, I felt a tiny bit of joy. It made me so sad because it means that life with Ansley is getting further and further behind me. The time spent with her is already slipping through my fingers. I never want to forget her smell, her smile, her slightly yellow teeth even. Her fingers and how they could work magic with paper and scissors and scrapbooking. I don't want to miss scratching her arm, her playfulness with animals, her love of my Ethan. I don't want to miss anything because I want her to be with me. I don't feel anger...I just feel a loss. I am thankful for to God that I was able to spend as much time with her as I did in the end. That I was able to spend the night together at our scrapbooking event. Who will I room with next time? Who will I travel with to the beach? Who will I hang out with, laugh with, run errands with, eat lunch with? Next school year will be so lonely. I had planned on doing so much with her as the girls would be in school and we could run around, scrapbook, etc. How will this all work out?

I have so much I need to do, but no drive to do them. I need to be in the word, but no push to be there. I need to read for small group but have no motivation. It is nap time and i am more interested in crawling into bed than focusing on God and I am scared that my yearning for Him is gone.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

A new year, another story. I could have never picked what this year would start like five years ago. Where are we? What are our issues? What consumes us? What are our goals?

Jay - Still worried about his heart. New tidbits of information regarding his health seem to slowly arrive finally making sense out of everything. He has hypothyroidism. Great diagnosis for determining why he has gained so much weight, why he has had muscle problems and why he has been so irritable. However, the solution is not as simple as medication. Although he will take some, it has to be monitored with his heart problem. Hypothyroidism can also cause heart problems itself and that of course adds to his worry. Work is not too great and that is also a source of dissatisfaction. He just needs a change of atmosphere and a change of perspective. The money is so great that it is hard to walk away, but I think that it is inevitable. He is bored and tired of working for someone else. I am concerned about him. It doesn't help that I had this horrible dream in which both he and Ansley died. It was horrible and I couldn't stop crying in it. He isn't the Jay that I married, but neither am I the same person he married. I just wish he had a joy about him, a happiness - that life didn't weigh him down so much.

Ethan - Has started the year as a great reader. All of the sudden, he has just taken off. It is great. He tries so hard to please me and God. I worry that he feels he cannot make a mistake and that is terrible. I need to start teaching him about the concept of grace. I want him to know that no matter what life brings him and the choices that he makes - God is there and God loves him. That goes for me, too. He is a great singer and loves to praise the Lord. He has a sense of taking care of younger kids (except Sadie) and constantly asks to work in the nursery. What a sweetie. He still loves to snuggle and need Mommy time. I will dread when that ends. He is crazed about Lego Star Wars computer game and legos in general. I wish he like to be outside more, but I plan on this being the summer of playing outside at the creek and making dams and forts, etc. He will start Upward Basketball in a couple of weeks. I look forward to seeing some physical activity as well. I wish that he was able to spend more time with Jay. Although they have their little scout deal, so I really shouldn't complain.

Sadie - We have come so far with Sadie. I can see such great strides. Her need for me seems to be so incredibly great at the moment. She almost goes crazy when I leave her at home to go out (when a babysitter is here). Even when Jay is at home she constantly tells me how much she loves me and comes crying to the door, etc. She has done really well at school since the Christmas break. Maybe she is better at controlling her impulsively. But, she is still quite manipulative and seems to derive much pleasure at controlling others, bragging and hurting others. I don't know why she cannot just be happy for others instead of looking at herself. She is very confident and loves to perform - mainly dance which she has made up herself. She has little rhythm, but that doesn't stop her. She loves make-up and hair stuff. Nothing can replace a pack of paper and markers. She is always making letters and cards and writing things down in a child's scribble. She is more than ready for kindergarten and I am looking forward to seeing what is in store. She is physically capable of more than most kids her age. She can jump rope, skimmy across those monkey bars, etc. She loves for someone to look her in the eyes and spend time talking to her, asking her questions and taking an interest in her. She love tea parties and she loves for me to ask her, "What do you need," in times of upset-ness. She was very, very grown-up at the doctor's for her 5-year check-up. Always interested in what they are doing, her tears were not many when the three shots came. Whew! She is our resident animal care-taker - feeding and watering the birds, Skippy (and litter) and Bo-Bo. The other day I found her grooming Skippy in her bathroom. This involved having him sit on her counter top which she wet a brush and brushed him. He actually took it - didn't try to escape. Amazing. She told me that it was the day for him to have that done - he gets it done twice a week. A vet job might be in her future. I just want her to learn about humility and obedience. It would help her to have a life that is fuller of joy.

Lily - She is learning about trying to get her way and has learned how to make a huge mess. She is, afterall, 2. Really, she is 2.5 which amazes me that she will be 3 soon. Where is the time going? She is really talking - lots of sentences, questions, etc. Amazingly, she knows her numbers 1-10, knows her alphabet at about 75%. She counts to ten, and loves to play. Let's play mommy, I hear all the time. She loves to read books, loves to play with play-do, color, puzzles. I am in the middle of cleaning out all the toys. Amazing how many she is past and are really just too baby for her. She loves school - my kool - as she says. She told me quiet means quiet the other day. She adores Grammy and Grand-d. She actually says hey to most people who look her way. Occasionally, she will act shy, but usually she is in a great mood. She likes to dance, listen to music. She sings the Clean up song from Barney - sings it as Keen-Kup, Keen-Kup. Very cute. Calls Skippy - kippy. Loves to play with Whitney. I never really hear her talk about other kids in her class. Only this week did I hear her tell me Noah when asked about what they did in class. She likes to get water out of the refrigerator dispenser which makes such a mess that we have to keep it on lock. She absolutely loves to go outside and play. She takes most directions well, but lately says no-way (not just no). She will hit sometimes I think just to see what the reaction will be. She likes to grab toys that Ethan and Sadie are playing with and run away with them. She knows it drives them crazy. She wants to be included in everything everyone else does, but she is just a little too young to do most of it. I put her in curlers tonight - she loved it. Her hair is so gorgeous she doesn't need it - thick, beautiful, blonde and perfect curls, but since Gray and Sadie were getting their done, she had to, too. I wish I had more time to spend with her and I try to sit and play for a while and then I find myself cleaning out toys while doing it. I have to stop that. She is a good eater but has really shot up and slimmed down. I need to go her weight checked, but I think she is doing fine. I have cut out a lot of the dairy and moved into more fruit.

I wish I could write more, but it is nearly 10 pm and I need to review my bible study one more time before tomorrow.

November 2006

Things seems really, really tough lately. Ansley is not well and it really makes me sad and emotional. After some conviction from the Lord, I am decided to go off Zoloft. I realized I was taking it as a treatment for sin (anger, emotions, etc.) and I wasn't at the root of the problem. How can it really be solved - for me to really let go of the control, house clean issue that I have? It is so tough and so minute by minute by minute. It is so yucky to go through this and I wonder if there will ever be an end.

I plan on looking at pictures taken over the past couple of months in order to accurately blog what all has gone on.

In general, however, Lily has taken off in the speech department. Instead of saying "I come," she now says stuff like, "I am coming." She loves to put puzzles together and truly "play" with toys and things. As always I want to have more time to play with her and interact and do art things. Last week she saw the letter "W" and gave it to me and said "dub-ya." I was pretty impressed. In October, she went from saying Ma-ma, to Mom-Mom to Mommy. Her hair seems to grow and grow and grow and I realize it is just about time to get it cut! It is so incredibly LONG and beautifully thick! She still loves Dora and Barney. She likes to play with anything that has buttons and makes noise. It is time to reorganize her room so she can reach some toys and play in her room. I probably need to get some shelves in her closet for toys as well since she doesn't have the built-ins like Sadie. We moved her into a big bed over market and for the most part it was such easy transition. I was resistent, but Jay pushed it because of furniture market. She only had one or two nights of getting out of bed. She responds well to spanking and stayed in after that. I have had some trouble iwth napping during the day. She likes to pull all the clothes out of her drawers - I don't know why.

Summer Notes

As I sit here documenting our summer and changes in the kids, I am blown away with how fast time is going by. I look at Lily and she is truly no longer a baby. She is still very happy and just a delight to be around. She throws up her hand and says in a very southern way - "Heeeeyyyyy" to just about everyone. Some of her more recent phrases include seyatoon (see you soon) - so cute. She is such a little chatter box. She knows a few colors - blue, red, green, the number 9 (a little bizarre), the letter D and O. She will sit on the potty for a long, long time (1-2 hours), but not do anything. She thinks she is going potty which is cute. She asks to go right after she has done it. So, I know we are getting close to starting. I kinda of dread it, but know that once it is all done, it will be great not carrying any sort of diaper bag around. But that means she has truly grown up, too. I need to get that photo of her pointing to all of her body parts like I did Ethan and Sadie. She certainly knows them. She is completely into Dora now after a good stint with Barney (still loves him). She tries to sing the song - d-d-d-d dora. She loves to dance and move her body to music. Ethan is officially called Buddy - I LOVE IT! What a sweet thing to have a special name. It is only fitting because Ethan is the one who calls Ansley, "maimie". I am not really sure how to spell that correctly because it is not mamie like in Gone with the Wind. She sometimes calls Mom, Mimi and Colby, Beebee. She loves, loves, loves Henny and he always says that he would give her the world. Speaking of, we asked Henry if he would be the next in line to take the kids if something were to happen to us. After mom and john and oma and opa, we have to have another person and really Henry is the one. In ten years, he might be listed first based on the health of our parents. Thankfully, the children should be well taken care of financially (life insurance and sale of our assets) so that should not be a concern, but it felt good to ask him and I feel great with that decision.

I am listening to Ethan singing to a great Christian song. So sweet.

Ethan has had a good summer. He lost two teeth in June (actually one at the beginning of June and one at the end of June. It is the two bottom ones and I love his look without the teeth. None of the other ones seem loose so we will wait. He really loved having Jay pull them - it was that mix between anticipation, excitement and a little fear. He went to several camps this summer - music camp at church, tennis camp, and horse camp. He also had horse lessons each week this summer. At the end of the summer he was able to walk, trot and cantor by himself. He also made a small, small jump. He loves riding Pegasus and I think it might be something he continues to do in the future. It is good for focusing, too. We still have issues in that area. He has trouble following multiple step tasks that I ask him to do. He can't comprehend everything I say and seems to hear every other word - much like his daddy. That can be a little frustrating for us both. I heard some improvement in his reading last night. It is still a struggle, but I finally heard him get the words: what, now, something, and down. However, he still can't get car. I need to do some work on rhyming words with him. I think that will help.

Ethan has also started to not want to kiss me in public. This happened when I dropped him off at horse camp this Thursday (august 9). He kind of looked around to make sure no one was watching and gave me this quick kiss on the cheek. He told me later it was "embarrassing." I was completely taken aback. Who does he think he is to make that decision!!! :) I had some cute conversations with him in that same week. He is my stinky-foot, horse-smelling, skittles smelling boy. He loved that! He also told me (despite the changes in public displays of affection) that his favorite thing in the whole world is to snuggle with me. Still me sweetie.

Sadie has had a difficult summer. I thought we had made some break throughs, but she has such a difficult time controlling her emotions, needs, wants, etc. The worst of this summer was this past week. It is my problem, not hers. I left her, accidentally, at home. With all of the hub-bub of getting in the car, and everything I had to carry to the car as well, I thought she was in the car. I dropped Ethan off at horse lessons and was heading into High Point and realized she wasn't in the car. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Meanwhile, Angie happened to call my house and somehow Sadie picked up the phone and was able to talk with her. Angie calmed her down and told her she was on her way. Then, Angie called me and I told her I was already almost home. I was absolutely in a panic. My poor, poor Sadie. I feared for her, I was scared for her, I cried for her. When I arrived home, she had turned on the t.v. and was at the phone where Miss Angie was leaving her another message. Her eyes were swollen from crying. I just held her and cried with her and told her over and over how sorry I was and asked her to forgive me. She said she wasn't mad, but sad. She said she prayed to God to bring me back to her. She said she turned on the television and there was a guy singing about smiling which helped her calm down. She said she knew it was an accident and that she knew I would come back. I thought she was very brave and very mature in her handling of what had happened. It taught me to value her and to love her more and more. I look at her and she frustrates me so much that I realized that I have to slow down in order to focus on her in a way that is effective. Oh - two cute things she has said. She was showing Graylyn her diary and said, "Graylyn, this is my diarrhea." Also she just asked to pain on the weasel (not easel).

We have finally gotten out the behavior charts (if-then and blessings). The kids seem pretty excited about them and I have found some other ways of creative discipline. Like, I have Ethan run around the outside of the house when he is out of control physically and can't focus. It has been a great deterrent. I need to set up the posters, and go over them at length with the kids.

I have had a difficult couple of weeks. The emotions were out of control. I have made a concerted effort to take Zoloft each morning. We are on day 3. I think I will see some results in two weeks. I just can't talk to anyone any more without getting criticized for my reaction. I know I release my hurt as anger and people don't understand that. However, every time I expose myself, it comes back to hurt more! I must pay, pray, pray for changes!!!

Ok - So the bonus room is completely out of control. I must get a handle on the mess with the kids!

May 28, 2006

Is it really May 28th - the 6th birthday of my little Ethan? 6 sounds so old. I remember him as a baby and how much confidence I lacked as a mother. Then I have some flashbacks as a toddler - particularly from photos. After that, it gets hazy. Thankfully, I have tons of photos. He received the prayer award at school - I was so proud. He also scored a PERFECT score on the bible portion of their achievement test - 99th percentile. I am so incredibly proud of the boy he is becoming. I see 6 as having so much responsibility - so much more than 5. Why? I have no idea, but I do. He is so appreciative of what we do for him. He thanked me and Jay so many times for the hard work we put into his birthday. Jay is out on the back field with 2 of Ethan's friends from school, Sadie and Colby camping out. I hope everyone gets some sleep. It is nice to be inside with only Lily. She is in bed and it is so quiet!

I finally recognize the types of friends that are good for Ethan. These two boys from his class are just precious. They are so incredibly sweet, well-mannered and just great to be around. They are not demanding nor are they wild and rambunctious (did I spell that correctly?). They have been taught to love God and it shows. They have confidence and they want to be with Ethan! It is not a struggle nor do we get any attitudes, power games or pouting. There are no clicks and they just want to have fun. I am so happy for him as I see great friends for him to be around.

Sadie seems to have done a 180 over the past month. It is like she just grew up over night. She finally gets it and really feels remorse, sadness, regret, etc. It is amazing. I don't know what finally happened, but prayers and all of the hard work, trying to keep her in line and wanting to please God seems to have paid off. God is rewarding us for obedience to him. Ironically, I think that this may just be in time for issues with Lily. Sadie has expressed so much love to me lately. She just wants to love on me and seems to be so much happier. I know that spending that one on one has been key as well as doing things that excite her. She wants to please me and I try to encourage her and praise her all the time. I also try to help her understand what she is doing wrong in a much better tone than yelling. It is working - thank you GOD! I feel a pride and joy when watching her that I have never experienced with her. I know she had to feel it as I recognize it now. She brightens my day and I was really looking forward when I would pick her up from preschool.

The summer has begun. We don't have too tight of a schedule. I am thankful. I am really looking forward to just hanging around the house and enjoying each other. We have lots to do outside and the kids need to learn how to find ways to entertain each other. I also have big school and craft plans with the kids. Of course, I had those plans last year and it didn't pan out. So, I won't try to tackle too much and hope for better. I need to beef up our craft supplies so we can create more this summer. Sadie keeps saying she wants to do soccer. I have her in advanced preschool at gymnastics and Ethan in horseback riding for the summer. I figure we will revamp in the fall - Sadie in soccer and Ethan in karate. I don't want to do all that running around, but at least it will only be for the fall.

Lily's hair seems to have gotten even curlier - special, perfect little ringlets - so precious. She brings such joy to me, too. I just want to squeeze her. She is starting to exert her will. I realize there is not too much we don't let her do as the house is pretty foolproof and she just can't get into things that make a mess. Well, except for Jay's computer stuff and remotes in the living room. She still only has those top two teeth, plus two molars in the back on the top. Four teeth on the bottom and two molars in the back. Speaking of teeth, Sadie will make ANOTHER trip to the dentist to have that silver cap looked at...again. Appears to be abscessed. I think we will just get it pulled...seems the easiest thing to do. I hope it is not incredibly painful for her as right now she seems totally fine despite the abscess appearance.

Lily continues to gain in her speech everyday. She puts lots of words together into small sentences. I love hearing her talk!

I am tired and though I know there is a lot to write about, I will end for now. Jay just called from the camp site to say they kids are loving playing flashlight tag. How fun!

May 5, 2006

Well, we survived market cleaning and moving out for market. We stayed at mom's for a week and then I took Ansley and the girls and went to Myrtle Beach to stay at the Clinard's condo. We had a good time. Ansley was really tired and did a bit of vomiting. I noticed she just doesn't talk like she used to. She doesn't initiate conversations and doesn't really respond too much to chatter. We talked about it on the way home and she said she just doesn't have any mental capacity to converse. Everything she does is for the cancer and she just can't get anything else together. It is tough not to have her as her old self. I think I have been in denial that she won't ever be herself again. It is a tough thing to swallow.

I was going through pictures that I have in 2004 (still that far behind in scrapbooking). There are pictures that all I can see in them is reminders of cancer. So, I am putting them in a separate pile in order to make my own book of cancer memories. I plan to put all the email updates in them as well. It will be a painful book, I am sure to make and look at in the future. However, it is one that needs to be made.

Lily has been extremely difficult the past couple of days since we have been home. She ran a fever for a day and then just screams. I don't know if it is teeth or if it is all the changes. She wouldn't sleep last night and I thought I would go crazy as she patted me and chattered away at 3 this morning. She seems to hate sliding around in her car seat when we go around a curve. Hey - maybe tightening the straps will help. She just screams. I don't know what she wants. It is so very unlike her. I hope the next week things seem to work a little better. It is VERY frustrating.

Sadie still clings to her boots. It seems to be that she wears them when she thinks it is more of an important occasion. Very funny about it. We picked up John and Alisa from the airport (coming home to have the baby) and she HAD to wear them. She made a hilarious comment tonight to me: "Daddy left on my purple light and I can't sleep with it on, it is too bright." Mind you, she has insisted that light be on as well as her bathroom light on for the 6 months and now it is TOO bright???? Finally she is letting me fix her hair in a ponytail or pigtails or braids. She looks so grown up. This all had to be because Mrs. Nance asked her to - whom she loves. She sees Mrs. Nance like a girlfriend who she can talk to about anything. Mrs. Nance has taught her so very much about the Lord and her own character. We have been so blessed!

Jay brought home a baby pool Friday with a little slide to it. THEY LOVE IT. They pretend to be seals and dolphins and sharks as they slide down into the water. Over and over and over they go down it. I really hope to have the swimming thing down pat before we go to France in July.

I need to compose the conversation I heard between Ethan and Sadie when they were down at the creek - probably back in late March/early April. They came back without Sadie's shoes. She was too scared to go back to get them by herself. I told her to ask Ethan to go with her. She did and he said no. Then I said Ethan would you help her. He said, ok, I'll go. She said, "Promise you'll keep me safe?" He said, Sure. Off they went - holding hands. Her knight in shining armor.

The above is such a sweet moment - and now it seems all they do is fight. The back seat is a war and I am so incredibly tired of it! I am going to have to come to some resolution to it. Ethan's attitude if he is not getting everything he wants can really stink and Sadie plays ignorant of his talkings and so it gets to him, too.

Ethan is all mesmerized by infomericals now. He was insistent we needed to buy this stick on crown molding. "Just peel, place and push," he said. Then he wanted me to get the Betty Crocker easy bake pan set. So funny. I can't believe school is almost over! Now, I will have a 1 st grader. Mrs. Segers told me how much he loves the Lord and what a sweet and enjoyable boy he is. Made me feel good. I can tell he struggles with reading. Math seems to be fine, but reading makes him nervous. It doesn't come easy and we will work on it this summer.

I am glad to have caught up on some of my "blogging" I am using this to remember more when I start scrapbooking. Oh - I need to write more about our Easter trip to Emerald Isle and the camper, church services, biking with our Easter clothes on.

Dates to remember: April 30 - Ethan rides without training wheels - learns at Grammy's house when I was at the beach, Sadie wants to do it, too and will probably do it in a matter of days (according to Jay), April 23 - Lily has fourth tooth on bottom to come in - a strange mix of teeth - two on the top, four on the bottom and two large molars in the back on the bottom.

Oh Strawberry picking today - nothing too interesting happened except that it took all of 15 minutes - so quick. Lily ate one and was clapping and excited that the juice spewed out of her mouth. Grammy and I laughed very, very hard.